By far the most entertaining five pages of a a legal PDF that you will read all week. The dry, legal-ese of the text makes this saga of four college kids who decide to steal some rare books worth millions from their school library all the more entertaining. I suggest reading it without spoiling any surprises, but if you need convincing:
Some of my favorite parts:
- The accused attended TRANSYLVANIA UNIVERSITY. Good ol Tran U, located smack in the heart of…Kentucky.
- The scheme was carried out “after months of idle discussion.” Anyone who has ever lived in a college apartment where “Idle Discussion” was the main pastime can picture the exact room where the plan was masterminded, down to the amount of empty pizza boxes that litter the floor.
- Two of the four participants were responsible for “generally financing the operation.” Don’t get ahead of yourself, these are not the Dons of the Tran U campus. It evidently means they “made hotel accommodations in New York and purchased snacks for the trip.”
- The description of the costumes worn on the first aborted robbery attempt speaks for itself: “They arrived at the library dressed as “old men” – makeup, wigs, hats, and costumes, such as “one would typically see worn in a play or some other type of theatrical performance” – but aborted the plan at the last minute. The exact reason for aborting is unclear; they may have seen a flaw in the plan or simply panicked, though it was suggested that a student, unaware of the impending robbery, recognized one of them and asked what they were doing in those ridiculous costumes. The costumes were sufficiently ridiculous that two library employees, including Susan Brown, the Director of the Library, noticed them, but merely assumed some sort of college prank or goof. “
- When they finally went thru with the plan, evidently the financiers were too busy purchasing Combos for the road trip to purchase any real sort of weaponry, and they were forced instead to zap the librarian “in the arm with a pen-type stun gun, which caused a tingling sensation and left a small bruise, but did not cause any significant pain or lasting harm.“
You know what, I don’t feel like I can do it justice. Just download the PDF and read the first five pages for yourself, (what they find in the book-hiding space is a nice twist about halfway thru.) Do it before the movie comes out! Thanks to my Juno-hating friend Derek for the story.
EDIT: Vanity Fair evidently covered the saga in the December issue, but I don’t know if you can find it online for free.
16 responses so far ↓
1 jazzmodeus on Feb 5, 2008 at 1:17 pm
“the defendants produced an expert to testify that the stun pen used in this robbery — advertised as the “Black Cobra 150,000 Volt Stun Gun Pen” — is actually capable of producing no more than 8,000 volts (it is powered by two AAA batteries), and is therefore incapable of causing serious injury, unless it is, perhaps, poked directly into someone’s eye.”
Brilliant.
2 BoB3K on Feb 5, 2008 at 1:28 pm
“Once the robbers had escaped, the police were called, but before the police could document the
crime scene, some librarians collected the discarded objects and returned them to their proper places.”
3 LemSlaw on Feb 5, 2008 at 1:29 pm
It reads almost like a Maurice Leblanc novel.
4 Ninjew on Feb 5, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Or a Matt LeBlanc novel
5 Conor Lastowka on Feb 5, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Nice.
6 Yanni on Feb 5, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I’d love to see a horde of librarians chasing some guys dressed as old men across campus.
7 MSTJedi on Feb 5, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Just as long as they don’t get Dane Cook to star as the mastermind of the caper, I think it’d make a great movie. On the USA network. Premiering at 2am.
8 wurwolf on Feb 5, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Good lord, the Special Collections Librarian’s name is Mrs. Gooch? She sounds like she came straight from a Don Knotts movie. Evidently, these things do write themselves, people.
By the way, there is also a Transylvania county in western North Carolina.
9 remedies on Feb 5, 2008 at 4:32 pm
tran u ≠ tranny u. the entrance exams are totally different.
10 Neb on Feb 5, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Of course they were growing marijuana. I find this whole thing proof that weed does in fact impair your brain function. What a car full of clowns.
11 Hannah on Feb 5, 2008 at 10:26 pm
My favorite part was that one of the four criminal masterminds had to stay at Tran U after the robbery to take an exam. I wonder what his grade was?
12 Kleenex on Feb 6, 2008 at 12:41 am
Best legal document ever! Thanks Conor! Did this come from thesmokingun.com by any chance?
13 QuackersnCheese on Feb 6, 2008 at 5:24 am
Yes or better yet as a new episode of Monk.
14 QuackersnCheese on Feb 6, 2008 at 5:26 am
No no see I knew this would happen, Tranny or Tran U. shouldn’t be confused with the above mentioned tran u. as Tran U. is nearly five blocks south of tran u.
15 Conor Lastowka on Feb 6, 2008 at 8:52 am
I have no idea. My friend said he found it on a legal blog, which evidently exist.
16 SarahCanuck on Feb 6, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Dude! Transylvania university!!!!!! Now I can pull out my vampire costume from Halloween, use my really bad fake accent, go to university, and inform people with all honesty that I am from Transylvania! WOOO!
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