Okay. Now, amazingly, the fact that he is wearing a hat made of lamb ribs is not, by a long chalk, the most disturbing thing about this photo [click it to enlarge]. No, that honor goes to the thicket of fur clinging to the southernmost outpost of his face. You could call it a beard, I guess, but to do so would be akin to calling his hat made of lamb ribs a “hat.” It is most certainly not. It shares characteristics with a hat, namely, that it is positioned on the top of his head, but then 8 ounces of congealed pudding can also be positioned on top of the head. But neither is it a “hat.” In the same way, the carrot-colored mess he neglected to excise from his chin cannot fairly be called a beard. I suggest “fail-proof woman repellent” or “Harry Knowles costume.”
Anyway, the point is, Christmas is coming and someone in your family might really appreciate it if you bought him a nice hat. Alternately, you could do him an even bigger favor by getting him to drop his casually anarchic and ironic outlook on the world, an outlook that causes him to post photos of himself on the internet smiling, draped in the septic ribcages of slaughtered animals.
Or you could buy him a razor.