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Help! I need your help!

April 26th, 2008 by Bill Corbett · 30 Comments

I’ve been presented with a multi-million dollar opportunity to adapt the following 80s music video from Van Halen into a major motion picture!

But I don’t know what in blazes is going on here!! So please describe the story as succinctly as possible, so that even a slug-witted jamoke like myself can understand!!!

If you need me to add more exclamation points to underscore the urgency of this request, just say the word!!!!

I repeat, HELP!!!!!

[UPDATE Monday AM: Thank you, thank you for your excellent help. I think I can do this now. Look for the premiere of "MEET DAVE LEE ROTH" next summer.

The personal time machine winner will be announced tomorrow afternoon. Or in just a few minutes, if you feel like traveling ahead in your own p.t.m.]

Tags: RiffTrax

30 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Slade Rockfist on Apr 26, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    Isn’t it obvious? The Hunchback called in one of the Seven Samurai, Tarzan, The Man With No Name, and Napoleon to save a damsel in distress from midgets that were tickling her; but like any good short (or long) film, there was a twist….the damsel was a MANsel!

    Succinct enough?

  • 2 wench on Apr 26, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    I’m in shock. Wow.

    Anyone else catch David Lee Roth tickling a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth with that feather?

  • 3 Chris on Apr 26, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    OK, Bill… I think I Have it.

    You see, The Story starts out with 2 Mini Kevin Federlines Kidnapping what they think is Lindsay Lohan. Uwe Boll sees this from his editing room and calls Tom Cruise Who Jumps on Katie Homes and Rides to save the day. Uwe continues to see the Federmidgets Terrorize a, Now Sober Lohan and becomes more scared. So He Calls Jimmy Smits who isn’t doing anything important, Stall the Federlines untim Tom and Katie Arrive. Jimmy Takes a little too long to start tunning cause his thong begins to ride up almost immediately after standing, so Uwe places 2 more calls, one to Billy the Kid who is in the past … so He’s gonna be late, and one to Perez Hilton so he can blog about the entire ordeal!

    FINALLY… all of Uwe’s heroes arrive to rescue the Delicate Linsday Lohan from her Small yet Douche baggy man handlers, only to discover it wasn’t Lindsay at all… but David Shwimmer in a Wig and a Dress.

    Turned out, he just wanted some Attention.

    Thats, At lease what I get out of it… but I’m a Comic Book Artist… So that may explain, quite a few things.

  • 4 Roper on Apr 26, 2008 at 11:44 pm

    No wonder you’re confused!!! I believe this is actually a video of 80’s supergroup, The Village People!!!!!!

  • 5 Take5 on Apr 26, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    You know, Bill, I think having a large “WTF?” on the screen for two hours would properly summarize the experience of watching this video.

  • 6 Rob on Apr 27, 2008 at 12:57 am

    This is the legendary abandoned first pilot for The A-Team. Stephen Cannell hadn’t quite nailed the characters but all the familiar plot elements are in place. He replaced the limo with a van in the next draft.

  • 7 Kris on Apr 27, 2008 at 12:58 am

    Bill, aren’t you a Yale graduate? Darn it all, if we can’t rely on our Ivy League schools to train their students in understanding horrific freak shows like this, what CAN we rely on?!

    You poor man. I’d go back to New Haven and demand a refund.

  • 8 Jacob_Taylor on Apr 27, 2008 at 3:50 am

    I’m afraid all of these previous posts are incorrect,

    obviously, it is about a “down-on-her-luck” “call girl” who is hired by a wealthy businessman, and corporate raider to be his escort for several business functions and their developing relationship

  • 9 Teaser on Apr 27, 2008 at 4:32 am

    Michael Anthony is….The 800 pound Samurai

  • 10 Cap on Apr 27, 2008 at 5:12 am

    I dunno what video the rest of you were watching, but what i just saw was obviously a crime thriller resulting from an orgy between the hunchback of notre dame, desperado, the crying game, entrapment, and hairspray. Stay with me as i attempt to sum up what happens..

    The ‘damsel’ has obviously enlisted the aid of several circus performers to help shave her legs, but sadly they have left their razors at home. Inspired by the new trend in buffing away unsightly hairs, they decide to use their hands instead. This tickles, so of course the damsel asks to be tied to a couple of posts to make the job easier.
    The hunchback sees whats going on (via his security monitor) and, horrified at the inefficiency of the dwarves makeshift call-out salon service, places calls to a group of people who may be able to get the job done more quickly. He enlists the help of one kurt russell with a sword for general shaving, dennis leary equipped with razor sharp wit and oiled up to provide moisturiser, and a poor clone of clint eastwood to blow away really tough ingrown hairs.
    As the troupe set out, napoleon gets word of their intentions and quickly invents the car to speed to the rescue of miss hairylegs before anyone can infringe upon the great french tradition of not shaving.
    When our trio of haircare specialists turn up you can see that the damsel is ecstatic that shes finally going to get the sort of treatment she paid for, and the dwarves cower in fear of losing their tip in the face of superior customer service.
    However, before final showdown, napoleon manages to turn up and distract everyone long enough for the m night shamalamalyan twist to be revealed: the damsel was a man all along, attempting to pass himself off as a woman in order to distract the hunchback security guard from his duties so that his trained cat could sneak in and steal the worlds largest ruby.

    Its an elegantly simple, yet shockingly original narrative that is sure to please at the box office.

  • 11 Walter on Apr 27, 2008 at 5:58 am

    Cap has it right Bill.

  • 12 Dan Noutko-Kennedy on Apr 27, 2008 at 6:50 am

    This is the movie the girls saw in the commons while we pubescent boys watched the filmstrip in the gym that warned us about the cause of male pattern blindness. This update of Molly Grows Up prepares a young girl for those monthly assaults by little red demons and depicts the idiocy of those pathetic men (represented by the latently homosexual and outlandishly garbed pre-Van Hagar quartet) who foolishly attempt to rescue her from her fate.

  • 13 The Professor on Apr 27, 2008 at 7:12 am

    First of all, don’t read the word succinctly as the word succulently. You will spend the next few minutes trying to figure out just what exactly Mr. Corbett is asking of you. Whatever you do with it, it should be a big box office hit, because I found the video disturbing, offensive and plotless. But, I also think Cap is on to something.

  • 14 Scooter on Apr 27, 2008 at 8:30 am

    am I the only one that thinks the hunchback looks like Alan Alda?

  • 15 Gamera on Apr 27, 2008 at 8:49 am

    Its about a penniless sitar player, a courtesan and an evil maharaja.

    But above all things, its about love.

  • 16 RemmieBarrow on Apr 27, 2008 at 9:28 am

    I have to agree with you on that one. That hunchback does look like Alan Alda, maybe back in his funnier days?? (Was he ever funny?)

  • 17 R.A. Roth on Apr 27, 2008 at 10:49 am

    It’s about man’s existential quest for his place in the universe, the many guises we covet deep in our hearts as we attempt to differentiate the confusion of day-to-day life from true love, and of course Indian midgets.


  • 18 Beast on Apr 27, 2008 at 10:59 am

    It’s a Oompa Loompa’s acid trip. They don’t work ALL day long, don’tcha know. He was inspired afterwards to fight the power and revolt against the factory. Classic case of class war.

  • 19 mgroves on Apr 27, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    You’re not slug-witted, dear, you’re special.

  • 20 mgroves on Apr 27, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    And I think you should cast Christopher Lloyd as the hunchback.

  • 21 Yanni on Apr 27, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    You’re all wrong, it was actually the basis of a porno. It was supposed to be a rape/gang bang involving all those people in uniforms, and the chick turns out to be a dude, so they want you to make a transvestite-homosexual-uniform-rape-gang bang multi-million dollar major motion picture porn film. I’d walk away from this one Bill.

  • 22 mathey on Apr 27, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    Marty Feldman.

    Toshiro Mifune.

    Johnny Weissmuller.

    Robert Vaughn.

    Albert Dieudonne.

    Jaye Davidson.

    They are…


  • 23 MikeP on Apr 27, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    I believe the most succinct precis goes something like this:

    1. Van Halen defecates on the memory of Roy Orbison
    2. Midgets

    So there’s plenty of room for you to flesh it out, Bill. I suggest more midgets, just to be on the safe side.

  • 24 Neb on Apr 27, 2008 at 9:22 pm

    We have a winner.

    Sad, because Van Halen actually have some amusing videos. I hadn’t seen this one before. I was not amused.

    Was anybody else disturbed by the “little people” pawing the legs of a restrained girl wearing a skirt with a hemline at about the eye-level of her torturers?* It gave me the heebie-jeebies. I have to go shower now. Thanks.

    *[Frankly, had it been ME tied up like that (which is rather unlikely), it would have been more of a Jackie Chan experience. First, I don't wear flirty little short dresses, and, second, a couple of swift kicks and those short guys would have been in a world of hurt.]

  • 25 ShutterBun on Apr 28, 2008 at 12:13 am

    For what it’s worth, I thought this version was much more enjoyable than the Julia Roberts version.

  • 26 Tim D on Apr 28, 2008 at 6:45 am

    It’s social commentary on the duality of man, man’s inhumantiy to man, and the loss of innocence.

    Aw, the hell with it. Just superimpose a Coconut Crab over it, call it art, and then then go open up a Mickey’s Big Mouth.

  • 27 Tim D on Apr 28, 2008 at 7:42 am

    Alright, yes you can have a Hot Pocket too.

  • 28 Michael on Apr 28, 2008 at 7:42 am

    So this is what happens when you do a sizeable amount of cocaine.

  • 29 Teaser on Apr 28, 2008 at 8:16 am

    This contains all the evil from any 80’s video, this was probably the inspiration for Zappa’s Be In My Video

  • 30 kris on May 1, 2008 at 10:16 pm

    i’m pretty sure they already made the cheesy general idea of love conquering across all time and cultures into a major motion picture… it was released in 1993, starred robin williams, and was entitled Being Human. yeah.