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CERN, God’s Domain, and the tampering therein

April 28th, 2008 by Mike Nelson · 31 Comments


The European Organization for Nuclear Research (a.k.a. CERN – the Europeans are no better at acronyms than they are at, say, playing baseball or designing electrical outlets) is getting closer to their goal of tampering with the very structure of the universe using their shiny new Large Hadron Collider (no acronym as of yet, so I would like to propose “NiRK”). As you’ve no doubt heard, they are champing at the bit to create their own black holes, which, they assure a somewhat nervous public, probably won’t swallow all of earth, at least not right away. Besides, if there are any “events” their crack safety officer is standing by.


Still, CERN was worried enough that they commissioned the anonymous Safety Assessment Group, one of whose members told the NY Times, he “thinks there are no problems,” but then added, “the Large Hadron Collider might make dragons that might eat us up.” (Great, so one of the guys who gets to decide whether all of humanity will be turned into mass of strangelets is a sarcastic ass.)

Now, I am not a fan of hysteria, and have yet to subscribe to any of the hundreds of popular doomsday panics that have come and gone since my birth. But I’m looking to get into the game. My question is, should I go with this one? It’s got a cool video:

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31 responses so far ↓

  • 1 SaucyRossy on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:17 am

    I am not so sure that this would be an entirely bad way to die. I mean really. It can’t get much grander than that.

    Also Hollywood missed a blatant plot for a movie. Maybe Ben Stein can make a movie about him being a rebel against Science and doing everything in his nasally lame voice to stop this contraption which is obviously biased and prejudiced against God and those that believe in him!!!!!

  • 2 Tv Miller on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:35 am

    Just to clarify, there is no real models for creating micro black holes at LHC. Some have irrelevantly speculated. The intent of “NiRK” is to uncover their flawed precept of the Higgs Boson which has been demonstrated time and time again to be a flawed concept. Mass distribution rather than alienating a single particle is more sound…but that’s water under a bridge…um…literally.

    Anywho, blacks holes are nothing compared to the real theory of doom from “NiRK”:

    Strangelets are a hypothetical form of strange matter that contains roughly equal numbers of up, down, and strange quarks and are more stable than ordinary nuclei. If strangelets can actually exist, and if they were produced at LHC, they could conceivably initiate a runaway fusion process (reminiscent of the fictional ice-nine) in which all the nuclei in the planet were converted to strange matter, similar to a strange star.

  • 3 Yanni on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:35 am

    I wouldn’t go with that video; the earth would be devoured from all directions, not just from one side. You want to make sure your doomsday guys have their facts straight. Personally, I’m going with the 2012 doomsday.

  • 4 Mr. Slick on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:44 am

    Hey, Homer Simpson went thru one of those and ended up at a porn bakery. I say bring it on!

  • 5 Dr. Jane Seymour Medicine Quinn on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:46 am

    All this doom and gloom business and physics aside, who else thinks that Doc Ock has much in common (in looks and maybe even appendages) with Hugh Grant?

  • 6 Michael Bay on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:57 am

    Dear Mr. Nelson:
    You have stumbled upon the plot for my next motion picture, “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Bad Acronyms.” The video you found was an early prototype that somehow got leaked. Several nerds at ILM will soon be punished by having to watch Pear Harbor and then listen to history/military experts debate and debunk that film.
    As far as doomsday cults go, I personally believe the one presented in armageddon. Thank you!
    Michael Bay

  • 7 Slade Rockfist on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:58 am


    They didn’t miss it…..

    Black Hole

  • 8 Slade Rockfist on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:58 am


    They didn’t miss it…..

  • 9 Slade Rockfist on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:59 am


    They didn’t miss it…..

  • 10 MikeP on Apr 28, 2008 at 10:07 am

    I’m sure that, like the above pictured Doctor Octopus, the scientists have installed an inhibitor chip that prevents the destruction of the universe. Such chips are usually exposed and protected by a fragile bubble of glass, to ensure that you can observe that it is functioning properly.

    So rest easy, Mike. Nothing could possiblie go wrong.

  • 11 R.A. Roth on Apr 28, 2008 at 10:08 am

    So if the planet was made of strangelets and I drank a beer, would it be Strange Brew? Get back to me on this ASAP, Mike. The fate of the world depends on you, man! I mean, hoser.


  • 12 Tv Miller on Apr 28, 2008 at 10:43 am

    I find it rather hilarious that now on the right side of this blog on the ‘buying widget’ is “Carnivorous Plants” for sale.

  • 13 Thom_Serveaux on Apr 28, 2008 at 10:49 am

    I clicked on the link connected to the word ’strangelets’, and it basically refered to itself in defining itself:

    Strangelets, another potential collider product, might catalyze conversion of normal matter into more strangelets, turning Earth into a small ball of strangelets.

    So I pretty much knew about as much as I did beforehand, which wasn’t much. So I went to wiki’s affiliate sites, and in the ‘encyclopedia’ section, which was a little more helpful…

    best of all, it refered to strangelets as ’strange nuggets’….

  • 14 gammer on Apr 28, 2008 at 11:07 am

    Well Steven Hawking said that the human race wouldn’t survive the next thousand years because of ‘messing’ with things like this.

    Also, some other doomsday points of interest:

    - We’re a million years over due for a mass extinction.

    - The sun at radiation minimum is acting much worse than at solar maximum, and one misdirected spewing of plasma could fry us in an instant.

    - The magnetic field—which shields us from harmful radiation—is developing a mysterious crack.

    - Our solar system is entering an energetically hostile part of the galaxy.

    - The Yellowstone supervolcano is getting ready to blow, and if it does, we can look forward to nuclear winter and 90 percent annihilation.

    - The Maya, the world’s greatest timekeepers ever, say it’s all going to stop on December 21, 2012.

    Have a nice day :)

  • 15 Thom_Serveaux on Apr 28, 2008 at 11:25 am

    Best description of all, on’s encyclopedia:

    “strange nugget”

  • 16 Indianadelae on Apr 28, 2008 at 11:27 am

    A correction, Mr. gammer,

    Most biologists/other evolution wizards say we’re not so much overdue for an extinction event as we’re currently in one: the Holocene Extinction, which is hypothesized to have the fastest extinction rate of any of the mass extinction events. We just don’t see it because it has yet to leave a fossil record. (Who says studying physical anthropology isn’t an uplifting life choice?)

    All your other points added to the equation…..I say now is the time to panic, friend…..

  • 17 Joshdg on Apr 28, 2008 at 11:50 am

    Speaking of acronyms, isn’t it curious that the acronym for the Safety Assessment Group is remarkably the exact same as the Screen Actors Guild?

  • 18 gammer on Apr 28, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    Thanks to my friends at South Park…I really, really wish they’d change Screen Actors Guild to: Film Actors Guild.

  • 19 Adam on Apr 28, 2008 at 12:53 pm


  • 20 RemmieBarrow on Apr 28, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    Great, another theory the Tabloid.. ahem, I mean the History Channel, will scoop up and make two hundred tv specials on and play them five times a day over and over again.

  • 21 Yanni on Apr 28, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    Don’t worry, all we have to do is set off some nuclear weapons to jump start the earth’s core and our magnetic field will be repaired!!! Check one problem off the list!

  • 22 Yanni on Apr 28, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    that’s what you say now, but we’ll see who’s laughing when the earth is destroyed by a man-made black hole!

  • 23 SarahCanuck on Apr 28, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    I don’t trust people who think it’s funny that we’re worried about crazy scientists squishing the universe. (ie, sarcastic guy from the newspaper article)

  • 24 AmandaGal on Apr 28, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    None of this is worth worrying about anyway. We humans have much less impact on the world than we like to think we do. We have as little power to save it as we do to destroy it.

    That being said, I still recycle and preach to conserve energy. Kinda hypocritical I guess. I should get sucked into a black hole for that.

  • 25 RemmieBarrow on Apr 28, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    I will be laughing, just as I was laughing when every one was wetting themselves during the Y2K “scare”.

  • 26 Kari_Ann on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:00 pm

    Mike, I would like to point out that it is the European CENTER for Nuclear Research… which means CERN is just an anagram of an acronym… pretty clever, eh?

    Oh, and are you sure he’s being sarcastic about the dragons? I hope not, I’ve always wanted to meet a dragon!

  • 27 SarahCanuck on Apr 28, 2008 at 9:17 pm

    Centre European Researche Nuclear? Or however you’d say that in French? Anything scientific seems to be French-named.

  • 28 Optimus Prime on May 1, 2008 at 10:43 am

    Screw you!

  • 29 Michael Bay on May 1, 2008 at 10:45 am

    Optimus, you suck anyway! I was gonna replace your ugly ass with with Voltron anyway!

  • 30 Skaj on Sep 28, 2008 at 2:38 am

    Some glaring ignorance in this blog:

    1/ You use the English translation (European Organization for Nuclear Research) for a French acronym – CERN, which actually stands for Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire.

    2/ No acronym as yet for the Large Hadron Collider? There is, oddly enough it’s LHC.

  • 31 Bill Bartmann on Sep 3, 2009 at 8:16 am

    Cool site, love the info.