The vast majority of people on the planet have made the sensible choice and avoided the movie “Closer” with Julia “Closer” Roberts, Natalie “Closer” Portman, Clive “Closer” Owens, and Jude “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” Law. I have bucked the trend, paying good, hard won money twice - twice have I rented “Closer”, to my everlasting shame. The only thing I have going for me, I haven’t rented it thrice.
The fact that I have never watched it all the way through is no credit to me - no human has ever watched “Closer” all the way through. That this is true of every Jude Law movie ever produced should not distract from the stark truth that even a partial and distracted viewing of “Closer” is a singularly punishing experience that seemingly everyone on earth but me has had the good sense to avoid.
It would do no good to explain.There is no expiation available, not even if I asked for it. Both times were mistakes: I thought I was renting something else, much like the time I rented the Albert Finney Shakespearean drama “The Dresser”, only to get it home to discover the case actually contained the Dudley Moore film “Unfaithfully Yours”.
But if my public confession of gargantuan “Closer”-related idiocy can save one person from watching even a minute or two of “Closer”, I consider it humiliation well spent.
14 responses so far ↓
1 Tim on Dec 14, 2007 at 2:35 am
The mystery of Jude Law continues. How this willowy, Pan-like man could be considered to be one of the world’s “sexiest” men is baffling.
Yes, the ladies may love his British accent, but I would think the accent is off-set considerably by the fact that his hairline has receded to his calves.
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2 Slade Rockfist on Dec 14, 2007 at 5:14 am
The only thing I remember about this movie is the scene where Clive Owen and Julia Roberts just verbally lay into each other with venom and hate the likes of which I’ve never heard before…..what else happened? I have no idea….
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3 mgroves on Dec 14, 2007 at 6:33 am
One time I rented Zodiac from an online rental service, but it turns out I actually rented THE Zodiac, starring Rory Culkin. That was disappointing.
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4 QuackersnCheese on Dec 14, 2007 at 7:18 am
Wait Jude Law is a guy?! Whoa, back up stop sign, red light, a dude named Jude?! Well thank heaven’s I’ve never seen any of his movies if he’s as bad an actor as you make him out to be. Oh, and heaven forgive me if I believe you and you by some really slim chance turn out to be wrong. I still can’t believe someone would name their boy child Jude, oh well Saint Peter will get a good chuckle if Mr. Law make’s it that far.
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5 Justin on Dec 14, 2007 at 8:44 am
Still, “The Blower’s Daughter” is a great song title.
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6 mrbasehart on Dec 14, 2007 at 9:35 am
Still a better film than The Hours.
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Reply from Mike Nelson on December 14, 2007:
Yes. But a sharp blow from a rock hammer to the edge of one’s kneecap is better than The Hours.
7 Courtney on Dec 14, 2007 at 10:43 am
High on my list of things I never wanted to see: Julia Roberts discussing the way Jude Law’s semen tastes. And thanks to this movie, I saw just that. I remember little else. But that one moment is burned into my brain forever. And there’s no escaping that. Ever. *sigh*
It should be noted: my best friend’s two favorite movies? Closer and The Hours. I question her sentiency sometimes.
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Reply from Bill Corbett on December 14, 2007:
“High on my list of things I never wanted to see: Julia Roberts discussing the way Jude Law’s semen tastes. “
Same here, but just a tad higher on my list…
Substitute “Roseanne” for JR and “Tom Arnold” for JL.
8 Eddie Colton on Dec 15, 2007 at 1:27 am
Is this a different movie than “THE Closer”, or is that just how people react when someone mentions it? “Closer? Not… THE Closer!”
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9 Josh P on Dec 15, 2007 at 4:58 am
I guess I’ll be the first here to say that I loved “Closer.” (Wow… did you feel the wind of a multitude of eyes flashing to the next comment?) I saw it in theaters and just saw it again two nights ago. Yes, it is very difficult to see four people systematically dismantle their lives (hm, kinda like Seinfeld that way I guess), but the way author Charles Marber plays with dialogue is so diabolically clever. I see this more as a Charles Marber movie. I still need to rent “Notes On A Scandal.” I hope it’s good.
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10 Nanner on Dec 15, 2007 at 8:31 pm
I may have impulsively rented it thinking it was a baseball movie about 2007 NL saves leader Jose Valverde. Thanks for the warning!
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11 Will on Dec 18, 2007 at 9:55 am
I’m interested to know: why did you dislike “Closer”?
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12 Dino Dejesus on Nov 12, 2008 at 8:10 pm
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