Mike, in a recent post you expressed bafflement over the phenomenon of this anime-cute girl of indeterminate age, who posted a YouTube of herself staring into the camera and got thirty-seven billion hits.
What can I say? I’m a fossil like you. I don’t understand the kids these days and their herbal shampoos, snap bracelets and so-called “Pack – Man.” But just to put our troubled olds mind at ease, I found something that might be more in the wheelhouse of our steadily-waning comprehension. Here’s another YouTube post by a relatively young person, and it just plain makes more sense.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s not enjoyable or enlightening in the least — in fact, it has a painful side. But Mike, it’s a pain that addled farts like us can at least understand. Here…
Let’s compare 1) the video you posted with 2) this one:
PROTAGONIST
1) An odd, otherworldly, saucer-eyed, apparently Japanese (?) kewpie doll who might be anywhere from 11 to 25.
vs.
2) Some American dude in his 20s. Not a bad fella, really. Everyone’s gone to high school / college / worked at a Steak ‘n Shake with a guy like this.
+++
DURATION
1) Cartoon Nipponese girl: under thirty seconds. So short that you ask yourself afterwards, “”Did that really happen?”
vs.
2) Everyday U.S.A. dude: Just shy of five minutes. So long and rambling — and with one tech interruption — that not only do you believe it’s happening all too well, it easily recreates the feeling of being trapped with a crashing bore who simply won’t finish his / her pointless story. Not fun at all, but certainly familiar. And therefore comforting to old codgers like us, who are terrified of change.
+++
MESSAGE
1) Utter silence from cartoon girl, accompanied by a protracted stare from eyes that take up 40% of the screen. What’s going on?!?!?!
vs.
2) A well-meaning young American dude just babbling self-consciously, as young American dudes are prone to do. (That’s not to say that we ancient American dudes don’t babble either, but it’s not self-consciously. We’ve longed since caring what we say, who listens, and even if we’re making sense, which we’re usually not. Aye, it’s the gout. Very distracting.)
Our host talks about benign-if-boring subjects like a job he had planting trees… and somewhat less appealingly, he talks in great detail of his urge to poop, which comes on like an 7.8 earthquake when it comes. He blames tree planting for his violent bowels. What’s the connection, you wonder? Well, you’ll just have to watch and enjoy! (HINT! It’s utterly pointless.)
+++
And finally, I address a touchy subject. Like some of our commentors here on the Rifftrax Blog, I suspect that there’s something at least a tad unhealthy about the fascination with our silent AnimeBabyWomanChildRobot. And it has to do with… teh sex. I’m guessing — nay, I’m guaranteeing, just based on people I’ve met* — that some old creeps** are hoping this girl will eventually take off her top in this YouTube, or future YouTubeses.
Well, our tree-planting, thunder-colon-ed young American dude breaks that unhealthy tension right off the bat: he doesn’t have a shirt on from the get-go. So if you’re hoping he’s gonna take off his shirt in this YouTube, well brother, you’re*** gonna be sorely disappointed. It’s not pretty, but again, it’s familiar — a self-conscious young American dude who thinks that he might look better with his shirt off, but blows his cover by talking about it too much. Hell, we’ve all been that guy. (Right, Conor? I mean, do you even OWN a shirt?)
+++
I hope this helps, Mike. I really do.
So let’s do ourselves and everyone else in the YouTuberverse a favor, and get the tree-planting, mighty-pooping young American guy’s hits somewhere above thirty-seven billion.Starting… now. Go!
(* Kevin)(** Kevin)(*** Kevin)
**UPDATE FROM MIKE****Bill, a sagacious post. I don’t disagree with a single thing. All I can add is this: every so often, we all need to see an image of former Bengal’s wide receiver Chris Collinsworth.
If I’m not very much wrong, this picture of former Bengal’s wide receiver Chris Collinsworth should work wonders for your hairless, shirtless American orator’s page views…
25 responses so far ↓
1 Courtney on Feb 6, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Is that Moby? I think it’s Moby. And I’d make some comment about how he’s doing the Rockefeller Skank, but I’m pretty sure that song’s not by Moby, it’s by the other one.
I didn’t like weird girl staring. I don’t like weird guy talking. This is all making me many different kinds of uncomfortable. I think everyone needs to put on several more shirts. This includes Chris Hansen-bait Asian girl person Mike posted, this guy, myself, and you Bill. More shirts! More I say!
2 Botchinator on Feb 6, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Didn’t know mundane activities like these 2 videos in question gripped people in such a way comparable only to that of the superbowl or solitaire, whichever is higher rated, i can’t decide.
It’s just sad that some chick who says nothing gets all that attention. Maybe that’s how intriguing it is when she shuts up. Maybe we should all be thankful that she doesn’t talk or we’d be dealing with another Chris Crocker or something.
3 Inspector Dim on Feb 6, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I still think it looked like that girl was ready to yuke all over herself.
4 Mr. Slick on Feb 6, 2008 at 10:41 pm
What? The femmy Britney guy not available?
5 Kleenex on Feb 6, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I love the idea of Mike, Kevin and Bill posting similar videos on YouTube. Not shirtless, rambling videos. Keep your shirts on please, guys. Just videos of them staring at the camera vacantly for thirty seconds then flashing the peace sign. It’s Rifftrax viral marketing at its finest! Think about it, won’t you?
6 NotMerrittStone on Feb 6, 2008 at 11:20 pm
It’s videos like these that keep me thankful that I live here in this futuristic age.
7 Kleenex on Feb 7, 2008 at 12:48 am
I think I figured out the anime chick. It’s that new ’staring fetish’ craze that’s sweeping the globe. Japanese businessmen pay hansomely for videos of that stuff.
8 Kleenex on Feb 7, 2008 at 1:08 am
Just found proof of my above statement. Okay, the guy isn’t Japanese but tell me this isn’t completely off the creepy charts.
http://www.youtube.com/profile_video_blog?sid=00FD45948C59005A&id=0CF7B8AA423771D4
9 Beautiful Mind on Feb 7, 2008 at 3:34 am
I have noted a certain scatalogical bent to a few posts around here. The poop poem, poop coffee, and now this poop video. Perhaps a doodie related site belongs on the blog roll? Try googling up one of those without giving yourself nightmares!
10 Onil on Feb 7, 2008 at 3:51 am
Some observations:
- I like his SpiderMan bedspread.
- ‘Sup, J-Root. Double Douche, you know who you are. Flim Flam, ChimChim, represent!
- If you read this, your grandma will die. Unless you forward this video to ten people.
-Shouldn’t he be training Iraqis so they can start standing up and we can start stepping down already?
11 Onil on Feb 7, 2008 at 3:53 am
I get more of a Michael Stipe vibe from him.
12 Bill Corbett on Feb 7, 2008 at 6:17 am
“This includes Chris Hansen-bait Asian girl person Mike posted, this guy, myself, and you Bill.”
Fear not, Courtney. I’m wearing a minimum of nine shirts at any given moment. Minimum.
13 Courtney on Feb 7, 2008 at 10:23 am
Well, no joke, I am at this very moment wearing three shirts. And it’s a light day. I have been known to wear upwards of fourteen.
14 Mephisto the Great on Feb 7, 2008 at 10:57 am
I had never seen this creepy anime girl before, and I am grateful. I genuinely thought she was going to scream or, at the very least, split her head open to reveal a flaming skull.
I think it’s because she reminds me of the ghost girl from The Grudge. Or maybe it’s because she refuses to take her top off. Who knows?
15 Walter on Feb 7, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Does anyone really expect to see a topless girl on YouTube?
16 Bill Corbett on Feb 7, 2008 at 12:32 pm
* Kevin
17 Fortis on Feb 7, 2008 at 12:45 pm
So the shirtless guy with unpredictable bowel movements said that the story was “not about the poop.” But…I fail to see a hidden moral other than the obvious, don’t go tree planting unless you have complete control over your bowels.
This man is a living breathing cautionary tale to us all…
18 R.A. Roth on Feb 7, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I stopped 37 seconds in, for parity sake, and was pleased at how quickly the time passed. His endless verbal pauses and self-conscious off camera stares were far less creepy than the Japanese girl’s chronic case of ocular gigantism and bowing her lip over her teeth like a bemused lemur. However, his shirtlessness and Aryan nation shaved-head worry me to no end.
Randy
19 Mephisto the Great on Feb 7, 2008 at 6:19 pm
At last count, at least three million male youth under fifteen years old. And that’s just in the U.S. alone.
20 ldt on Feb 8, 2008 at 12:04 am
WHAT is with the youth of today and their unfinished beards? There’s the Osama Bin Lincoln, the Chinese Chin-strap, the stripper-muff patch, and now this… The Ginger Fizzle. Are there websited dedicated to these beards? Recently I saw a guy about 20 who looked like Jeff Lynn from ELO. Where will it end?
21 Tim on Feb 8, 2008 at 4:25 am
Mike, is there anywhere we CAN’T see Chris Collinsworth these days? He’s officially on every football studio show now. I think he can bi-locate.
22 Booster2point0 on Feb 8, 2008 at 11:22 pm
She’s an old fad on Youtube.
This is what’s new now:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HmKTrIHQyCI
23 ShutterBun on Feb 10, 2008 at 5:06 am
Thanks to you Bill, “Thunder-coloned” is now among a very exclusive group of words that has caused me to laugh out lout while reading a website. (is there an abbreviation for that sort of phenomenon? I’m too old to know.)
24 Flint Ironstag on Feb 10, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I watched the one with the bald dude all the way through… I think I was secretly hoping he’d take off his skin.
25 kelli on Feb 11, 2008 at 2:32 pm
You guys could even flick us off if you wanted to-seriously! I would have no complaints about that one!!
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