Recently I commissioned my niece Laurel to comb the airwaves for the very worst in popular song, what Lucille Ball might call “poopular.” Laurel is exceedingly qualified for her task, being a young college student who commutes to school and work and listens to local radio stations offering Solid Rock, Real Country, and Hot Grooves . She is indiscriminate in her search, crossing all genres and styles, searching the past and present of poopular music. Laurel instantly remembers lyrics, which is of course a curse. Each week until her ears start bleeding, Laurel will send me a nomination for Bad Song of the Week, which I will post here. I invite you all to do the same.
THIS WEEK: Trace Adkins - Honky Tonk Badonkadonk
Trace Adkins: Celebrity Apprentice finalist and legendary barroom fighter. A large, thick, angry looking man, who comes complete with knife and bullet wounds, and who could reduce me to a bloody pile of tissue with a swing of his hat. Trace’s 2005 chart-topper congeals country and hip-hop into a line-danceable tribute to the buttocks of women who are neither his wife nor girlfriend. It seems that between getting shot at and slapping his grandma, Mr, Adkins just can’t resist buttock. Indeed his career, his aspirations, his philosophic entire are based solely on the getting of badonkadonk. And like the best of bad songs, it refuses to leave the airwaves.
41 responses so far ↓
1 ShutterBun on Jun 2, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I suddenly feel like H.A.L. at the end of “2001″ when he was eerily conscious of his intelligence leaving his mind.
I like potatoes.
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2 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Jun 2, 2008 at 8:57 pm
As was ordained by Sir Mix-a-Lot in the olden tymes of 1992 A.D.: “Even white boys got to shout/baby got back”. It still trumps “My Humps”.
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Reply from Russ Rogers on June 4, 2008:
Nothing trumps “My Humps,” especially not the Alanis Morissette version!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=W91sqAs-_-g
3 Take5 on Jun 2, 2008 at 9:00 pm
This man has all the makings of a 70s cop show. “He was a street-smart cowboy with taste in women…”
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Reply from Kevin Murphy on June 3, 2008:
PLEASE don’t put those ideas in the heads of television producers!!!
4 C-Nug on Jun 2, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Those butts may not be able to laugh at this song but they sure were cracking up.
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5 mathey on Jun 2, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I think its really the Donkey Kong reference that gives (gave?) this its street cred.
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6 Shawn on Jun 2, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I’m a guy, so obviously I enjoy looking at lady ass. But I had to mute the sound immediately. I turned it back on for a second and blood started gushing out of my nostrils from the psychic attack.
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7 dave-0 on Jun 3, 2008 at 12:30 am
i’m sorry kevin, but i have to try and trump that song with this one…”candypants”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6OvZS-UGxI
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Reply from Kevin Murphy on June 3, 2008:
It’s true, “Candypants” trumps damn near everything.
8 Jacob_Taylor on Jun 3, 2008 at 3:14 am
well, slap yo gramma, how’d she even get them britches on.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to go listen to Mr. Tambourine Man by one Mr. William Shatner
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9 Andy on Jun 3, 2008 at 4:13 am
What about Donkey Kong is “going on”
Does this guy have a thing for giant tie wearing apes? And if so, how is that flattering when compared to a woman?
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10 Tork_110 on Jun 3, 2008 at 4:14 am
If I was a woman and I had a figure like that, I’d set up a camera and shake my rear at it just to see what the fuss is all about.
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11 JoshWay on Jun 3, 2008 at 4:29 am
I prefer the B-side, “Achy Breaky Ho.”
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12 bondfool on Jun 3, 2008 at 4:38 am
I hath stared into the mouth of hell, and I shall never be the same.
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13 Ben on Jun 3, 2008 at 5:43 am
My Lord…I actually had pity for Adkins after he lost the Celebrity Apprentice challenge to that horror of a Brit, but no more…The man will never ever find a moral leg to stand on after this dead skunk of a song.
(hmm…I wonder if Trace is related to the Adkins diet guru. That would explain the psychotic look he has from all those drugs and hormones they inject meat with.)
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14 Clint on Jun 3, 2008 at 6:21 am
I dunno, I sorta like it.
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15 ms chii on Jun 3, 2008 at 6:48 am
arent all country songs kind of funny sounding? of course trump hires the bad ass. (literally) agressive threoat killer. bleah!
i would have liked trace to win. he is a soft spoken but genunine man.
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16 NotMerrittStone on Jun 3, 2008 at 6:51 am
Someday I hope to have it going on like Donkey Kong. That big monkey was always real sexy.
As far as terrible country songs (which is probably a redundant statement) go, I would have to throw my nomination to ‘Drinkin Bone’ by Tracy Byrd.
“The Drinkin Bone’s connected to the Party Bone
The Party Bone’s connected to the stayin out all night long (?)
And she won’t think it’s funny
And I’ll wind up all alone
And the Lonely Bone’s connected to the Drinkin Bone.”
Evrey time I hear the song, which thankfully is not often, I get the urge to find a cowboy and connect my punchin’ bone to his facin’ bone.
Johnny Cash really is dead, isn’t he?
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17 pomme on Jun 3, 2008 at 7:01 am
I can’t tell if this one is bad or brilliant:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aYCEbc
(lyrics NSFW)
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18 Conor Lastowka on Jun 3, 2008 at 7:34 am
I’ve never used the phrase “Poor Man’s Larry the Cable Guy” until today…
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Reply from Adam on June 3, 2008:
Doesn’t that term suggest that Larry the Cable Guy is the WEALTHY man’s Larry the Cable Guy? I’m not sure what that means, but it’s upsetting somehow.
Also, I feel deep in my heart that Larry shouldn’t be anybody’s anything.
19 Landon on Jun 3, 2008 at 8:02 am
The song actually wasn’t that bad, until the song started.
That is to say, if it weren’t for him actually singing, the song would have been tolerable. I’ll admit, I found the tune catchy, but that just shows what an unsophisticated plebeian I am.
Still, I give him credit: he managed to write a country song that doesn’t even involve his girl leaving him (ostensibly she already left after he wrote this song in her honor) and doesn’t involve his house getting burned down (already happened, after his former girl burned it down on the way out which is why he’s in the bar looking for Badonkadonk(?)).
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20 Adam on Jun 3, 2008 at 8:22 am
Is “slap your grandma” a common expression of incredulity that I just haven’t heard before? It seems like highly quesitonable advice.
Also, by way of contribution, I’ve always been partial to Gunther and his Ding Dong Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPrnduGtgmc
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21 dave-0 on Jun 3, 2008 at 8:25 am
leave it to a 9 foot tall angry hillbilly to take an outdated term like “badonkadonk” and turn it into a song that strippers from the deep south will have as thier theme song for the next 8 years…what a world we live in eh? makes you think…about changing the station
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22 Chris D. on Jun 3, 2008 at 8:36 am
“Got it going on like Donkey Kong”
Leave my most beloved and cherished video game mascot out of this! Have you no decency Trace Adkins?
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23 Glyn on Jun 3, 2008 at 9:20 am
Ok, who wants to be the first one to tell Mr. Adkins that the casting department was out of gorgeous models that day and substituted shemales?
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Reply from Geena on June 3, 2008:
Hey! That MIGHT have been a stylistic choice; I know who I’m casting in MY music video…
24 Neb on Jun 3, 2008 at 9:48 am
Another fine bit of media clearly demonstrating the warped and polarized view that southern males of a certain type have of the fairer sex. I use as my reference “Southern Ladies and Gentlemen”, by Florence King. Not only is it an amusing read, but educational as well. In it, we find that this type of southern male categorizes women as either “party girl/easy pickin’s”, “wife” (an inexplicable creature) or “matriarch” (the boss).
Wait….I just described Italian males.
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25 Shadoestar on Jun 3, 2008 at 11:37 am
It is a crappy song. Country singers should leave the booty anthems to rappers and stick to what they sing about best: Line dancing, barfights and right-wing politics.
Still, it can’t hold a candle to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCvXzjGRnKc
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26 Kingtos on Jun 3, 2008 at 12:03 pm
For true head-exploding moron lyricism, also try maestro Toby Keith’s “As Good As I Once Was”. In my years as a record store manager, I’ve never achieved a headache as fast as when I heard the line, “I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was…” Huh?!
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27 RemmieBarrow on Jun 3, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I just had a feeling of getting sick in my soul.
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28 Shadoestar on Jun 3, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Bad as it is, it can’t hold a candle to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCvXzjGRnKc
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29 wakachiwaka on Jun 3, 2008 at 3:58 pm
That reminds me - I must get my watch fixed.
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30 A.M.P. on Jun 3, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Dear God. I know this song all too well because my parents are freak fans of the local contemporary country radio station (and my Dad’s into Rush Limbaugh which is even MORE excrutiating). Some of the worst songs of the past decade can be heard on that station…Brad Paisley’s “Mud on the Tires”, Keith Urban’s “Who Wouldn’t Wanna Be Me”, Craig Morgan’s “Redneck Yacht Club” and Tim McGraw’s “I Miss Back When” are just a small sample of the agony.
Of course no country song can quite match the soul crushing badness of the teen pop group The Click Five’s hideous “Pop Princess”.
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31 Amanda on Jun 3, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Does this have to be a bad current song? Or any old song from any point in the history of mankind?
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32 MSTJedi on Jun 3, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Using the words “britches” and “badonkadonk” in one song takes a certain . . . I don’t know what.
I’ve heard this song before while flipping through stations on the radio and I have to say I’m just as perplexed this time around.
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33 ShutterBun on Jun 3, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Cripes, my whole name, nay online personna is centered around admiring female posteriors and even *I* can’t stomach this. (though certain non-Trace Adkins-containing parts were pallatable with the sound turned off)
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34 Darth Chimay on Jun 3, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Thank you, Kevin, for introducing me to the first song I’ve ever heard that quotes Face/Off. May you live in interesting times.
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35 Casey on Jun 4, 2008 at 7:08 am
This song provokes a reaction from me much like the zombies on I Am Legend when exposed o the sun. Fortunately, banging my head on the keyboard, I happen to hit SPACE and that ended the torment.
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36 WaffleTron on Jun 4, 2008 at 4:44 pm
This is the single worst thing Donkey Kongs name has ever been attached to…
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