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I… Am… BEOLAB!

December 17th, 2007 by Mike Nelson · 13 Comments

beolab 5

It’s a gift-giving problem we’ve all faced – what to get the Dane who has everything? You’ve already bought him austere, uncomfortable furniture, a year’s supply of smørrebrød, and the collected works of Victor Borge. Oh, you could always get him a Dala horse, but before you do please take note of the fact that DALA HORSES ARE SWEDISH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! He HATES those people!

Better just to give him the gift you know for certain he’ll love – a pair of strange looking $16,000 Danish speakers that, like most things made in Denmark, have an upsetting little probe that, when you push a button, sproings out and takes measurements of his room acoustics.

(For the record, yes, I want a pair.)

Tags: gift guide

13 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Ariel on Dec 17, 2007 at 9:42 am

    I know its what I’ve always desired…

  • 2 Tim on Dec 17, 2007 at 10:37 am

    So that’s what you Danes are up to when you’re not pouring poison in people’s ears, falling in love with your mothers, or being stabbed while hiding behind curtains…

  • 3 SLP on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:10 am

    Wow, as a Dane, I ‘ve never been on the receiving end of perceived ethnic hostility – but you seem to have started down a slippery slope. You must know many Great Danes including (but not limited to…) Victor Borge, Hans Christian Andersen, Jimmy Olsen, Canute the III, IV & IV, Søren Kierkegaard, and let’s not forget Marmaduke. And when you get your wish, play that memorable song from “South Pacific” – “There is Nothing Like a Dane!” through your new speakers…

  • 4 Mike Nelson on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:32 am

    As a Dane myself, I have experienced tremendous, vicious racism of the most vile kind! Just as one example, I was refused breakfast at McDonald’s because it was after 11:00 AND SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM DANISH!

  • 5 Mr. Slick on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:41 am

    Alas poor Beolab, I knew it naught Micheal.

  • 6 Queen Bee on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:45 am

    Given that racism is rooted in fearing that which one doesn’t understand, I’m theorizing that you went un-McGriddled because people fear the “ø”. As a German, I’ve been prosecuted mightily on account of the terrifying umlaut.

  • 7 SLP on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:55 am

    Oops! Sorry I left your name off my list of Great Danes…
    (Although, if you’re really a Dane why is it Nel”son” and not Nel”sen”?)

  • 8 Steve-O on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:59 am

    Were you ordering a baked apple pie at the time? By some definitions, that might be considered a danish. McDonald’s Corporation and its affiliated entities do not support or condone cannibalism of any kind.

  • 9 Steve-O on Dec 17, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    What, “2500 watts of digital amplification” wasn’t compensation enough? They had to give the things the ability to have an actual erection, too?

  • 10 Rufus T. on Dec 17, 2007 at 1:40 pm

    Not sure about those Danish speakers. Now I could get you a great deal on a pair of French-Canadian speakers. They’re all the rage these days.

  • 11 Nanner on Dec 17, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    I would want them, if I wasn’t so frightened that Krankor could come waltzing out of them at any moment.

  • 12 “Sticks” on Dec 17, 2007 at 4:52 pm

    Are they stereo speakers, so as to support both English and French at the same time?

  • 13 Eddie Colton on Dec 19, 2007 at 2:32 am

    EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!