Life is funny. Earlier today I was wondering whether or not I should mess with the Zohan.
But I wanted some decent information first. So I went a-Googlin’, and learned pretty quickly that messing with the Zohan was NOT recommended.
Further reading showed that this is also the premise of an upcoming Adam Sandler movie, which no doubt illustrates the pure folly of Zohan-messing-with. So as a public service, and inspired by the fine example of my Rifftrax colleague Conor, I’ve decided to Live Blog… the trailer for “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.”
Why only a trailer, given that Conor did the entire movie of “Daddy Day Camp?”
Conor’s a younger man, with a young man’s stamina, and a young man’s voracious appetite for pop culture and state quarter designs. I’m an aging puppet-slinger with maybe three good years left. Tops. And that’s if I eat nothing but broccoli and flax seed. I need to pace myself, and save some energy for tomorrow — lot of kids to chase off my lawn, after all.
Without further ado, I give you the “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan” TRAILER, Live Blogged by myself.
And we’re in…
00:07 The deep-voiced trailer announcer guy says “He is the greatest Israeli soldier the world has ever known…” He CAN’T mean Adam Sandler. He just can’t. Canteen Boy?
00:17 “His training is lethal…and his skills are legendary.” Really? Billy Madison?…as the biggest badass the formidable Mossad has ever produced?
00:26 But his parents are “funny.” Ma & Pa Costanza-ish. So the comedy gold starts here, eh? Case of mistaken identity? Sandler’s not really playing an ultra-feared scourge of terrorists, but really a slacker who works part-time at a Pizza Hut in Tel Aviv. The real bad-ass is played by Eric Bana or Javier Bardem. There you go.
00:35 A thought: could Sandler’s accent be a tribute to Latka Gravas?
00:40 He wants to “cut and style hair!” In the U.S. of A! A premise is born, kicking and screaming, not happy to be in the world. Deep-voiced trailer announcer guy: “This summer… he’s leaving it all behind…” So the real terrorist-killer shows up soon, and —
00:55 - ish No. No. No. They actually mean that Adam Sandler IS the greatest Israeli soldier the world has ever known.
Sorry, I… I can’t go on. Please, someone take over! I just can’t. I —
Where are my pills?!?
41 responses so far ↓
1 Onil on Mar 4, 2008 at 7:43 pm
This is child’s play, Bill. You need to take on the trailer for The Love Guru.
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Reply from wakachiwaka on March 4, 2008:
…the trailer for The Love Guru.
Pause the video at the end where the leading actors/actresses are listed, and shake your head in horror at how far Ben Kingsley has fallen.
Sad, sad, sad…
Reply from Raistlan on March 5, 2008:
Ben Kingsley?
His puppet was in Bloodrayne..
2 DL Shakey on Mar 4, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Zohan’s tag line is a blatant ripoff of Jesus Quintana from the Big Lebowski.
So many crappy comedies, the world needs Bill and the rest of Rifftrax Nation now more than ever.
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Reply from DL Shakey on March 4, 2008:
Amendment: Sandler looks like a mix of Serpico and 70’s Bob Dylan, at the beginning.
Reply from Rob T Firefly on March 5, 2008:
It makes sense, though, because of the eight year olds.
3 Courtney on Mar 4, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Onil, I was coming on here to say just that. Good christ on a crouton, that looks OUTRAGEOUS.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLB1r9lh7gY
Just let its terribleness wash over you. Then watch the Sex and the City trailer and look for ropes, cords, anything with which to hang yourself. (I don’t have nearly enough estrogen to watch that movie.)
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Reply from Onil on March 4, 2008:
oh yeah! That Sex and the City trailer is sickeningly bad.
4 angel chii on Mar 4, 2008 at 8:13 pm
D’OH! Please, no more adam sandler movies(that always include rob schneider).the man cant act too well. and mr. RS is ALWAYS in his movies since clearly RS cant act either. when a brotha needs a helping hand, well then!
stick him in a stewpid movie. personally I havent seen anything worth watching in the theater for 9 bucks (plus concessions) since Pirates #3 and Ratatouille from Pixar! oh well they are not based on quality just in the two weeks that things are released. good thing there is dvds. no need to pay 10! or of course there is the riff trax which is even BETTAH!!!!!!
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5 bob the hog on Mar 4, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Midnight Cowboy meets Balky, or something.
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Reply from bob the hog on March 5, 2008:
I regret dragging Midnight Cowboy into this.
Strike MC; replace with Crocodile Dundee.
Change Balky to Balki and add Bartokomous.
6 Kleenex on Mar 4, 2008 at 9:13 pm
No, no, you guys are missing the subtle humor of this gem! See, Adam Sandler plays this tough as nails Israeli soldier but all he really wants to do is CUT HAIR! This is what we in the movie biz call a classic ‘fish-out-of-water’ scenario. It’s over your heads, you wouldn’t understand.
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Reply from Adam Sandler on March 5, 2008:
Thank you, Kleenex! You are a voice of reason in a sea of instability. May I suggest that we discuss mise en scene sometime over a strong cup of coffee and a couple of biscotti?
Or beer and pizza will do ok for me!
Reply from Brian O. on March 5, 2008:
Like that elf who didn’t want to work for Santa Claus, but wanted to be a dentist instead! Brilliant!
Reply from Adam Sandler on March 5, 2008:
Dear Brian O:
Exactly my electronic friend! Now you’re talkin’ my language! Actually, my language is full of really stupid crybaby/manchild/hellbeast grunts and groans, so you’re not talking my language just yet.
Mr. O, you’re invited to discuss the French new wave (Nouvelle Vague) with me and Kleenex anytime!! You just remember to bring the beer!
7 Katie M. on Mar 4, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Sorry about your nerv0us breakdown and all, Bill, but…..
What did you expect?? You willingly CHOOSE to live blog an Adam Sandler trailer, and you’re just asking for a one-way ticket to the booby hatch. Tsk tsk.
In any case, get well soon.
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8 Isai on Mar 4, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I liked this movie when it was done by Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat Sagdiev.
Sandler, pack it in for Chrissakes.
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9 Eddie Colton on Mar 4, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I don’t think they ever said “Adam Sandler IS Zohan.” Could they have meant Lind-Z lOHAN?
“His training is lethal.”
Does this mean his training kills him? Please say yes.
“Please, no more adam sandler movies(that always include rob schneider).”
FOOL! Do you realize what you’re saying? If there are no more Adam Sandler movies, Rob Schneider will have to make more of his OWN movies!
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10 Artist Aaronius, Formerly Known as Aaron on Mar 4, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Ahh yes, Adam Sandler has the mean physique of an israeli soldiers for sure. I some hoe see this movie setting off a new wave of violence in the middle east, with effigies of Sandler getting burned.
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11 Rufus T. on Mar 4, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Rest Bill. Rest long and hard. You have attempted to study one of the dumbest trailers I have ever seen in my life. May God have mercy on those who thought this was a good idea. Rest Bill. Let the weevils do their job.
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Reply from Bill Corbett on March 5, 2008:
Yes… the boll weevils…
Thank you…
12 SEISMIC on Mar 5, 2008 at 5:41 am
Isn’t anyone else worried about Bill? I think he just lost his marbles!!!!
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13 doggans on Mar 5, 2008 at 6:38 am
Come now, man, you’re stronger than this! You sat through “Battlefield Earth”! You can handle this trailer!
I believe in you, RiffClown!
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14 Inspector Dim on Mar 5, 2008 at 8:41 am
Maybe we shouldn’t mention that Rob Schneider makes an appearance in the trailer, as well.
… Wait. Crap.
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Reply from Seismic on March 5, 2008:
on a stripper pole? this should be in the other blog huh?!?!?
15 The Elusive Robert Denby on Mar 5, 2008 at 8:46 am
Every time Adam Sandler makes a movie, a thousand angels die.
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Reply from Walter on March 5, 2008:
There is scientific evidence that Click killed at least 1400 puppies.
16 Adam Sandler on Mar 5, 2008 at 10:13 am
Yes, before you ask, this is the REAL Adam Sandler, not some puppet loving dweeb at a public library’s computer pretending to be a celebrity to gain some attention because he feels lonely.
Despite all the hatred for me and my movies, I must tell you all how much I enjoy finding out how much I annoy you. Some of you have theorized correctly, yes I do actually live only to bother the likes of sensible minded individuals, such as Mr. Corbett here. And yes, The Elusive Robert Denby and Walter, angels, puppies and other sweet creatures are no match for my movies.
Good Day,
Adam Sandler
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Reply from Adam Sandler on March 5, 2008:
I forgot to add that I’m leaving the history channel as my website because I will make history- AS THE MOST ANNOYING COMEDIAN EVER!!!
MUAAHHHAAA HAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA
The world will soon be mine!
Reply from Rufus T. on March 5, 2008:
Oh my.
Reply from Rob T Firefly on March 5, 2008:
Grandma, get off the computer. It’s time for your pills.
Reply from Adam Sandler on March 5, 2008:
Dear Rob T. Firefly:
Oh, very funny!! Never heard that one before. If you want to make great comedy, take it from me, you need to have a high pitched whiny voice and many different alter egos (but here’s the secret-wait for it…. all your alter egos are exactly the same!!!)
That’s what makes great comedy, my friend!
Reply from SEISMIC on March 5, 2008:
well-Adam sir,
I love your movies so take that! You can’t annoy me! Happy Gilmore is one of my favorites!!! Yeah-that’s right, I own special edition!!! so how about THAT for an evil plan backfired?!?!?!
Reply from Rob T Firefly on March 6, 2008:
Sorry, folks.. last time she insisted she was married to President Hoover, and now this.
Reply from Seismic on March 7, 2008:
That was my evil twin! I just don’t know what is wrong w/ her!! She like to pretend to be me than say stupid things-I mean last time she claimed I hada secret crush on Carrot Top. Just wrong!! Sorry you all had to witness that!
17 Geena on Mar 5, 2008 at 10:54 am
“His training is lethal.”
His acting coach knew not what she hath wrought.
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18 MikeP on Mar 5, 2008 at 11:28 am
Bill messed with Zohan
Adam Sandler proved too much
For Bill’s fragile mind
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19 R.A. Roth on Mar 5, 2008 at 11:31 am
I would have paid a large cash sum to sit in on that train wreck of a pitch meeting:
“OK, here’s the idea: Adam Sandler-”
“Hold it, I’m gonna have to stop you there.”
“Why?”
“You said the AS word. Well, words.”
“As-as?”
“No, no. A-S. Adam Sandler. Hasn’t he done enough damage to the world? I’m leaving.”
Fat bloated movie producer gets up, threatens to waddle out.
“But he plays the world’s greatest Israeli commando!”
He sits back down. Downtown LA is rocked by an earthquake registering 7.2 on the Richter scale.
“I’m listening.”
“His name is Zohan, and he wants to cut hair.”
“I’m leaving.”
Fat producer tries to move but can’t, as he is trapped under several feet of rubble from his lardass-induced quake.
“I’m staying. You were saying.”
“Right. Zohan is tired of the violence and wants to cut hair in the USA. It’s like Cast a Giant Shadow meets Beauty Shop.”
“Fantastic! Here’s a check for a bazillion dollars for a movie that’ll gross one one-hundredth of that. I’m sick of the movie business anyway. Maybe I can become an Israeli commando. If I wasn’t so bloated and rotund, that is.”
Randy
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Reply from Adam Sandler on March 5, 2008:
Dear Mr. Roth:
Are you absolutely sure you weren’t at the pitch meeting?
Reply from R.A. Roth on March 5, 2008:
I must confess: it was I who arranged the pitch meeting!
There is a special circle of the Inferno reserved for those who facilitated Adam Sandler’s career. I’ll be the short man doing the backstroke in the pit of burning lava just to the left of Lorne Michaels.
Randy
Reply from Adam Sandler on March 5, 2008:
Randy,
Thanks for arranging that pitch meeting! Without you, this wonderful piece of cinematic greatness might never have been made! Eternal damnation of your soul is a small price to pay for helping me out. Without you, I’d have to just live on the residuals of the upcoming Criterion Collection DVD of “Big Daddy,” which would only keep me alive for another 158 years. So you have my eternal thanks!
Another Turd delivered to movie theaters courtesy of Adam Sandler!
Say hi to Lorne for me!!
Adam Sandler
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