I’m as susceptible to Hardware Disease as any cow, what with my habit of ingesting bits of barbed wire, nails, staples and baling wire. But my doctor advised me in no uncertain terms that it would be madness to try to lodge an alnico bar magnet in my reticulum or rumen to attract all the metal I consume and prevent my milk output from seriously declining.
But I think I know my own body better than some clown from Johns Hopkins. So I will be purchasing and swallowing one later this week (I’ll be out to pasture for the next few days.) I got a good quote from magnetsource.com.
21 responses so far ↓
1 Onil on Apr 4, 2008 at 7:35 am
This is why I insist my Mike Nelson be free range and grass fed only.
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2 Courtney on Apr 4, 2008 at 7:41 am
Doctors are so humanist. People are people too! They deserve the same rights as cows! I’m calling PETH. (instead of throwing paint on fur coats, they throw it at naked people.)
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3 Kevin on Apr 4, 2008 at 7:50 am
Hey Mike,
E-mail me a business address where you can receive packages - (Legend Films, etc.) and I will send you some
cow magnets and other fine magnetic items - gratis. Seriously.
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Reply from Mike Nelson on April 5, 2008:
Cool! I’ll swallow all the cow magnets you got! If you go to legendfilms.com and click contact, there’s a mailing address.
Thanks - er - “Moo”
Reply from Kevin on April 8, 2008:
Package is on it’s way. Don’t eat any hardware, old cans, or barbed wire until you are properly cow magnet accessorized!
4 Casey on Apr 4, 2008 at 9:54 am
I don’t want to ask this but someone will eventually…
I am assuming that the only way to… dispose of these things is to pass them. right?
This can’t be pleasant for any creature…man or cow.
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Reply from JackTheRIFFER on April 4, 2008:
Ummmm…. Ewwww.
Reply from Geena on April 4, 2008:
You should see how they give cattle pills.
Reply from Geena on April 4, 2008:
We won’t even get into what they use to collect “samples” from stud horses…
5 Elizabeth Young on Apr 4, 2008 at 10:51 am
Is there a memory magnet available? I would like to have 1992-1996 removed and seriously, I would put up with the pain of passing said magnet if it would allow me the chance to get rid of “Saved by the Bell: The College Years.”
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6 Rob T Firefly on Apr 4, 2008 at 11:01 am
That’s no magnet, it’s the time capsule they buried at Village Hall in 1983. Give me back my Queen cassettes!
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7 Livia on Apr 4, 2008 at 11:03 am
Okay, that magnet cannot be to scale in that diagram. It’s almost as long as the cow’s stomach itself, and wider than the esophagus. There’s no way anything (human or ruminant) would be able to swallow that thing whole!
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Reply from AmandaGal on April 5, 2008:
This is more the actual size:
http://info.ag.uidaho.edu/magazine/summer_2000/img/vet6.jpg
(and that looks like maybe 2 of them)
I think human or ruminant could swallow that, especially a human with Mike’s legendarily big head.
I say go for it!
8 R.A. Roth on Apr 4, 2008 at 11:48 am
Boy, that sure brings me back to my college days. See I dated an agra-business major and she used to show me pictures of agra things and stuff, and if my city slicker brain didn’t comprehend the intended use of the doohickey in picture she would illustrate its proper implementation on me, but improperly since I’m not a ruminant, at least not any more. To this day I still don’t walk right. MOO!
Randy
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9 RemmieBarrow on Apr 4, 2008 at 1:56 pm
T guess that magnet could be helpful if you constantly swallow small pieces of metal. If you occationally swallow metal, I do not know how benificial it would be to you.
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10 Dan Noutko-Kennedy on Apr 4, 2008 at 2:03 pm
If I had bits of metal lodged in one of four stomachs I’d leave well enough alone and not launch some sort of jaggedy Cud Missile (propelled by jets of pressurized methane) rocketing through my only rectum (although my wife wants to know if it comes in a suppository form and if it will get the lead out of my hinder).
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11 Amanda on Apr 4, 2008 at 3:08 pm
This leaves unanswered the way more important question which is, Why are the cows eating metal in the first place?
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Reply from Matt B. on April 4, 2008:
They’re cows. In my experiences with them, I’ve found that they’re not terribly bright creatures.
12 Ryan on Apr 4, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Did Dr. Forrester come up with this? It looks like a variation on his Hard Pills to Swallow.
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13 MikeP on Apr 4, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I protest. That magnet looks nothing like a cow.
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14 AmandaGal on Apr 5, 2008 at 4:09 am
The more serious question is…milk output?
That image is just wrong, man.
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