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June 24th, 2008 by · 25 Comments

The other morning I received an offer for herbal Viagra (with hoodia, I think, and an extra boost of mangosteen) from a gentleman with the unlikely name of Caliphate Hoyt. I remarked to Conor that if he was going to launch that ironic alt/country alter-ego that he’s always threatening to launch he could do a lot worse than to name him Caliphate Hoyt. He countered with the delightful news that Matthew McConaughey’s brother Rooster — yes, Rooster — McConaughey had just landed his own reality show.

Rooster is, evidently, in the oil game, and has, by the looks of him, spent many, many hours partying at the Moon Tower. Since learning the transcendentally wonderful news of the existence of Rooster I have unearthed a few more formerly obscure brothers of famous people.Take, for example, Sir Anthony Hopkin’s brother Sir Culverton “Grizzly” Hopkins:
Grizzly Hopkins
And Matt Damon’s older brother “Spleef” Damon. That’s him on the right.
(Matt loves him dearly but doesn’t talk much about him.)If you discover anymore, please let me know.

**Conor Adds**


Scarlett Johansson’s half brother, Chris “iPhone” Johansson.

stomach ache

Everyone who grew up around tennis star Andy Roddick will tell you that his brother StomachAche was the one who should have made it big on the tour until an ankle injury abrubtly ended his career.

**Mike adds**

I don’t want to give short shrift to William Shatner’s brother “Spud Man” Shatner.

Spud Man 1
And Skeet Ulrich’s brother “Skeetch” Ulrich:


**Conor would also like to contribute**

conans bro

Conan’s brother, Bryan “Yule Log” O’Brien, upon hearing the news that his brother would take over the Tonight Show, commented “Aloha, ladies”

**BILL adds what he can to this vital research project:**

Brad Pitt’s younger brother, SLIM, is more of a stay-down-on-the-farm kinda guy:

brad pitt

Deepak Chopra’s beloved brother CHUCK has a harder time getting people to buy his self-help books:

deepak chopra

Ian McKellen’s twin brother SOUPY did a far more powerful LEAR than his brother, but got tired of acting. He retired to the humble life of darts-wrangler at a Manchester pub:

ian mackellen

Neil Gaiman’s estranged brother WHIZZER promises to make his brother’s entire oeuvre, quote, “look like total f***ing dogs**t, man,” unquote… as soon as he can get himself together and finish his own book about an interdimensional gnome-hunter named Whizzer:

neil gaiman


[** BILL corrects a terrible oversight!! ** We left out the individual below, who objected as politely as could be expected, given our unforgiveable lapse in judgment. A thousand apologies, sir! ]

Ralph Fienne’s whitepower / hip-hop loving sibling SEXmastAH Fiennes thinks his brother is a bit uncouth (“Maid in Manhattan?…oh dear…” whispers SEXmastAH, with a gentle chuckle). Despite that, he loves Ralph very much:

ralph fiennes

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