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June 24th, 2008 by Mike Nelson · 26 Comments

The other morning I received an offer for herbal Viagra (with hoodia, I think, and an extra boost of mangosteen) from a gentleman with the unlikely name of Caliphate Hoyt. I remarked to Conor that if he was going to launch that ironic alt/country alter-ego that he’s always threatening to launch he could do a lot worse than to name him Caliphate Hoyt. He countered with the delightful news that Matthew McConaughey’s brother Rooster — yes, Rooster – McConaughey had just landed his own reality show.

Rooster is, evidently, in the oil game, and has, by the looks of him, spent many, many hours partying at the Moon Tower. Since learning the transcendentally wonderful news of the existence of Rooster I have unearthed a few more formerly obscure brothers of famous people.Take, for example, Sir Anthony Hopkin’s brother Sir Culverton “Grizzly” Hopkins:
Grizzly Hopkins
And Matt Damon’s older brother “Spleef” Damon. That’s him on the right.
(Matt loves him dearly but doesn’t talk much about him.)If you discover anymore, please let me know.

**Conor Adds**


Scarlett Johansson’s half brother, Chris “iPhone” Johansson.

stomach ache

Everyone who grew up around tennis star Andy Roddick will tell you that his brother StomachAche was the one who should have made it big on the tour until an ankle injury abrubtly ended his career.

**Mike adds**

I don’t want to give short shrift to William Shatner’s brother “Spud Man” Shatner.

Spud Man 1
And Skeet Ulrich’s brother “Skeetch” Ulrich:


**Conor would also like to contribute**

conans bro

Conan’s brother, Bryan “Yule Log” O’Brien, upon hearing the news that his brother would take over the Tonight Show, commented “Aloha, ladies”

**BILL adds what he can to this vital research project:**

Brad Pitt’s younger brother, SLIM, is more of a stay-down-on-the-farm kinda guy:

brad pitt

Deepak Chopra’s beloved brother CHUCK has a harder time getting people to buy his self-help books:

deepak chopra

Ian McKellen’s twin brother SOUPY did a far more powerful LEAR than his brother, but got tired of acting. He retired to the humble life of darts-wrangler at a Manchester pub:

ian mackellen

Neil Gaiman’s estranged brother WHIZZER promises to make his brother’s entire oeuvre, quote, “look like total f***ing dogs**t, man,” unquote… as soon as he can get himself together and finish his own book about an interdimensional gnome-hunter named Whizzer:

neil gaiman


[** BILL corrects a terrible oversight!! ** We left out the individual below, who objected as politely as could be expected, given our unforgiveable lapse in judgment. A thousand apologies, sir! ]

Ralph Fienne’s whitepower / hip-hop loving sibling SEXmastAH Fiennes thinks his brother is a bit uncouth (”Maid in Manhattan?…oh dear…” whispers SEXmastAH, with a gentle chuckle). Despite that, he loves Ralph very much:

ralph fiennes

Tags: RiffTrax

26 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Tim D on Jun 24, 2008 at 8:38 am

    Chuck Woolery’s half brother Mike Nelson?

    Been there, done that?

  • 2 Courtney on Jun 24, 2008 at 8:57 am

    I get a lot of offers for herbal Viagra. Apparently I have erectile dysfunctions. I wasn’t even aware I have an erectile! You learn something new every day!

    StomachAche Roddick really needs to stop looking deep inside my soul and trying to make me fall in love with him all the time. Oh Stomach, you know it will never work betwixt us. Our love can never be. I’m in love with Jake Gyllenhaal’s half brother, this Precious Moments doll.

  • 3 To_Servo_Man on Jun 24, 2008 at 11:08 am

    Spud Man Shatner looks eerily like Jimmy Doohan, which I find not the least bit creepy.

  • 4 To_Servo_Man on Jun 24, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Also, you may be interested to know that Rooster has a son named Miller Lyte.

    You heard me.

  • 5 Courtney on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    You guys, this is very unrelated, but I just overheard someone in my office say “I just saw the cutest movie. Have you seen ‘Daddy Day Camp’?” and felt that you guys needed to know.

  • 6 Tim D on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:43 pm


  • 7 Bill Corbett on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    Yes! Jump out the window right now, if you have to… But for god’s sake Courtney, GO!

  • 8 Courtney on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    Reason #4583890273 I would gladly pick up and move to San Diego to fetch you guys coffee. Seriously. I can’t work with these people anymore. It hurts.

  • 9 Conor Lastowka on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    They said “Daddy Day Camp” and courtney thought “RiffTrax”

    Truly a monumental achievement of conditioning, me thinks

  • 10 Ben on Jun 24, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    You can’t do worse for siblings than Britney Spears’ sister, Jamie Lynn or Jessica Simpson’s sister, Ashlee.

    What do you have when you divide no talent in half?

  • 11 Bill Corbett on Jun 24, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Downright Pavlovian.

    We’re inextricably linked to DDC, for all eternity. Well done, us!

  • 12 Suzanne on Jun 24, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    You got that last pic from, didn’t you?

    BTW, tell Conor I’m waiting. In the bushes behind his house. Will pelt quarters upon his arrival.

  • 13 DoughyGuy on Jun 24, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    A gravitational vortex of extraordinary magnitude which sucks souls into a realm of never-ending pain and suffering, where the only relief is from the cleansing fires of the darkest pit of hell…

  • 14 Thom_Serveaux on Jun 24, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    something akin to ‘dividing by zero’, I’m afraid to ponder it further, in point of fact…

  • 15 RemmieBarrow on Jun 24, 2008 at 2:03 pm


  • 16 Dr. Phibes [ret.] on Jun 24, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    ‘Caliphate’ is the mineral name assigned to penis tissue that has been permanently transformed into a stone-like state when the subject has ingested too much herbal Viagra.

  • 17 Glyn on Jun 24, 2008 at 3:27 pm

    I’m just sitting here waiting for the Grime Reaper.
    Grime is Grim’s lesser known half brother that takes you to the eleventh level of Hell where there is no escape.
    Grim on the other hand is more easy going and only takes you to the seventh level where you can work your way back up.

  • 18 Gamera on Jun 24, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    My brother said he enjoyed Wild Hogs. I’m pretty sure he meant the movie, and not the animals.

  • 19 ms chii on Jun 24, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    mebbe they are trying to ride the coat tails of their more famous siblings, no? it was sooo disgusting. no wonder they are siblings.

    princess diaries would be fun to riff! DO IT! =D

  • 20 Spookette on Jun 24, 2008 at 9:52 pm

    Spud Man Shatner looks like he’s well into the third trimester…

  • 21 Alter Ego » Rooster on Jun 25, 2008 at 7:06 am

    [...] Rooster I remarked to Conor that if he was going to launch that ironic alt/country alter-ego that he’s always threatening to launch he could do a… [...]

  • 22 R.A. Roth on Jun 25, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    A cursory examination of the above photos leads me to the conclusion that Nikita Khrushchev was right in wanting to bury us.


  • 23 camcat on Jun 26, 2008 at 2:34 am

    Yes, I, too, wonder about my “erectile function”, but my favorite ad is the one that reassures me I DESERVE an enormous penis. I have always thought so myself, but usually aren’t they attached to guys? Isn’t that why God invented vibrators? Good ole BOB, my battery operated boyfriend.

  • 24 Henk on Jul 7, 2008 at 1:02 am

    Talent inversly proportional to Titty Factor (TF)

  • 25 Henk on Jul 7, 2008 at 1:05 am


  • 26 RU486 on Apr 18, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    VigRx :