When I was twelve years old I was given a nickname by my friend’s older brother. We were playing basketball in his driveway one morning, when his brother, who was home from college for the summer, stumbled out and joined the game.
He wasn’t one of those guys who competes at full tilt against younger kids. As I recall, he was a generous, easygoing guy. In retrospect, he may have even been a few bong hits into his day already.
At some point I made a decent jump shot and older bro said “Yeah, Fedora!” And from that point on he just kept calling me “Fedora.” Never having heard the word before (this was prehistoric times, when the word had nothing to do with open source software), I asked college boy what it meant.
As you probably know, it’s a hat. He let me know that, but also claimed my new moniker really had nothing to do with hats, per se — I wasn’t wearing one, after all. I just… seemed like a “Fedora.”
A classic Borsalino. Lovely hat, but nothing to me with me, really.
Yeah, it could have been the breakfast ganja talking. The nickname seemed awfully random to me. And yet it stuck among my friends for a few years, and I really didn’t mind it, even if I could never explain it.
In honor of my friend Kenny’s affable (if stoned) older brother, then, I offer you this chance for your own Random Nickname.
Just let me know you’re interested below, and I’ll quickly — and randomly, as promised — assign you a Random Nickname. Feel free to tell me a little about yourself, perhaps 15 words maximum. But know that like Kenny’s way mellow older brother, I may be distracted by a cool bird outside, or some weird dirt on my fingernail, or is it, like, paint?, or a deep thought about the nature and purpose of the universe, and ignore it. In fact, this is likely.
If you complain about your Random Nickname, I will automatically issue you a new one: Stinky. And if you think you’re out of danger because someone else has already been christened Stinky, not so fast: from then on it will be Stinky II, Stinky III, Stinky IV, etc., and so forth, ad infinitum.
On the sunnier side, I pledge not to Random Nickname anyone Lumpy or Itchy.
If you want an RN*, just write “Hit me, Riffclown” below.
(*Random Nickname, not Registered Nurse. If it’s the latter you’re after, you’ll have to come up with one yourself. )