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The First White House press conference after The Headmaster from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” was elected President

May 13th, 2008 by Conor Lastowka · 11 Comments

dont eat your meat

Press Secretary: We’re going to keep this brief, it’s been a busy first day for the president

Press Corp: What was the legislation that the president passed today?

The president was eager to accomplish something on his first day in office. Today he signed a bill which states “If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding.”

Why was this a priority for the president?

He’s always believed in this philosophy. You’ll recall that it was pretty much the only thing he talked about on the campaign trail.

So, what you’re saying is, it is now illegal to eat pudding…if you haven’t eaten your meat…

That’s correct Helen. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

Well, we used to just… have some pudding, but now you just passed a law saying that we can’t.

That’s right. If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding. I feel like I’m repeating myself.

Is eating meat the priority for the president, or is the regulation of pudding more his concern?

For the president, the two have always gone hand in hand.

Why meat? Why not vegetables, that seems to be the traditional thing you’re required to eat before you’re allowed desert…

The president feels that he’s earned some political capital in the election. Tradition, the “old guard”, so to speak…That’s not what the voters said they want.

When the president says “If you don’t eat your meat…” It seems like that could just mean a small bite of my meat, there’s nothing in that statement about “cleaning my plate” of meat, so to speak.

Those types of issues were hammered out in committees, and I’ll say this: If you’re looking for a loophole in the “Meat/Pudding” bill, you’re not gonna find one.

What about those citizens who don’t eat meat, those who are vegetarians for health or moral reasons?

I hope they like Jello

[laughter]

Do you worry that people will now be eating meat with the expectation of getting pudding which the government is not in a position to provide to them?

The president has never said anything about Government Pudding. We’re not in favor of pudding handouts, or passing the cost of pudding programs along to the taxpayer. But that said, if you’re interested in eating pudding…You should eat your meat.

How will this program be enforced? Do you expect local law enforcement to shoulder the burden?

The president honestly believes that respect for the law begins at home. Within the next few days we will roll out a new website containing instructions for parents regarding tips for properly shrieking at your children about pudding and/or meat, as well as learning games and activities for the whole family to share

Madam, Bill Cosby has issued a statement roundly denouncing the…

I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have for today. Good night, and god bless America. Even you. Yes, you behind the bikeshed! Stand still laddy, or we’ll revoke your press pass!

Tags: RiffTrax · music · silly

11 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Onil on May 13, 2008 at 6:32 pm

    Will this meat first law infringe in any way our flan and custard rights?

  • 2 MikeP on May 13, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    Great, Conor. Now Kevin is going to have to photoshop Nick Nolte’s head on both meat and pudding. Way to go.

  • 3 G on May 13, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    He could just save time and make Nick Nolte in the image of Yorkshire pudding.

  • 4 Bill Corbett on May 13, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    Oh, Conor. You and your brilliant humor pieces.

    Why no pictures of aging Hollywood drunkards? Why, friend?

  • 5 andrew on May 14, 2008 at 4:13 am

    Great – now I”m envisioning Nick Nolte as drawn by Gerald Scarfe. Let the nightmares commence!

    I’ll send you the bill for my electro-shock therapy.

  • 6 Rob T Firefly on May 14, 2008 at 5:18 am

    I love this so hard.

  • 7 Rob’s blog of posts » The Headmaster says… on May 14, 2008 at 5:27 am

    [...] Read more, from Rifftrax’s Conor. [...]

  • 8 JoshWay on May 14, 2008 at 5:50 am

    Any word from the fat and psychopathic First Lady?

  • 9 BoB3K on May 14, 2008 at 6:39 am

    You’ve got my vote.

  • 10 euphoriafish on May 14, 2008 at 2:54 pm

    I couldn’t read the rest of the entry because that first image made me laugh until it hurt and I feared for my life if I continued reading on.

  • 11 RemmieBarrow on May 14, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    What if you are a vegan?