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Rot in Hell, Scrabble Express Handheld Electronic Scrabble Game!

June 29th, 2008 by Mike Nelson · 30 Comments

512ERV21K2L. SL500 AA280My Scrabble Express Handheld Electronic Scrabble game and I have always had a rocky relationship. I have long wanted it to rot in hell, it refuses to. So I have reluctantly allowed it to stay around. For many years that meant it was stowed away in a box in the garage along with a broken pair of biking sunglasses and a special wrench that can only be used on something I no longer own (nor can I remember what it was.) Recently my son dragged it out again and once more its pervasive evil has crept its way, much like Uncle Ponto*, back into my life.

Just moments ago I was, as I do most times, whomping ass on the cursed little thing when it threaded into the corner, for a triple word score, mind you, the word “xyst”. This is just one of many hundreds of made up words in the Scrabble dictionary (others include xi, juga, nu, cwm and on and on), but I had never been done in by it before.

So I promise you, makers of the Scrabble Express Handheld Electronic Scrabble game, 800 million xu if you can tell me honestly that you or any other editor of the scrabble dictionary has ever heard or read a single usage of the word xyst.

So confident am I that none exist that I will not even bother to look it up.

Come on makers of the Scrabble Express Handheld Electronic Scrabble game, your 800 million xu await you (and that’s a lot of dong!)

*An evil little pointy-headed “familiar” described by one of the possessed people in the harrowing book Hostage to the Devil: The Possession and Exorcism of Five Contemporary Americans

Tags: RiffTrax

30 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Queen Shadowrama on Jun 29, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    Xyst: A long and open portico, for athletic exercises, as wrestling, running, etc., for use in winter or in stormy weather.

    Yeah, I’ve never heard of it. Any Riff fans that run or wrestle that have heard it before?

  • 2 AmandaGal on Jun 29, 2008 at 2:46 pm

    These people have:

  • 3 Barry on Jun 29, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    Maybe you’re just underachieving, but I’m pretty sure that both “on” and “on” are in the normal dictionary. Not worth very many points, though.

  • 4 justhesh on Jun 29, 2008 at 3:21 pm

    I enjoy a good Scrabulous game with a friend now and again, on Facebook. However, I’ve cursed that game myself. In a round where I was laying down lengthy 5-6 letter words with some regularity, and gaining nothing from it, my opponent continuously plops down piles of 2-3 letter grunts of words that reach the heights for 30 points a piece. As if that wasn’t horrid enough, they were always just additions to my previous attempts. So the game had devolved into the simple act of myself having the role of single-syllable-king maker.

    I felt like Luigi, laying miles and miles of illustrious pipe to no fanfare. When all of a sudden, Mario c0mes along and puts in one lousy p-trap and is rewarded with an entire princess for his efforts.

  • 5 DoughyGuy on Jun 29, 2008 at 3:21 pm

    Don’t feel bad, Mike… I’ve long proven that Scrabble-made computer/electronic products cheat like Rosie Ruiz…

    Depending on the difficulty level you set the game at, instead of choosing words based on the letters it supposedly has in its tray, it instead chooses a word of a sufficient difficulty level based upon what letters are left in the game. (You never see what letters the computer has, so how would you know if it’s cheating?) It’s a lazy programmer’s way of making a ‘challenging’ opponent for you to battle against.

    But, be careful what you wish for, or you might receive a visit from Mike’s-Scrabble-Express-Handheld-Electronic-Scrabble-Game-io, who will show you the error of your ways.

  • 6 Chris on Jun 29, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    Cwm: A valley, especially one created through glacial action.

    It’s a real Word… slap me with a fish…. !!!!!!

    Didn’t know that was a word… I don’t even know how to pronounce it…

  • 7 Andrew Hime on Jun 29, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    You’re probably playing a game that uses OSPD3, or you’d be complaining about QI and ZA.

  • 8 Russ Rogers on Jun 29, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    It’s an anagram of “STYX”!

    “Because it’s you, Babe
    Giving me the courage and the strength I need
    Please believe that it’s true.
    Babe, I love you!”

    That is the most beautiful love song to a talking pig in the history of American Top 40!

    It makes me wonder if Dennis DeYoung ever exercised in an open portico.

  • 9 Mr. Slick on Jun 29, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    How badly did u punish your son?

  • 10 RemmieBarrow on Jun 29, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    Yeah, I know how you feel. I always seem to have a love/hate relationship with small electronic devices. I am right now in a life or death struggle with my cell phone, and one of us is not going to get out of this in one piece, or alive.

  • 11 Glyn on Jun 29, 2008 at 5:31 pm

    Gee Mike,
    Like I always wrote in English class when writing a definition;
    xyst of or having to deal with xyst

  • 12 Glyn on Jun 29, 2008 at 5:33 pm

    Perhaps your unit is dyslectic and it meant Ecstasy

  • 13 Brian O. on Jun 29, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    I think you should xamine whether or not that’s axually an xact word, there are Xists, however.

  • 14 Natureboy (Ken) on Jun 29, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Is that the website announcing the release of the even more boring sequel to Myst?

  • 15 Shamalama on Jun 29, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    Cwm; pronounced [koom]…. I guess in Wales double u’s are actually double o’s!

    I read that in a bwk svmewhere a lvng time agv.

  • 16 J.R. Ewing on Jun 30, 2008 at 12:33 am

    Maybe you should have Chuck Woolery help you out with your Scrabble game?

  • 17 Dan Noutko-Kennedy on Jun 30, 2008 at 6:31 am

    This is not unlike encountering a “dirty double crosser” in a NYT Sunday crossword puzzle in particular. Of course if you’ve ever borrowed an “etui” from your “amah” while reading Melville’s “Omoo” on the Aleutian Island of “Attu” then you’ll have a much easier time of it.

  • 18 Smuttynose on Jun 30, 2008 at 6:42 am

    And there’s a special circle in Hell for the hand-held “Ask Me Anything” game that always guesses wrong, and therefore causes ennui to such a point that life begins to lose meaning.

  • 19 Ben on Jun 30, 2008 at 9:12 am

    Can you write “boobs” on it, like on a calculator?

  • 20 Ben on Jun 30, 2008 at 9:13 am

    I think if you try and kill Lord British in the game, you’ll automatically win, Mike.

  • 21 euphoriafish on Jun 30, 2008 at 10:10 am

    So this means there are now two Mike Nelsons. Lovable wisecracking Mike of MST3K/RiffTrax fame, and Scrabble addict Mike, caught in a web of electronic devilry.

    If you need a digital exorcism, I know a guy… but you’d best hurry before the scrabble game starts trying to move in with you and bring its cousins and offspring: the Play & Watch Nintendo games of the 80s, and Tiger Tech from the 90s..

  • 22 Casey on Jun 30, 2008 at 10:15 am

    I agree… things with silly names are tools of the devil to distract us from everything else in life… scrabble… soduku…. blogs…

  • 23 R.A. Roth on Jun 30, 2008 at 12:11 pm

    “I went for a light jog around the xyst overlooking the cwm, admiring the cu and xi cut deep into the classic Doric stone pillars encircling the verdant jungle of fruit bearing trees in whose vertical juga there wriggled a colony of hungry aphids lusting after the succulent meat beyond.”

    An excerpt from my new book, The Valley of Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis


  • 24 NotMerrittStone on Jun 30, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    The ‘m’ is silent.

  • 25 Dallas on Jun 30, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    Well, duh:

    “As the Acra of the Macedonians had not then been built by the Acropolis can only be meant the Temple Platform and it agrees with this that the Xyst is described by Josephus as below the Temple The assemblies of the people were commonly held in the Xyst and in one place it is said that they were called together into the great Stadium and by this expression as the usual length of the Xyst amongst the Greeks was a stadium the Xyst may be intended.”

    I mean, geez, who can’t quote that famous passage from “The Siege of Jerusalem,” by Titus Flavius Sabinus
    Vespasianus, as translated by Thomas Lewin in 1863? No offense, but if you’re not going to have even that kind of basic cultural awareness, maybe you shouldn’t be playing this sort of game.

  • 26 Kelly on Jul 1, 2008 at 8:47 am

    Hey Mike – Did you buy your Scrabble Express Handheld Electronic Scrabble game at Radio Shack, a.k.a the Portal to Hell?

    I think that would explain its inherent evil.

  • 27 euphoriafish on Jul 1, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    LOL! Agreed.

  • 28 Henk on Jul 6, 2008 at 11:15 pm


    Do you get beaten a lot? With poolcues?

  • 29 Henk on Jul 6, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    Ebonic Nerds?

  • 30 Mar on Jul 8, 2009 at 2:29 am

    I curse this machine because it speaks in strange tounges that would be damned on Sesame Street but strnagely hits the mark on a treble word score.

    However, there is a Scrabble God because for those of us who like the game may I direct you to over to the DS version which is just excellent.