“Time” in this case equalling me. Apologies.

For a reminder of what this rather odd contest was about, click here. Warning: it involves a very young, quite enraged, woman-hatin’ Joey Lawrence.

Congratulations to all contestants: you are smart, you are funny, and some of you are frightening. (Yes, I’m talking about YOU. You know who I mean. [<--- Applies to anyone who thinks it's him/her.])

I couldn't quite decide between the top two contenders, so we have double winners!

First, congrats to MATULA, who first offered an abstract, and then even an edited version of his /her essay later in the thread:

Matula on Jun 27, 2008 at 4:55 am

Abstract: The early 80s were a tumultuous time in American society. The Ronald Reagan, post-Sexual Revolution society was rapidly changing its social morals and mores, and the adjustment was difficult.

Mothers, who had frequented Studio 54 and enjoyed “pleasures of the flesh”, were now forced to divert their attentions to other vices such as cookies and ephedrine. Young girls just reaching puberty were forced show their affection in inappropriate ways by sexually harassing young boys on the playground. Young boys were forced to take up smoking and over-acting.

These issues would weigh heavily on a young Joey Hiram Lawrence III as he progressed in life. He would constantly have to tell aggressive teenage girls to stop their advances (or “Whoa”), and these affectations would scar his TV roles for the rest of life.

These issues also affected a young Svyatoslav Fyodorov who, after watching “A Very Special Blossom episode: Blossom Develops Astigmatism”, was moved to tears and developed the first Lasik procedure.

Second, a hearty well-done to HEATHER, who took care to make her entry exactly 100 words:

Heather on Jun 28, 2008 at 9:02 pm

The beginning of the drug war led to a MASSIVE demand for chocolate. As fad dieting grew more popular, women began pushing their stockpile onto children. Intimidated by the sexual revolution’s empowerment of 7 year old girls to publicly kiss whomever they wanted, Lawrence was recruited by the New Right to spread anti-feminist propaganda. Now embroiled in politics, Joey found it impossible to keep up with demands for his catchphrase and retreated into seclusion. Optometrists, feeling that the only surrogate for Lawrence’s screen presence was lasers and diamond tipped blades applied directly to the cornea, stumbled upon photorefractive keratotomy treatment.

Both were funny, insightful, and went above and beyond the call of duty (loosely defined), managing to incorporate theories of radial keratotomy to a most pleasing effect. Bravo!

Heather and Matula have proven, once again, that “trying sometimes works.” (Copyright pending.)

Nicely done, one and all. Assuming the winners haven’t shuffled off this mortal coil* while waiting for the contest results, please claim the free Rifftrax of your choice by emailing erik(at)RIFFTRAX.COM. Subject line (must be EXACT, to the tiniest bit of punctuation and spacing!): “Bill’s Horrible Abuse of Erik’s Worktime Continues. Will No One Stop Him?! …Contest.”

(* If true: while sad, arrangements can be made with the respective estates.)

*****

[UPDATE:

‘“Time” in this case equalling me. Apologies.’

So the title should actually read: “The Rifftrax Contest that Me Forgot.”

Live be lovely here on Bizarro World.]

Other posts by Bill Corbett

• The REAL reason Doc Ock hates Spider-Man.
• Natural Punic Radicchio.
• Spider-Man weeps. A lot.
• Buddy movie challenge winner announced below...
• We have a cover for our single!

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