First of all, thanks to all of you who feel that I may or may not resemble one person or another. Without you, this exercise would merely be annoying and self-indulgent. After asking you to suggest people that, in spite of my best efforts, I look nothing like, you sent in thousands (dozens) of wonderful suggestions, represented above by the collage sent in by Mgroves (nice, don’t you think?); and though I’m flattered by the question of my resemblance to the likes of Dennis Hopper or Gurudev Rabindranath, I more closely resemble a stalk of barley. Also cleverly suggested, to name but a few, were Howard Hessman, Paul Giamatti, Hank Williams, Jr., Billy Connelly, Wolfman Jack, Dans Haggerty and Fogelberg; the Rat Guy from Beakman’s World, William H. Macy (!), ALF, A drunken beach Santa, one reader’s dad, King Christian IX of Denmark, Mick Fleetwood, Papa Hemmingway, Glenn Close in “Hook,” Harvey Fierstein, Michelangelo’s depiction of God, John Entwhistle, Conductor Krzysztof Pendrecki, Bea Arthur and, by the dozens, Kenny Rogers. I resemble none of these men in any way. Not even reader Adam Electric, who morphed me into a perverse version of James Doohan, could make the cut, clever as it was. However, someone has to win, and so here are my top five picks:
George Carlin (Submitted first by Ninjew)
Several of you suggested that I don’t resemble George – sour, angry, keenly observational, and balding, with the forehead of a bottlenose dolphin. I look more like Kristy McNichol than I do George.
Francis Ford Coppola (Submitted by Dave-O)
I once met Francis, back in 1980 when I was in college. He was then, and possibly still is, charismatic, ebullient and crazier than a shit-fight in a monkey house. I am slightly less crazy, and I look nothing like the man. In fact, for this picture I had to use Photoshop to roughly triple my lower lip size so I’d bear even a passing resemblance.
Rutherford B. Hayes (Submitted first by Jef)
It was a challenge to prove that I don’t resemble our nineteenth president and founder of the White House Easter Egg Roll, in part because I have such markedly antebellum looks in general. Luckily, while the esteemed Mr Hayes has the noble countenance of a Civil War hero and eminent statesman, I look more like an overfed member of The Band (before you ask, I look nothing like Garth Hudson).
Louis Pasteur (Submitted by Yoohoo Riffer)
Try as I may, this pioneer of antibiosis resembles me as much as a kiwi fruit resembles a shoehorn. Perhaps it’s the Frenchness that prompted Mr. Yoohoo Riffer to suggest such a thing, but keep in mind that I am maybe one-eighth French on my mother’s side, tops.
THE WINNER: Tom Hulce (Submitted First by Katie M.)
I looked at this picture of the versatile and accomplished Mr. Hulce and and thought I’d have to get up pretty early in the morning to resemble him. So that’s what I did, after a night of drinking 151 rum and eating fistfuls of salt plums. And it paid off: Ms. Katie M was the first to notice that even after attempting such miserable self-treatment, I still don’t look a whit like Tom Hulce.
Katie M, congratulations. Here’s your virtual autograph.
My only regret is that nobody managed to notice the one person I feel I most resemble: Her Royal Highness The Princess Anne.
Look at those biceps, eh?