Someone named Mary Jo Pehl.
…Dang, gave it away!
I guess that even in the midst of an emotional tornado, my excellent manners oblige me to refer to my fellow riffclowns by name.
Not so for you, Ms. Pehl. I’ll say only this about the Nameless Incident, then suffer in my characteristic martyr-like silence: my grandparents did NOT endure cramped steerage class across the Atlantic, eating just stale bread crusts and seaweed, only to land on Ellis Island and register with trembling hands as “Emile and Lorraine JOKEYPANTS.”
But no more about that. It’s time to reveal the real source of our feud, Mary Jo Pehl…
OUR SON.
In happier days: Bill Corbett and Mary Jo Pehl, with son Billy Jo Pehlbett.
Yes. Him. The boy. The kid. The sprout. The little bugger. Our little chromosomological experiment.
You’ve shaken off the dust of our small town — and the many, many layers of snow, ice, and yucky gray slush as well — to go hang around with a bunch of Hollywood types. And you’ve rejected me and Billy Jo Pehlbett because we don’t share your love of competitive fencing, instead preferring our hobby of eating salty snacks, washed down with Mr. PiBB.
There. It’s out in the open, finally. What a relief. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. (Oh, Billy Jo just took that huge ceramic bowl full of ranch-flavored Sun Chips off my chest, that’s why. Gotta go, the kid’s hogging them.)
But mark my words, Mary Jo…
Better yet, write something good — dramatic and vaguely threatening — pretend it’s from me, then mark those words. The little bugger’s really tucking into them now, and if I hang around writing he’s gonna finish them off.
Write them, I say! (Thanks in advance for helping out, MJ.) Write them, then mark them well! Mark them, I say!
49 responses so far ↓
1 Ranika on Feb 18, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Scandalous! …And I must change my surname to Pehlbett. That’s just awesome.
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Reply from KELLI on February 19, 2008:
I have to get a cat just so I can name him Phelbett!
2 Chris on Feb 18, 2008 at 8:12 pm
She’s so gonna kick your ass, Brain Guy.
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3 Roper on Feb 18, 2008 at 8:12 pm
According to E! True Hollywood Story, it was implied Paul Chaplin fathered Mary Jos’ lovechild.
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Reply from Beautiful Mind on February 19, 2008:
Were there reenactments? Cause if THS said it this could change everything!
Reply from Roper on February 19, 2008:
No reenactments, but there was mention of a tape.
4 Ninjew on Feb 18, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Don’t blame Mary Jo.
She only left you once she found out about your love affair with BACON!
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Reply from BassBone on February 18, 2008:
Mmm, bacon.
Reply from KELLI on February 19, 2008:
Great-now I need bacon!!! Thanks alot!!
Reply from Bill Corbett on February 19, 2008:
“She only left you once she found out about your love affair with BACON!”
A scurrilous rumor, sir.
We had an “open” relationship, though only as far as bacon was concerned. That is to say: WE WERE BOTH SEEING BACON.
Can you blame us?
Reply from KELLI on February 19, 2008:
No Bill-of course I can’t blame you! I think I “work it” w/ bacon more than anyone else on here! There-I admitted it!! My family is in denial but I can’t give up the bacon! And sometimes-I even have it for other meals! God-I feel so dirty!!
Reply from Ninjew on February 19, 2008:
Do you deny Bill, that because of your callous behavior, Mary Jo was forced to satisfy her Bacon needs and wants elsewhere?
That when it came to fulfilling her Bacon desires, YOU sir, were a few strips short?
That due to YOUR inability to sate her never ending passion for Bacon, Mary Jo ended up getting her supply from illegal sources?
Do you deny that Mary Jo was involved in a porkstitution ring, where she was observed “buying flesh” from a Mr. Fred Ziffle?
Do you deny that soon thereafter she needed to support her habit with impure substitutes like “SPAM” and “SCRAPPLE”?
And do you deny that only last month, Mary Jo was seen in the red light “meat market” districts of Toronto, attempting to solicit the swine of the earth by asking “Baby got Back-Bacon, eh?”
Appalling.
It seems quite obvious to me that YOU are the one at fault, and should go crawling back to Mary Jo and ask for forgiveness.
Because, “All’s swill that end’s swill”.
Reply from KELLI on February 19, 2008:
Or all’s swine that ends swine!! HEE HEE!! I just made myself crack up-how pathedic!
5 Rob T Firefly on Feb 18, 2008 at 9:02 pm
He’s callin’ you out, Mary Jo! And he’ll prove it this Saturday night in the Civic Center Arena, live on Pay Per View!
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6 Mr. Slick on Feb 18, 2008 at 10:07 pm
MOMMY! DADDY! STOP FIGHTING!!!
What happened to the Riff love?
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7 Kleenex on Feb 18, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Heh, not to insult the fruit of anyone’s loins here but when I see that kid the first word that comes to mind is…
“Rowsdower?”
You’re sure he’s not Canadian?
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Reply from TroyM on February 19, 2008:
Just what do you mean by that mister?
8 Beautiful Mind on Feb 19, 2008 at 3:19 am
Wait Lorraine and Emile Jokeypants were MY grandparents… cousin Bill?
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9 Tim on Feb 19, 2008 at 4:06 am
Forget Kevin Murphy’s attempts to declare that he looks nothing like Randy Bachman.
After seeing the photograph you posted in the above blog entry, Bill, you need to present some type of proof that you look nothing like Peter Frampton.
Let’s go. Out with it, Corbett. (Or should I say, “Frampton”?)
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10 Tim on Feb 19, 2008 at 4:08 am
Forget Kevin Murphy’s attempts to declare that he looks nothing like Randy Bachman.
After seeing the photo you posted in this blog entry, Bill, you need to provide some type of evidence that you look nothing like Peter Frampton.
Let’s go. Out with it, Corbett. (Or should I say, “Frampton”?)
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Reply from Natureboy (Ken) on February 19, 2008:
Bill will never admit he really is Peter Frampton, he has been trying to live down the shame of being in the movie Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band for the last 30 years.
11 Courtney on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:16 am
I saw Mary Jo’s episode of “Snapped” on Oxygen, where she hired men to kill Bill so that she could get the insurance money. Then she moved to Guatamala with Perino, her houseboy, until the Feds finally caught up with her.
Billy now dances in the Broadway production of Wicked.
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Reply from KELLI on February 19, 2008:
Didn’t that come on right after that old sex chic??
12 SaucyRossy on Feb 19, 2008 at 7:47 am
Bill first great picture of the three of you. Nice to see what you looked like with hair.
Secondly, does TH Ron know about this love child ?
If i were you I would run like hell, because Ron is coming f or you. (think javier bardem in No Country for Old Men, except his weapon of choice is a fricking sword!)
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Reply from KELLI on February 19, 2008:
Yeah-and that brother is taking fencing!! I’d run like hell too!!
13 MikeP on Feb 19, 2008 at 9:40 am
I used to play bass for “The Billy Jo Pehlbett Project”.
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Reply from Courtney on February 19, 2008:
I’m shocked Bill isn’t Stage-Parenting like mad to get Billy Jo in as the star of the sequel to Billy Jack. I hear the theme song will be performed by Aha!
14 Ranika on Feb 19, 2008 at 9:56 am
A vague aside. Mr PiBB. No punctuation, and capitalized that way. Though technically Mr PiBB is defunct, and replaced by ‘Pibb Xtra’ these days…
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Reply from Bill Corbett on February 19, 2008:
Thanks, corrected. Vaguely.
15 Mephisto the Great on Feb 19, 2008 at 10:15 am
Okay, so forgive my cluelessnessly use of the word cluelessness, but fill me in.
Are these guys just joking around or are there real issues between these two riffing camps? I can never tell if these are all friends having a friendly feud…or not.
I don’t know if I should laugh…or cry.
I don’t know if I should use an ellipsis…or a semi-colon.
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Reply from Clint on February 19, 2008:
I dunno. Sounds serious to me.
Poor Billy Jo Phelbett deserves an upbringing suitable to one of his esteemed lineage. Mr. Pibb and Sunchips is no way to live, man.
It’s no way to live.
Reply from Erik on February 19, 2008:
Why can’t you use an ellipses followed BY a semicolon? I’d like to; shall we say … nevermind.
Reply from KELLI on February 19, 2008:
no one is stoping you! enjoy yourselves!
16 Onil on Feb 19, 2008 at 1:53 pm
/Love child, never meant to be./
/Love child, take a look at me./
Poor little CinTraxxian kid. He doesn’t belong in either world.
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Reply from Brian O. on February 19, 2008:
CinTraxxian? Sounds like an alien species from Star Trek.
17 KELLI on Feb 19, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Bill-
off topic: I am seeing you grace others w/ a fantastic nic-name and am feeling left out! Please-oh please honor me w/ a silly name I can call my very own!!
Shanks sir!! = )
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Reply from Bill Corbett on February 19, 2008:
You are
SEISMIC
Reply from Beautiful Mind on February 19, 2008:
Wimpers quietly and nicknamelessly in the corner. Can I have one too please? I know this is an emotional time for you, the Sun Chips, and the boy but if you can spare the time.
Reply from Bill Corbett on February 19, 2008:
You are
HOUND’S TOOTH
Reply from Beautiful Hound's Tooth on February 19, 2008:
Thanks! It makes me almost wanna take your side in the epic MJ vs BC feud but she has sharp pointy objects.
Reply from Bill Corbett on February 20, 2008:
N.B.
Can be written as “Houndstooth” to avoid the awkward apostrophe, if you so choose.
P.S.
You should totally take my side against MJ. If anyone’s gonna get run through, it’ll be me first. That gives you plenty of time for renouncing your loyalty, groveling, etc., before the sword-people come for you.
Reply from SEISMIC on February 20, 2008:
Wow! Thanks brain guy!! = )
Reply from SEISMIC on February 20, 2008:
I, upon looking up the definition of my nic-name found this:
Main Entry: seis·mic
Pronunciation: \ˈsīz-mik, ˈsīs-\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Greek seismos shock, earthquake, from seiein to shake; probably akin to Avestan thwaēshō fear
Date: 1858
1: of, subject to, or caused by an earthquake; also : of or relating to an earth vibration caused by something else (as an explosion or the impact of a meteorite)
2: of or relating to a vibration on a celestial body (as the moon) comparable to a seismic event on earth
3: having a strong or widespread impact : earthshaking
— seis·mi·cal·ly \-mi-k(ə-)lē\ adverb
are you trying to tell me something??
18 Brian O. on Feb 19, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I can see it now: “Rifflander: The Can Be Only Pun!”
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19 Brian O. on Feb 19, 2008 at 3:18 pm
One thing MJP’s got y’all beat on: She went to a furry con.
Kevin I could see going there, after all, he’s spent years in a monkey suit (and then he later dressed as Bobo- Zing!).
Or maybe Mike, he did dress as an atomically anatomically mutated turtle once.
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20 Bill Corbett on Feb 19, 2008 at 5:17 pm
“One thing MJP’s got y’all beat on: She went to a furry con.”
Pish! My sexy man-meercat costume is always neatly folded in my overnight bag, ready to get to a con 24/7, on a moment’s notice! This is serious business, sir, and one has to be ready.
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Reply from MSTJedi on February 19, 2008:
What, you can’t just borrow Kevin’s old Kitten with a Whip costume?
Reply from Brian O. on February 19, 2008:
You’ve gotta order a hot dog in the costume, such as the following:
http://blog.celebrityfoods.com/2008/02/19/worlds-top-10-hot-dogs-of-all-time/
I sense much mirthful madness to come.
21 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:55 pm
“You should totally take my side against MJ. If anyone’s gonna get run through, it’ll be me first. That gives you plenty of time for renouncing your loyalty, groveling, etc., before the sword-people come for you.”
Yes, I shall be the France in this riff war to end all riff wars.
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