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McConaghey Regional Semi-Final

February 29th, 2008 by Conor Lastowka · 33 Comments

McConaghey Regional Round 2

wyoming vs alabama

The Equality State faces a state whose flag is patterned after the Confederate Flag. In a rather transparent effort to have us forget this fact, Alabama overcompensates with Helen Keller on its quarter, much like a disgraced politician who trots out his wife and kids on stage as he apologizes for his most recent arrest in a public restroom. If i had personally been tasked with picking an image based on two criteria, 1) The State of Alabama and 2) the motto “Spirit of Courage”, I probably would have gone with one of the several big names from the fifties & sixties that your average kindergartener/Outkast fan would be able to name, so Helen Keller feels like a hopelessly “safe” choice. But on the other hand, Wyoming’s quarter is a recycled logo and I know nothing of the history of their state. Is it really more equal than others? If it was, wouldn’t that make it more superior to the other 49 states in the capacity, thereby negating the claim and making it the Superior State?

Winner: Alabama – Both states have problems. But since we’re rating the quarter and not what it could have/should have been, Alabama’s is at least more unique.

missouri vs hawaii

Two of our finest states whose names end with “I” enter the ring, only one will leave. There’s really not much more to be said regarding Hawaii’s, unless you actually want to start researching who the guy is and what the words mean. Since Hawaii is going to beat Missouri, I feel like that’s not necessary until next round. Until then, I still wonder about the mystery man. Missouri’s quarter, though a numerologists dream, is just pretty darn average. In fact I won’t even bring up the fact that if you look at it long enough, it starts to look vaguely O’Keefeian, because it’s just really averagely suggestive. Like many of the topics on our State Quarters, and dare I say history and life in general, Lewis and Clark are really best dealt with through the medium of Far Side cartoons.

Winner: Hawaii - The newest state and unfortunately, one of the only ones with a rough draft sketch of its quarter on the US Mint site, makes the leap into the elite eight.

McConaghey Regional Semi-Final

Tags: RiffTrax · bracketology · currency · state quarters

33 responses so far ↓

  • 1 SEISMIC on Feb 29, 2008 at 9:14 am

    Do we think legless Helen Keller can kick some Hawaiian ass?

  • 2 benedetta on Feb 29, 2008 at 9:22 am

    this is the best thing on the internet
    but i wonder will there be a redo since the DC quarter has yet to be made

  • 3 Melman on Feb 29, 2008 at 9:41 am

    No surprises here. Hellen Keller verus mystery man should be interesting. I can’t wait til the playoffs are done with, this is the sporting event of the season!

  • 4 Artist Aaronius, Formerly Known as Aaron on Feb 29, 2008 at 9:46 am

    GAAAAAAAAAHHHHH Vermonts favoured(thats how canadians spell favored) syrup quarter lost to Hawaii! Damn, now i am going to lose the house. I have lost my faith in humanities love for sugary foods.

  • 5 bob the hog on Feb 29, 2008 at 9:52 am

    …a rough draft sketch…

    The Hawaii quarter, in all its glory.

  • 6 Tim D on Feb 29, 2008 at 11:12 am

    If I know my Hawaiian history (which has been gleaned from Five-O reruns), the wierd man is none other than KING KAMEHAMEHA! And the words he utters there on the back of this fine quarter would be, of course, “Book ‘em Dan-o”, in Hawaiian.

  • 7 amanda on Feb 29, 2008 at 11:36 am

    Wyoming is the Equality State because they were the first to elect a woman to office and the first to give women the vote (1800s if I recall). Given Keller’s involvement with the IWW, ACLU and NAACP, the fact that Alabama put her on their quarter seems like they’re covering something up…
    Should’ve just put a picture of a football on there and proclaimed GO ‘BAMA. That would sum up the state much better.

  • 8 amanda on Feb 29, 2008 at 11:39 am

    Also, go King Kamehameha! Beat that blind woman with her fancy brailled quarter down!

  • 9 King Kamehameha on Feb 29, 2008 at 11:54 am

    “Ua mau ke ea o ka aina i ka pono” means “The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness”.

    Now bring on the blind woman. I shall stuff an apple in her mouth and serve her at a Luau.

  • 10 SLP on Feb 29, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    Couldn’t put “Go ‘Bama” ’cause then we’d have to figure out which state gets the “Go Hill”…

  • 11 bob the hog on Feb 29, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    What does “The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness” mean?

  • 12 Walter on Feb 29, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    Need to alert all you people to this breaking news…

  • 13 LBeria on Feb 29, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    Yeah, that’s King Kamehameha I, the Hawaiian Islands, and the state motto (”The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness”). I can’t believe it took out our crappy quarter (MO) — I didn’t like that design and didn’t vote for it, but we got what we got.

    Here’s to Hellen Keller kickin’ Kamehameha I’s butt!!

    By the way, here’s a link which mentions the other designs for Hawaii’s quarter —

  • 14 SEISMIC on Feb 29, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    Helen-kick that king’s ass!!!!!

  • 15 Tim D on Feb 29, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    Thank you, great King for those words of wisdom! My land shall forever be perpetuated rightfully with life and … wait….what?!

  • 16 King Kamehameha on Feb 29, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    righteousness = bacon

  • 17 wakachiwaka on Feb 29, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    Okay – but are Smurf hats the required universal headgear for rulers of island kingdoms worldwide?

  • 18 amanda on Feb 29, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    Hill could refer to anything though. Lots of states have hills so theoretically any of them could.

  • 19 amanda on Feb 29, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    They stole the idea for smurf hats from ancient Sumeria.

  • 20 amanda on Feb 29, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    Actually the statue of Kamehameha is a hideous fraud anyway. Thomas R. Gould sculpted it in Italy and based it on ancient Roman physiques instead of pictures of the actual king. So maybe Hawaii does deserve to get beat by a blind woman for perpetrating this mistaken identity. Then again, it’s not like she’ll notice.

  • 21 bob the hog on Feb 29, 2008 at 3:14 pm

    Cast thy fatted pig slabs into thy volcano, Oh Kamehameha, that the land may be reborn of bacon magma.

  • 22 Mephisto the Great on Feb 29, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    Things that make you go Hmmm…

    Giant Hawaiian men, giant face-eating Grizzly Bears, giant Salmon, giant mute-deaf-legless women…

    Is there a feeling of inadequacy in the house?

  • 23 bob the hog on Feb 29, 2008 at 4:09 pm

    Well, look at the size of that O’Keeffe.

  • 24 amanda on Feb 29, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    “The life of the land” = pigs
    “Is perpetuated in righteousness” = tastiest meat
    Translation: “We have pigs, let’s make bacon!”

  • 25 Dan on Feb 29, 2008 at 5:24 pm


    Alabama puts a filthy COMMUNIST on its quarter,
    and you not only support this, you give it the chance to beat all other DECENT quarters.

    You make me SICK.

  • 26 amanda on Feb 29, 2008 at 5:31 pm

    The McConaghey Region is from here on going to be known as the FRAUD Region.

  • 27 BassBone on Feb 29, 2008 at 11:40 pm

    The quote is a prayer to the Hawaiian gods.

  • 28 Artist Aaronius, Formerly Known as Aaron on Mar 2, 2008 at 9:09 pm

    hellen keller was a communist?

  • 29 Joel J. on Mar 16, 2008 at 6:51 pm

    Here’s some more info (revised from my previous-round comment)…

    In 1843 a British officer declared Hawaii a British protectorate. Five months later, his commanding officer arrived, spoke with the King, apologized and restored sovereignty to them.

    This became the motto of the kingdom.

    ‘Life’ in modern terminology is generally considered to mean ’sovereignty’

  • 30 Dogbert on Mar 29, 2008 at 11:26 pm

    Is it just me or does the great King Kamehameha seem to be flipping ‘the bird’ to some unknown recipient to the west?

    “UA MAO blah blah blah PONO”: “two words, Emperor, “:Hiro” and “shima…boom-o”

  • 31 gojikranz on May 1, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    whens the next round? or has their been some sort of quarter disaster canceling hte tournament? i certainly think i would have heard about this on the news if it were so.

  • 32 suzanne on Jul 28, 2008 at 9:24 pm

    sigh. so lonely around here.

  • 33 威哥王 on Jun 13, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Is it just me or does the great King Kamehameha seem to be flipping ‘the bird’ to some unknown recipient to the west?