Like any group of entertainers, like any business, we here at Rifftrax might disappoint you at times. It’s just acknowledging reality to admit that.
But please, when you feel frustrated, cheated, or angry at us, please — I implore you, please — don’t send us cow heads.
Even though it seemed the perfect gift …
Pa. man gets probation for mailing bloody cow’s head to wife’s lover
NORRISTOWN, Pa. - A western Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow’s head to his wife’s lover has been sentenced to probation and community service.
Jason Michael Fife “understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow’s head to anybody,” said his defense lawyer, Henry Hilles.
[…SNIP…]
The victim received a package containing a cow’s head with a puncture wound in its skull on June 1, 2006.
Police said Fife obtained the cow’s head from a butcher shop, claiming he wanted the dried skull for decoration. Instead, he mailed the head frozen, so as not to alert parcel carriers to the contents, police said. The box became bloody after sitting on the victim’s doorstep on a warm day.
We have this blog on Rifftrax.com; there’s also a very active forum with plenty of intelligent, opinionated people. And Lord knows there are lots of other places to post messages of frustration, disappointment, and rage on the internets, too (OK, Mom?!). What else is the interwebby there for, if not for anonymous expressions of growling, existential anger?
And if online denouncements don’t quell your passion, then I beg you to sue me, Mike, or Kevin personally, for everything we’re worth. (Really, we’d appreciate the input. No worries, go right ahead! We want you to.)
But please don’t send us cow heads. We really wouldn’t know what to do with one. More creative people might — for instance, Mario Batali would probably see one on his doorstep, smile, then immediately start shaving a bunch of white truffles to whip up a delicious Umbrian stew.
We, on the other hand, will just stare at it for a few seconds in horror, then that horror will quickly turn to boredom… so then we’ll be obligated to put a funny beer-drinking hat on it. Then the poor janitor* at Rifftrax will have to throw it out after a few weeks.
So, to review:
1) Anonymous internet insults and threats = A FINE, CLASSICAL, EVEN NOBLE WAY TO EXPRESS ALL YOUR FLOATING RAGE / FRUSTRATION. HAVE AT IT.
2) Suing Bill, Mike, and Kevin for every last dime we have = PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE WAY TO REGISTER YOUR RAGE / FRUSTRATION AT A POOR RIFFING JOB, A SUB-PAR BLOG POST, OR BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE OUR *$%#@*&# FACES. GO FOR IT, AND GODSPEED.
3) Sending bloody cow heads = PLEASE DON’T.
I appreciate your time. Thanks in advance for not sending us cow heads.
(*Kevin)
30 responses so far ↓
1 GregMcduck on Jan 24, 2008 at 8:42 pm
What about emu heads? Where does that fit in your grand scheme?
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Reply from Bill Corbett on January 24, 2008:
The sending of emu heads is strongly encouraged.
2 “Sticks” on Jan 24, 2008 at 9:12 pm
If you don’t like my dinner suggestion, then cook your own damn meal!
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3 Mr. Slick on Jan 24, 2008 at 9:31 pm
How about the head of John the Baptist? I hear it’s a popular gift!
(Golden platter not included)
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Reply from Chris P. on January 24, 2008:
While we’re on the subject, how about the head of Alfredo Garcia? Whould you like that delivered?
Reply from Mr. Slick on January 24, 2008:
How about that robot’s head from Gumby’s “Robot Rumpus”?
Reply from Krunchy on January 25, 2008:
Very well. I’ll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a… steak sandwich.
4 Chris P. on Jan 24, 2008 at 9:37 pm
In anticipation for the day that anger must be vented (…or revenge must be exacted) I’ve purchased a few hundred white rabbits and the special edition copy of El Topo.
If this is deemed an unacceptable method of expressing dissatisfaction under the aforementioned guidelines detailed above, I would like to be informed as soon as possible.
I have kept all receipts.
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5 Tim on Jan 24, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Wow. Bill, I really wish you had posted this last night, before I made that trip to the post office this morning.
Honestly…I really wish you had. I apologize in advance.
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Reply from Bill Corbett on January 24, 2008:
Understood.
I’ll try to make a decorative centerpiece out of it, or something.
Reply from Tim on January 24, 2008:
Sue Kevin for every last penny he has?!
What am I gonna do with $37.50?
Reply from Kevin Murphy on January 25, 2008:
You might be able to buy a small cow head.
6 Mr. Slick on Jan 24, 2008 at 10:53 pm
How about the head of the president of the Sci-fi network? Hmmm?
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7 Jamie on Jan 25, 2008 at 12:57 am
Bill, I promise I won’t send you a severed cow head, but I have one small request in exchange: Can you please give me a nickname (I missed out on the fun before)?
Your pal,
Jamie
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Reply from Bill Corbett on January 25, 2008:
You are
CLAMBAKE.
Reply from Darth Chimay on January 25, 2008:
Momma’s little baby loves clambake, clambake, Momma’s little baby loves clambake too.
Reply from Jamie on January 26, 2008:
That’s uncanny, Clambake is my favorite Elvis movie!
Thanks Bill, ‘you da man’.
8 Natureboy (Ken) on Jan 25, 2008 at 3:13 am
HA! I not only sent you Elsie’s head in a box, but I sent it postage due as well….Take that!
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9 Teaser on Jan 25, 2008 at 3:54 am
I live near Norristown,there’s bloody cow heads everywhere,But when you want to send one through the mail…..Oh yeah,that’s when the shit hits the fan
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10 Rufus T. on Jan 25, 2008 at 6:22 am
I sent Mike the head of a yak. Do you think he’ll like it?
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Reply from Bill Corbett on January 25, 2008:
“I sent Mike the head of a yak. Do you think he’ll like it?”
Delicious! Yes, he’ll be thrilled.
Reply from Natureboy (Ken) on January 26, 2008:
As long as it is not sculptures clay, I think you will be fine.
11 Onil on Jan 25, 2008 at 6:59 am
Are we allowed to send you dead flowers?
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Reply from Alicia on January 28, 2008:
How about teeth? Is that option still available?
12 Walter on Jan 25, 2008 at 10:13 am
I use FedEx for shipping my heads, UPS is to slow.
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13 Edgewriter on Jan 25, 2008 at 10:51 am
What if we just send you the Longhorns so that you can mount it to the front of your car Texas style? Would that be OK?
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14 Shawn on Jan 25, 2008 at 2:20 pm
The thing is, this is not the most disturbing act that happens in Pennsylvania. As a Boston native, you can’t imagine the horror of stumbling upon my first Mummer’s Parade. Also, don’t get me started on scrapple.
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15 Beautiful Mind on Jan 26, 2008 at 6:32 pm
I think I will send severed chocolate bunny heads… or worse yet I’ll send assorted chocolates but I’ll open em up and pinch em all to see what’s in the center.
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