Tom can help.
All it takes is intensity, a fist pump or two, a dash of laughter-out-of-nowhere, and then — well, I’ll let Tom tell you:
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When you’re a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you’re the only one who can really help. We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind…. We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures. Now is the time. Being a Scientologist. People are turning to you. If you are a Scientologist, you see things the way they are, in all their glory, in all their complexity… It’s rough and tumble. It’s wild and woolly. It’s a blast. It really is. It is fun. Because damn it, there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight, and suddenly you see — boom! — things are better. I want to know that I’ve done everything I can do, every day… I do what I can. And I do it the way I do everything.
Check out Tom’s video! And pretty soon those lousy body thetans will pester you no more! Unsightly Xenu stains will be a thing of the past!
He is the way to happiness.
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Try this link for video enlightenment if the Gawker one above isn’t working for you. And hurry — a state of Operating Thetan ain’t gonna achieve itself, people!
31 responses so far ↓
1 Natureboy (Ken) on Jan 15, 2008 at 11:15 am
Scientology are evidently experts on on getting men to stop being gay as well *cough, Cruise / Travolta cough*
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2 Edgewriter on Jan 15, 2008 at 11:18 am
Man. And people think Mormons are weird . . .
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Reply from "Digits" on January 15, 2008:
Well, they are, speaking as one who WAS one for 22 years… Thank god that part of my life is over with.
3 A.M.P. on Jan 15, 2008 at 11:22 am
I thought the way to happiness involved large amounts of pizza, buffalo wings, beer, and a decent hockey game. Shows you what little I know! Although I gotta say, I’ve had drunken uncles speak more coherently about their religion than Mr. Cruise has here.
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4 Edgewriter on Jan 15, 2008 at 11:36 am
I wonder if he goes to his MindHead meetings with Eddie Murphy. “Keept it together, keep it together, keep it together!”
I also wonder if his higher ups ever pull him aside and say,
“Please stop helping. Let us do the proselyting, Mkay?”
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Reply from “Sticks” on January 15, 2008:
Don’t show it to the Laker girls, Kitt.
5 Edgewriter on Jan 15, 2008 at 11:38 am
Oh, and the Infamous moment where Tom Cruise Kills Oprah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4jo6KkFfIc
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Reply from Chris Fronczak on January 15, 2008:
hey, that sounds like Star Wars 3
6 Tim on Jan 15, 2008 at 11:52 am
Now you’ve gone and done it, Bill. You are aware that a Scientology kill-truck has been dispatched to your location, right?
Tom’s gonna be all over you like you’re Oprah’s couch.
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Reply from Casey on January 15, 2008:
yes! and be aware… that you have ticked off the ONLY people that could really save you…. the ONLY people that could help.
7 "Digits" on Jan 15, 2008 at 12:01 pm
The only thing I need to be happy in this world is champagne. LOTS of it. And sex. Lots of that too.
I don’t need no stinking Scientology.
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8 LemSlaw on Jan 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Does Sturgeon’s law apply to Scientology?
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Reply from Chris P. on January 15, 2008:
Speaking for myself, I don’t think I have the energy to find out which 10% isn’t crap. Dianetics provides no help because it’s mostly (…92 to 97%, give or take) crap of the first order.
Now that I think of it, that 8 to 3% margin of non-crappiness comes into play when I use their literature to heat my home or to prop open the basement door.
9 Kevin Murphy on Jan 15, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Corbett! What kind of crap-lousy game are you playing here?!
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Reply from Bill Corbett on January 15, 2008:
(giggling girlishly:)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha stupid hyyuumans!
10 Chris P. on Jan 15, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Sigh. Folks, I’m afraid only “Bob” can save us now…
http://www.subgenius.com/index.htm
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Reply from Hank Peters on January 15, 2008:
Beware the Pink Boys!
11 Eddie Colton on Jan 15, 2008 at 2:53 pm
As a Religiontologist, I find this highly offensive!
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12 "Digits" on Jan 15, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Forget Scientology! Worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
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13 Chris Fronczak on Jan 15, 2008 at 3:45 pm
“Being a Scientologist. People are turning (to) you.”
that’s an interesting way to spell on.
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14 Rob III on Jan 15, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Thanks goodness Tom Cruise isn’t part of a religion I like, or else I’d feel bad.
(Note ambiguous sarcasm.)
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15 SarahCanuck on Jan 15, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Wow. Huh. I didn’t know that volume of crazy could fit in such a small person.
Though it is reassuring that there are people nuttier than the ones I know.
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16 Neb on Jan 15, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Didn’t Mr. Cruise get the memo about Scientology being a money-making scheme/fabricated pseudo-science religion/cult? Poor sap. Everybody knows MindHead is where it’s at.
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17 Botchinator on Jan 15, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Ah yes, the Tom is still going crazy. How long before this guy kills himself or someone else? I’ve got 10 bux on him doing one of the 2 in 5 years time.
I don’t know when he got into the whole deal nor do i care, but he used to be a good actor. Now he’s just a couch jumping loon with a hot wife.
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Reply from MSTJedi on January 16, 2008:
Speaking of guys with hot wives, I just heard that Will Smith has joined the herd, too. Man, what is it with action heroes and this hokey crap?
18 SarahCanuck on Jan 15, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Y’know what, to be totally honest, as a Christian it’s so refreshing to have another religion produce a nutjob.
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Reply from MSTJedi on January 16, 2008:
I am with you 100% on this, Sarah. But you gotta admit that Islam is also giving Christianity a run for the money these days. At least televangelists don’t strap explosives to their chests . . . they just suck widows and poor people dry. Nice and clean that way, ya know.
19 Cliff on Jan 15, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Wow. Really, just wow. I always assumed they got all the Hollywood types by playing to their egos, but WOW…
I’ve never seen ANYBODY so fixated on the idea that just being part of a religion makes you an expert on everything…. and my father-in-law is a Promise Keeper.
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20 Gary on Jan 16, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I love it when reality and Jonathan Coulton collide:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbNtYdxB64A
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21 Internet's Rob on Jan 23, 2008 at 2:49 am
Jeeze, this reminds me. I have to insert another quarter into my anti-theton device soon.
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22 Pedro on Jan 23, 2008 at 11:00 am
What Tom Cruise is saying is absolutely right, I can tell since I am a Body Thetan, I used to live on Tom Cruise’s dick and I was expelled from his body when he got to OT III. Now I am looking for a suitable host to take me.
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