Holiday music as set by pop music stars tends to evoke certain special feelings, like fear and disillusionment, often followed by confusion, general malaise and tone deafness. So to get us started, here are the five artists whose music I use to drive unwanted visitors from my hearth and home. Here’s my playlist; you can listen to ‘em on Rhapsody. 
My Rhapsody Playlist
America: Holiday Harmony Yes, The Only Band That Never Mattered is still around, popping up at your favorite community playhouses and casino showrooms. Men, listen to the track “Christmas in California” and you’ll immediately transform into a giant woman.*
Kenny G: The Greatest Holiday Classics. Kenny’s renditions of these chestnuts reminds us all that perhaps there is a bright sparkling, joy-filled world awaiting us in which, with the help of a jar of petroleum jelly, Kenny G’s shiny soprano sax completely disappears.
Paul McCartney:Wonderful Christmas Time. Here’s Paul after he died and was reincarnated as Gilbert O’Sullivan. If you enjoy seeing one of the greatest songwriters of the twentieth century do his version of the Star Wars Holiday Special, Clck here.
Jingle Dogs: Unleashed. We’ve all heard their ubiquitous hit “Jingle Bells”, but you really have to listen to an entire album of six dog barks set to Band-in-a-Box arrangements of sacred music to get the full effect. My favorite: a bossa nova setting of the welsh choral masterpiece “All Through the Night.”
Trans Siberian Orchestra:Christmas Eve and Other Stories. Any track on this album will certainly prompt you to break out the family’s Christmas Bong, but the TSO’s setting of Pachelbel’s Canon in G truly turns a canon into a cannon. Aim it at someone you love.
Now it’s your turn. Let’s make it a howly, jowly Christmas.
*Not to be mistaken with the delicately layered choral piece “Christmas in California” by The Cheetah Girls
38 responses so far ↓
1 Tim on Dec 17, 2007 at 10:44 am
Last night, while driving home from work, I was listening to an all-Christmas music radio station. Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time” came on. By the time that endlessly repetitive song was reaching its end, I had nearly made the decision to make a detour to drive to the broadcast location and begin thrashing everyone in sight with a length of garden hose filled with sand.
I realize my true target should be Sir Paul himself, but if I were to hatch a plot to go after him, he’d have me killed the instant I step outside my front door.
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Reply from killeroo on December 17, 2007:
Oh, Sir Paul, why didn’t you quit while you were ahead? Or at least not so far behind…
2 Mike Nelson on Dec 17, 2007 at 10:49 am
Kevin, you forgot this holiday chestnut.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ81wcFL2p8
(The sky remains un-ignited as of this writing.)
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Reply from Bill Corbett on December 17, 2007:
I’ll add that the poor singer remains NO higher
than the diamonds in the sky, to this day.
Reply from Kevin Murphy on December 17, 2007:
Actually I didn’t forget it; the mere mention of it causes boils to erupt on the hollow of my throat. Now I have to spend Christmas scaring my family with my hideous neck boils. Thank you. Happy friggin’ Life Day.
Reply from doggans on December 17, 2007:
Don’t forget about Meco’s attempt to cash in on the Holiday Special’s, erm, success!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_in_the_Stars
3 Leigh Ann on Dec 17, 2007 at 10:49 am
How does the Billy Idol Christmas Album measure up in the grand scheme of horrible celebrity Christmas albums? The scariest part is that he sings the songs completely straight (well, I suppose some drugs could have been involved, but if I had to bet, I could pick Prozac).
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Reply from Patrick S on December 18, 2007:
Whoa! The picture on the album cover looks like the offspring of Merle Haggard and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
4 Mr. Slick on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:35 am
You know I’ve been in the market for mind meltingly BAD holiday toons and now I have some great ideas. Does anyone know if Tupac made any holday albums? “It’s a Punk-Ass Christmas” perhaps?
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5 Steve-O on Dec 17, 2007 at 12:07 pm
For my money, pop holiday music doesn’t get any worse than The Waitresses’ Christmas Wrapping. The tuneless nasal vocals of Patty Donahue make the Baby Jesus cry, which is a truly awful thing to do on the kid’s birthday.
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Reply from Mr. Slick on December 17, 2007:
It also makes Baby Satan touch himself!
6 MontyServo on Dec 17, 2007 at 12:23 pm
As far as holiday albums go, one of the worst (and also one of the most listenable in my mind) is “Chistmas Portrait” by The Carpenters.
It’s hard to listen to and yet still hard to turn off.
And regarding “Christmas Wrapping”, which was mentioned above, it’s one of my all time favs. So I guess opinions vary. (Where have I heard that before?)
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Reply from Steve-O on December 17, 2007:
“So I guess opinions vary. (Where have I heard that before?)”
Probably from the last person to whom you admitted you enjoy the comedic stylings of Carrot Top.
Reply from MontyServo on December 17, 2007:
Well, I was pretty wasted when I saw Top in Vegas. So his “comedic stylings” may not have been as funny as I remember them.
I do dig the Waitresses though. Drunk or otherwise.
7 Conor Lastowka on Dec 17, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Don’t forget this:
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61MJTYJB93L._SS500_.jpg
I think it’s kind of disrespectful that even though it’s credited to John Denver AND The Muppets, that they only photographed The Muppets for the album cover.
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8 Natureboy on Dec 17, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Kevin, you left out the CD A Twisted Sister Christmas. What is up with that?
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Reply from Kevin Murphy on December 17, 2007:
What is up with that indeed. Thank you for adding another ornament (turd) to the tree (growing turd pile).
Reply from Natureboy on December 17, 2007:
I think everybody would have to admit that having a has-been 80’s hair band blasting the only 3 chords they know while butchering Silver Bells could clear out a room in no time. Christmas music and Marshall stacks that are turned up to 11 may not bring out the Christmas spirit in most people.
9 Chris Galloway on Dec 17, 2007 at 1:26 pm
I always felt that Wham’s “Last Christmas” was easily the most oily, or possibly crunchiest, holiday song ever to be committed to tape, and yet to this day I cannot help but sing along with it when I hear it. Something in the way George Michael intones the word “special” made me wonder why women ever thought they had a chance with him.
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Reply from Thom_Serveaux on December 17, 2007:
If you think that’s bad, try this on for size. In an novelty soundtrack, using the voiceactors & actresses from the anime series of the same name, ‘Sailormoon: Christmas For You” the final track, was a rendition of “Last Christmas” belted out in English by one of the female voice actresses, complete with the occasional broken english and occasional mangled pronounciations…
Reply from Chris Galloway on December 17, 2007:
Man, why would you wish that on anyone?
Oh, please give me the youtube link for that video, as I fear wading through Sailor Moon videos in order to find the right one.
And back to Wham, the video for Last Christmas is fantastically disturbing. Apparently the girl that broke George’s heart the year before is now with the Other Wham Guy, and awkwardness ensues as they spend the holiday at a ski resort together.
Reply from Thom_Serveaux on December 18, 2007:
Uh actually I don’t know that there is, or ever was video of any of the tracks on that CD. I merely bought a copy, unawares of the horrors that lie within. You might be able to locate a torrent of the song on a bittorrent site. Your best bet would probably be either Boxtorrents.com of isohunt.com…
Reply from Thom_Serveaux on December 18, 2007:
ignore the last post I found a fan made AMV featuring the version of ‘Last Christmas’ that I was referring to…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drTTAHprCow&feature=related
Hell, forget bad movies, all Dr.F had to to is play this in a continuous loop, and he’d have been ruling the world before New Years’……..
10 Nanner on Dec 17, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Kenny G went solo from the Jingle Dogs, I see…
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11 Bill Corbett on Dec 17, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Here you go, Kevin….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niIJ9Yb-xwQ&feature=related
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Reply from Kevin Murphy on December 17, 2007:
Go to Hell, Bill.
Reply from Bill Corbett on December 17, 2007:
Done, sir. Done.
12 “Sticks” on Dec 17, 2007 at 4:55 pm
I can’t believe you left off “Do They Know Its Christmas” by the horrible, horrible Band Aid. Take the cream of the crap of 80’s British pop, write them an awful ‘holiday’ tune, and sell a million copies in the name of ‘charity’.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jEnTSQStGE
Thank God it’s them instead of me, indeed.
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Reply from Kevin Murphy on December 18, 2007:
And the answer to the musical question, “Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?” is of course no, since a lot of “they” are Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim or perhaps animists of some variety, and although they might have a vague notion of the fact that it is “Christmastime at all,” they might not care as much as, for instance, the horse-toothed guy from Tears for Fears. He certainly knows it’s Chritsmastime.
13 Thom_Serveaux on Dec 17, 2007 at 5:25 pm
I posted this to a thread in the forums, and am too lazy to re-type it, but I tink it still applies here as well…
“One(album) is Dear to me, simply by the fact that it’s unintentionally funny, for the most part, due to a case of ‘culture clash’ . It’s a Christmas album from the cast of voice actors for the anime series Sailormoon entitled ‘[i][b]Christmas For You[/b][/i]’. The funny pertains to the inclusion of two songs in to the album that don’t exactly fit. One is ‘[i][b]When You Wish Upon A Star[/b][/i]’ which is fine if that star is the star of Bethlemem, but otherwise, not so much. The oher song is ‘[i][b]When The Saints Go Marching In’,[/b][/i] which deals with Jesus second coming, not his first. Despite all that, it’s a very well produced album, with old standards like ‘Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer’ & ‘I’m Dreaming of A White Christmas’ as well as a delightful send-up of George Michaels’ ‘Last Christmas’. Also, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard ‘Ave Maria’ sung in a combination of Latin/Japanese…
The other album comes under the heading of [b]’They Shoulda’ Left Well Enough [/b][b]Alone’ [/b] It’s actually called [i][b]’Dear Santa: Holiday Music Collection Volume One’[/b][/i] The problem I have is with a song that Alicia Keys tried to ‘make her own’ by singing it a little differently, and not how you might think, either. She does so by singing about herself in the first person. Nothing wrong with that you say? Well perhaps….
But she was singing about [i][b]’The Little Drummer Girl’[/b][/i]…
…..
..and Yes, I said [i][b]GIRL[/b][/i]…”
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Reply from Thom_Serveaux on December 17, 2007:
sorry for leaving in the tags, but like I said, I was feeling particularly lazy…
14 Dallas on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:34 pm
And who could forget the classic A Colt .45 Christmas
Granted, I have never actually listened to this masterwork, but with songs like “Deck My Balls” and “Frosty [Explicit]” how can you go wrong?
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15 Kei on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Although it’s a matter of opinion, original Christmas music creations have just as much right to this hate-fest as all the other tripe out there. Seriously, those artists work really hard, sometimes up to THREE HOURS (minus time for naps and snacks), on adding creativity and spice to the holiday music scene. I think they should get what they deserve.
For instance, too few people have capitalized on the explosive sexuality of our favorite overweight house-intruder. (No, not Uncle Marty. Though he’d probably be up there on the list.)
This particular song simply says aloud what we were all thinkin’. Because, let’s face it, we’ve all gaped and gawked at Santa like a big, juicy piece of Christmas ham as he provocatively huffed and grunted his way down our chimneys. My, my, Santa. That fur-trimmed suit looks so heavy. Why not slip into something a little more comfortable, something that shows off your sexy, gourdlike silhouette?
So give thanks to country girl-group SheDAISY for giving us yet another reason to drown ourselves in Christmas cheer. Bottle after bottle of Christmas cheer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_-C11_LbYI
But, hey, the good news is, if you’re bored, ambitious, or currently unemployed, the song has more than one use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlJABbHTI3Y
And a Happy New Year…
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16 Patrick S on Dec 18, 2007 at 6:34 am
Uhhhh… I don’t know if I should leave a comment here or under Bill Corbett’s post about confessing one’s bad sense of taste ala Billy Jack but…. I actually listened to the whole you tube link of Kenny G’s “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” But that’s the only one of his songs that I’ve listened to… really…. honest… ~sigh~
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17 Jacques on Dec 18, 2007 at 7:04 am
Surely you’ve heard “The Christmas Shoes,” possibly the most trite song ever written:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNsvE33pRSw
Also, “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” is really, really grating.
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18 Eddie Colton on Dec 19, 2007 at 2:51 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydN0CgjQivs
(Read: “junkies”)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7XlmkPv_ac
There’s a less offensive-to-all-that’s-holy fan video on there too, but this was just funnier.
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19 dignan on Dec 20, 2007 at 8:51 am
I have friends who actually admit to liking “Wonderful Christmastime.” What is wrong with them and how can they be fixed?
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