We just adopted a Cocker pup, a skinny little former stray, but healthy and happy thanks to the kind people at Shorewood Cocker Rescue. He’s a bit thin, and it’s bone-chilling weather here in Minnesota, so until he beefs up he needs a warm little sweater to wear on long walks. This prompted me to browse the web to find him something comfortable, durable and not to goofy-looking.
WARNING: What I found may shock and outrage you as it did me.
Just because a holiday is coming is no reason to humiliate an entire species for no other purpose than so Aunt Midge can pull out her Instamatic and say say, “Ohh, fer cute, hold him while I take her pitcher.” Sure, part of the problem is that Aunt Midge has a forty-year-old Instamatic that uses Flashcubes and has a broken cover held on by an Elmo Band-Aid so it takes her roughly eleven hours to snap one picture, but we’re missing the bigger problem here.
The problem is the dogs. The noble domestic canine, canis lupis familiaris, loyal acolyte, protector, laborer, forced to wear some polymorphic nightmare while we laugh at them. Cases in point:
Think this is cute? does it make you laugh? Does it “jingle your bells?” I think it’s tragic.
This is good for your faithful friend’s self concept. Let him out in the neighborhood and even the rabbits will laugh at him. Then he’ll get beat up by a poodle, dragged into the gutter by a kitten, thrown in the pound and gang-banged by a family of Dachshunds. Merry Christmas, King Timahoe.
Hi! I’m a meticulously bred champion terrier. Well known for my courage, graceful line and gentle demeanor, while not without a keen hunting skill passed down to me through centuries. This Christmas, my family decided to show me their love by strapping a stuffed toy to my back, and now I look like that sad bastard in the taco ads. Thank you.
Good dog. I love you. Now sit there like a dumb asshole with a foam tree tied to your head while Aunt Midge takes your picture. Stay now, Aunt Midge can’t find any Flashcubes. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable. I don’t care if you have to spritz! SIT, DAMMIT!
Okay, here we go. Let’s extend our passive loathing of dogs directly to our faith system. I’ll assume that they both went to Kanine Shul, And I think I heard the short one lecture on the Mekhilta Midrash at Congregation Beth Fido. I’m sure any family of faith will want to address their dog as “Reb Bowser.”
Hey, wait, this has nothing to do with any holiday, it’s simply gratuitous! Just stop it.
AWow. This is wrong on so many levels, I don’t know where to begin. I’m serious, stop it now!
Aaugh! Dear God in heaven, no, no! Augh! Aaugh! Aaaaugh!
I’ve said my peace. But if I see any of you on the street, all festive and jolly, with a dog dressed in anything but a modest, practical sweater or snow booties, I promise I’ll bite you.
23 responses so far ↓
1 doggans on Dec 19, 2007 at 10:40 am
Between this and the cat wig post, I foresee “Stupid People Who Shouldn’t Have Pets” becoming a regular feature of the RiffBlog.
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2 Tim on Dec 19, 2007 at 10:46 am
There’s a new twist on an old headline…
“Man Bites Dog’s Owner”
Sub-heading: “Dog was dressed as Elvis, so no arrests were made”
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3 Chris on Dec 19, 2007 at 11:06 am
I see nothing wrong with
The elf needs a way around, and goshdarnit, those legs definitely aren’t going to get him anywhere.
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4 SaucyRossy on Dec 19, 2007 at 11:10 am
Yoda dog should be the new Rifftrax logo
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5 Rufus T. on Dec 19, 2007 at 11:10 am
I must agree with you Mr. Murphy. It is absolutely horrendous to see some poor dog dressed in any kind of man-animal clothing.
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6 Kei on Dec 19, 2007 at 11:21 am
I’ve lost faith in the universe.
Kevin, you just ruined Christmas. [sobs]
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7 Neb on Dec 19, 2007 at 11:29 am
Utterly loathsome. Still, the people who actually torture their animals with this kind of caca will completely miss the point of any kind of criticism of this disturbing trend.
I have a good friend who is responsible for that whole “howling coyote with a bandana” Santa Fe kitsch concept. She is thoroughly ashamed of herself and flinches when she sees them painted on fake Navaho pots or fashioned into sheet metal bookends or on rhinestone-encrusted sweatshirts. Who’d have thought it would catch on like it did? The cheesy kitsch buyers of the world are EAGER for this stuff! It’s frightening.
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8 Merat(Ginzu) on Dec 19, 2007 at 11:56 am
The Yoda-Dog thing made me laugh. I admit it. It was the sheer mind-boggling bizarreness of it. That poor dog. The worst we ever did to ours was to put a dog blanket over her so she wouldn’t be cold outside.
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9 Bill Corbett on Dec 19, 2007 at 11:57 am
Spot on, sir.
(makes note: return Christmas gift of Spiderman costume for Kevin’s new dog)
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10 Adam on Dec 19, 2007 at 1:13 pm
I work for a company that publishes pet care books, so a lot of pet-related email-forwards find their way through our office.
As a result, I’ve seen even worse dog costumes than these, usually around Halloween, easily the worst season for mean-spirited dog owners.
How about a Boston Terrier in a French maid outfit, complete with frilly little hat? Now there’s a healthy outlet for that dog owner’s resentment and desperation!
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11 "Sticks" on Dec 19, 2007 at 1:25 pm
If you see a dog in one of these costumes run out in front of your car, do him or her a favor and don’t step on the brakes. Just know you’re doing the right thing.
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12 Edgewriter on Dec 19, 2007 at 2:50 pm
*Buys a “Itchy” (Chewbacca’s dad) costume for neighbors hairless dog I can’t stand*
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13 Sampo on Dec 19, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Then, if I’m reading you right, you would disapprove of things like this?
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14 Sampo on Dec 19, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Um, I meant this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6qdfJG-aRo
Thought I could embed…
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Reply from Kevin Murphy on December 20, 2007:
Why, yes, that is exactly the kind of thing I would disapprove of. Thank you for pointing out. I have to go cry now.
15 Natureboy on Dec 19, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Oh good god! I never thought I would see the day that Kevin would agree with Shia LaBeouf about dogs having too much “bling” on them. The world is ending, I know it!
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Reply from Edgewriter on December 19, 2007:
Agreeing with someone isn’t the same as a general acceptance of them. Even the most mindnumbingly stupid people are right some of the time.
For instance, Dionne Warwick may come out of her house this morning and say “It sure is cold.”
If I were in the vicinity, I might agree with her. That does not mean that I agree with her view of the world or that I have changed my opinion that her nose holes are the size of dinner plates. But she was right on that day in that particular place and time.
That’s all I’m saying.
Dogs have way too much bling.
16 Mr. Slick on Dec 19, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Do you REALLY want Yoda humping your leg?
Do you REALLY want your dog dressed as Yoda humping your leg?
Yeah I don’t like dogs humping my leg either.
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17 Eddie Colton on Dec 19, 2007 at 9:54 pm
Even Michael Vick wouldn’t go this far!
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18 Melissa on Dec 20, 2007 at 6:48 am
Thank you Kevin, for putting into words the utter horror that has stunned me into silence when I’ve seen things like this on dogs.
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19 Libby on Dec 20, 2007 at 7:22 am
Have you even BEEN to “http://stuffonmymutt.com”?
The lunacy continues there, believe me. It’s not always costumes, but if you go back to the posts around Halloween, you’ll see some things better left unsaid…and unseen, frankly.
I laugh at the pictures, but luckily my dog is safe–I would never do that to her.
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20 SarahCanuck on Dec 27, 2007 at 11:43 am
First off - awesome on ya for adopting a pup. Animal rescue people are good people.
Second off - just try getting a cat into that costume. Oh, you may succeed, but you will be in as much pain as the cat is.
Third off - the hot-dog daschund is creeping me out. Yeeeeeek.
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21 Sensei_Rebel on Apr 25, 2008 at 2:15 am
Wow, this post made me pee my pants. Well done on the funny.
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