Something I actually said to my three year old daughter this AM:

See honey? Trying sometimes works.
What I didn’t add, thankfully:
“Note that I said ’sometimes,’ honey. Rarely, in fact. Come to think of it, honey, we all rot eventually… so what’s the point of ANY effort?”

KNUTE ROCKNE a.k.a. “not me.”

Next: […]

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My Scrabble Express Handheld Electronic Scrabble game and I have always had a rocky relationship. I have long wanted it to rot in hell, it refuses to. So I have reluctantly allowed it to stay around. For many years that meant it was stowed away in a box in the garage along with a broken […]

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What is the best Dr. Seuss character name?  I’m far from an authority on the subject, but my vote would have to be for:
SYLVESTER McMONKEY McBEAN

Yes, this huckster, who took The Sneetches for all they were worth has it all going for him.  A sweet ride to rival Marvin K Mooney’s Crunk Car, tons of […]

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(Rises.) * Ahem. *
I understand that the video below has quickly gone mega-viral, and it’s already been seen by trillions of people — every one of them before me. So I’m not claiming to have discovered anything here, except perhaps rediscovering the fact that I’m often dead last in picking up on […]

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(For a free Rifftrax of your choice:)
Please analyse* the following early 1980s TV commercial in terms of a longer view of American culture: the various socioeconomic crosscurrents working at the time, the prevailing middle-class family dynamics at play, deviations from the above, and perhaps even the sexual politics underpinning it all.
Put all […]

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Sweet relief. What took you so long, David?

DH: ready to social network your ass.

Introducing Hoffspace, for all your social networking needs. (…Related to David Hasselhoff, which most social networking needs are, anyway.)
Downloadable Wendy’s Stack Attack Burgers soon available!

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TO: The Sailors upon the S.S. Cinematic Titanic
FROM: The Rifftrax landlubbers
RE: Things Riffological

******

CINEMATIC TITANIC.

Dear Joel, Josh, Trace, Mary Jo, Frank, and Anson Williams:
This is an open invitation to come riff with us. Any, or all of you; whenever mutually convenient. There will be snacks.
One of you has already […]

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The other morning I received an offer for herbal Viagra (with hoodia, I think, and an extra boost of mangosteen) from a gentleman with the unlikely name of Caliphate Hoyt. I remarked to Conor that if he was going to launch that ironic alt/country alter-ego that he’s always threatening to launch he could do a […]

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It wasn’t an unusual day for me, per se. The only odd part was that someone caught it on camera. (Though I don’t appear until 38 seconds into this video.)

But yes, this video represents pretty much ANY ol’ day for me now. After gulping down my usual 1500 ml of HGH, […]

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Those of you who have recently hopped on the band wagon, started drinking more than your fair share of Budweiser (1 fair share = 12 oz. annually) and rooting for the Chicago Cubs to take it all might want to consider the following: we’re still three weeks out from the All-Star break; AND Steve Bartman […]

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Oh sure, I’m bound to this earth by some horrible unfinished business. I’d be the first to admit it.
Whether I was a victim of some grisly crime, or a perpetrator, or both, I couldn’t tell you. Hell, if I had that kind of postmortem self-awareness, I wouldn’t be condemned to walk […]

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This is just the beginning of the start of a possible exploration of a potential idea of something that may or may not happen, if the stars align and angels appear in the outfield.
…Is that vague and non-commital enough? Yes? Thank you.

But if you can forgive me for dumping […]

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In honor of our upcoming Riff of The Sixth Sense, I made this video
 

This of course is the scene where the man discovers that his wife has poisoned their daughter to death. His reaction was so priceless, I wondered what else could be substituted on his TV. There was only one thing, as […]

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Thanks again to my niece Laurel, who combs the airwaves to find the juiciest musical nits. Apologies in advance for the ad accompanying the video. This week:
Gretchen Wilson: REDNECK WOMAN
 

Believe me when I say I don’t look down on Gretchen Wilson, primarily because if I did she might hit me with her baby […]

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You stepped up, ladies and gentlemen.
You stepped up, planted yourselves at the plate, spat on your hands, took a few practice swings, stepped BACK from the damned plate (as we all checked our watches), stuffed a big gob of Red Man into your cheeks, adjusted your helmet for like another five minutes, then […]

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