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MAN, I feel like a woman!

December 26th, 2007 by Mike Nelson · 67 Comments

Shania TWAIN I Feel Like A Woman HQ2.017The novelty song whose name must not be spoke (and whose creator should have her name blotted from the Book of Life*) is truly a modern horror on the level of mustard gas and lolcats (I refuse to link to them – you’re on your own there.) But then I accidentally heard the Shania Twain gut punch Man! I Feel Like a Woman! and I realized there is a deeper level of suffering that my memory, God bless it, had suppressed.

Shania apparently tosses off hope-destroying nightmares like the average person sloughs of dead skin cells because she is, you’ll recall, the dark priestess responsible for That Don’t Impress Me Much (WARNING! THE LINK IS PROVIDED ONLY TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO VIEW THE VIDEO IN ITS ENTIRETY. Do so and you WILL DIE!)

She has managed to keep pace with Bernie Taupin who co-wrote an amazing two hope destroying nightmares in one 12-month period! We Built This City, which has more than once been crowned the worst rock ‘n’ roll song of all times and These Dreams for Heart, a song that features what I think is the worst lyric in history (”The sweetest song is silence/That I’ve ever heard.”**)

So aside from the obvious MacArthur Parkes and the Popozaos and the I’ve Never Been to Mes and the Ebony and Ivorys of the world, I’d be interested to hear which (popular) songs wring the hope and joy from your soul?

*Grammar experts, I know this is wrong – a little help?

**If you want to put forth Steve Miller’s oft cited “Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas” train wreck as the worst ever, I won’t argue with you. We can hate them both over a beer – I’m buying.

Tags: RiffTrax

67 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Mike on Dec 26, 2007 at 5:56 pm

    “From this moment” by… that one lady. You see, it’s supposed to be tender, but I can just feel it draining me emotionally and my heart feels like it’s being compressed by a set of cold, scaly hands.

  • 2 Nanner on Dec 26, 2007 at 6:05 pm

    How about that life after love song by Cher? I had to suffer through that endlessly when I worked in a hospital kitchen. Considering that the chef thought this was a good thing to listen to, I wondered what else in their view of reality was skewed, such as what they thought would be a good idea to feed people. I feared for the safety of the patients.

  • 3 Jim Dandy on Dec 26, 2007 at 6:13 pm

    “We Didn’t Start The Fire” had long tortured me as if I were being burned by a fire Billy Joel had indeed ignited in my ear drums.

    Now that I have young kids and I listen to songs by the Wiggles with topics like climbing stairs or Dora the Explorer covering Kool and the Gang on a regular basis, much of my soul has been drained and I am numb to most awful sonic input. Now it’s when I find myself humming along or tapping my toe that I get truly frightened.

  • 4 Leigh Ann on Dec 26, 2007 at 6:17 pm

    I don’t know, I’d have nominate America as a contender for the worst lyric department, with “There were plants and birds and rocks and things”.

  • 5 Nick on Dec 26, 2007 at 6:27 pm

    It’s as if it happened yesterday… (wavy image, cross-fading to a plastic-looking dance club filled with smoke and losers)

    Two years ago, while in Orlando for a conference, I went to Disney’s Pleasure Island, and — after downing more than my allotment of Reds on the rocks — wandered into their 80’s dance club.

    In my haze, I found myself watching a pure certified 80’s scene: two after-market-boobular women (one of whom looked frighteningly like an after-market boobular Susan Powter), grinding each other like a pair of Tila Tequilas, but dirtier. The music in the background — for all I remember — was about two hours’ worth of Olivia Newton John’s “Physical.”

    This was the moment I realized that my life was TFU.

  • 6 Nathan on Dec 26, 2007 at 6:54 pm

    It’s rare to hear popular music that doesn’t induce a little cringe these days…

    Perhaps the best way to write that sentence is “the name of which must not be spoken (and the creator of which should have her name blotted from the Book of Life)”

    I think other than the “spoke,” though, it may actually be correct.

  • 7 ROPER on Dec 26, 2007 at 7:13 pm

    I’ve always found Tom Sawyer by Rush to be both lyrically and vocally, pain inducing.

  • 8 Zoyx on Dec 26, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    This home brew video with “Wildfire” by Michael Martin Murphey (the other 3M), causes blood and brain material to ooze from my nose and ears. Thanks.

  • 9 Dallas on Dec 26, 2007 at 7:39 pm

    I know it hasn’t been out long enough to truly enter the pantheon of bad songs, but I fully believe that “My Humps”, by former Kids Incorporated star and crystal meth enthusiast Fergie, is destined to be mentioned in hushed tones whenever terrible songs are discussed for years to come.
    (And yes, little girls, the most you can possibly hope for in life is to be sexy enough that you will be able to prostitute yourself for designer goods, rather than crumpled dollar bills.)

    On the other hand, Alanis Morrisette’s parody version of the song is the only thing that has inspired me to respect that particular output of Canada since her work on You Can’t Do That on Television, so maybe it’s not all bad.*

    *Not true; it is.

  • 10 LDT on Dec 26, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    I have been subjected to some second hand ear-hell over the holidays in the form of some tune about a boy who’s buying shoes for his mom who’s dying of cancer. As someone who’s mother did die of cancer this song offends me. As a musician this song also offends me.

    I am not sure who wrote it or who is singing it but it should be banned. I suspect it’s a David Foster joint though as it has all the hallmarks of his crapmanship. It’s as predictable as it is cliche and as contrived as it is unsencere.

    Who ever is responsible for it should be set on fire.

  • 11 Chris P. on Dec 26, 2007 at 9:24 pm

    Two words: Afternoon Delight

    If you’re ever brave (…or foolish) enough to deconstruct the song (…something that I don’t recommend unless under the influence some really good ten year old scotch), two things become obvious: first, it’s about as subtle as a brick of C4 strapped to your head, and two, it’s just catchy enough to get under your skin, get into your brain pan, AND NEVER, EVER, LEAVE.

    I’m convinced the Starland Vocal Band has constructed one of the first weapons grade pop songs. Sure, many of the title suggested so far are all terrible and insidious in their own special ways, but if some evil organization or mad scientist discover the secrets behind this song, we’re all doomed.

    Doomed, I tell you!

  • 12 Tim on Dec 26, 2007 at 9:46 pm

    Nearly any track off of nearly any Gwen Stefani album cultivates a desire in my heart to pour a beaker full of sulfuric acid into my ears.

    I swear Gwen Stefani’s “musical genius” consists of 5-second drum loops and endlessly repetitive choruses.

    Her music breaks new ground in the field of annoyance, and may quite possibly be the audiological embodiment of hell itself.

  • 13 Edgewriter on Dec 26, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    In 5th grade my class sang Neil Diamond’s “Coming to America”
    To this day I have nightmares where I have to sing thw word “Today” twelve thousand times in a row over and over.
    My wive loves her some Neil Diamond, but that song and the endless Todays ignited a burning hot hatred of the man that it took me years and years to get over. It is only recently that I was able to listen to one of his songe without bitterly grunting “today”.

  • 14 Raistlan on Dec 26, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    I was in Arby’s a couple weeks ago eating to Willie Nelson singing “Deck the Halls”. I was only able to find 30-second samples of it on the web at, but I want to share the agony as much as possible.

    If you don’t understand how it would be so painful, think of Willie’s distinctive croon and “Falalala la lala la la” together.

  • 15 SarahCanuck on Dec 26, 2007 at 11:48 pm

    On behalf of Canada, I apologise for the occurrence of Shania Twain.

  • 16 SarahCanuck on Dec 26, 2007 at 11:56 pm

    Ah, and I would add – anything by Simple Plan.

    “Last night I just wanted to have fun
    To go out with my friends
    I took my dad’s car
    I never thought he would find out
    But I crashed in a wall
    Man I’m dead
    I guess it’s no use
    I’m screwing up ever little thing I ever try to do
    I was born to lose
    Yeah yeah yeah yeah

    God must hate me
    He cursed me for eternity
    God must hate me
    Maybe you should pray for me
    I’m breaking down and you can’t save me
    I’m stuck in hell
    And I wanna go home”

    “Do you ever feel like breaking down?
    Do you ever feel out of place?
    Like somehow you just don’t belong
    And no one understands you
    Do you ever wanna run away?
    Do you lock yourself in your room?
    With the radio on turned up so loud
    That no one hears you screaming

    No you don’t know what it’s like
    When nothing feels all right
    You don’t know what it’s like
    To be like me”
    Now this, my friends, is horror.

  • 17 ern2150 on Dec 27, 2007 at 1:01 am

    Feist’s commercial makes me want to stab my ears one two three four … Factorial times.

  • 18 Natureboy on Dec 27, 2007 at 4:52 am

    Mike, you suppressed more than Heart from the 1980’s. you must have forgotten the lycical craftsmanship by KISS, having written such gems like “Let’s put the X in Sex, my love is a muscle and you make me want to flex”.

    Actually, the 80’s landscape is littered with horrible song writing.

  • 19 Chris P. on Dec 27, 2007 at 5:53 am

    Sarah, I see your Simple Minds, and raise you a big, heaping helping of Celine Dion. I can make it through “Alive and Kicking” or even “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” without so much as a facial tick. But when the first few notes of “My Heart Will Go On” start to play on ye ‘ol light FM, my face contracts into a ricktus of pure fear.

    Needless to say, I didn’t do a lot of driving during the late ’90’s.

  • 20 doggans on Dec 27, 2007 at 6:04 am

    //(…something that I don’t recommend unless under the influence some really good ten year old scotch)//

    Or watching a particular episode of “Arrested Development”.

  • 21 Patricks on Dec 27, 2007 at 6:14 am

    Okay, I don’t know if this counts as it was originally a novelty song and not meant to be serious but it actually was on the charts when I was in high school. Between the lyrics??, singing??? and general lack of anything musical, I feel great shame that I even remember this. Perhaps it’s a musical carcinogen that you never quite work out of your system. I present:

  • 22 Kevin Murphy on Dec 27, 2007 at 6:31 am

    I can only quote Toto, from Toto 4:

    “Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you,
    There’s nothing that a hundred men or more
    could ever do;
    I blessed the rains down in Africa.
    Gonna take some time to do the things we never had .”

  • 23 Susan B. on Dec 27, 2007 at 6:42 am

    “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion makes my heart *not* want to go on.

    “Warrior” by Scandal with the nonsensical, cheesy line, “follow me stereo jungle child”. **shudder**

  • 24 mrbasehart on Dec 27, 2007 at 7:34 am

    It’s the foghorn vocals of Whitney Houston on “I Will Always Love You” that gets me reaching for weaponry.

  • 25 Josh on Dec 27, 2007 at 8:29 am

    Absolutely anything by Jethro Tull leaps forward to battle anything by Rush in fight to the death for the worst music of all time..With Bobby Goldsboro as the Ref..

  • 26 Courtney on Dec 27, 2007 at 8:53 am

    With you on this. When I heard one of her latest “4am” I thought “wow I almost don’t hate this” and then I realized that I did in fact hate it, just slightly less than everything else she’s ever produced. Please stop, Gwen. And people need to stop thinking her some fashion icon because guess what? Having Asian women follow you around is not fashion. Now Lebanese women, that would be a different story.

  • 27 Courtney on Dec 27, 2007 at 8:57 am

    That “Hey There Delilah” song actually makes me want to grab the pliers and pull my ears off. We had a bit of a tornado scare this fall. The sky was gray-green and the sirens were going and my boyfriend and I were driving home and that awful terrible horrendous song came over the radio. And I was filled with terror that the last thing I heard before death would be that whiny mouse-man voice singing “hey there Delilah, blah blah blah blah stalker annoying whine whine blah.”

  • 28 Courtney on Dec 27, 2007 at 9:02 am

    To add, I just looked up the lyrics, and there’s this gem: “I’m a thousand miles away, But girl tonight you look so pretty, Yes you do.” Now how would he know that? Creeeeeeeepy.

  • 29 Bill Corbett on Dec 27, 2007 at 9:08 am

    The Doors, LOVE STREET:

    “She lives on Love Street,
    Lingers long on Love Street,
    She has a house and garden,
    I would like to see what happens

    She has robes and she has monkeys,
    Lazy diamond-studded flunkies,
    She has wisdom and knows what to do,
    She has me and she has you.”

    I’m a bit alarmed to hear that she has me. Robes, monkeys, and diamond studded-flunkies are OK individually, I guess… but they’re a dangerous combination.

  • 30 "Digits" on Dec 27, 2007 at 9:25 am

    ANYTHING by Reba McIntyre (sp?)
    I CANNOT stand that womans voice! I start looking for a screwdriver (not the alcoholic kind) every single time I hear a song. Cause whomever is responsible for playing it? They are getting that screwdriver IN THEIR EYE!

    Come to think of it, however, the alcoholic kind might mellow me out…

  • 31 Patricks on Dec 27, 2007 at 9:34 am

    Hey, how about the unintelligible musings of one Peter Frampton…. Just one example below (especially the last verse) but there are many more:

    Shadows grow so long before my eyes
    And they’re moving across the page
    Suddenly the day turns into night
    Far away from the city

    But don’t hesitate ‘cuz your love won’t wait
    Ooh baby I love your way (everyday)
    Wanna tell you I love your way
    Wanna be with you night and day

    Moon appears to shine and light the sky
    With the help of some fireflies
    I wonder how they have the power to shine, shine, shine
    I can see them under the pine


    I can see the sunset in your eyes
    Brown and grey and blue besides
    Clouds are stalking islands in the sun
    I wish I could buy one out of season


  • 32 MarkAndrew on Dec 27, 2007 at 9:38 am

    There is a song that provokes me to the brink of uncontrolable violence. I am afraid that one day, I’ll hear it once too often and snap. I only hope that if that day comes and I begin to kill everyone around me, I’m surrounded by the Baha Men.

    For that song is “Who let the dogs out”.

  • 33 Queen Bee on Dec 27, 2007 at 10:19 am

    I cannot believe that I am the first person in 32 comments to name “Honey.”

    “Came runnin’ in all excited
    Slipped and almost hurt herself
    And I laughed till I cried”

    I’d let the angels take me away, too, if I were married to a turbo-douche.

    Of the many reasons I respect Michael J. Nelson, his utter horror of She Who Must Not Be Named is #2. Surely you are aware that Dave Barry wrote an *entire book* on horrible pop music, based on overwhelming reader reaction to a single column about, I believe, Neil Diamond.

  • 34 Sampo on Dec 27, 2007 at 10:20 am

    I positively loathe the Brenda Lee version of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” largely because of the last 15 seconds. Up to that point, it’s only mildly noxious, even occasionally sprightly. But right at the end, just as the band is winding up, there is a blood-curdling series of yaps that sounds to my ears like the noise a cat might make if you sliced off each of his paws, one by one, in time with the music. It sends chills down my spine and if I’m in my car when I hear this, I have the distinct urge to veer into oncoming traffic. I don’t know why somebody decided to include these horrible noises in a jaunty little holiday tune. But the fact that someone did has scarred my soul.

  • 35 Eddie Colton on Dec 27, 2007 at 10:37 am

    The Platters’ “Only You,” because they sing, “Only You CAND make this world seem right.” Yes, cand. They enunciate a letter that isn’t even there. No wonder the British make fund of us.

  • 36 Courtney on Dec 27, 2007 at 11:02 am

    Not to get all indie here, since we’re rightly ridiculing overplayed pop douchery, but can someone please explain the desperate community love of Antony and the Johnstons? Tiny Tim sounded manlier and more listenable.

  • 37 Raistlan on Dec 27, 2007 at 11:08 am

    “Do I even need more Reba?”

    FWIW, I love Reba and Rush…

  • 38 Natureboy (Ken) on Dec 27, 2007 at 11:17 am

    I love the Beatles and Hey Jude is my favorite…..but can anyone tell me what the lyric “The movement you need is on your shoulder” means? In a Macca interview, he said Lennon told him that verse was the best part. You don’t think they were doing drugs, do you? HHHMM??

  • 39 "Digits" on Dec 27, 2007 at 11:20 am

    Reba must die!
    I will admit- the one bout the lights goin out in GA is tolerable.
    In small doses.
    Like once a year.

  • 40 Chris P. on Dec 27, 2007 at 11:42 am

    …or watching Anchorman (shudder)

  • 41 Tim on Dec 27, 2007 at 11:48 am

    I already used my vote for Gwen Stefani, as seen above, but I’m also going to boldly identify myself as one of the few remaining people who does not like listening to John Mayer.

    He’s a world-class guitarist, but I can’t listen to the guy sing. He sounds like he’s either been shot with a dart filled with elephant tranquilizer, or has been struck across the shin by a police baton. Maybe both.

  • 42 V on Dec 27, 2007 at 1:09 pm

    Mike Nelson, be careful, you don’t know what you’re doing by asking people to name the songs the hate. As Queen Bee said Dave Berry wrote a whole book on the subject “Dave Berry’s Book of Bad Songs” simply because he asked this question and no one would leave him alone from the point forward. Because when someone hates a song they REALLY FREAKIN’ HATE THAT SONG!
    Like to this day I hate Celine Dion and anyone else responsible for My Heart Will Go On. And I hate my dance teacher for making me dance to it.
    But my hatred for that song pales when compaired to my deep seething hatred for “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack. This song deeply offends on every level. This song has been forced upon me by many people who think it’s “sooooo sweet”. To them I have only this to say:
    I hope you Die! I hope you DIE AND ROT IN HELL!!!!

  • 43 Chris P. on Dec 27, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    Of course, the schmaltzy lyrics can’t help very much, right?

  • 44 Onil on Dec 27, 2007 at 2:47 pm

    Jesus, Take the Wheel = Jesus Christ, Son of God, who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, who was crucified under Pilate, was buried and on the third day rose again, THE Jesus, not John Turturro, please turn off this song, k thnx.

  • 45 Onil on Dec 27, 2007 at 2:51 pm

    I support your KISS bashing and would like to add the entire KISS catalog.

    And please if any of you hear any KISS fans use the word “KISStory”, kick them squarely in the nads.

  • 46 Arthurpod on Dec 27, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    Marty Robbins’ “El Paso City”. The song is not just a sequel, it is the fourth installment! Granted, it’s the cheese-eating ‘reincarnation’ aspect that makes me lothe it, rather than one specific lyric or the singer himself.

    Also, Bobby Goldsboro is a sick, perverted man.

  • 47 Natureboy on Dec 27, 2007 at 3:02 pm

    digits, let your mind be clear of your hatred of Reba…..The Night the Lights went out in Georgia was done by Vicki Lawrence (that woman from the Carol Burnett show), unless there is a Reba remake I am not aware of.

  • 48 Nerf on Dec 27, 2007 at 5:01 pm

    Bad to the Bone, Born to be Wild, and Old Time Rock & Roll.

  • 49 Queen Bee on Dec 27, 2007 at 5:11 pm

    Yeah, I’d have to slap “Fancy” right on my list. Boy, do I love songs about women turning their daughters into hookers. That just lifts my day right up to heaven.

    Also, the lyrics mention a cockroach, so you know it’s got to be good.

  • 50 Raistlan on Dec 27, 2007 at 5:57 pm

    And my all-time favourite Reba song…? Guess.

  • 51 Neb on Dec 28, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    Yes, Dave Barry wrote THE book on bad songs. Called, oddly enough, “Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs”.

    It makes me laugh out loud every time, PLUS it annoys my husband when I read from it! Bonus! He actually likes some of those songs.

    PS That “I hope you Dance” thing? The few times I’ve heard it, usually when sitting immobile, helpless, as an artist’s model (they always seem to pick some top-40 radio station), and that song comes on…my brain automatically substitutes “I hope you die.” Perhaps I need therapy.

  • 52 Adam on Dec 28, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    My girlfriend’s 15 year-old stepsister said this several weeks ago during a family game during which Mark Twain was mentioned:

    “Isn’t he married to Shania Twain?”

    Also, I’ll go on record as well as saying that any given Gwen Stefani song is the worst song in the world. That may not make sense, but it doesn’t stop it from being true, either.

  • 53 Sherry on Dec 29, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    This is a real title of a country song…..”I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like your here.”

  • 54 Chris P. on Dec 29, 2007 at 3:43 pm

    I’ll go out on a limb here and say that all of the songs that you mentioned suffer mostly from overexposure rather than from sheer awfulness (…and, with respect, I’d add “Bad Company” by Bad Company to the list). George Thorogood (…and his Destroyers), Steppenwolf, Bod Seger, and Bad Company have all released some really good stuff, but all are generally identified with one tune that’s been driven like a two-penny nail into the two by four of our collective consciousness.

  • 55 Matt B. on Dec 30, 2007 at 11:22 am

    Simple Plan, Chris, not Simple Minds.

    Simple Plan is a Canadian bubblegum punk band from a couple of years back best known for the theme song to “What’s New Scooby Doo?” and for getting killed in the movie “Grindcore Massacre.”

  • 56 Chris P. on Dec 30, 2007 at 11:31 am

    Yeah, I realized my mistake shortly after I posted. Computers are dangerous tools and I really shouldn’t be let near one before my my morning coffee…

  • 57 katie on Dec 30, 2007 at 6:44 pm

    There are so, so very many to hate; especially now. But did anyone else out there share the intense, pulsating pain and roiling gutt caused by Third Eye Blind? More to the point, their audio turd “Semi-Charmed Life”.
    I just puked a little in my mouth.

  • 58 Jane on Jan 2, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
    Don’t remember who sang it.
    But it was an unmitigated horror.

  • 59 Brian O. on Jan 3, 2008 at 8:21 am

    I guess that’s why “Man! I Feel Like 99.999% of a Woman!” failed on the charts.

  • 60 Brian O. on Jan 3, 2008 at 8:22 am

    Ohyeah, and most anything by Phil Collins. I could never stand his music, the little shiny headed Peter Gabriel wannabe.

  • 61 Jim Stewart on Jan 11, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    Worst couplet ever from an otherwise solid pop song… “She was just 17 / If you know what I mean…” Um.. no John, I don’t follow you.

  • 62 Jim Stewart on Jan 11, 2008 at 11:32 pm

    I see your Kiss, and raise you The Scorpians, who once, in the most romantic of moods, told their lady love that they would “Give you all my size”. I get a little misty just thinking about it.

  • 63 Geena on Jan 19, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    Deep Blue Something. As one wag put it, “They weren’t deep, they weren’t blue and they weren’t something.”

  • 64 Geena on Jan 19, 2008 at 4:36 pm

    “Butterfly Kisses.” >shudder<

  • 65 Bre on May 17, 2009 at 8:36 am

    “Badonka Donk”—nuff said

  • 66 Bre on May 17, 2009 at 8:38 am

    “Badunka Donk”—nuff said.

  • 67 ::: on Nov 27, 2009 at 10:59 am

    haknca lindo!!!!!!!!y a ella la amo!!!