On those rare occasions when I show people something I’ve drawn, the most common reaction I get is, “Oh, you poor thing. Was it a farm accident?” For you see, they wrongly assume that my hands must have been caught up in a tractor’s PTO and left mangled and nearly useless. (I suppose they assume, again wrongly, that I grew up on a farm because I am large and from the Midwest. And because I often wear bib overalls and battered straw hats.) But I assure you, my hands are completely functional for most common tasks such as picking up things, or say, setting things down. But when it comes to drawing, my hands tend to blow any good will I may have had for them. Let me give you an example.
Here is a picture I drew of a guy:
Obviously, it is a deeply troubling picture and it makes one doubt the existence of a loving God. What happened to this poor man’s ears? Were they accidentally deep fried? And the bags under his eyes—has he ever slept? His hair was obviously cut with a router, and those thin, meatless lips and wide, deeply haunted eyes suggest that he has, for many nights now, been visited by some timeless demon of a very high rank.
Yes, I should have stopped there. Stopped drawing forever, is what I mean. But I didn’t. I went on to add a body, thusly:
There is no language strong enough to describe the horror depicted here. But let me offer an explanation if I could. I suppose I thought it would be “funny” to draw him in his underpants, “underpants” being such a funny item of clothing and all. But something went wrong, obviously. Because I am wholly without talent, what should have been a jolly picture of a goofy guy in his underpants turned out to be an emaciated thug with disturbing man breasts and, so it appears, a chunk of jagged galvanized metal protruding from his shoulder. I am sorry.
Exhibit C, this picture I drew of a woman:
Is this really what I think women look like? Wide-eyed, pig-nosed horrors with thick, prickly strands of hair that emanate only from one central location on the top of the skull? And look what happens when I try to draw the somewhat more complex body of a woman:
I know. It looks like Bobby Riggs dressed up like Marlo Thomas and suffered severe trauma to his shins, only after running his arms down a power planer. Once again, I’m sorry.
I cope no better with animals. Just try to guess what this is:
Most of you said “monkeypig,” right? Well, no. It’s not a monkeypig. It’s supposed to be a dog. “Fair enough,” you say, “then why is it holding a scimitar in its disfigured right rear paw?” Well, now I think you’re just teasing me, ’cause that’s clearly supposed to be his tail.
Let’s move on to a simpler animal:
Yes, it’s the common bee. Wearing what appear to be tiny clogs. And someone has captured it, pushed a miniature meerschaum pipe into its head and released it back into the wild, I suppose for the purpose of finding out just what happens to a clog-wearing bee if you capture it, push a miniature meerschaum pipe into its head and release it. One thing it doesn’t do is fly, not with those wings mounted ninety degrees off kilter on its body.
Yes, the evidence clearly shows what I have long suspected. That I just don’t remember the farm accident that left my hands mangled and nearly useless.
*But they’re not yours, they are my own. People are constantly approaching me trying to take my hands, making wild claims that they don’t belong to me. I do wish you all would stop it. They are, again, not your hands, but mine. Thank you.
[BTW, I wrote this a long time ago. I just found it on my hard drive. I hope that doesn’t detract from your being able to feel superior to me due to the fact that I can’t draw.]
*****
UPDATE by Bill: Please excuse Mike’s strange obsession with drawing H.R. Haldeman in his tightie-whities.
We’re trying to get him some help.
UPDATE 2 by Bill: OR is it…?
(on the left — the more sophisticated chap)
UPDATE 3 by Bill: By the way, Mike — give me back my damned hands. What the hell is your deal, man? I mean —
(rereads post)
…Sorry, never mind.
48 responses so far ↓
1 Ben on Jul 17, 2008 at 9:35 am
I don’t know what to say to this, Mike. Quoting Jewel lyrics is disturbing enough in itself, but the artwork is somewhere in the range of Dr. Phibes, Hannibal Lector and early Walt Disney. The really most disturbing realization is that you draw better than I do and I hate you for that.
I really spent too much time drawing dive bombers blowing up my school and not enough drawing people who didn’t resemble classic stick figures. Ah, misspent youth.
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2 andrew on Jul 17, 2008 at 9:43 am
Throw in some kicky, winged headgear, and full-body-underpants-guy could be a sibling to the creature supposedly seen in the Kelly-Hopkinsville encounter.
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3 Brian O. on Jul 17, 2008 at 9:55 am
Wow Mike, if you handed these in to MTV, you could have gotten Mike Judge’s time slot.
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4 Smuttynose on Jul 17, 2008 at 9:58 am
Oh Man, “MonkeyPig” Rocks! They are like sooooo my favorite band right now! Dude!
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Reply from Smuttynose on July 17, 2008:
Oh my word it happens to be a real band. God help us all.
5 Smuttynose on Jul 17, 2008 at 9:59 am
Ooh! The chick is showing nipple!
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Reply from Ben on July 17, 2008:
Yeah, I blocked that out of my memory scrolling down the page. If someone held that up at an image association test, I’d say: “Peppermint Patty as a cheerleader trying to get out of a speeding ticket.”
Reply from Mike Nelson on July 17, 2008:
That was an ink spot from the scanner! I swear!
I don’t draw… you know… the lady things you mentioned.
Reply from Rob III on July 18, 2008:
Yeah, wardrobe malfunction big time.
6 Katie M. on Jul 17, 2008 at 10:19 am
Oh dear…..Mike, I must confess, but before I started actually reading the text of this blog, I thought that first drawing was a self-portrait.
But then I scrolled down to the full-figure in his tighty-whities, and then I was sure of it.
Don’t hit me.
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Reply from euphoriafish on July 17, 2008:
I thought it might be a self-portrait too! See, Mike? You *can* draw!
I really like the single sock he’s wearing. That’s a really revealing detail there.
7 Russ Rogers on Jul 17, 2008 at 10:23 am
Don’t let your “James Thurber on Red Bull” drawing style bring you down. In the end only kindness matters.
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Reply from euphoriafish on July 18, 2008:
That is the best description of Mike’s drawing style in all of these comments
8 Rob on Jul 17, 2008 at 10:40 am
You’re already about as good as 50% of the webcomic artists out there. Throw in some video game references and find a t-shirt vendor and you’re good to go!
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9 Onil on Jul 17, 2008 at 10:41 am
Your Mr. Tidy Whitey has sporks for hands.
You’re creepy. Not quite clown portrait painting creepy…yet.
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10 R.A. Roth on Jul 17, 2008 at 10:42 am
Perfect likenesses of my mom and dad. And the therapy is going swimmingly, thank you for asking.
Randy
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11 JT on Jul 17, 2008 at 11:02 am
When I came to the word “monkey-pig”, it make me snort and blow a snot bubble.
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12 MikeP on Jul 17, 2008 at 11:15 am
You can dissemble all you want Mike, but most of us dedicated fans know that you were once a budding phenom in painting before that fateful day at the World Pictionary Championships… All that blood… and underpants…
It’s no wonder you’ve repressed your talent.
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13 Botchinator on Jul 17, 2008 at 11:26 am
Just title everything you draw as “from the perspective of a mental patient” or “Jeffy the elephant drew..”
You don’t have to out yourself with every short coming. You don’t have to tell everyone about it, your self esteem may not feel any better but there won’t be so many of us who point and laugh at you.
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14 Ben on Jul 17, 2008 at 11:28 am
Was that supposed to be H.R. Haldeman? I thought maybe Mike was obsessed with Alan Shepard.
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15 SecretIdentityCrisis on Jul 17, 2008 at 11:30 am
With all that talent, why are you wasting all your time doing movie riffs? You should be sitting by the beach with a sketchpad doing caricatures for $100 a piece.
I’m curious if there was an initial intention behind these drawings, or if they were just random doodles.
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16 Jer on Jul 17, 2008 at 11:49 am
these remind me of some of my own, less disturbing (yet somehow still troubling) drawings…
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=25022&l=52f0d&id=505579491
i go for simplicity when it comes to dogs…if i try to go for realism, it usually takes a turn for the worse.
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Reply from Mike Nelson on July 17, 2008:
Nice, but MORE UNDERPANTS!
Reply from Tom S on July 17, 2008:
Well there’s something you don’t hear all that often
17 unityofeffect on Jul 17, 2008 at 12:02 pm
My response when I first saw Mike’s bee picture (see 0:14) http://youtube.com/watch?v=pL6RLKlly2Y
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18 Ninjew on Jul 17, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Yes, those are indeed small hands.
Certainly not as BigHands as Timmy…
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Reply from Adam on July 17, 2008:
Man…I was scrolling down the comments, thinking I’d be the first one to point out how he remembered this very this piece from TimmyBigHands, and I got beat right near the bottom.
I’m disappointed.
On the internet.
Reply from Adam on July 17, 2008:
“This very this piece”?
::sigh::
I’m also stupid.
Again, on the internet.
19 Mr. Slick on Jul 17, 2008 at 1:00 pm
That’s a good picture of Jim Carrey from “Me, Myself & Irene.” Infact that female DOES look like Renée Zellweger now that I think about it.
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20 RemmieBarrow on Jul 17, 2008 at 1:33 pm
You could have at least drawn that guy some pants.
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Reply from RemmieBarrow on July 17, 2008:
Oh, and that does look like a monkey-pig…with a little cat put in for good measure.
Reply from euphoriafish on July 17, 2008:
Add a ring on its nose, and it’s a chicatibbaoxkeyig.
21 Queen Shadowrama on Jul 17, 2008 at 2:05 pm
All I’m wondering is why Tighty Whities Man only has one sock, and why said sock has varicose veins…
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22 Danni on Jul 17, 2008 at 2:21 pm
So which is it? H.R. Haldeman or Sgt. Carter?
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23 Matt on Jul 17, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Mike,
If it’s any consolation, I think those are at least on par with John Lennon’s illustrations for ‘A Spaniard in the Works’.
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24 chrismartindeed on Jul 17, 2008 at 3:12 pm
As an periodically accomplished artist, I urge you not to give up drawing, Mr. Nelson.
The only true standard for failure would be your inability to illustrate Blinky the Reindeer from that old comic book ad.
Unless, of course, that sketch of a fox-pig-cat was SUPPOSED to be a reindeer.
In which case, better give the crayons back to your kids.
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25 Michaela on Jul 17, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Mike, I adore you. These drawings are amazing, but your commentary is even better.
Do you by any chance remember the caricature you did of Kevin with the giant forehead? It appeared on one of the “Making Of MST3k” clips…
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26 Leslie on Jul 17, 2008 at 4:28 pm
When I saw the first drawing, I assumed it was Sgt Carter…but turns out it’s just an unfortunate man who appears to have some Elephant man type syndrome, for his head is severely larger then it ought to be.
I liked the drawings, especially the bee. It’s really pleasant and harmless looking.
And of course your commentary, Mike, had me spewing my lemonade all over my computer screen in a fit of laughter. You may not be a brilliant artist, but you are a brilliant writer so don’t feel too bad…
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27 Shawn on Jul 17, 2008 at 5:30 pm
This was one of my favorites! Not that your current writing isn’t as good as “thee old-den dayes”, but I’ve been wishing I could re-read those old TBH bits for a while. Is there any reason more of these couldn’t be re-run here on the RT blog now? It would please me.
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28 Courtney on Jul 17, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Mike, if I could tell the world just one thing, it would be, your drawings are all okay. So don’t worry, ’cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.
*cough* Sorry. I was at Lilith. Sometimes that takes over.
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29 Gerald Shields on Jul 17, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Mike, you can’t draw man!
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30 justhesh on Jul 17, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Man, this made me laugh so much. I don’t know where it came from, or what it wants with our planet, but it’s pure comedy magnesium.
p.s.
“And because I often wear bib overalls and battered straw hats.”
You don’t give NO matches to Mikey!
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31 Mario "Asteroid" Panighetti on Jul 17, 2008 at 9:48 pm
A point in favor of the bee: you can at least tell it’s a bee. I’d consider that an accomplishment!
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32 Brian O. on Jul 17, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Even though it’s off topic, I want to thank and congratulate you guys for releasing The Forbidden Zone. My only copy is a rip from VHS (and before that, a copy from VHS on tape), but I’ve been waiting eagerly for a release such as this.
In return, I present to you and anyone not “in the know” with one of, if not the first appearences of The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo, on the venerated Gong Show of ancient times past:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vTRd1a5MVMw
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33 euphoriafish on Jul 17, 2008 at 11:16 pm
You should take comfort in knowing that you at least progressed beyond scribbling and reached the stage of symbolism with some limited storytelling and realism, which is where most people stop with their art.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_art
That makes you a competent artist in my book.
Also, art is so very many things and realism is only one subgenre. This lady apparently makes money from her paintings, and they are anything but realistic: http://www.thekennygallery.ie/artists/collinsnell/
There’s also naive art, neoprimitivism, and outsider art or art brut if you’ve completely lost your mind. Going mad always helps: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outsider_Art
If you can cash in on MST3K celebrity status and get your doodles shown in a gallery, I’ll gladly jump for them! (Explanation of previous sentence: http://jumpinginartmuseums.blogspot.com/ )
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34 Derek Martz on Jul 18, 2008 at 4:54 am
Best. Post. Ever.
We love you and your tiny, skilless hands, Mike.
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35 Vin on Jul 18, 2008 at 5:05 am
Dugg for its awesomeness:
http://digg.com/comedy/These_Hands_Are_Small_I_Know
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36 Yoggie on Jul 18, 2008 at 10:28 am
Just four words… Manos: Hands of Fate
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