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The First White House press conference after The Headmaster from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” was elected President

May 13th, 2008 by · 11 Comments

dont eat your meat

Press Secretary: We’re going to keep this brief, it’s been a busy first day for the president

Press Corp: What was the legislation that the president passed today?

The president was eager to accomplish something on his first day in office. Today he signed a bill which states “If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding.”

Why was this a priority for the president?

He’s always believed in this philosophy. You’ll recall that it was pretty much the only thing he talked about on the campaign trail.

So, what you’re saying is, it is now illegal to eat pudding…if you haven’t eaten your meat…

That’s correct Helen. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

Well, we used to just… have some pudding, but now you just passed a law saying that we can’t.

That’s right. If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding. I feel like I’m repeating myself.

Is eating meat the priority for the president, or is the regulation of pudding more his concern?

For the president, the two have always gone hand in hand.

Why meat? Why not vegetables, that seems to be the traditional thing you’re required to eat before you’re allowed desert…

The president feels that he’s earned some political capital in the election. Tradition, the “old guard”, so to speak…That’s not what the voters said they want.

When the president says “If you don’t eat your meat…” It seems like that could just mean a small bite of my meat, there’s nothing in that statement about “cleaning my plate” of meat, so to speak.

Those types of issues were hammered out in committees, and I’ll say this: If you’re looking for a loophole in the “Meat/Pudding” bill, you’re not gonna find one.

What about those citizens who don’t eat meat, those who are vegetarians for health or moral reasons?

I hope they like Jello

[laughter]

Do you worry that people will now be eating meat with the expectation of getting pudding which the government is not in a position to provide to them?

The president has never said anything about Government Pudding. We’re not in favor of pudding handouts, or passing the cost of pudding programs along to the taxpayer. But that said, if you’re interested in eating pudding…You should eat your meat.

How will this program be enforced? Do you expect local law enforcement to shoulder the burden?

The president honestly believes that respect for the law begins at home. Within the next few days we will roll out a new website containing instructions for parents regarding tips for properly shrieking at your children about pudding and/or meat, as well as learning games and activities for the whole family to share

Madam, Bill Cosby has issued a statement roundly denouncing the…

I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have for today. Good night, and god bless America. Even you. Yes, you behind the bikeshed! Stand still laddy, or we’ll revoke your press pass!

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