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I’m Worried About Mike.

January 3rd, 2008 by Kevin Murphy · 28 Comments

I’m concerned about our Master Riffer Michael J. Nelson. He’s been issuing a torrent of inter-office memos recently, and they seem to be getting more worrisome by the day. Well here, take a look at this example:

DATE: January 3, 2008
TO: All Rifftrax Employees
FROM: Master Riffer Michael J. “Mike” Nelson
RE: Simple Human Gratitude

I hope you’re all enjoying the waterless electric composting toilets that I bought for you as Christmas gifts and took pains to have express-delivered before the holiday. I wouldn’t know, as I haven’t heard back from any of you, and you all seem to be “really busy on Rifftrax.” Not a single one of you has installed your new composting toilet in your office or cubicle.

It was a very expensive gift, you know, not that I care about such things (they cost $1749.00 not including shipping). The good folks at Composting Toilet World helped me pick out just the right model to fit home or office (I’m enclosing a picture of the lovely model I’ve installed in my kitchen) and it will make work time more efficient, without all those trips to the bathroom every five minutes like I know some of you take.

It’s really about gratitude, isn’t it? Someone gives you something, shows you they care; the least you can do is say thanks, or show it off to friends or family, use it every now and then when I’m around. It’s just a gesture. I don’t expect flowers or five-pound bags of Sumatran coffee or a new Leatherman Tool (I’d prefer the “Wave” model in black oxide). Just pop in and say “Hey, Mike, that composting toilet is working out great, thanks!”

To that end I’m nailing the bathroom doors closed and I expect you all to have your composting toilets installed in your office or cubicle by start of business on Monday January 7. In advance, you’re welcome.

My Kitchen Toilet

Help us. Please help us.

Tags: Creepitometry · Mike · RiffTrax

28 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Edgewriter on Jan 3, 2008 at 11:33 am

    I can’t say I blame Mike. Someone gives you a way to reuse your own waste as fertilizer and you don’t even say thank you? What a slap in the face.

    To make it up to him, you should all pitch in and buy one of those devices like on Waterworld where he can pee into a canister and pure drinkable water comes out.

  • 2 Tim on Jan 3, 2008 at 11:49 am

    It is a bit disturbing, I’d have to say. I mean, just because Mike puts forth the effort of canning, preserving and cataloging his own waste in his kitchen doesn’t mean he should expect the same from the rest of you.

  • 3 Tim on Jan 3, 2008 at 11:50 am

    Oh, make no mistake. That wasn’t any purified water.

    It’s common knowledge that Costner loves to drink his own urine.

  • 4 Izzy on Jan 3, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    I do feel for you and Bill regarding said composting toilet, I have to say that Mike is not the “Master Riffer”. I gave it much thought yesterday and I do wish to inform him and you Kevin that he is to be now known as… (wait for it)…. RiffMaster General.

    Make a note of it, please and thank you.


  • 5 "Digits" on Jan 3, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    wow. all I got from my boss for christmas was mary kay lotion and body spray. red tea and fig scent.

  • 6 Kevin Murphy on Jan 3, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    Duly noted, thank you.


  • 7 Ninjew on Jan 3, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    I’m thinking that after this incident, Mike should no longer be considered “Master Riffer”, but made an honorary “Phi Beta Crappa”…

  • 8 Bill Corbett on Jan 3, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    (Kevin, here is the draft of my reply to Mike:)

    Dear Mike,

    I apologize. I’ve really been enjoying the delightful new toilet, and wrote you a long note to that effect while… utilizing it, recently. Alas, my newfound enthusiasm for composting (thanks to you, friend!) overtook me, and I couldn’t help but impulsively compost the letter itself, mingling it with my own… product. And believe you me, right now I am struggling…STRUGGLING…not to throw this note in as well, since I GET THE WHOLE COMPOSTING THING NOW, finallly, it’s pure MAGIC to know that…. can;t reississsssssssssttttsdthbe;r7jb[7h

  • 9 Rufus T. on Jan 3, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    I do believe that Bill Corbett has the vapors.

  • 10 Ninjew on Jan 3, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    I think it’s more like he’s succumbed to his *own* vapors…

  • 11 Mike Nelson on Jan 3, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    All I ask – ALL I ASK – is that you consider the efficiency of your top-of-the-line toilets and their relatively low accumulation of solids compared with 1st and 2nd generation toilets.

    But I guess you’re too busy basking in the bright hope of the new year to think about your solids.

    Fine, guys. At least I know where I stand.

  • 12 Ninjew on Jan 3, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    Actually Mike, they know where you SIT…

  • 13 Brian O. on Jan 3, 2008 at 2:38 pm

    Well, you could always chuck the turkeys you riffs on into the toilets, that’ll get the process started rather quickly.

  • 14 Izzy on Jan 3, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    LOL @ Phi Beta Crappa

    BTW, What does the W stand for in KWM?

  • 15 Jason Martian aka Riff Martian on Jan 3, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    HEY! I never got one!

    I work damn hard to make him look good… well, look alright… OK OK, I make him look silly and sometimes put him in awkward positions… but at least I’m helping to sell his RiffTrax to the world!
    I deserve a waterless electric composting toilet!

    Mike’s a cheap bastard! (Hrumph)

  • 16 Gripweed on Jan 3, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    I read that and I detected something that goes along the lines of “I got you a gift and you don’t use it! Just for that, I’m nailing the bathroom doors shut!” Kevin’s right to worry about you , because it looks like SOMEONE needs to get off his high horse.

  • 17 Botchinator on Jan 3, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    Serves ya right for not fully appreciating the green revolution that mike so thoughtfully helped you break into. It’s not everyday someone gives ya a loaf processor. If they don’t appreciate them, you can give me one mike, and in return i’ll send you a thank you worthy of any grandma.

  • 18 Sampo on Jan 3, 2008 at 5:54 pm

    And, um, I guess the basket of prune muffins I sent to the office isn’t, um, helping matters … is it?

  • 19 Natureboy on Jan 3, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    Mike must have had a major sale from Count Dookie!

  • 20 Dave-o on Jan 3, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    well, gentlemen, perhaps we should all re-evaluate. Come to common terms. I mean Kevin, even when grandma gave you those packs of knee high tube socks and fire engine red breifs, or the orthopedic shoes your mom ’suggested’. you still said “thanks grandma”. Sure your mom prodded you until you cried, but alas, sometimes thanks is just polite. Also in Mikes defense,what do you get the rifftracker who has everything?
    Mike, its understood that your love of the environment and all things green is of high importance, but, isnt christmas something of a chance to reconnect and show that person how well you know them so you get them that perfect gift? You know just that personal touch…like showing up to work in a risque’ christmas outfit! Yikes!

  • 21 erichw5 on Jan 3, 2008 at 10:54 pm

    sadly that is an all too often tale during holiday gift giving

  • 22 Mr. Slick on Jan 4, 2008 at 12:43 am

    Man isn’t work crappy enough, even sometimes at Rifftrax, and now Mike is rubbing your noses in it?
    Mike honey lay down, take a nap.

  • 23 DestyNova on Jan 4, 2008 at 10:40 am

    I believe it stands for “Wagner,” if I my copy of A Year At the Movies doesn’t lie.

  • 24 Brian O. on Jan 4, 2008 at 11:22 am

    Yeah, get one with a cupholder!

  • 25 Brian O. on Jan 4, 2008 at 9:18 pm

    Yeah, that damnned horse keeps bogarting my doobage.

  • 26 Geena on Jan 19, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    He doesn’t love it; he “loves” it. Unfortunately, Kevin Costner gleaned his definition of the word “ironic” from that Alanis Morrisette song…

  • 27 Sideswipe on Jan 31, 2008 at 11:57 am

    I can totally understand where Mike is coming from. Those Leatherman Waves are great. My father has one.

  • 28 davehop on Feb 9, 2009 at 9:37 am

    Jeesh, now I know why Rifftrax HQ smells that way….I thought you guys just had a bunch of cats and we lax on changing the litter.