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November 28th, 2007 by · 3 Comments

My friend Greg works for the Jimmy Kimmel show. This puts him into contact with lots of interesting people, who frequently have interesting ideas about how to make some cash on the side. Every now and then, Greg will call me up with an idea to make some money. This idea is always described as a “Sure Thing.” Some of you are now slowly nodding your head, because from your experience, you know that anyone who routinely describes something as a “Sure Thing” is a hardened gambler. This is the case with my friend. As with most “Sure Things” recommended by gamblers, (hereafter referred to as a “Scheme”), these rarely end up paying off. When they don’t, I’m left with work that nobody will ever see, and I figured that this blog would present a good opportunity to shed some light on them.

This first “Scheme” I’d like to share with you is an article I wrote for the Weekly World News. Greg had a friend who used to write for them all the time. The sell was essentially “lots of money for writing something stupid about batboys, or mole men, or K-Fed.” I wrote out several articles, sent them off to the Weekly World News, and was promptly informed that they have not been taking freelance submissions for well over a year. So much for that Scheme. I was particularly proud of the below article, and share it with you now:

The Count

Sesame Street count, Count Chocula & Count Dooku compete in Count-Off

Reno, NV – The sporting world was abuzz today as Count Chocula, Sesame Street’s “The Count” and the evil Count Dooku from Star Wars gathered at the Reno Sands Hotel and Casino for the first ever Halloween Count-Off.

The event was proposed by The Count, who has long been the world’s most famous count. Two months ago, The Count issued a press release challenging all the worlds great Counts to meet in Reno to compete in the ultimate Count-Off. “If you’re a Count, I hope that I can Count you in, for the first Annual Count-Off in Reno, NV! You can Count on a top prize of 1…2…3 Thousand dollars Ah-Ha-Ha!”

Tensions were high as the three counts paced the ring, but as the bell rang, they immediately settled into the fast paced and monotonous Count-Off format. “I really haven’t done anything like this before,” remarked Count Dooku during a pre-count-off interview. “I’m more of an evil, galaxy-domination minded Count, but I figured that with my competitive nature, it couldn’t hurt to try.”

The counting had reached a fever pitch when Count Chocula was eliminated on a account of a technicality for illegal use of the fangs. Count Dooku and the Count battled back and forth, counting well over 25,000 in an effort to reach the highest number. After five and a half hours of counting, Count Dooku attempted a bold move, using the classic “One Two, Skip a few” offensive. The Count countered by counting “Infinity,” and the crowd erupted, thinking the contest to be over. Count Dooku, however, was not down for the count. He re-countered with “Infinity plus one!” as the spectators leapt to their feet to applaud their new champion.

“I didn’t see it coming,” said a defeated The Count. “Today I lost to a better Count.” Count Dooku was expected to spend the night celebrating in Reno with his wife and family, as soon as he was done counting his winnings.

Tags: silly