Well, well. For some time now you’ve been boasting about how you have, and I quote, “the biggest eyes of any creature on planet Earth, living or dead.” We all thought you might be trash talking… but we could never produce definitive proof that your eyes weren’t the largest in the world.
But my friend, your days of Big-Eye Bragging could be coming to an end:
- Colossal squid has largest eye ever seen
It has eyes the size of beach balls, a “killer arsenal” of hooked tentacles and, most chillingly, much larger relatives lurking in the icy ocean depths.Although the biggest and best preserved squid ever caught, weighing in at 1,089lbs, scientists concluded that it was not fully grown because of the size of its beak, which slowly emerged as the surrounding flesh defrosted.
[SNIP]
The scientists measured the creature’s eyes and found them to be nearly 11 inches wide - larger than a dinner plate and the biggest of any animal in the world.
“This is the largest eye ever recorded in history and studied,” said Swedish professor Eric Warrant of the University of Lund, who specialises in vision in invertebrates. “It has a huge lens the size of an orange and captures an awful lot of light in the dark depths in which it hunts.”
My question to you: are you going to accept this?
Saucer-eyed Ukrainian model Masha Tyelna has been devastated by the news, and won’t comment publicly…
But this renowned jazz drummer is not cowed…
Mr. Smith has promised to reassemble the now-dissected giant squid, reanimate the beast, then stare it down until it dies (again) from fright.
What are YOU going to do?
**UPDATE BY MIKE***
Very impressive. He’s got me beat.
**UPDATE BY KEVIN**
Beats me as well. Can’t hold a candle.
**
BC adds:
I am ashamed of my tiny eyes.
**UPDATE BY CONOR**
I don’t have a mac
26 responses so far ↓
1 attaturk on May 11, 2008 at 4:36 am
I think whenever Masha Tyelna appears “Also Sprach Zarathustra” should be playing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6umxthz1Ys&feature=related
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Reply from MonkeyCheezPants on May 11, 2008:
Is it just me, or does Masha Tyelna look like an inbred version of Christina Ricci in the Addams Family movies?
2 Melman on May 11, 2008 at 5:24 am
I’ll stare down Willie Big Eyes ’til he dies, if that will make you happy.
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3 mrbasehart on May 11, 2008 at 6:01 am
Bette Davis refuses to comment.
…
Because she’s dead.
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4 Natureboy (Ken) on May 11, 2008 at 6:07 am
Whoa, whoa, whoa! The utter disrespect being shown to the late Marty Feldman is mind blowing. Some second rate calamari is no match for Igor.
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Reply from Katiespana on May 11, 2008:
I concur!
‘Damn your eyes!’
‘… too late!’
5 Tom on May 11, 2008 at 6:11 am
I wholeheartedly agree with Natureboy (Ken) and I think Marty Feldman still has the lock in the dead category.
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6 MikeP on May 11, 2008 at 8:26 am
What’s creepier? Two gigantic eyes, or lots and lots of beady little ones (blinking slightly out of sync with each other)?
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Reply from Queen Shadowrama on May 11, 2008:
Eeewwww….
Yeah, I think I’ll take the big eyes any day.
7 R.A. Roth on May 11, 2008 at 10:58 am
This squid will be a HUGE hit in Japan. He suffers from ocular gigantism like every anime character since Speed Racer and Prince Planet, plus he’s mighty tasty when pickled and jellied then spread on pickled jellied seaweed bread.
Randy
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Reply from MonkeyCheezPants on May 11, 2008:
Don’t forget the tentacles. Them Japanese love the tentacles.
8 Jer on May 11, 2008 at 2:46 pm
so when earth is attacked by The The Eye Creatures, will we use these guys to sort of fight fire with fire?
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9 RemmieBarrow on May 11, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I have never really had a problem with big eyes myself. I am more creeped out by people with squinty eyes because they look like they are about to throw down on you at any moment. Thats why I don’t feel comfortable around Clint Eastwood.
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Reply from Take5 on May 11, 2008:
You know, Clint Eastwood probably WOULD throw down on you at any given moment. That guy could kill Godzilla with a sneer.
10 Onil on May 11, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Don’t make fun, Mike. That’s my eye every time my allergies hit. Only more bloodshot and teary like I just cut onions.
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11 ms chii on May 11, 2008 at 8:06 pm
cool effects!!!!
are they contacts?
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12 Take5 on May 11, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Mike, my mom has the same eye color as you. You should feel special.
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13 Patrick on May 11, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Kevin do you live in the Unabomber’s old shack?
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14 ms chii on May 12, 2008 at 6:02 am
yeah-the model lady looks positively alien like!
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15 Kris on May 12, 2008 at 6:30 am
Bill, I’d be more worried about your rapidly retreating nose.
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Reply from Bill Corbett on May 12, 2008:
Yeah, that’s a problem. I don’t know why my nose job didn’t go better. I used Michael Jackson’s cosmetic surgeon, and he’s the best Albania has to offer.
16 Rob T Firefly on May 12, 2008 at 7:06 am
Hello, we are from Japan and we would like to hire you all for our next cartoon. Would you happen to own your own frilly sailor suits?
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Reply from MonkeyCheezPants on May 12, 2008:
Thanks to you, all the people reading this just pictured Kevin dressed as Sailor Moon.
(Shudder.)
17 euphoriafish on May 13, 2008 at 10:48 am
Haha, I have a Mac too.
But what’s even more fun is to try to measure your real facial proportions and see how close they come to Masha Tyelna’s.
Conclusions:
1) Masha’s eyes are big, but her giant forehead and lack of face otherwise is even scarier.
2) Her eyes are more sunken and lower set than a lot of people’s.
3) Masha is NOT human, but is actually from the same planet as the aliens on Invasion America:
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Reply from euphoriafish on May 13, 2008:
Oh. There were supposed to be visual aids to that comment.
Here:
Macbook: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2352/2489547831_3626283c5e_m.jpg
Masha-me Mashup:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3273/2490352304_c201d8b321_o.jpg
Invasion America: http://www.animationartist.com/features/SaveIA/IA06.jpg
18 Brian O. on May 13, 2008 at 6:10 pm
You could always take the extensive training course that allows you to do this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p485G5OCJVg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yh7p7z4qjo
Disclaimer: Incorrect training can result in permanent injury. At least one man managed to make lemonade from life’s lemons, however:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UjM9UI40jk
Some, however, merely go on to government positions:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sql-aPwX8ac
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