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Do you have days like this, too?

June 23rd, 2008 by Bill Corbett · 36 Comments

It wasn’t an unusual day for me, per se. The only odd part was that someone caught it on camera. (Though I don’t appear until 38 seconds into this video.)

But yes, this video represents pretty much ANY ol’ day for me now. After gulping down my usual 1500 ml of HGH, washed down with a washer’s tub full of espresso, I go down to “rave” with the youngsters in the streets of Europe. Where I live. (I live in Europe.)

As always, I’m forced to grab some Day-Glo-wig-hating slam dancer and make him simmer down before he hurts the many women I protect. He goes away, but not far enough… so I have to point at him for a while. GO, I say with this. GO NOW, or: consequences.

That done, I take a little stroll to clear my head and think: just what IS next for my beard?

Former MST3K writer Paul Schersten sees I’m that distracted, yet dangerously dehydrated…. so he puts a water bottle directly in front of my face. I accept it, and I’m grateful, but force myself not to show it. I musn’t! Weakness = death. The Day-Glo-wig-haters are always watching!

But the water does something to me, man….

I HAVE TO DANCE. And Lord, do I dance! Yes, I need to keep walking as I do, of course — many women to protect, much ground to cover! so many wigs!! — but the music and I become one pulsating, slightly spasmodic entity. I do kung fu moves against an army of attacking invisible hyenas for a while, but never leave my State of Oneness with the Dance.

…until crap!…I suddenly do. Until “dance” suddenly SUCKS, and is the most ridiculous, shameful waste of energy in which a woman-protector like myself could indulge. What in the name of Nitzer Ebb was I THINKING?… twitching, shuffling, and man-bouncing like some fool?!?!

Some skinny guy in sunglasses offers me sweet relief, a temporary respite from my ruthless self-questioning, in a form of a…a brown…strip… of some kind? A brown strip with… writing on it? What the hell is — ?… IS that writing? I don’t know. It doesn’t distract me nearly long enough, and I tear it up in casual disgust.

…but then. THEN! The music-magic-mind-meld comes creeping back. Slowly at first, sure — some fellow Europeans talk to me briefly (I live in Europe), and almost interrupt the volcano activating itself again. But they’re no challenge to its driving force, and my now-cresting caffeine / HGH cocktail.

The DANCE is back! I am it, it is me, and we create new universes with every movement, all the way past the Preiswert Radfahren store, my pulsating pectoral muscles new nations in themselves. (E.U. nations, of course.)

This is the moment, the moment for which I have always existed.

…But then my owner comes and pulls me away by my dog tags.

Another dream dies. Another Fuckparade ruined.

(Sigh.)

I assume this happens to you a lot, too? It’s like every day, with me. I’m in a rut.

***

[UPDATE by Bill: Obviously, I haven't kept that ripped figure lately, despite tripling my HGH intake. I had two children in the past three years, so it must be the baby weight. I just can't take it off!!]

Tags: RiffTrax

36 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Mrs. Samuel Brainsample on Jun 23, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    While watching this, I realized that I had just ovulated. AND I AM 68 YEARS OLD.
    You have strange and wonderful powers, dear man. Use them wisely.

  • 2 Axnollouse on Jun 23, 2008 at 9:17 pm

    You are the dance commander!

  • 3 Doktorsleepless on Jun 23, 2008 at 9:22 pm

    So I’m assuming googling fuckparade will lead me to this video? *googles fuckparade*. Hey what do you know, California approves Gay marriage bill. Makes me all the more happy I’m gay.

  • 4 Hugh on Jun 23, 2008 at 9:35 pm

    Schersten? I think I need to turn in my “MST3K Site Webmaster-type Person” license, because that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that name associated with Paul. How is Paul, incidentally? I worry about the fella’, being so off-the-radar and all.

  • 5 Kyle on Jun 23, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    It happens all too often, I’m afraid. But what can you do?

  • 6 unityofeffect on Jun 23, 2008 at 9:49 pm

    Bill, your ripped abs, pert, bouncy breasts, and sweet,sweet dances moves are now all I can think of….you fiend you!

  • 7 wench on Jun 23, 2008 at 9:57 pm

    Wow. Man, I love Vikings. Sweet beard… sweet beard.

  • 8 Andrew Hime on Jun 23, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    I haven’t heard music that good at a rave in years… of course it’s in Europe. The song about 2 minutes in starts really monotonous, though.

  • 9 Andrew Hime on Jun 23, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    Oh, and 8 years ago. Sheesh.

  • 10 Glyn on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:08 am

    I kept waiting for the Santa float to come by so I could watch him throw drugs the crowd.
    What kind of Fuckparade doesn’t have Santa?

  • 11 why she's the girl from the chainstore on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:23 am

    ah, the magic of the Euro-Rave parade. where every multicolored balloon is filled with nitrous oxide or ether- it’s your choice; where every whimsical painted clown carries a tray of hash cookies and lollipops that have a liquid PCP center. for an extra 10 Euros you can have Injecto the clown give you a dosage from his bristly basket of joy-filled needles.
    [sigh]

  • 12 Barry on Jun 24, 2008 at 2:54 am

    What, does it make some kind of “thud” noise or something?

  • 13 Owner of dog-tagged pointing man on Jun 24, 2008 at 4:33 am

    Bill! Get back here! Stop that writing this instant! Bad! Sit! How’d you get out of your Uber-pen?

    Give me the brown paper thing. Give it! Ah, you tore it up! Bad!

  • 14 MikeP on Jun 24, 2008 at 4:58 am

    Shame the video ended before it showed you bursting out of a Day-Glo-wig-hating slam dancer ’s eye, bellowing “BIIIIILLLL!”

    That was the second-best part.

  • 15 Ben on Jun 24, 2008 at 5:14 am

    Bill, you need a break…

    Hop in your time machine and catch this performance:

    http://www.torontoclown.com/Page.asp?PageID=1209&ContentID=816

  • 16 Jacob_Taylor on Jun 24, 2008 at 5:15 am

    If I may ask Mr. Corbett, How much did you get payed for having your likeness used in the film Beowulf?

  • 17 Bill Corbett on Jun 24, 2008 at 6:00 am

    Yes, very disappointing that the camera’s battery crapped out right before that.

    Squeezing myself through the slam dancer’s body to get up and through his eye is an experience I’d rather not repeat without a Hazmat suit, but still… worth it just to shout my name like that.

  • 18 Red_rover_sk on Jun 24, 2008 at 6:14 am

    http://images.g4tv.com/images/blog/2008/06/05/633482563237747695.jpg

    Mmm.. Strawberry..

  • 19 chrismartindeed on Jun 24, 2008 at 6:18 am

    Kneecam?… As in camera at knee level?

    Then your videographer must have been a giraffe.

    And do you always look so pixelated?

  • 20 Mrs. Samuel Brainsample on Jun 24, 2008 at 6:57 am

    When even ancient female human ovaries are exposed to the kind of molten manhood that Bill is radiating along the parade route- yes, young man, there is a ‘thud’.
    Followed by a ’squish’.
    Stand back.

  • 21 JT on Jun 24, 2008 at 7:38 am

    The nipple bouncing factor is enough to make me think Bill can’t help but icing those puppies down following the parade.

  • 22 Amanda on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    See? See what Hitler missed out on for being so overly egocentric? Me, me, me. If he’d just gone with the flow he could’ve been out partying with this guy, keeping the drunks off the dayglo girls. Asserting himself in a more positive way. But no. He really missed out.

  • 23 Tv Miller on Jun 24, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    From now on, when I refer to Euros or Europeans or Europe or People of Earth or things, assume I wasn’t including Germans.

  • 24 RemmieBarrow on Jun 24, 2008 at 2:05 pm

    I did not know milling around was considered dancing.

  • 25 The Professor on Jun 24, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    Bill! I want you in a way that I’ve never wanted you before!

  • 26 The Professor on Jun 24, 2008 at 2:59 pm

    I think Hitler did this sort of thing all the time in the privacy of his own bunker. He was just too ashamed of his own nipples to do this in public and Eva refused to wear the day-glo wig.

  • 27 MikeP on Jun 24, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    They were milling around rhythmically. Subtle distinction, you see.

  • 28 Gamera on Jun 24, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    Why Bill? Why?

  • 29 Nanobots on Jun 24, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    My. And how tall was the person taking the video? After all, it is labelled *KNEE*cam No. 1, so presumably we’re getting someone’s knee’s-eye view of the scene.

  • 30 euphoriafish on Jun 24, 2008 at 9:22 pm

    Totally unrelated comment having to do with bacon:
    http://www.mcphee.com/items/11814.html

  • 31 Spookette on Jun 24, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    I…I don’t want to watch, but…the jiggling…it compels me…

  • 32 euphoriafish on Jun 24, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    Oh, and these too: http://www.gratefulpalate.com/index.php?p=MultiOption_24&parent=Category_125
    http://blog.makezine.com/archive/2005/12/maker_of_the_day_matty_sallin.html
    http://bordom.net/view/18191
    http://www.instructables.com/id/Bacon-Placemats
    http://www.baconunwrapped.com/2007/07/bacon-flavored-cotton-candy.html
    http://www.gratefulpalate.com/index.php?p=Category_11
    http://neverbashfulwithbutter.blogspot.com/2007/12/experiments-in-deliciousness-bacon.html

  • 33 deldobuss on Jun 25, 2008 at 8:47 am

    What is next for the beard? What is left after the goat-pony-braid-tail?

    Pondering. . .

  • 34 Bill Corbett on Jun 25, 2008 at 8:51 am

    E,

    Bacon is NEVER unrelated. To anything.

    bc

  • 35 R.A. Roth on Jun 25, 2008 at 3:27 pm

    Anthony Kiedis has really lost his edge.

    Randy

  • 36 Henk on Jul 7, 2008 at 1:17 am

    @MR.Corbett
    Are we talking long-pig here?