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Keanu Regional Semi-Final

February 26th, 2008 by Conor Lastowka · 25 Comments

We narrow down the final two State Quarters in the Keanu Regional. Catch up on all the previous matchups here!

Keanu Regional Round 2

alaska vs arkansas

Arkansas is confident. They remain the last of the truly “Abstract” state quarters in the running for the title. But a quarter can only get so far on its weirdness alone. At some point in time, you’re going to have to put some substance behind it. I still don’t know the story behind the Arkansas quarter, and probably never will. It’s a quarter told by an idiot, full of bling and birdies, signifying nothing. I do know that out of all the State Quarters, Alaska’s is the one most capable of frightening small children, especially if you build a live recreation of it in their Little Tykes playhouse in the backyard. They might actually enjoy a recreation of the Arkansas quarter, and nobody wants that.

Winner: Alaska - Arkansas exits, pursued by a bear

new jersey vs north dakota

Bison, for all their glory, majesty, and embodiment of the American frontier, cannot be used to make bacon. This rendered them useless to George and his merry band of patriots on the New Jersey quarter. In theory though, the New Jersey quarter is still capable of eating the North Dakota quarter, however disgustingly bacon-free it may be. When one quarter can eat the contents of another quarter, it becomes easier to pick a victor. Though North Dakota won’t move on, it has made its “twice as good as Kansas” status known to the rest of the nation, and that’s really all it was hoping for during this contest.

Winner: New Jersey – Those patriots on the New Jersey quarter are minutes away from killing a bunch of guys. The fact that they’re bad guys is just icing on the cake. Awesome.

Keanu Regional Semi-Final

*UPDATE* New Jersey’s victory comes despite the fact that Joey Pants, the New Jersey State Quarter’s Ashley Judd-esque superfan, was unable to attend the contest due to a conflicting meet and greet with fans: Joe and fan

He perked up after learning of the outcome via text message

Tags: Joey Pants · RiffTrax · bacon · bracketology · currency · state quarters

25 responses so far ↓

  • 1 wurwolf on Feb 26, 2008 at 3:41 pm

    That is, without a doubt, the best picture of Joey Pants I’ve seen so far.

    He should use that for his Christmas card.

  • 2 Michael on Feb 26, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    Why is Joey Pants stuck on that guy’s t-shirt?

    Oh wait….

  • 3 Bill Corbett on Feb 26, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    “Winner: Alaska – Arkansas exits, pursued by a bear”

    Why, you well-educated son of a — !

    To the first Rifftraxian who IDs the exact source of Conor’s reference….

    I’ll write a limerick on the non-filthy subject of YOUR choice, below. Go!

    (Sure, you can cheat and Google it. But will you respect yourself in the morning?)

  • 4 Michael on Feb 26, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    I have no respect for myself (I own a non MST3K version of Hobgoblins, what does that tell you?) so I googled it and only came up with this page. I suck apparently.

  • 5 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 26, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Stage direction from Act III, Scene III of Shakespeare’s ‘The Winter’s Tale’

    Antigonous exits, pursued by a bear.

  • 6 bob the hog on Feb 26, 2008 at 5:59 pm

    Sorry, the correct answer is Goldilocks.
    I want a limerick on Canadian Spatula Nosed Freak-Beavers.

  • 7 SLP on Feb 26, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    “Incidentally, the stage direction, “Exit, pursued by a bear,” is the most famous stage direction in Shakespeare. It was popular in plays of the time to show an incident involving a bear.” Pretty impressive, Conor…

  • 8 John H. on Feb 26, 2008 at 7:16 pm

    Winner: Alaska – Arkansas exits, pursued by a bear

    You are awesome.

  • 9 Bill Corbett on Feb 26, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    “Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on February 26, 2008:

    Stage direction from Act III, Scene III of Shakespeare’s ‘The Winter’s Tale’

    Antigonous exits, pursued by a bear.

    Wow, BT… downright encyclopedic of you. Nicely done.

    It’s not only the most famous stage direction in Shakespeare, but probably the most famous of all time, because it’s….well, frankly it’s ridiculous. (Sorry Will.) Real bears = hard to control. Guys in bear costumes = really silly.

    Anyway — what would you like your limerick to be about?

    Also please specify: set in Nantucket, or elsewhere?

    So what do you want your limerick to be about?

  • 10 Mephisto the Great on Feb 26, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    Alaska is the ultimate wallflower…and it requires the work of a bloodthirsty, face-eating Death Bear to finally provide the love and respect it deserves.

    Go “Not Hawaii”!

  • 11 Neb on Feb 26, 2008 at 11:29 pm

    Dang! Houndstooth beat me to it!

  • 12 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 27, 2008 at 2:45 am

    Gee I never win anything! Hmm.. should I choose bacon, Joey Pants, or the peaceful boll weevil? The possibilities are endless but I think I’ll take a page from fellow contestant Bob the hog and request a limerick about the Canadian Spatula Nosed Freak-Beaver, Nantucket and/or amazing feats of dexterity at your discretion. :)

  • 13 Melman on Feb 27, 2008 at 4:26 am

    I honestly thought Arkansas would beat Alaska. I think Alaska could go the way.

  • 14 SEISMIC on Feb 27, 2008 at 5:42 am

    yeah-that would be a winner!

  • 15 Leigh Ann on Feb 27, 2008 at 6:06 am

    The bear one is a good one, but it’s tough for me to decide between that and Marlowe’s [He brains himself against the cage.]

  • 16 Bill Corbett on Feb 27, 2008 at 6:45 am

    “I’ll take a page from fellow contestant Bob the hog and request a limerick about the Canadian Spatula Nosed Freak-Beaver, Nantucket”

    Oy, that’s a lot of syllables to manage. I’m getting nervous and flop-sweaty.

    However — look for it later this afternoon, right here on this very blog.

  • 17 Hotbox F. Mellonhead on Feb 27, 2008 at 7:16 am

    The winner will be Arkansas! Mike has set foot in my state, and therefore made it holy ground. That, and he led away our pestilence of boll weevils.

  • 18 amanda on Feb 27, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    Alaska will take NJ easily. George Washington may be George Washington, but any bear could eat him. Something he could not do with his wooden teeth!

  • 19 bob the hog on Feb 27, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    …a limerick about the Canadian Spatula Nosed Freak-Beaver

    Thanks, Beautiful.
    It’s like I won, but in a dumb way (Goldilocks! I’m so embarrassed.)

  • 20 Livia on Feb 27, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Yes! Alaska makes it another round!

  • 21 Daddy-O on Feb 28, 2008 at 9:22 am

    They should have put the Boggy Creek monster on the Arkanasas quarter. There wouldn’t have even been a need for this whole contest thing.

  • 22 amanda on Feb 28, 2008 at 11:54 am

    Better yet, a picture of Crenshaw.

  • 23 Daddy-O on Feb 28, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    Yes!

  • 24 Beautiful Houndstooth on Feb 28, 2008 at 5:53 pm

    Oy, that’s a lot of syllables to manage. I’m getting nervous and flop-sweaty.

    However — look for it later this afternoon, right here on this very blog.

    Sigh… I looked for you and you never showed. :( Now I got trust issues ‘n stuff… prolly gonna need therapy ‘r whatever… I tellya ladies, never set a man to the task of writing a pretty much impossible limerick, he’ll go al flop sweaty and dissappoint you every time!

  • 25 アニメ販売 on Jun 13, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Oy, that’s a lot of syllables to manage. I’m getting nervous and flop-sweaty.

    However — look for it later this afternoon, right here on this very blog.

    Sigh… I looked for you and you never showed. Now I got trust issues ‘n stuff… prolly gonna need therapy ‘r whatever… I tellya ladies, never set a man to the task of writing a pretty much impossible limerick, he’ll go al flop sweaty and dissappoint you every time!