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I… am… somebody!

February 20th, 2008 by Bill Corbett · 107 Comments

“I… am… Beowulf!”

Heh. You’ve heard me yelling that a lot lately, haven’t you? Guilty as charged! But it’s true, I am Beowulf, and I’m darned proud of being Beowulf.

    beowulf-1.jpg

    I’m so much more than this, really.

Since my recent blurted statements of self-identification have been so heavily focused on my Beowulf nature, though, I fear there’s a lot getting lost. It’s my fault, frankly — declaring my Beowulf-ness so often and so forcefully in public, on every possible occasion. Of course people think: “Huh. Bill’s Beowulf. But that’s really all there is to the guy.”

Not so! I’m a lot of other things, too! In addition to being Beowulf, I am:

    …Legend

    …Sam

    …Spartacus

    …Charlotte Simmons

    …What I Yam

    …(related to above:) Whatever You Say I Am

    …The Cheese

    …Woman

    …The Eggman (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday); The Walrus (Friday- Sun.)

    …the Lizard King

    …Joe’s heart, lung, liver, etc. (all of Joe’s major organs, really)

    …The Law

    …Marie of Romania

    …Music (and not to put too fine a point on it, but I write the songs)

    …Trying to break your heart

    …Who Am (a controversial claim, perhaps…but I hope to prove it soon, so Richard Dawkins will stop harrassing me.)

    …Spock

+
+

However, I Am Not:

    …a crook

    …an animal

    …Spock [revised: see "I am" column, above]

+
+

Who are you? Who who, who who?

Tags: RiffTrax

107 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    They call me Mr. Tibbs

  • 2 The Professor on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    I am MOMRAH!

  • 3 Dan Noutko-Kennedy on Feb 20, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    I am thinking therefore I amming

  • 4 Adam on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    I AM IRON MAN.

  • 5 Inspector Dim on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    Just call me little Cindy Loo-Who. Now when are you going to return my Christmas Tree?

  • 6 Onil on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    I am the great and powerful Oz.

    Also sometimes, I’m-A want you.

  • 7 Dave-o on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:25 pm

    I am…from the ministry of silly walks, sorry im late but my walk has become quite silly lately…

  • 8 Solonor on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    I am the Walrus.

  • 9 Dave-o on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    oh, and almost forgot… I AM MAD AS HELL AND IM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

  • 10 MikeP on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    I am the voice of the 1972 Montreal Expos.

  • 11 Sampo on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    I am not a number! I am a free man!

    (or priced very reasonably, at any rate)

  • 12 Yanni on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    I’m Brian and so is my wife!

  • 13 ChrisP on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    I am The Night, especially after 6 p.m. or so. You see, I’ve never been much of a morning person and I find it hard to get motivated…

  • 14 ChrisP on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:43 pm

    Be seeing you!

  • 15 Minnesota on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    … so high right now

  • 16 Roper on Feb 20, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    I Am Curious (Yellow)

  • 17 mrbasehart on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    I’m not the messiah, I’m a very naughty boy!

  • 18 Mr. Slick on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    I AM THAT I AM!

  • 19 Mr. Slick on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    I am ALSO standing behind you with a large butcher knife!

  • 20 Hugh on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    I Am Spock is one of my favorite books ever. I just want you to know that, Bill. Even now, it stares back at me from across the desk.

  • 21 Meredith on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    I’m forty percent dolomite.

  • 22 Johnny B on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    I am the intruder.

  • 23 Dr. Jane Seymour Medicine Quinn on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    I am the wind beneath your wings.

  • 24 wakachiwaka on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:49 pm

    I’m a little teapot, short and stout.

  • 25 killeroo on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    I AM KIROK!

  • 26 NotMerrittStone on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    I’m the keeper of the cheese and you are the lemon merchant, you get it? And he knows it. That’s why he’s gonna kill us. So we got to beat it, ya, before he let’s loose the marmosets on us.

  • 27 Neb on Feb 20, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    I am quite put out!

  • 28 BabyGia on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    I AM Metaluna!

  • 29 Chris on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:32 pm

    Really?

  • 30 Chris on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    I………..AM………..your father.

    (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

  • 31 MikeP on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:45 pm

    No, not really. I can’t back that up.

    It was ‘74, actually.

  • 32 Onil on Feb 20, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    For a limited time only, I am become Death, the shatterer of worlds.

    And as a bonus, now we are all sons of bitches.

  • 33 Jef on Feb 20, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    I am mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!!!

    Contrarily, I am chillin out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool.

  • 34 Barry on Feb 20, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    What am I, a doctor, or a moon shuttle conductor?

  • 35 ShutterBun on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:26 am

    What I am is what I am, is what you are, or what?

  • 36 Josh P on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:46 am

    I’m The Dude…. or His Dudeness or The Duder or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MF58II9OKNQ
    (Trust me this is both relevant and hilarious)

  • 37 SarahCanuck on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:31 am

    I am a goldfish.
    Blub.
    I. AM. CANADIAN.

  • 38 Tim on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:35 am

    I am begging for a spot on the Rifftrax writing staff.

    I am NOT sending severed cow heads to the writing staff as bribes.

  • 39 mathey on Feb 21, 2008 at 2:09 am

    I am tapdancing my way into America’s heart!

  • 40 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 21, 2008 at 2:31 am

    They call me Mellow Yellow too

  • 41 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 21, 2008 at 2:47 am

    This just in…

    I’m a picker, I’m a grinner
    I’m a lover and I’m a sinner

  • 42 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 21, 2008 at 2:49 am

    In other news…

    I’m a joker, I’m a smoker
    I’m a midnight toker

    as well apparently which explains a lot

  • 43 Derek on Feb 21, 2008 at 5:05 am

    I AM SPARTA! Did I do that wrong?

  • 44 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 5:25 am

    I’m so dizzy my head is spinning!

  • 45 Yanni on Feb 21, 2008 at 5:34 am

    I am the terror that flaps in the night!

  • 46 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:08 am

    I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV

  • 47 Rob T Firefly on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:32 am

    I am Henry the Eighth, I am.

  • 48 SaucyRossy on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:37 am

    I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.

    P.S. top that people.

    Also Corbett I just wanted to let you know, sword fight, fake lightsaber fight, ninja weapon fight, medieval weapons, jackie chan style, straight up fists, mutant powers, spider powers, chuck norris style, kick boxing, boxing, karate, kung fu, bruce lee style, insects, torture devices, spy vs spy style, or probably Mike’s favorite Three stooges style, i will fight you any way you want Corbett. I ain’t scared.

  • 49 Rufus T. on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:40 am

    I…am….hungry!

  • 50 Roper on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:42 am

    I am, I said
    To no one there
    And no one heard at all
    Not even the chair

  • 51 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:46 am

    I am me, and that HAS to be good enough!!

  • 52 Bill Corbett on Feb 21, 2008 at 6:53 am

    Ooh, an obvious miss on my part.

    100 points deducted from me. I’ll never win the Rifftrax House Cup this year…

  • 53 Botchinator on Feb 21, 2008 at 7:02 am

    I am the way.

  • 54 Lord-z on Feb 21, 2008 at 7:08 am

    I am the ghost who walks.

  • 55 Solonor on Feb 21, 2008 at 7:16 am

    I’m a loser, baby. So, why don’t you kill me?

  • 56 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 7:18 am

    Good one!!!

  • 57 Bill Corbett on Feb 21, 2008 at 7:55 am

    Neil Diamond’s chair just pretends he can’t hear him.

  • 58 Mike Nelson on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:00 am

    [Sees your face] NOW, I’m a believer!

  • 59 isai on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:13 am

    Boy. Where to start?

    I am many things but most of all I am nothing.

    1. I’m a loser And I lost someone who’s near to me I’m a loser And I’m not what I appear to be.

    2.I am Him who is called I AM

    3.Enrico Palazzo

    4….Too old for this shit.

  • 60 Courtney on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:24 am

    I’m Kilroy. Kilroy. Kilroy.

    I am Gorgo and Mormo of the thousand face moon.

    I am not a pretty girl. (speak for yourself, Ani DiFranco.)

    And in the immortal words of Britney Spears, I don’t know who you think I am, bitch, but I AM NOT THAT PERSON. *eats a fistful of cheetohs*

  • 61 Onil on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:30 am

    Speaking of Ani: Sorry I am.

  • 62 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:32 am

    Hey Hey,…I’m a monkey!!

  • 63 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:36 am

    I’m gonna be a producer,.of the next big broadway flop!!

  • 64 Casey on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:50 am

    I am the very model of a modern major general.

  • 65 Jacobi on Feb 21, 2008 at 9:12 am

    I am here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.

  • 66 Brian O. on Feb 21, 2008 at 9:19 am

    I am Spartacus!

  • 67 isai on Feb 21, 2008 at 9:29 am

    So am I!

    Me too!!

    Im Spartacus!

  • 68 Ranika on Feb 21, 2008 at 9:31 am

    I am hungry. For tater skins.

  • 69 SEISMIC on Feb 21, 2008 at 9:58 am

    oh yeah-those sound good!!

  • 70 Pak-Man on Feb 21, 2008 at 11:08 am

    THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR GENERAL!

  • 71 Matt B on Feb 21, 2008 at 11:14 am

    I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the meter on the cab of justice!

  • 72 dignan on Feb 21, 2008 at 11:17 am

    I am John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

  • 73 "Digits" on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    I am ME and thats finally enough.

  • 74 Jeff on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    The Goddamn Batman.

  • 75 Casey on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    that’s my name too!

  • 76 Rob T Firefly on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Gumby, dammit.

  • 77 Rob T Firefly on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    In addition:

    I’m Breathless
    I’m just a cook
    I’m as free as a bird, now
    I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings

  • 78 Yanni on Feb 21, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    I’m a doctor, Jim, not a bricklayer.

  • 79 gammer on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:00 pm

    I. AM. CANADIAN…too

  • 80 gammer on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    screw you guys, I AM going home!

  • 81 Onil on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    Yeah, but I bet you have like a million rivals, right?

  • 82 G-Force on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    I am the pressman!

    …Batman

    …the intruder (I know its been done, but hey, its Peter Gabriel)

  • 83 Chris on Feb 21, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    I can’t believe these weren’t on here yet:

    I am Jack’s colon….I get cancer, I kill Jack.

    I am Jack’s smirking revenge.

    I am Jack’s cold sweat.

    I am Jack’s raging bile duct.

    I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

    I am Jack’s wasted life.

    I am Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection.

    I am Jack’s broken heart.

  • 84 isai on Feb 21, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    SPOOOOOOOOONN!!!!

  • 85 isai on Feb 21, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    Mr Dabolina. Mr. Bob Dabolina

  • 86 Brian O. on Feb 21, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    I’m a Pepper, He’s a Pepper, She’s a Pepper, We’re all Peppers, Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?

  • 87 Chris on Feb 21, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    Excellent work, Pak-Man.

  • 88 Josh P on Feb 21, 2008 at 10:34 pm

    Check out my link, Chris. It’s there.

  • 89 GMaupin on Feb 22, 2008 at 6:17 am

    I AM Spetfood.

  • 90 Johnny B on Feb 22, 2008 at 7:52 am

    I am a lineman for the county.

  • 91 G-Force on Feb 22, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    “I’m a dude

    He’s a dude

    She’s a dude

    Cause were all dudes

    Hey”

    This moment of bowel jiggling poetry comes from the master of words of Kel.

  • 92 DestyNova on Feb 22, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Different show, isai…:D

  • 93 Kzinistzerg on Feb 22, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    I can’t believe, that on a Rifftrax website primarily composed of MST3K fans, that no one has used “I’m the wind, baby.”

    Servo spits bubblegum at you, pathetic wretches.

  • 94 bob the hog on Feb 22, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    bic pentameter

  • 95 GregMcduck on Feb 23, 2008 at 1:46 am

    I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!

  • 96 KT on Feb 23, 2008 at 2:48 am

    I am a meat popsicle.

  • 97 Geena on Feb 23, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    AWSM.

  • 98 Geena on Feb 23, 2008 at 3:14 pm

    Bill said:

    “I’m a lot of other things, too! In addition to being Beowulf, I am:

    …Whatever You Say I Am”

    Well, if you weren’t, why would you say you am?

  • 99 Cibernetico 2 on Feb 23, 2008 at 9:12 pm

    the NRA

  • 100 Minnesota on Feb 24, 2008 at 2:12 am

    the highway.

  • 101 REM, bitches on Feb 24, 2008 at 7:03 am

    I am I am I am superman

  • 102 JF Krispy K on Feb 24, 2008 at 7:07 am

    Ich bin ein Berliner

  • 103 Rico Ratso Rizzo on Feb 24, 2008 at 7:10 am

    I’m walkin’ here.

  • 104 David Frickin Mamet on Feb 24, 2008 at 7:16 am

    I made $970,000 dollars last year – how much you make? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing.

  • 105 Karaoke Island, Fr. Guiana on Feb 24, 2008 at 6:41 pm

    “I am,” I said
    To no one there
    And no one heard at all
    Not even the chair

  • 106 scott on Feb 25, 2008 at 7:26 am

    Kevin, this one’s for you:

    Ich bin der himmel
    Ich bin das wasser
    [...]
    Und du bist mein Sofa

  • 107 jonnyfrag on Apr 15, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    There are those that call me….Tim

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