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Chawmp!

December 13th, 2007 by Mike Nelson · 16 Comments

11411760   rachel rayRachel Ray called a press conference to announce that she will be packing her considerable maw with Dunkin’ brand donuts and ordered her army of fans to do the same. No surprise there, as this is just another predictable campaign in her march toward world domination. She has made no secret of the fact that by the year 2015, 6 years after she assumes the title Global Empress, she intends to mandate that every one of her billions of subjects subsist solely on the single pint of EVOO distributed by her administration. The fact that she will couch her orders in terms like, “Cool, you guys!!” and, “That would be awesome!!!” should not lull you into thinking for even a second that she would hesitate to cut your throat with her Santoku knife and bleed you like breeder sow should you dare defy her.

reidtimThe thing that is surprising is revealed in the Dunkin’ press photo [click to enlarge]: Though he is talented, well-respected and in demand, actor/director/producer Tim Reid hardly dare refuse when His Suzerain orders him to climb into the mascot suit and mylar wig to pass out bear claws. But, as the photo shows, that doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it.

Tags: RiffTrax

16 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Tim on Dec 13, 2007 at 11:54 am

    I’m assuming Rachel Ray’s rise to the throne will pick up speed once she stages her years-in-the-planning coup against the Sauron-like Martha Stewart?

    Maybe that’s why a segment of Rachel’s television program the other day was a tutorial on fashioning candy canes into spears.

  • 2 Adam on Dec 13, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    Sudoku…knife? I’ve really been playing that game wrong.

  • 3 Mike Nelson on Dec 13, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    The auto-correct feature cuts me again, like a, well, like a knife. “Santuko”, of course.

  • 4 MikeF on Dec 13, 2007 at 3:55 pm

    I must now live with the eternal shame that Rachael Ray is inextricably linked with my favorite provider of caffeine. On behalf of Boston expatriates across the nation, I would like to apologize for every utterance of “Yumm-o!” “Yumza!” “Yummilicious” or similar that will undoubtedly pour out from Ms. Ray’s mouth in staggering quantities.

  • 5 Bill Corbett on Dec 13, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    Good gravy, Mike, have you taken leave of your senses?

    Don’t mess with RR. She’ll disappear us all./i>

  • 6 doggans on Dec 13, 2007 at 7:50 pm

    Where I come from, Sudoku is a full-contact sport.

  • 7 Shawn on Dec 13, 2007 at 8:08 pm

    Ms. Ray wouldn’t be nearly so terrifying if she weren’t obviously The Joker from Batman.

  • 8 Bill Corbett on Dec 13, 2007 at 8:15 pm

    OT, N.B.:

    Added to blogroll:

    http://www.hats.com

  • 9 Spice Weasel on Dec 14, 2007 at 2:17 am

    I hear ya, as a New Englander now living in Las Vegas, there isn’t a decent cup of coffee to be found for a thousand miles (and no, I don’t count Starbucks). I order my Dunkin Donuts coffee fix by the case through their website.

  • 10 Justin on Dec 14, 2007 at 9:23 am

    “EVOO” makes me think of a cockney Brit saying “Evil.” Whereas Rachel Ray just makes me think of evil in general.

    “She’s bloody evoo, she is!”

  • 11 AmandaGal on Dec 14, 2007 at 9:28 am

    Now I’m just waiting for Raytards to invade the blog like they did the forum, screaming Chris Crocker-esque cries of, “Leave the Rach alone!!”

  • 12 Courtney on Dec 14, 2007 at 10:46 am

    My personal favorite Ray Ray moment? When she told us, the viewers, that adding ice to a beverage would cool it off.

    My God. All this time I’d been drinking nothing but lukewarm liquids, even in the hot summer sun. No more my friends! Thank you Rachael Ray. May your drinks always been cool and super YUMMO!

  • 13 Eddie Colton on Dec 15, 2007 at 1:15 am

    I’m actually glad I don’t understand a word of this post. I’m still trying to figure out why RR has her own talk show. What, because she can eat? Because she can eat she gets her own talk show? What the hell is that!? Newflash, TV producers: Rosie O’Donnell did not get her own talk show “because she can eat.” She got her own show because she THREATENED to eat the producers.

  • 14 Nanner on Dec 15, 2007 at 8:54 pm

    I learned from RR that adding chili powder to anything makes it a Mexican thing. She’s very cultured, that one.

  • 15 killeroo on Dec 16, 2007 at 9:25 pm

    Now I know where all the henchmen in the Bond movies buy their headgear.

  • 16 Merat(Ginzu) on Dec 18, 2007 at 1:57 pm

    Ah-hem. “Leave the Rach alone!” you vile heathens!

    Good?