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I… am… somebody!

February 20th, 2008 by Bill Corbett · 107 Comments

“I… am… Beowulf!”

Heh. You’ve heard me yelling that a lot lately, haven’t you? Guilty as charged! But it’s true, I am Beowulf, and I’m darned proud of being Beowulf.

    beowulf-1.jpg

    I’m so much more than this, really.

Since my recent blurted statements of self-identification have been so heavily focused on my Beowulf nature, though, I fear there’s a lot getting lost. It’s my fault, frankly — declaring my Beowulf-ness so often and so forcefully in public, on every possible occasion. Of course people think: “Huh. Bill’s Beowulf. But that’s really all there is to the guy.”

Not so! I’m a lot of other things, too! In addition to being Beowulf, I am:

    …Legend

    …Sam

    …Spartacus

    …Charlotte Simmons

    …What I Yam

    …(related to above:) Whatever You Say I Am

    …The Cheese

    …Woman

    …The Eggman (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday); The Walrus (Friday- Sun.)

    …the Lizard King

    …Joe’s heart, lung, liver, etc. (all of Joe’s major organs, really)

    …The Law

    …Marie of Romania

    …Music (and not to put too fine a point on it, but I write the songs)

    …Trying to break your heart

    …Who Am (a controversial claim, perhaps…but I hope to prove it soon, so Richard Dawkins will stop harrassing me.)

    …Spock

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+

However, I Am Not:

    …a crook

    …an animal

    …Spock [revised: see “I am” column, above]

+
+

Who are you? Who who, who who?

Other posts by Bill Corbett

Tags: RiffTrax

107 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    They call me Mr. Tibbs

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on February 21, 2008:

    They call me Mellow Yellow too

    Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on February 21, 2008:

    This just in…

    I’m a picker, I’m a grinner
    I’m a lover and I’m a sinner

    Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on February 21, 2008:

    In other news…

    I’m a joker, I’m a smoker
    I’m a midnight toker

    as well apparently which explains a lot

  • 2 The Professor on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    I am MOMRAH!

    [Reply to this]

  • 3 Dan Noutko-Kennedy on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    I am thinking therefore I amming

    [Reply to this]

  • 4 Adam on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    I AM IRON MAN.

    [Reply to this]

  • 5 Inspector Dim on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    Just call me little Cindy Loo-Who. Now when are you going to return my Christmas Tree?

    [Reply to this]

  • 6 Onil on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    I am the great and powerful Oz.

    Also sometimes, I’m-A want you.

    [Reply to this]

  • 7 Dave-o on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:25 pm

    I am…from the ministry of silly walks, sorry im late but my walk has become quite silly lately…

    [Reply to this]

  • 8 Solonor on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    I am the Walrus.

    [Reply to this]

  • 9 Dave-o on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    oh, and almost forgot… I AM MAD AS HELL AND IM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

    [Reply to this]

  • 10 MikeP on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    I am the voice of the 1972 Montreal Expos.

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Chris on February 20, 2008:

    Really?

    Reply from MikeP on February 20, 2008:

    No, not really. I can’t back that up.

    It was ‘74, actually.

  • 11 Sampo on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    I am not a number! I am a free man!

    (or priced very reasonably, at any rate)

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from ChrisP on February 20, 2008:

    Be seeing you!

  • 12 Yanni on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    I’m Brian and so is my wife!

    [Reply to this]

  • 13 ChrisP on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    I am The Night, especially after 6 p.m. or so. You see, I’ve never been much of a morning person and I find it hard to get motivated…

    [Reply to this]

  • 14 Minnesota on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    … so high right now

    [Reply to this]

  • 15 Roper on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    I Am Curious (Yellow)

    [Reply to this]

  • 16 mrbasehart on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    I’m not the messiah, I’m a very naughty boy!

    [Reply to this]

  • 17 Mr. Slick on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    I AM THAT I AM!

    [Reply to this]

  • 18 Mr. Slick on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    I am ALSO standing behind you with a large butcher knife!

    [Reply to this]

  • 19 Hugh on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    I Am Spock is one of my favorite books ever. I just want you to know that, Bill. Even now, it stares back at me from across the desk.

    [Reply to this]

  • 20 Meredith on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    I’m forty percent dolomite.

    [Reply to this]

  • 21 Johnny B on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    I am the intruder.

    [Reply to this]

  • 22 Dr. Jane Seymour Medicine Quinn on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    I am the wind beneath your wings.

    [Reply to this]

  • 23 wakachiwaka on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:49 pm

    I’m a little teapot, short and stout.

    [Reply to this]

  • 24 killeroo on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    I AM KIROK!

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Bill Corbett on February 21, 2008:

    Ooh, an obvious miss on my part.

    100 points deducted from me. I’ll never win the Rifftrax House Cup this year…

  • 25 NotMerrittStone on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    I’m the keeper of the cheese and you are the lemon merchant, you get it? And he knows it. That’s why he’s gonna kill us. So we got to beat it, ya, before he let’s loose the marmosets on us.

    [Reply to this]

  • 26 Neb on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    I am quite put out!

    [Reply to this]

  • 27 BabyGia on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    I AM Metaluna!

    [Reply to this]

  • 28 Chris on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    I………..AM………..your father.

    (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

    [Reply to this]

  • 29 Onil on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    For a limited time only, I am become Death, the shatterer of worlds.

    And as a bonus, now we are all sons of bitches.

    [Reply to this]

  • 30 Jef on Feb 20, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    I am mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!!!

    Contrarily, I am chillin out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool.

    [Reply to this]

  • 31 Barry on Feb 20, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    What am I, a doctor, or a moon shuttle conductor?

    [Reply to this]

  • 32 ShutterBun on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:26 am

    What I am is what I am, is what you are, or what?

    [Reply to this]

  • 33 Josh P on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:46 am

    I’m The Dude…. or His Dudeness or The Duder or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MF58II9OKNQ
    (Trust me this is both relevant and hilarious)

    [Reply to this]

  • 34 SarahCanuck on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:31 am

    I am a goldfish.
    Blub.
    I. AM. CANADIAN.

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from gammer on February 21, 2008:

    I. AM. CANADIAN…too

  • 35 Tim on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:35 am

    I am begging for a spot on the Rifftrax writing staff.

    I am NOT sending severed cow heads to the writing staff as bribes.

    [Reply to this]

  • 36 mathey on Feb 21, 2008 at 2:09 am

    I am tapdancing my way into America’s heart!

    [Reply to this]

  • 37 Derek on Feb 21, 2008 at 5:05 am

    I AM SPARTA! Did I do that wrong?

    [Reply to this]

  • 38 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 5:25 am

    I’m so dizzy my head is spinning!

    [Reply to this]

  • 39 Yanni on Feb 21, 2008 at 5:34 am

    I am the terror that flaps in the night!

    [Reply to this]

  • 40 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:08 am

    I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV

    [Reply to this]

  • 41 Rob T Firefly on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:32 am

    I am Henry the Eighth, I am.

    [Reply to this]

  • 42 SaucyRossy on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:37 am

    I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.

    P.S. top that people.

    Also Corbett I just wanted to let you know, sword fight, fake lightsaber fight, ninja weapon fight, medieval weapons, jackie chan style, straight up fists, mutant powers, spider powers, chuck norris style, kick boxing, boxing, karate, kung fu, bruce lee style, insects, torture devices, spy vs spy style, or probably Mike’s favorite Three stooges style, i will fight you any way you want Corbett. I ain’t scared.

    [Reply to this]

  • 43 Rufus T. on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:40 am

    I…am….hungry!

    [Reply to this]

  • 44 Roper on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:42 am

    I am, I said
    To no one there
    And no one heard at all
    Not even the chair

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Bill Corbett on February 21, 2008:

    Neil Diamond’s chair just pretends he can’t hear him.

  • 45 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:46 am

    I am me, and that HAS to be good enough!!

    [Reply to this]

  • 46 Botchinator on Feb 21, 2008 at 7:02 am

    I am the way.

    [Reply to this]

  • 47 Lord-z on Feb 21, 2008 at 7:08 am

    I am the ghost who walks.

    [Reply to this]

  • 48 Solonor on Feb 21, 2008 at 7:16 am

    I’m a loser, baby. So, why don’t you kill me?

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from SEISMIC on February 21, 2008:

    Good one!!!

  • 49 Mike Nelson on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:00 am

    [Sees your face] NOW, I’m a believer!

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from SEISMIC on February 21, 2008:

    Hey Hey,…I’m a monkey!!

  • 50 isai on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:13 am

    Boy. Where to start?

    I am many things but most of all I am nothing.

    1. I’m a loser And I lost someone who’s near to me I’m a loser And I’m not what I appear to be.

    2.I am Him who is called I AM

    3.Enrico Palazzo

    4….Too old for this shit.

    [Reply to this]

  • 51 Courtney on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:24 am

    I’m Kilroy. Kilroy. Kilroy.

    I am Gorgo and Mormo of the thousand face moon.

    I am not a pretty girl. (speak for yourself, Ani DiFranco.)

    And in the immortal words of Britney Spears, I don’t know who you think I am, bitch, but I AM NOT THAT PERSON. *eats a fistful of cheetohs*

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Onil on February 21, 2008:

    Speaking of Ani: Sorry I am.

  • 52 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:36 am

    I’m gonna be a producer,.of the next big broadway flop!!

    [Reply to this]

  • 53 Casey on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:50 am

    I am the very model of a modern major general.

    [Reply to this]

  • 54 Jacobi on Feb 21, 2008 at 9:12 am

    I am here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.

    [Reply to this]

  • 55 Brian O. on Feb 21, 2008 at 9:19 am

    I am Spartacus!

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from isai on February 21, 2008:

    So am I!

    Me too!!

    Im Spartacus!

  • 56 Ranika on Feb 21, 2008 at 9:31 am

    I am hungry. For tater skins.

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from SEISMIC on February 21, 2008:

    oh yeah-those sound good!!

  • 57 Pak-Man on Feb 21, 2008 at 11:08 am

    THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR GENERAL!

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Chris on February 21, 2008:

    Excellent work, Pak-Man.

  • 58 Matt B on Feb 21, 2008 at 11:14 am

    I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the meter on the cab of justice!

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from isai on February 21, 2008:

    SPOOOOOOOOONN!!!!

    Reply from DestyNova on February 22, 2008:

    Different show, isai…:D

  • 59 dignan on Feb 21, 2008 at 11:17 am

    I am John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Casey on February 21, 2008:

    that’s my name too!

    Reply from isai on February 21, 2008:

    Mr Dabolina. Mr. Bob Dabolina

  • 60 "Digits" on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    I am ME and thats finally enough.

    [Reply to this]

  • 61 Jeff on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    The Goddamn Batman.

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Geena on February 23, 2008:

    AWSM.

  • 62 Rob T Firefly on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Gumby, dammit.

    [Reply to this]

  • 63 Rob T Firefly on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    In addition:

    I’m Breathless
    I’m just a cook
    I’m as free as a bird, now
    I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Onil on February 21, 2008:

    Yeah, but I bet you have like a million rivals, right?

  • 64 Yanni on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    I’m a doctor, Jim, not a bricklayer.

    [Reply to this]

  • 65 gammer on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    screw you guys, I AM going home!

    [Reply to this]

  • 66 G-Force on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    I am the pressman!

    …Batman

    …the intruder (I know its been done, but hey, its Peter Gabriel)

    [Reply to this]

  • 67 Chris on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    I can’t believe these weren’t on here yet:

    I am Jack’s colon….I get cancer, I kill Jack.

    I am Jack’s smirking revenge.

    I am Jack’s cold sweat.

    I am Jack’s raging bile duct.

    I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

    I am Jack’s wasted life.

    I am Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection.

    I am Jack’s broken heart.

    [Reply to this]

    Reply from Josh P on February 21, 2008:

    Check out my link, Chris. It’s there.

  • 68 Brian O. on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    I’m a Pepper, He’s a Pepper, She’s a Pepper, We’re all Peppers, Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?

    [Reply to this]

  • 69 GMaupin on Feb 22, 2008 at 6:17 am

    I AM Spetfood.

    [Reply to this]

  • 70 Johnny B on Feb 22, 2008 at 7:52 am

    I am a lineman for the county.

    [Reply to this]

  • 71 G-Force on Feb 22, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    “I’m a dude

    He’s a dude

    She’s a dude

    Cause were all dudes

    Hey”

    This moment of bowel jiggling poetry comes from the master of words of Kel.

    [Reply to this]

  • 72 Kzinistzerg on Feb 22, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    I can’t believe, that on a Rifftrax website primarily composed of MST3K fans, that no one has used “I’m the wind, baby.”

    Servo spits bubblegum at you, pathetic wretches.

    [Reply to this]

  • 73 bob the hog on Feb 22, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    bic pentameter

    [Reply to this]

  • 74 GregMcduck on Feb 23, 2008 at 1:46 am

    I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!

    [Reply to this]

  • 75 KT on Feb 23, 2008 at 2:48 am

    I am a meat popsicle.

    [Reply to this]

  • 76 Geena on Feb 23, 2008 at 3:14 pm

    Bill said:

    “I’m a lot of other things, too! In addition to being Beowulf, I am:

    …Whatever You Say I Am”

    Well, if you weren’t, why would you say you am?

    [Reply to this]

  • 77 Cibernetico 2 on Feb 23, 2008 at 9:12 pm

    the NRA

    [Reply to this]

  • 78 Minnesota on Feb 24, 2008 at 2:12 am

    the highway.

    [Reply to this]

  • 79 REM, bitches on Feb 24, 2008 at 7:03 am

    I am I am I am superman

    [Reply to this]

  • 80 JF Krispy K on Feb 24, 2008 at 7:07 am

    Ich bin ein Berliner

    [Reply to this]

  • 81 Rico Ratso Rizzo on Feb 24, 2008 at 7:10 am

    I’m walkin’ here.

    [Reply to this]

  • 82 David Frickin Mamet on Feb 24, 2008 at 7:16 am

    I made $970,000 dollars last year - how much you make? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing.

    [Reply to this]

  • 83 Karaoke Island, Fr. Guiana on Feb 24, 2008 at 6:41 pm

    “I am,” I said
    To no one there
    And no one heard at all
    Not even the chair

    [Reply to this]

  • 84 scott on Feb 25, 2008 at 7:26 am

    Kevin, this one’s for you:

    Ich bin der himmel
    Ich bin das wasser
    […]
    Und du bist mein Sofa

    [Reply to this]

  • 85 jonnyfrag on Apr 15, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    There are those that call me….Tim

    [Reply to this]

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