We narrow down the final two State Quarters in the Keanu Regional. Catch up on all the previous matchups here!
vs 
Arkansas is confident. They remain the last of the truly “Abstract” state quarters in the running for the title. But a quarter can only get so far on its weirdness alone. At some point in time, you’re going to have to put some substance behind it. I still don’t know the story behind the Arkansas quarter, and probably never will. It’s a quarter told by an idiot, full of bling and birdies, signifying nothing. I do know that out of all the State Quarters, Alaska’s is the one most capable of frightening small children, especially if you build a live recreation of it in their Little Tykes playhouse in the backyard. They might actually enjoy a recreation of the Arkansas quarter, and nobody wants that.
Winner: Alaska - Arkansas exits, pursued by a bear
vs 
Bison, for all their glory, majesty, and embodiment of the American frontier, cannot be used to make bacon. This rendered them useless to George and his merry band of patriots on the New Jersey quarter. In theory though, the New Jersey quarter is still capable of eating the North Dakota quarter, however disgustingly bacon-free it may be. When one quarter can eat the contents of another quarter, it becomes easier to pick a victor. Though North Dakota won’t move on, it has made its “twice as good as Kansas” status known to the rest of the nation, and that’s really all it was hoping for during this contest.
Winner: New Jersey - Those patriots on the New Jersey quarter are minutes away from killing a bunch of guys. The fact that they’re bad guys is just icing on the cake. Awesome.
*UPDATE* New Jersey’s victory comes despite the fact that Joey Pants, the New Jersey State Quarter’s Ashley Judd-esque superfan, was unable to attend the contest due to a conflicting meet and greet with fans: 
He perked up after learning of the outcome via text message
24 responses so far ↓
1 wurwolf on Feb 26, 2008 at 3:41 pm
That is, without a doubt, the best picture of Joey Pants I’ve seen so far.
He should use that for his Christmas card.
[Reply to this]
Reply from SEISMIC on February 27, 2008:
yeah-that would be a winner!
2 Michael on Feb 26, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Why is Joey Pants stuck on that guy’s t-shirt?
Oh wait….
[Reply to this]
3 Bill Corbett on Feb 26, 2008 at 4:06 pm
“Winner: Alaska - Arkansas exits, pursued by a bear”
Why, you well-educated son of a — !
To the first Rifftraxian who IDs the exact source of Conor’s reference….
I’ll write a limerick on the non-filthy subject of YOUR choice, below. Go!
(Sure, you can cheat and Google it. But will you respect yourself in the morning?)
[Reply to this]
Reply from Michael on February 26, 2008:
I have no respect for myself (I own a non MST3K version of Hobgoblins, what does that tell you?) so I googled it and only came up with this page. I suck apparently.
Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on February 26, 2008:
Stage direction from Act III, Scene III of Shakespeare’s ‘The Winter’s Tale’
Antigonous exits, pursued by a bear.
Reply from bob the hog on February 26, 2008:
Sorry, the correct answer is Goldilocks.
I want a limerick on Canadian Spatula Nosed Freak-Beavers.
Reply from SLP on February 26, 2008:
“Incidentally, the stage direction, “Exit, pursued by a bear,” is the most famous stage direction in Shakespeare. It was popular in plays of the time to show an incident involving a bear.” Pretty impressive, Conor…
Reply from Bill Corbett on February 26, 2008:
“Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on February 26, 2008:
Stage direction from Act III, Scene III of Shakespeare’s ‘The Winter’s Tale’
Antigonous exits, pursued by a bear.”
Wow, BT… downright encyclopedic of you. Nicely done.
It’s not only the most famous stage direction in Shakespeare, but probably the most famous of all time, because it’s….well, frankly it’s ridiculous. (Sorry Will.) Real bears = hard to control. Guys in bear costumes = really silly.
Anyway — what would you like your limerick to be about?
Also please specify: set in Nantucket, or elsewhere?
So what do you want your limerick to be about?
Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on February 27, 2008:
Gee I never win anything! Hmm.. should I choose bacon, Joey Pants, or the peaceful boll weevil? The possibilities are endless but I think I’ll take a page from fellow contestant Bob the hog and request a limerick about the Canadian Spatula Nosed Freak-Beaver, Nantucket and/or amazing feats of dexterity at your discretion.
Reply from Leigh Ann on February 27, 2008:
The bear one is a good one, but it’s tough for me to decide between that and Marlowe’s [He brains himself against the cage.]
Reply from Bill Corbett on February 27, 2008:
“I’ll take a page from fellow contestant Bob the hog and request a limerick about the Canadian Spatula Nosed Freak-Beaver, Nantucket”
Oy, that’s a lot of syllables to manage. I’m getting nervous and flop-sweaty.
However — look for it later this afternoon, right here on this very blog.
Reply from bob the hog on February 27, 2008:
…a limerick about the Canadian Spatula Nosed Freak-Beaver
Thanks, Beautiful.
It’s like I won, but in a dumb way (Goldilocks! I’m so embarrassed.)
Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on February 28, 2008:
Oy, that’s a lot of syllables to manage. I’m getting nervous and flop-sweaty.
However — look for it later this afternoon, right here on this very blog.
Sigh… I looked for you and you never showed.
Now I got trust issues ‘n stuff… prolly gonna need therapy ‘r whatever… I tellya ladies, never set a man to the task of writing a pretty much impossible limerick, he’ll go al flop sweaty and dissappoint you every time!
4 John H. on Feb 26, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Winner: Alaska - Arkansas exits, pursued by a bear
You are awesome.
[Reply to this]
5 Mephisto the Great on Feb 26, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Alaska is the ultimate wallflower…and it requires the work of a bloodthirsty, face-eating Death Bear to finally provide the love and respect it deserves.
Go “Not Hawaii”!
[Reply to this]
6 Neb on Feb 26, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Dang! Houndstooth beat me to it!
[Reply to this]
7 Melman on Feb 27, 2008 at 4:26 am
I honestly thought Arkansas would beat Alaska. I think Alaska could go the way.
[Reply to this]
8 Hotbox F. Mellonhead on Feb 27, 2008 at 7:16 am
The winner will be Arkansas! Mike has set foot in my state, and therefore made it holy ground. That, and he led away our pestilence of boll weevils.
[Reply to this]
9 amanda on Feb 27, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Alaska will take NJ easily. George Washington may be George Washington, but any bear could eat him. Something he could not do with his wooden teeth!
[Reply to this]
10 Livia on Feb 27, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Yes! Alaska makes it another round!
[Reply to this]
11 Daddy-O on Feb 28, 2008 at 9:22 am
They should have put the Boggy Creek monster on the Arkanasas quarter. There wouldn’t have even been a need for this whole contest thing.
[Reply to this]
Reply from amanda on February 28, 2008:
Better yet, a picture of Crenshaw.
Reply from Daddy-O on February 28, 2008:
Yes!
Leave a Comment