Perhaps you’ve wondered where I’ve been for the past week, friends. More likely, you didn’t notice, or care.
Your indifference, I can live with. Your scorn, ditto.
WHAT I CANNOT LIVE WITH IS TYRANNY.
(…Let me back up.)
I’ve just emerged from a week-long Dark Night of the Soul. Running through the chilly woods with naught but mud smeared on myself, baying at the moon, lashing myself with branches… I’ve come to a terrible but wonderful yet awful decision.
I REJECT BACON.
I reject bacon and all that it stands for.
I reject bacon in all its forms, all its subtleties, all its variations and permutations and brand names, and all its crispy deliciousness. This deliciousness is vast, and yet now it enslaves us. (Don’t you see? Don’t you GET IT?)
I remove Bacon.com from our blogroll starting now, with no concern for any consequences, though consequences there may be.
Artists’ rendering: my dark time in the woods, with only my Cher wig for comfort.
…You want an explanation?
It must be brief, since I’m on the run. In short:
I learned some things about bacon, man. What its purpose is, what it hopes to gain from our devotion, and what it thinks of us.
Bacon is not our friend, friends!! (You should have heard what it called me. My God, you should have heard what it called YOU!!)
Hey Bacon!!!! Yeah, over here, you bastard!!!
I will no longer serve you.
I will no longer eat you.
In fact: Eat me, bacon.
From now on I recognize only CHORIZO.
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I will post more when possible, but it may be difficult, as I’m traveling underground. More soon. Stay strong! Stay alive! I will find you! Reject bacon!
(…And do try some chorizo, it’s quite good. Especially the Portuguese kind, which might be labeled as “Chouriço.” Hell, it’s no bacon*, but it’s not half-bad.)
(* Which is evil, I realize. I’m not wavering!)
33 responses so far ↓
1 Dan on Mar 25, 2008 at 11:00 pm
YES! Congratulations on overthrowing the stranglehold that bacon has had on this blog!
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2 BassBone on Mar 25, 2008 at 11:18 pm
NOOOO! Don’t give up bacon! Bacon is good! It is bacony!
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3 The Dave on Mar 25, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Bill, I think you’ll be fine, as long as you don’t fall in with those prosciutto ne’er-do-wells.
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4 Natureboy (Ken) on Mar 26, 2008 at 12:35 am
Bill,
Buy L. Mike Nelson’s bestseller Baconetics and join The Church of Baconology. It is your destiny.
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5 Rob T Firefly on Mar 26, 2008 at 1:59 am
I have that uneasy feeling, like when a babyface wrestler suddenly comes out in black trunks instead of white ones and has better entrance music.
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6 Roper on Mar 26, 2008 at 4:05 am
Sure, bacon is a cruel mistress but the chorizo isn’t fit to share the same frying with bacon.You’ll be back, they all come back.
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Reply from wakachiwaka on March 26, 2008:
I work in a hotel that employs several Mexican immigrants. The hotel serves meals to its staff, and occasionally tailors breakfast to the local taste.
How do I put it mildly?
I’M FREAKIN’ CHORIZO’D OUT, MAN!!! I’m serious, I’ve had enougha that crap, and I used to really, really like it. Now it makes me wanna blow chunks.
So - sadly, Bill - I will not be joining you on your chorizo crusade. You can have it - all of it.
7 Courtney on Mar 26, 2008 at 4:58 am
Bill,
I’m sorry that I cheated on you with Kevin. He was just really craving a BLT. Please don’t take it out on these kind people in this manner.
Love,
Bacon
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8 SaucyRossy on Mar 26, 2008 at 5:23 am
Bill!! I did miss you buddy. Can you tell me why they changed your movie to “Meet Dave”, when “Starship Dave” is a brilliant title that not only gives you a clear idea of what the movie is about but is also funny? Movie execs never cease to amaze me…..also did you see the new trailer?
http://movies.yahoo.com/premieres/7109890/standardformat/
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Reply from Bill Corbett on March 26, 2008:
I’ll do a post on the movie soon, if and when I can manage it in my undisclosed location.
It’s hard to even think about movies right now. They seem the product of a more innocent, if occasionally repugnant time.
For now, the anti-bacon resistance has BECOME MY LIFE.
Some things are just more important than an absolutely delicious, salty, smoked meat which goes with everything, any season of the year.
Um…Stay strong!
Reply from SaucyRossy on March 26, 2008:
I stand by you Bill, fearless leader!
9 Indianadelae on Mar 26, 2008 at 5:34 am
…..?
Bill, chorizo will pretend to be your friend, he’ll make you feel good and free and powerful, he’ll have your coronary arteries cry out in slightly-less-saturated-fatty joy…and then he’ll drop you faster than an empty dime bag in a whore house.
But, all stray at some point, so go with the knowledge that bacon will accept you back with open arms.
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10 ActionBatch on Mar 26, 2008 at 5:39 am
Holy Hickory Smoked Center Cut Bill!!!!!
But now on your many travels around the country all naked and mud covered, if (and when) you happen upon Snook, TX you won’t be able to try the fried bacon with a side of heart attack!!!
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11 Onil on Mar 26, 2008 at 5:48 am
Coming from a culture once dominated by the Spanish, chorizo is like an old family friend. Yes, I’ll stand with you on the chorizo fight, Bill.
Now we’re two.
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Reply from Bill Corbett on March 26, 2008:
“Now we’re two.”
Bless you, friend.
12 waffen on Mar 26, 2008 at 6:17 am
Bill, that kind of talk will get you thrown into a reeducation camp. You have been warned!!
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13 Barry on Mar 26, 2008 at 6:23 am
I’ll switch to chorizo the day I can go into Wendy’s and buy a Chorizonator.
Until then, you’ll have to pry the bacon from my cold, dead hands!
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Reply from NJDevilsFan on March 28, 2008:
Good lord. Chorizo is delicious! I love chorizo! I have to; I’m Mexican and my mother made exclusively for breakfast!!! It’s our life source and is used for entertainment purposes while in the waiting rooms of dentists and doctors!
And by the way, if you go to the Wendy’s in El Centro, California, they’ll probably make you a Chorizonator.
14 The Professor on Mar 26, 2008 at 6:33 am
Can I have your bacon then? I mean, if you’re not going to eat it I wouldn’t want it to go to waste. (This is all sounding very strange as I type it.)
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Reply from Bill Corbett on March 26, 2008:
By all means. Take the always-scrumptious-yet-evil stuff away from me!
15 MonkeyCheezPants on Mar 26, 2008 at 8:18 am
Bill, bacon loves you and wants you to be happy. Don’t you want to be happy?
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16 Homechicken on Mar 26, 2008 at 8:43 am
Fine. Just more bacon for me, then. GET AWAY FROM MY BACON!!!oneone1
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17 MarkAndrew on Mar 26, 2008 at 9:01 am
You’ve gone MAD! Bacon loves us, bacon gives us everything and only asks for our arteries…which we only use every so often. Or so I understand.
Bill, when you’ve scraped all the mud and hate off, bacon will be waiting for you. Waiting on some soft white bread with some crisp lettuce, a couple of tomato slices and a light smear of mayo.
With love,
Mark
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18 Olcas on Mar 26, 2008 at 9:32 am
Where the heck is that wall? I’ve seen it before…
Anyhoo, NUUU, not the bacon….Well, come to think of it, my last Bacon Subway was pretty gritty…You know what? Go to hell Subway, and Bacon!
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19 JackTheRIFFER on Mar 26, 2008 at 9:42 am
Bill, honey. Please come home. I’m so worried about you. Just thinking that you are out somewhwere in the world, naked and scared, makes me so unhappy… (Yet a little horny!) Come home baby!
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20 gammer on Mar 26, 2008 at 9:43 am
I’ve come to accept bacon in my life. Bacon is inevitable. Bill, once you realize this, and accept it, you will be at peace with yourself.
Bill, please come the full circle and come back to bacon. You need it, as much as it needs you….
Oh and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsTd36iHeUQ
*gammer does a little ‘evil laugh’*
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21 Fran in the Pan on Mar 26, 2008 at 10:02 am
Did the boll weevils put you up to this? Huh? ANSWER ME!!! DID THEY?
They’ve gone too far now…
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22 Lord-z on Mar 26, 2008 at 10:25 am
What about pig snacks? Can I still eat those?
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23 R.A. Roth on Mar 26, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I should have seen this comin’. When a man loves bacon too much emotional backlash is inevitable. He begins to read into the relationship more than there is, his mind races with conspiracy theories and elaborate fantasies where bacon, even bacon sold in the gourmet aisle at the Total Foods, is out to get him.
I predict that after 500 shock treatments, a gallon or so of thorazine and 10 years of psychoanalysis, Bill will be off the bacon wagon and on the bacon train to crispy smoked happiness.
Randy
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24 The Baconator on Mar 26, 2008 at 4:33 pm
We are aware of this insignificant rebellion and we are not amused. You do not want to incur our wrath, Mr. Corbett. We are everywhere. We are everything. We are in every salad, wrapped around every filet; we are even in your beer. You have seen what we can do to your pets (http://www.scalzi.com/cattapebacon2.jpg). Repent before the same fate befalls you. Tremble before our might.
The Legion of the Other White Meat (LOWM)
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25 Tork_110 on Mar 26, 2008 at 5:19 pm
It was really bacon that sank the Titanic.
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26 gojikranz on Mar 26, 2008 at 5:38 pm
its far too late i have had the spicy baconator and can never go back. if onyl i had been warned before but now if youll excuse me ill be heading to wendys!
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27 Melman on Mar 30, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Was this brought on by going to Burger King(tm) and getting the Chorizo Angus instead of the Bacon Double Cheesburger and finding out that it’s much, much nicer?
Also, now I’m hungry.
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