The Pittsburgh Pirates finished dead last in the National League last year, with a record of 68-94. They have not had a winning season since 1992. It is no exaggeration to say that the Pittsburgh Pirates are a dreadful franchise, quite possibly one of the worst in all of professional sports. Yet, this off season, they are running a thirty million dollar PR campaign that essentially says “We are a good baseball team. In fact, we won the World Series last year. Yep, the Pittsburgh Pirates are really good.”
The Pittsburgh Pirates, in happier times
Critics have understandably questioned this strategy, arguing that the thirty million dollars, which is almost equal to the team’s 2007 payroll, could be better spent, you know, improving the team. The Pirates have declined to spend any additional money on its ailing farm system, have not pursued any of the key free agents on the market, and are not in the talks to trade for Johann Santana. They have not dangled dollars in front of Joe Torre or other competent managers, nor have they hired a GM with a clue. Instead, they have taken out ads in magazines and on ESPN that run the message “The Pittsburgh Pirates: We are a good baseball team. In fact we won the World Series last year. Yep, the Pittsburgh Pirates are really good.” The team is hoping that their public image as an inept loser will be changed without doing any actual work on improving the team.
This of course is not true. The Pirates would probably spend the thirty mill on some magic beans, likely sold to them by savvy Mets GM Omar Minaya. But it is exactly what Michelob is attempting to do.
Yes, Michelob, the beer of choice for guys who bring bad beer to your party and then spend the entire party drinking your good beer, is launching a thirty million dollar campaign in an attempt to:
“[Recast] itself as a member of the craft [beer] segment. Michelob’s “Crafting a better beer” ads will even mimic Boston Beer’s Sam Adams ads. TV spots…will feature Anheuser-Busch employees talking about Michelob ingredients.”
Wow…
Michelob is a terrible beer, with a taste comparable to the liquid swept from Bourbon Street at 5 AM and strained through one of Jorge Garcia’s sweat socks. Their previous big advertising campaign was designed to convince consumers that low-carb Michelob Ultra was the ideal way to quench your thirst after participating in an ironman triathlon. The only reason you would ever drink Michelob is because you have it in your head that you would like to be seen drinking something better than Budweiser, yet you don’t actually care what the beer you are drinking tastes like. In other words, if you are a moron.
Your Typical Michelob Drinker
Unfortunately, Michelob’s current strategy of “spending a bunch of money to tell you that their product is really good without actually improving the product” is the kind of strategy that will only work on morons. Which means that profits will likely continue to soar for Michelob and their parent company, Stern Industrial Hog Rendering Anheuser-Busch. More profits for Busch mean an increased payroll for the St. Louis Cardinals. And we all know what that does to the Pittsburgh Pirates chances at a pennant. So the next time you’re at a bar, order a nice, hoppy beer from your local brewery. Then, point to the above guy and tell the bartender, “Put it on that guy’s tab, the one ordering the round of Michelob. I totally beat him at beer pong earlier today. He owes me.”
There’s no way he won’t believe you.
7 responses so far ↓
1 Tim on Dec 7, 2007 at 2:03 am
Ah, the Pittsburgh Pirates. Right there on the Inept Baseball Scale with my beloved hometown Kansas City Royals.
While the Pirates go for the full-on apathy approach to operating their franchise, the Royals opt for the “make a boneheaded move under the guise of trying to look like you’re doing something beneficial” gameplan.
This method includes the events of this week, which involved the Royals issuing a press release confirming the singing of free agent outfielder Jose Guillen to a 3-year, $36 million contract, and about two (2) hours later, issuing a follow-up press release confirming that Jose Guillen has been suspended by Major League Baseball for using illegal performance-enhancing substances. My Royals managed to fork over a contract worth the GNP of several South American countries to a player who has been tossed aside by eight other major league teams in his 11-year career, and then confirmed that he is, in fact, a cheater.
Chalk one up for Kansas City…
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2 John on Dec 7, 2007 at 9:06 am
The Cards are owned by a group chaired by Bill DeWitt. A-B dollars only go back to the large frathouse that is Anheuser-Busch.
FYI- I was the production artist for the Ultra ad in your post. Good times, good times.
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3 face on Dec 7, 2007 at 1:07 pm
If only the Pirates would go back to the awesome cake hats (pictured), then everything would be fine.
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4 Nanner on Dec 9, 2007 at 6:37 am
Luckily baseball is one of the few things left that isn’t affected by ad whoring. If a team is bad, everyone knows it. The numbers are all there, out in the open; and anyone who is a fan of the game is all about the numbers. Apparently the Pirates didn’t get that memo.
As for any type of beer being “refreshing” or “quenching your thirst” ….. that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. But I suppose if you say it enough times, it becomes true. Especially if you can make it rhyme. Then it is without a doubt true.
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5 Libby on Dec 9, 2007 at 7:29 am
What’s a fun experience? Trying to order a Bud Light in Milwaukee Wisconsin.
I am from St. Louis, where you can get Bud Light everywhere–I’m betting the public schools serve it in the cafeteria.
Say what you want about Bud Light, it’s average beer–not awful, but not fantastic either. I generally order it when I’m unsure of what else is available.
I tried to get one in Milwaukee, and the waitress patted my shoulder and kindly–almost with pity—said, “No honey, you want a Miller Lite.”
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6 Minnesota on Dec 9, 2007 at 8:21 pm
I agree about Michelob Ultra and Michelob not being very good beer. When I used to work at a liquor store I’d always have to get it from the back because not enough people bought it by the case. Its a product for health conscience people, low carbs and all that bs.
Just whatever you do: Do NOT confuse Michelob / Ultra with “Michelob Golden Light”. Its one of, if not THE, most popular beer in the state… and it tastes damn good
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7 Suicidal Pirate Fan on Apr 2, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Alas, my beloved Pirates cause me such heartache. Others have moved on, but I still can’t forgive Sid Bream. I swear to myself that if they lose one more time, I will write them off forever and root for a team that is relevant….I can’t. Black and Gold runs through my veins…The Golden “P” is branded on my heart.
If I had a time machine I would commission the Prophet Jeremiah to write a tear stained lamentation about the Bucs.
Jerusalem is once again Israel’s and that is my solace…that the Pirates will be restored to greatness…or at least respectability.
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