Prolific, highly respected American author John Updike wants you to know the pride he feels in a recent caca.
So great was his feeling of accomplishment that he followed up his first act of creation with a second:
-
“The Beautiful Bowel Movement”
by John Updike
Though most of them aren’t much to write about—
mere squibs and nubs, like half-smoked pale cigars,
the tint and stink recalling Tuesday’s meal,
the texture loose and soon dissolved—this one,
struck off in solitude one afternoon
(that prairie stretch before the late light fails)
with no distinct sensation, sweet or pained,
of special inspiration or release,
was yet a masterpiece: a flawless coil,
unbroken, in the bowl, as if a potter
who worked in this most frail, least grateful clay
had set himself to shape a topaz vase.
O spiral perfection, not seashell nor
stardust, how can I keep you? With this poem.
Congratulations, Mr. Updike. I’m sure it was as lovely and transcendent as you say.
*
*
(Thanks to Harpers magazine — specifically writer Wyatt Mason — for enlightening me re: Mr. Updike’s ode to his doodie.)
22 responses so far ↓
1 torgosPizza on Jan 21, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Bill, I think that was the best usage of the word “caca” that I’ve ever read. Thank you, sir.
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2 The Dave on Jan 21, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Sounds like something Robert Burns would write. Like “To a Louse”
“Ye ugly, creepin, blastit wonner,
Detested, shunn’d by saunt an sinner,
How daur ye set your fit upon her–
Sae fine a lady!
Gae somewhere else and seek your dinner
On some poor body”
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3 Rufus T. on Jan 21, 2008 at 9:09 pm
That sounds like something that Coily would write. “No springs!” (whistle)
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4 Roper on Jan 21, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Easily one of the best sonnets ever written, on a sheet of Quilted Northern.
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5 Natureboy on Jan 21, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Wow, and I though The Rabbit at Rest was the best streaming pile he unleashed on the world. Always inproving his craft…..Congrats to you Mr. Updike
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6 Mike Nelson on Jan 21, 2008 at 9:32 pm
To paraquote Max Reger: “I am sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your sonnet before me. In a moment it will be behind me.”
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Reply from Ninjew on January 22, 2008:
Mike, why the hell should you care about his poop?
Unless he’s not using the Composting Toilet you sent him!
7 Tim on Jan 22, 2008 at 12:48 am
Finally, after all these years, actual proof of my long-held contention: John Updike’s writing is full of crap.
The most vile, repulsive thing ever written, slightly edging out the scripts for each episode of the sitcom Cavemen.
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8 BoB3K on Jan 22, 2008 at 7:36 am
I love Google Ads. Thanks Bill for writing this caca-related article, so that Google Ads could help me find out about this:
Poopsenders-mail poop
the ultimate gag gift-sweet revenge mail cow, gorilla, or elephant poop
www.poopsenders.com
Google Ads. They really work!
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Reply from Bill Corbett on January 22, 2008:
Hi-larious. Below are the Google ads that just came up for me. (Finally, somewhere I can get a Pooping Moose!)
Buy Villages Book
Buy John Updike’s book. Free fast shipping! Low prices.
www.amazon.com
Effective Dog Odor Remedy
Natural Odor Free for dog urine, gas, body, poop, bad breath odor.
www.DogsOdorFree.com
It’s the Pooping Moose
Pooping Moose Candy Dispenser Pooping Moose in Mooseville
www.mooseville.com
Green Poop
Find Information About Baby Poop & Digestive Problems Babies Face
www.Parents.com
Dr. Poolittle Minnesota
Your Dog Waste Removal Service, We Will Cure Your Dog Waste Headache!
drpoolittle.com
Mr. Updike must be proud to share adspace with “Green Poop” websites.
Reply from Adam on January 22, 2008:
You know, until now I wasn’t quite sure whether or not it was the pooping moose. I’m glad to finally have that clarified: It IS the pooping moose.
Much obliged, Bill.
Reply from Fran in the Pan on January 22, 2008:
No kidding, my husband got the pooping moose for Christmas (from his mother - not his adoring wife). I’d be happy to re-gift it to you, Bill. Have a birthday coming up?
9 Fran in the Pan on Jan 22, 2008 at 8:05 am
I would love to do a Freudian reading of that poem. Some of us never get past the anal stage I guess..
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Reply from Adam on January 22, 2008:
Sometimes a poop is just a poop.
10 Captain Hygiene on Jan 22, 2008 at 10:54 am
Pfft, Updike is just trying to regain his past glories. IMO he’ll never surpass his glorious “Now that was a fart!” sonnet (1957). It’s a bit sad to see him going downhill so fast.
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11 NotMerrittStone on Jan 22, 2008 at 11:28 am
You guys are all just jealous because Updike craps prettier than you.
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Reply from Bill Corbett on January 22, 2008:
** Sob! **
You’re right. It’s true!
Reply from Ninjew on January 22, 2008:
Of course, all poop looks prettier when using the Composting Toilet that Mike uses!
12 Botchinator on Jan 22, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I wonder if he has ever experienced the chocolate shotgun. That’ll change his life. My friend, he, he has never been the same.
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13 Edgewriter on Jan 22, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Orson Scott Card wants to help you wipe your poop.
http://www.hatrack.com/osc/reviews/everything/2005-08-07.shtml
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14 Brian O. on Jan 23, 2008 at 5:21 am
Everyone must poop with pride!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FIqP8vA6l50
(the furry aspect only adds to the creepy factor)
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Reply from Brian O. on January 23, 2008:
This one’s even worse: http://youtube.com/watch?v=QFVoLz88hiU
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