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Cubs fans, be afraid

June 23rd, 2008 by Mike Nelson · 23 Comments

beer girl3Those of you who have recently hopped on the band wagon, started drinking more than your fair share of Budweiser (1 fair share = 12 oz. annually) and rooting for the Chicago Cubs to take it all might want to consider the following: we’re still three weeks out from the All-Star break; AND Steve Bartman has just issued the following statement:

“I know that many people are excited by the stellar play and winning ways of your beloved Chicago Cubs. I would like to remind you all that I AM STEVE BARTMAN! You have hopes, I bring DEATH! You cheer, I DESTROY! You are hopeless against me!

Still, Wood’s is looking solid this year, and that Fukudome’s got range, huh?

But, again, I WILL CRUSH YOU!

That is all,

Bartman.”

Bartman

Tags: RiffTrax

23 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Nerf on Jun 23, 2008 at 1:29 pm

    She can’t give it away even if she disguises it in Hofbrau mugs.

  • 2 jewishcarpenter on Jun 23, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    That poor guy is never going to live that down. He may have cursed his children as well (if any women were to have sex with him).

  • 3 RemmieBarrow on Jun 23, 2008 at 1:34 pm

    Being from Texas, it is really hard to get on the Chicago Cubs band wagon anyway. Too far away.

  • 4 Courtney on Jun 23, 2008 at 1:39 pm

    You know I’m trying to come up with a funny little commenty thing here, but every time I hear his name I get slightly stabby. Best I just go to the happy place really.

  • 5 Ben on Jun 23, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    Huh. So I take it Mike is a Cubbies fan and still blames Bartman? I’m in Texas too and frankly, I don’t see how being a Cubs fan is any different from being a Rangers fan, except that the Cubs tease their fans better before they tank.

    Exactly why do baseball “experts” always predict the Cubs being in the World Series? On what recent World Series appearances and victories do they base those predictions on? Weren’t the Cubs last in the World Series when Truman was President and Harry Caray was a young man of 105?

  • 6 Mike Nelson on Jun 23, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    You can try – but Bartman is there, in your happy place…. waiting….

  • 7 Jason on Jun 23, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    Wow- nothing about Carlin?

  • 8 Matt B. on Jun 23, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    So, do the Cubs fans twitch as badly at the mention of Bartman as the Browns fans do when I mention The Drive?

  • 9 Tork_110 on Jun 23, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    You’re a mean drunk.

  • 10 Gamera on Jun 23, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    Who?

  • 11 Macgyver on Jun 24, 2008 at 3:56 am

    I live in Scotland and I’ve been a Cubs fan for as long as I can remember, so that’s no excuse.

    surely the mob have a hit out on Bartman? Although last time that happened Nancy Cartwright vanished for a couple of days…

  • 12 Tim D on Jun 24, 2008 at 4:42 am

    Oh, and Philly fans are bad? Sheesh. Mitch Williams has his own radio show before the Phillies games now. See? We can forgive.

  • 13 Amanda on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    Dude, don’t even joke about that! We don’t need you cursing us! It’s hard enough to get there without Bartman being thrown in our faces. The NL is weak, the Cubs are a strong team (except for DeRosa). Let us have our moment in the sun before it all falls apart. Go, Cubs, Go.

  • 14 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Jun 24, 2008 at 9:42 pm

    I’m a bit surprised myself. Granted, he was no Korman, but surely he made at least one of you chuckle.

  • 15 Against Me » Blog Archive » Cubs fans, be afraid on Jun 25, 2008 at 3:37 am

    [...] Cubs fans, be afraid I would like to remind you all that I AM STEVE BARTMAN! You have hopes, I bring DEATH! You cheer, I DESTROY! You are hopeless against me! Still, Wood’s is looking solid this year, and that Fukudome’s got range, huh? … [...]

  • 16 R.A. Roth on Jun 25, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    For the last 35 years, my tenure as a beleaguered Cubs fan, there is one thing I have never entertain and that is hope of a Cubs World Series appearance, let alone a win. I watch them because it’s easier than sitting by the tracks waiting for an Amtrak derailment. I love a good disaster, and the Cubs deliver an unalloyed, unmitigated disaster every time.

    Randy

  • 17 R.A. Roth on Jun 25, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    EntertainED. The Cubs also adversely affect my grammar.

    Randy

  • 18 R.A. Roth on Jun 25, 2008 at 3:15 pm

    Yea, I’m pretty disappointed the riff masters skipped a Carlin blog, even if there are 1,000,000 competing blogs. Click the link and check mine. It’s short and sweet.

    Randy

  • 19 Amanda on Jun 25, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    I’d make a reply to this but the Cubs are on right n- …..

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