Someone named Mary Jo Pehl.
…Dang, gave it away!
I guess that even in the midst of an emotional tornado, my excellent manners oblige me to refer to my fellow riffclowns by name.
Not so for you, Ms. Pehl. I’ll say only this about the Nameless Incident, then suffer in my characteristic martyr-like silence: my grandparents did NOT endure cramped steerage class across the Atlantic, eating just stale bread crusts and seaweed, only to land on Ellis Island and register with trembling hands as “Emile and Lorraine JOKEYPANTS.”
But no more about that. It’s time to reveal the real source of our feud, Mary Jo Pehl…
OUR SON.
In happier days: Bill Corbett and Mary Jo Pehl, with son Billy Jo Pehlbett.
Yes. Him. The boy. The kid. The sprout. The little bugger. Our little chromosomological experiment.
You’ve shaken off the dust of our small town — and the many, many layers of snow, ice, and yucky gray slush as well — to go hang around with a bunch of Hollywood types. And you’ve rejected me and Billy Jo Pehlbett because we don’t share your love of competitive fencing, instead preferring our hobby of eating salty snacks, washed down with Mr. PiBB.
There. It’s out in the open, finally. What a relief. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. (Oh, Billy Jo just took that huge ceramic bowl full of ranch-flavored Sun Chips off my chest, that’s why. Gotta go, the kid’s hogging them.)
But mark my words, Mary Jo…
Better yet, write something good — dramatic and vaguely threatening — pretend it’s from me, then mark those words. The little bugger’s really tucking into them now, and if I hang around writing he’s gonna finish them off.
Write them, I say! (Thanks in advance for helping out, MJ.) Write them, then mark them well! Mark them, I say!
49 responses so far ↓
1 Ranika on Feb 18, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Scandalous! …And I must change my surname to Pehlbett. That’s just awesome.
2 Chris on Feb 18, 2008 at 8:12 pm
She’s so gonna kick your ass, Brain Guy.
3 Roper on Feb 18, 2008 at 8:12 pm
According to E! True Hollywood Story, it was implied Paul Chaplin fathered Mary Jos’ lovechild.
4 Ninjew on Feb 18, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Don’t blame Mary Jo.
She only left you once she found out about your love affair with BACON!
5 BassBone on Feb 18, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Mmm, bacon.
6 Rob T Firefly on Feb 18, 2008 at 9:02 pm
He’s callin’ you out, Mary Jo! And he’ll prove it this Saturday night in the Civic Center Arena, live on Pay Per View!
7 Mr. Slick on Feb 18, 2008 at 10:07 pm
MOMMY! DADDY! STOP FIGHTING!!!
What happened to the Riff love?
8 Kleenex on Feb 18, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Heh, not to insult the fruit of anyone’s loins here but when I see that kid the first word that comes to mind is…
“Rowsdower?”
You’re sure he’s not Canadian?
9 Beautiful Mind on Feb 19, 2008 at 3:14 am
Were there reenactments? Cause if THS said it this could change everything!
10 Beautiful Mind on Feb 19, 2008 at 3:19 am
Wait Lorraine and Emile Jokeypants were MY grandparents… cousin Bill?
11 Tim on Feb 19, 2008 at 4:06 am
Forget Kevin Murphy’s attempts to declare that he looks nothing like Randy Bachman.
After seeing the photograph you posted in the above blog entry, Bill, you need to present some type of proof that you look nothing like Peter Frampton.
Let’s go. Out with it, Corbett. (Or should I say, “Frampton”?)
12 Tim on Feb 19, 2008 at 4:08 am
Forget Kevin Murphy’s attempts to declare that he looks nothing like Randy Bachman.
After seeing the photo you posted in this blog entry, Bill, you need to provide some type of evidence that you look nothing like Peter Frampton.
Let’s go. Out with it, Corbett. (Or should I say, “Frampton”?)
13 Roper on Feb 19, 2008 at 4:35 am
No reenactments, but there was mention of a tape.
14 Natureboy (Ken) on Feb 19, 2008 at 4:51 am
Bill will never admit he really is Peter Frampton, he has been trying to live down the shame of being in the movie Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band for the last 30 years.
15 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 5:44 am
Great-now I need bacon!!! Thanks alot!!
16 Bill Corbett on Feb 19, 2008 at 6:49 am
“She only left you once she found out about your love affair with BACON!”
A scurrilous rumor, sir.
We had an “open” relationship, though only as far as bacon was concerned. That is to say: WE WERE BOTH SEEING BACON.
Can you blame us?
17 TroyM on Feb 19, 2008 at 6:56 am
Just what do you mean by that mister?
18 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:01 am
No Bill-of course I can’t blame you! I think I “work it” w/ bacon more than anyone else on here! There-I admitted it!! My family is in denial but I can’t give up the bacon! And sometimes-I even have it for other meals! God-I feel so dirty!!
19 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:02 am
I have to get a cat just so I can name him Phelbett!
20 Courtney on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:16 am
I saw Mary Jo’s episode of “Snapped” on Oxygen, where she hired men to kill Bill so that she could get the insurance money. Then she moved to Guatamala with Perino, her houseboy, until the Feds finally caught up with her.
Billy now dances in the Broadway production of Wicked.
21 Ninjew on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:19 am
Do you deny Bill, that because of your callous behavior, Mary Jo was forced to satisfy her Bacon needs and wants elsewhere?
That when it came to fulfilling her Bacon desires, YOU sir, were a few strips short?
That due to YOUR inability to sate her never ending passion for Bacon, Mary Jo ended up getting her supply from illegal sources?
Do you deny that Mary Jo was involved in a porkstitution ring, where she was observed “buying flesh” from a Mr. Fred Ziffle?
Do you deny that soon thereafter she needed to support her habit with impure substitutes like “SPAM” and “SCRAPPLE”?
And do you deny that only last month, Mary Jo was seen in the red light “meat market” districts of Toronto, attempting to solicit the swine of the earth by asking “Baby got Back-Bacon, eh?”
Appalling.
It seems quite obvious to me that YOU are the one at fault, and should go crawling back to Mary Jo and ask for forgiveness.
Because, “All’s swill that end’s swill”.
22 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:23 am
Or all’s swine that ends swine!! HEE HEE!! I just made myself crack up-how pathedic!
23 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:24 am
Didn’t that come on right after that old sex chic??
24 SaucyRossy on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:47 am
Bill first great picture of the three of you. Nice to see what you looked like with hair.
Secondly, does TH Ron know about this love child ?
If i were you I would run like hell, because Ron is coming f or you. (think javier bardem in No Country for Old Men, except his weapon of choice is a fricking sword!)
25 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:56 am
Yeah-and that brother is taking fencing!! I’d run like hell too!!
26 MikeP on Feb 19, 2008 at 9:40 am
I used to play bass for “The Billy Jo Pehlbett Project”.
27 Courtney on Feb 19, 2008 at 9:44 am
I’m shocked Bill isn’t Stage-Parenting like mad to get Billy Jo in as the star of the sequel to Billy Jack. I hear the theme song will be performed by Aha!
28 Ranika on Feb 19, 2008 at 9:56 am
A vague aside. Mr PiBB. No punctuation, and capitalized that way. Though technically Mr PiBB is defunct, and replaced by ‘Pibb Xtra’ these days…
29 Mephisto the Great on Feb 19, 2008 at 10:15 am
Okay, so forgive my cluelessnessly use of the word cluelessness, but fill me in.
Are these guys just joking around or are there real issues between these two riffing camps? I can never tell if these are all friends having a friendly feud…or not.
I don’t know if I should laugh…or cry.
I don’t know if I should use an ellipsis…or a semi-colon.
30 Clint on Feb 19, 2008 at 10:20 am
I dunno. Sounds serious to me.
Poor Billy Jo Phelbett deserves an upbringing suitable to one of his esteemed lineage. Mr. Pibb and Sunchips is no way to live, man.
It’s no way to live.
31 Bill Corbett on Feb 19, 2008 at 10:28 am
Thanks, corrected. Vaguely.
32 Erik on Feb 19, 2008 at 11:00 am
Why can’t you use an ellipses followed BY a semicolon? I’d like to; shall we say … nevermind.
33 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 11:09 am
no one is stoping you! enjoy yourselves!
34 Onil on Feb 19, 2008 at 1:53 pm
/Love child, never meant to be./
/Love child, take a look at me./
Poor little CinTraxxian kid. He doesn’t belong in either world.
35 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Bill-
off topic: I am seeing you grace others w/ a fantastic nic-name and am feeling left out! Please-oh please honor me w/ a silly name I can call my very own!!
Shanks sir!! = )
36 Brian O. on Feb 19, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I can see it now: “Rifflander: The Can Be Only Pun!”
37 Brian O. on Feb 19, 2008 at 3:15 pm
CinTraxxian? Sounds like an alien species from Star Trek.
38 Brian O. on Feb 19, 2008 at 3:18 pm
One thing MJP’s got y’all beat on: She went to a furry con.
Kevin I could see going there, after all, he’s spent years in a monkey suit (and then he later dressed as Bobo- Zing!).
Or maybe Mike, he did dress as an atomically anatomically mutated turtle once.
39 Bill Corbett on Feb 19, 2008 at 5:17 pm
“One thing MJP’s got y’all beat on: She went to a furry con.”
Pish! My sexy man-meercat costume is always neatly folded in my overnight bag, ready to get to a con 24/7, on a moment’s notice! This is serious business, sir, and one has to be ready.
40 MSTJedi on Feb 19, 2008 at 6:27 pm
What, you can’t just borrow Kevin’s old Kitten with a Whip costume?
41 Brian O. on Feb 19, 2008 at 6:46 pm
You’ve gotta order a hot dog in the costume, such as the following:
http://blog.celebrityfoods.com/2008/02/19/worlds-top-10-hot-dogs-of-all-time/
I sense much mirthful madness to come.
42 Bill Corbett on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:32 pm
You are
SEISMIC
43 Beautiful Mind on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Wimpers quietly and nicknamelessly in the corner. Can I have one too please? I know this is an emotional time for you, the Sun Chips, and the boy but if you can spare the time.
44 Bill Corbett on Feb 19, 2008 at 8:06 pm
You are
HOUND’S TOOTH
45 Beautiful Hound's Tooth on Feb 19, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Thanks! It makes me almost wanna take your side in the epic MJ vs BC feud but she has sharp pointy objects.
46 Bill Corbett on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:40 am
N.B.
Can be written as “Houndstooth” to avoid the awkward apostrophe, if you so choose.
P.S.
You should totally take my side against MJ. If anyone’s gonna get run through, it’ll be me first. That gives you plenty of time for renouncing your loyalty, groveling, etc., before the sword-people come for you.
47 SEISMIC on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:40 am
Wow! Thanks brain guy!! = )
48 SEISMIC on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:23 am
I, upon looking up the definition of my nic-name found this:
Main Entry: seis·mic
Pronunciation: \ˈsīz-mik, ˈsīs-\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Greek seismos shock, earthquake, from seiein to shake; probably akin to Avestan thwaēshō fear
Date: 1858
1: of, subject to, or caused by an earthquake; also : of or relating to an earth vibration caused by something else (as an explosion or the impact of a meteorite)
2: of or relating to a vibration on a celestial body (as the moon) comparable to a seismic event on earth
3: having a strong or widespread impact : earthshaking
— seis·mi·cal·ly \-mi-k(ə-)lē\ adverb
are you trying to tell me something??
49 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:55 pm
“You should totally take my side against MJ. If anyone’s gonna get run through, it’ll be me first. That gives you plenty of time for renouncing your loyalty, groveling, etc., before the sword-people come for you.”
Yes, I shall be the France in this riff war to end all riff wars.
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