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Whither the World’s Longest Strip of Bacon?

December 17th, 2007 by Conor Lastowka · 15 Comments

Bacon Scarf

I give you, the Bacon Scarf. It is clearly the preferred method of keeping your neck warm, especially iff your head is already cozily contained in the hollowed out chest of a lamb. Obviously, the only thing wrong with the scarf is its $38 price tag. For an item whose target audience is skewed as ironically as the Bacon Scarf’s audience, it’s important to keep things at an impulsive level.

Since you brought up the subject of bacon, a few months ago, while trying to create fake internet videos for a friends TV show, I offered up the opinion that doing a video about the creation and then the eating of the World’s Longest Strip of Bacon would be quite popular on the internet. My reasoning was thus:

1. It’s really stupid

My idea was hastily shouted down, but I stand by it’s potential viral-ness. Preliminary searches for “longest strip of bacon“, “biggest strip of bacon“, “world’s biggest piece of bacon” and “world’s longest piece of bacon” turn up a combined total of 2 results, neither of which stakes any sort of claim to the record. Which means that it is out there for the taking.

I see the main hurdle as being how you attach the individual strips of bacon to each other. I think that a stipulation should be that you must be able to eat the entire strip of bacon, if you so desired. This means no stapling or twine involved. Tying the pieces of uncooked bacon together with knots seems like it might work, but once again, google remains mute on anybody with past experience “tying bacon knots” (Come on people, aren’t these the types of problems we figured out years ago? Weren’t the pioneers sitting around tying bacon knots? What else did they have to do!)

You then run into the issue of how to cook the bacon. Do you do it before the pieces are tied together? Can you tie them together and then lay the strip in the frying pan in a spiral? How many rolls of paper towels will be required to pat down the World’s Longest Strip of Bacon?

There are lots of questions, and I hope you will help me come up with some answers. Right now, there is no record for the World’s Longest Strip of Bacon. By February of 2008, I hope the record has been broken a dozen times.

Tags: bacon · gift guide · silly

15 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Tim on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:11 am

    Why worry with “bacon knots”? All you have to do is find a pig the size of a 15-passenger van. In these days of genetically-engineered animals, there must be giants pigs roaming around somewhere.

    So, if it’s the “World’s Longest Strip of Bacon” you seek, I say search for the “World’s Largest Pig” Much like the greasy, artery-clogging pot of gold at the end of a fat, smelly, refuse-eating rainbow…you’ll find your bacon.

  • 2 Mike Nelson on Dec 17, 2007 at 11:18 am

    I humbly suggest that I have solved the problem: blanched strings of green onion are used to stitch the strips together. The 400 yard strip (just guessing) is then fed into a conveyor belt “Salamander” broiler, such as those found, for example, at the more than 4000 Quizno’s locations across the country. Would Quizno’s sponsor the event? Almost certainly.

    We could have this done by March ‘08. Let’s get moving, people!

  • 3 Kevin Murphy on Dec 17, 2007 at 12:40 pm

    This may not be helpful to this symposium, but I’d like to point out that the bespoke tailor Mr. Archie McPhee offers the Bacon-Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo for a modest hundred bucks. With the scarf, you would look like a bacony Jon Voight at the Oscar…Meyers.

  • 4 Steve-O on Dec 17, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    I appreciate you giving us the heads up on what is sure to be the next “Chris Crocker bawling under a blanket.” Once this thing hits big, I’ll be first in line with the inevitable copycat stunts. Here are a few starter ideas for which I’m currently buying up related Internet domains.

    * “World’s Widest Strip of Bacon” — If you marveled at the sight of thousands of bacon strips laid end-to-end, you’ll damned near wet yourself when you see thousands of bacon strips laid side-to-side!
    * “World’s Longest Sausage” — I’m fairly confident I can get Ron Jeremy to be the public face of the marketing campaign for this one.
    * “World’s Largest Beggin’ Strip” — The Cafe Press shirts featuring a whimsical cartoon dog shouting, “It’s Really Big Bacon!!!” are sure to be a hot seller.
    * “World’s Largest Clump of Artery Plaque Scrapings” — Both a natural wonder in its own right, and a useful teaching tool for proponents of good vascular health. A portion of the merchandising proceeds from the WLCoAP are donated to the American Heart Association.
    * “Strip’n'Slide” — When the novelty of the world’s largest/widest strip of bacon subsides, cut it into sections and sell them as implements of summer family fun. Beads of fat emerge in the hot sun to provide hours of slippery entertainment, then congeal in the cool of evening for storage!

  • 5 Marty on Dec 17, 2007 at 12:51 pm

    Hey, it’s all in the cutting, toss this idea out at some butcher convention, make it a contest…

    Or toss the largest slab of pig you can find into one of those computer controlled water jet cutting machines, should be edible when it comes out, right???

    No, I’ve got it, lasers! Computer controlled lasers, cut and cook at the same time!

  • 6 Chanel on Dec 17, 2007 at 1:33 pm

    $38? Eff that, I’m going to knit one for no less than $5 worth of yarn.

    \m/

  • 7 “Sticks” on Dec 17, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    This makes my idea about having a “World’s Oldest Hot Dog” eating contest look positively dumb. And possibly poisonous.

  • 8 Josh P on Dec 17, 2007 at 5:14 pm

    After my own little research, the only bacon-related World Record I found was this bacon buttie* cooking event. If anyone is need of lots of bacon, I’m sure this guy would how to get it. Here’s the excerpt:
    “Aberdeen Press & Journal 11/3/2006

    Charity champ in bid to break bacon buttie world record!

    Aberdeen based chef, Tony Thompson, cooked a staggering 1,100 bacon butties for participants at the Aberdeen Cyrenians Sleepout, in aid of a local charity for the homeless.

    The breakfast marathon took nearly four hours to complete, and Tony used 2,000 rashers of bacon, 1,100 bread rolls and two gallons of tomato sauce. Tony is currently awaiting final confirmation of his new record breaking status from the Guinness Book of World Records.”

    Excerpt from this very bacony site: http://www.dbmc.co.uk/bacon_facts/bacon_bites_index.asp?offset=10

    *Do a Google Image search to see what a bacon buttie is.

  • 9 Conor Lastowka on Dec 17, 2007 at 6:05 pm

    Please note that the first google search for bacon buttie links to a site called Old Scrote’s Sandwiches.

  • 10 torgosPizza on Dec 17, 2007 at 9:23 pm

    While we’re on the topic, let’s not forget the best website ever for bacon lovers? http://www.ilovebacon.com

  • 11 Tim on Dec 17, 2007 at 9:58 pm

    Let’s see…we’ve got references to strips of bacon, using onion strings as sewing material, long sausages, Jon Voight, butcher conventions, old hotdogs, and a place called Old Scrote’s Sandwiches.

    The most unsettling message thread yet. A veritable cascade of horrors.

  • 12 Bill Corbett on Dec 17, 2007 at 10:24 pm

    But TP, they totally ignore bacon! I thought I’d found my people at last… but they’re imposters, trying to get by on bacon’s belovedness.

    Now THIS a bacon website:

    http://iheartbacon.com/

    From their last blog entry:

    “My savior has arrived…

    And its’ name is BACON SALT.
    I met with Dave, one of the geniuses behind Bacon Salt, a few weeks ago to try out the product. I was leery because of my past experience with Bacon Spray, but this stuff is the real deal. Completely tastes like bacon. And it’s fantastic on fries. And chicken. And maybe even licked straight out of the container.
    The only thing to remember is that this is indeed salt, and unlike other things (i.e. bacon), you actually CAN have too much salt. So use it judiciously. But use it often.

  • 13 torgosPizza on Dec 18, 2007 at 8:50 am

    Oh man, Bill. You’re right. Impostors! I am now removing them from my bookmarks. How could I have been so blind??

  • 14 Rob on Jan 7, 2008 at 10:59 pm

    What else in a person’s wardrobe could compliment something like that?

    Answer: nothing. They would have to be naked.

  • 15 ServoCrowRules on Jan 11, 2008 at 7:33 pm

    There can never be any RECORDS of BACON worn…or otherwise. The simple reason is this: BACON is NOT MEANT FOR THE RECORD BOOKS….less those record books are for eating…Now give me a BBB (bacon/bacon/bacon) sammich -eating contest; none of that silly hot-dog-dippin’ -in-water-schlock…I’m talking REAL PORK WORSHIP HERE…

    Where was I ….I got a little dizzy…scarves??? NEVER!!! Can you IMAGINE??? Why some enamorous bacon-lover could drop his beloved off after an innocent date. She could be wearing this latest fashion plate. Suddenly…he goes to give her a smooch on the cheek and BOOM! HE GOES FOR THE NECK IN A RAVENOUS FURY!!!

    IT COULD BE A DISASTER!!

    *sniff* I -I smell bacon frying….I-I’ve gotta go..