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Why do YOU need a personal time machine?

April 23rd, 2008 by · 67 Comments

It’s really impractical NOT to have a personal time machine, in my opinion, so I have more reasons for needing one that I can possibly fit here. That’s why I have a long ongoing list at home.

But I update it frequently. Today I added these items:

1) So I can back to the Orange County fair in the summer of 2006 and sample this delicacy:

    Who wants Krispy Kreme sandwich? [SIC]

    Deep-fried concoction debuts at the Orange County Fair.

    The Orange County Register

    COSTA MESA — Deep-fried Snickers, Twinkies and Oreos have all had their day as the must-have food for the crowds at the Orange County Fair. But the folks at Chicken Charlie’s have just upped the ante on the food fight.The newest caloric heavyweight to hit the midway – the Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich – debuted tonight.

    The sandwich features a 4-ounce fried all-white meat chicken patty, topped with Swiss cheese, and nestled between a “bun” made out of a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut. All served with a side of Smuckers honey.


2) To somehow — by any means possible, damn it! — prevent this from happening:


3) To go back to the middle of the 20th Century and ensure that that someone invents the personal time machine, instead of wasting their time with transistors, polio vaccines, and Slinkies. Yes, this is the neat thing-causing-itself feature of time travel, as demonstrated so elegantly in ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES. I see no logical problem with it. Do you?

4) And oh yes, kill Hitler. (Though this might depend on whether or not the time machine can also move you geographically… or at least provide a modest travel budget. I’m not made of Deutschmarks, after all.)

What will you do with your personal time machine?

The best answer gets a free Rifftrax, on me — either CLOVERFIELD or our next offering, which will be the ROUNDHAY GARDEN SCENE.*

Please keep answers to 50 words or less, since I have the attention span of a fruit fly. Entries accepted until noon EST on Friday.

(* If this turns out not to be true, then substitute whatever movie comes post-CLOVERFIELD.)


Bill, I’d be very surprised if most people don’t plead for one in order to go back in time and party pool-side with Isaac Hayes.

issac2 h

Why the belt? Because Isaac wants redundancy: elastic, cinched cotton cord, high-tensile, military-grade belt with heat-treated alloy buckle. This is the only way to ensure there will not be another mishap like that one at Lee Majors’s 4th of July pool party.

I’m just talking ’bout Isaac.

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