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I’m Worried About Mike.

January 3rd, 2008 by · 28 Comments

I’m concerned about our Master Riffer Michael J. Nelson. He’s been issuing a torrent of inter-office memos recently, and they seem to be getting more worrisome by the day. Well here, take a look at this example:

DATE: January 3, 2008
TO: All Rifftrax Employees
FROM: Master Riffer Michael J. “Mike” Nelson
RE: Simple Human Gratitude

I hope you’re all enjoying the waterless electric composting toilets that I bought for you as Christmas gifts and took pains to have express-delivered before the holiday. I wouldn’t know, as I haven’t heard back from any of you, and you all seem to be “really busy on Rifftrax.” Not a single one of you has installed your new composting toilet in your office or cubicle.

It was a very expensive gift, you know, not that I care about such things (they cost $1749.00 not including shipping). The good folks at Composting Toilet World helped me pick out just the right model to fit home or office (I’m enclosing a picture of the lovely model I’ve installed in my kitchen) and it will make work time more efficient, without all those trips to the bathroom every five minutes like I know some of you take.

It’s really about gratitude, isn’t it? Someone gives you something, shows you they care; the least you can do is say thanks, or show it off to friends or family, use it every now and then when I’m around. It’s just a gesture. I don’t expect flowers or five-pound bags of Sumatran coffee or a new Leatherman Tool (I’d prefer the “Wave” model in black oxide). Just pop in and say “Hey, Mike, that composting toilet is working out great, thanks!”

To that end I’m nailing the bathroom doors closed and I expect you all to have your composting toilets installed in your office or cubicle by start of business on Monday January 7. In advance, you’re welcome.

My Kitchen Toilet

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Tags: Creepitometry · Mike · RiffTrax