The RiffTrax Blog header image 1

Most Awsome State Quarter – Swayze Regional Round 2

February 8th, 2008 by Conor Lastowka · 19 Comments

The Swayze Regional continues! Follow the insanity at State Quarter HQ!

Swayze Regional Round 1

Indiana vs CA winner

The Brickyard meets the great outdoors in this round two matchup. Indiana boasts about the Indy 500. You are probably thinking, “The Indy 500? The crown jewel of a niche sport which has recently been completely regulated to minor league status by Nascar?” But hold on a second, because I have thoroughly researched the matter and it turns out that a long time ago, Indy Car racing actually used to be something that people did indeed care about! I know, go figure! The “Crossroads of America” claim doesn’t necessarily have a positive connotation, nor is it verifiable. The fact that Utah’s quarter is currently billing itself as “Crossroads of the West” means that an unintentionally hilarious “Ohio vs North Carolina” style feud on our hands, but in actuality it is more like “Ohio vs Ohio” wherein both states lose.

Winner – California, aka the “Destination in ‘Crossroads’”, towers over the Indy car

MA winner vs South Dakota

In a completely unexpected maneuver, South Dakota sticks Mt. Rushmore on their quarter. Yes, Mt. Rushmore, the majestic monument to the 4th inning President Races at Washington Nationals games, (Go Teddy!), finally gets some much needed recognition. Unfortunately, the wheat and pheasant lobbies weasel in representation for their own interests (wheat and pheasants, respectively) and the monument looks smooshed when it should be taking up the whole quarter. It appears to be a classic example of design by committee, and the quarter suffers for it. South Dakota glorifys four men, three of which never came anywhere near the Black Hills, whereas Massachusetts features the anonymous Minuteman, who could be a hero, could be a nobody or could be the great great great grandfather of the guy who made your girlfriend cry because she had the nerve to wear a Yankees hat to the movies that one time.

Winner: Massachusetts – If you have a gun, you are the committee

Colorado vs NH winner

Cue up “Mississippi Queen”, we’ve got a Mountain vs Mountain showdown! New Hampshire pits the Old Man of the Mountain Pile of Rubble against the majesty of America’s Mountains, The Rockies. At least, that’s what I assume is on the Colorado quarter. If it didn’t tell me these were in Colorado, I might assume that they were, I dunno, Blue Ridge Mountains, or Great Smokey mountains or even *gasp* The Canadian Rockies! Unless there is a tiny baseball team going on a magical playoff run and then hitting a brick wall of failure during the World Series somewhere in the corner, it doesn’t seem uniquely Colorado. And let’s talk about your state mottoes. “Live Free or Die” speaks for itself, a relic of an era where that decision had to be made and enforced every day. “Colorful Colorado” sounds like something that a third grade class petitioned the legislature to adopt as a motto. Hey third graders! Tack a threat onto your motto next time! Or die!

Winner: New Hampshire – A shocking victory for the former man of the mountain, but Colorado had too much time off with the first round bye, and couldn’t play at the lower altitude

NC winner vs Nebraska

With the entire country rallying behind them as the true Birthplace of Aviation, North Carolina seems like the team of destiny. But they didn’t count on Nebraska coming along and stirring up warm, nostalgic Apple II/GS memories. Yes, Nebraska’s state quarter is the only one to pander to the audience who grew up playing Oregon Trail on a classroom computer. The quarter scene is directly taken from one of the cut scenes in the game that you rapidly pressed the space bar to get past so you could go and hunt more animals. Bonus points because all that is missing from the cartoony sun is its two scoops of raisins. It’s distinct looking, as opposed to North Carolina’s by the numbers “early State Quarter” design. “North by Northwest” homage or not, it still isn’t very interesting to look at.

Winner: Nebraska – In an epic battle reminiscent of Villanova/Georgetown, Nebraska hits 15/16 of its second half shots to advance over a worthy foe from North Carolina

Swayze Regional Round 2

Tags: RiffTrax · bracketology · currency · state quarters

19 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Fortis on Feb 8, 2008 at 11:17 am

    ah oregon trail…”You have died of dysentery!”


  • 2 Michael on Feb 8, 2008 at 11:20 am

    As a native Californian I have to route for my state to make it through to the finals. But I have a feeling the Minuteman with Massachusetts will shoot down the California Condor before it can carpet bomb his head. Hopefully John Muir will then bust a can of whoopass on the MM and bury his bloody carcass at the bottom of Half Dome. Or better yet, climb to the top and throw his body down and say he slipped.

  • 3 Rob T Firefly on Feb 8, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    You have shot 947 lbs. of buffalo meat.

    Unfortunately, you could only drag 100 lbs back to the wagon.

    You wasteful extinction-baiting ass.

  • 4 Tork_110 on Feb 8, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    The President Races are great. Here’s a youtube video of Teddy on a zipline.

    The game I went to had the presidents stopping to play golf.

  • 5 Conor Lastowka on Feb 8, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    My complete set of President Race Bobbleheads is the first thing I would grab if my house was on fire.

  • 6 Livia on Feb 8, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    I love how before I even read your review of the Nebraska quarter I was like “OMG Chimney Rock! Oregon Trail was so awesome!” I knew if Nebraska hadn’t won, I dunno…I don’t think my fond childhood memories could have taken the blow.

    Great minds think alike I guess. :-P

    You made the right choice Conor. I’d tip my hat to you, if I were wearing one.

  • 7 SLP on Feb 8, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Unbelievabull! Nebraska over NC?!?! You must know that the Cornhuskers have lifted one of NC’s natural wonders to place on their quarter – Chimney Rock!!!
    And the Laura Ingalls’ “Little House” covered wagon? Laura never once visited Nebraska…Wisconsin, Kansas, Minnesota, & South Dakota – YES! But never Nebraska!
    Where’s your allegiance, Conor?

  • 8 Barry on Feb 8, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    I always like to name my family members in OT after people I know. That way, the next time I see them, I can put my arm around them comfortingly as I inform them that they died of snakebite on August 7, 1848.

  • 9 dignan on Feb 8, 2008 at 1:21 pm

    I was a big fan of The Mystery of Chimney Rock Choose Your Own Adventure book.

  • 10 edgewriter on Feb 8, 2008 at 1:39 pm

    Hey Conor, I was on youtube today and it’s kind of odd, but you look a lot like the cingular guy on those Alltel Commercials


    Alltel commercials

    Maybe it’s just me . . . .

  • 11 Dallas on Feb 8, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    Both of my roommates have recently become addicted to playing Oregon Trail online. I believe I have now died of dysentery/snakebite/starvation and possibly shingles.

  • 12 Jim on Feb 8, 2008 at 9:18 pm

    The second thing I’d save is my second set of President Race bobbleheads …

  • 13 QuackersnCheese on Feb 9, 2008 at 1:28 am

    Wow Indiana’s got an indy car emerging from a stargate that seem’’s off key. I personally would have went with the whole Indiana Jones theme, oh well. Moving right along we see Calafornia’s attempt at a Jurassic Park theme. Apparently John Muir is looking for Yosemite Sam oh the excitement that await’s him. Interresting how Massachusetts chose an army man theme and it looks like they melted one in the background. South Dakota tried their hands at a what if Jurassic Park creatures got loose in our state theme. Colorado is apparently trying to cover something up and make it look like a huge mountain …. hmmmm. New Hampshire’s take on theme’s brings me to believe they buried an old man in a mountain because he refused to live free. Shame on North Carolina boasting to have had the first flight when well all know birds did it first and before them teradactyles. Apparently Nebraska’s home burnt down long long ago in a tragic fire far far away so they moved on. Speaking of moving on I know most of these made no sense what-so-freaking-ever and for that I apologize. I can’t wait for the next batch just hope they are more inspired.

  • 14 Leigh Ann on Feb 9, 2008 at 2:23 pm

    Oregon Trail online? Where can you find so beautiful a thing?

  • 15 Garrett Burke on Feb 10, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    Greetings Kevin,

    MA vs. CA.
    America’s original first line of defense, a heroic, unnamed Minuteman courageously faces off against a credited Father Nature-figure whose ideas resonate powerfully in contemporary society.

    Stats: Boasting a marching army of 1,163,784,000 circulating coins, Massachusetts dominates in total mintage compared to California’s 520,400,000. However, within the numismatic milieu, scarcity=desirability. Still, advantage MA.

    Weaponry: Rifle vs. the power of an individual to affect positive change. Short-term, history gives the nod to MA. Long-term outcomes may vary.

    Iconography: State outline vs. glaciation-carved monolithic nirvana. Advantage CA, naturally.

    Massachusetts’s state quarter honors the brave, self-sacrificing Patriots to whom present-day America owes its very existence. California’s state quarter honors a visionary ahead of his time, selected by a Governor best know for portraying a machine ahead of its time returning to not its time to first destroy and then later to protect human existence for all time.

    Prediction: Flintlock fails to make a dent against futuristic endoskeleton. I smell another epic Giant-killer upset.

    - Garrett Burke, concept designer of the California State Quarter

  • 16 Veronica on Feb 10, 2008 at 7:58 pm

    See? See?! What did I say earlier, I said “Kids with Guns” – even the quarter designer said it!

    Woo hoo for MA!

  • 17 SUPER FAT BURNING on Apr 12, 2011 at 12:57 am


  • 18 東方 抱き枕 on Apr 12, 2011 at 12:57 am

    アニメ 抱き枕:
    東方 抱き枕:
    けいおん 抱き枕:
    魔法少女 抱き枕:

  • 19 アイオン RMT on Apr 12, 2011 at 12:58 am

    アイオン RMT:
    81Keys RMT:
    FF14 RMT:
    信長の野望 RMT: