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Which of these Star Wars Handmaidens is not like the others?

August 14th, 2008 by Conor Lastowka · 24 Comments


With the world abuzz about the direct to video Star Wars movie coming out this weekend, I thought it appropriate to pay a visit to wookiepedia and research minutae about Star Wars.  It turns out that all of the queens handmaidens have names, even though they don’t matter and you don’t care.  Here is the complete list, anything stand out?


Yes, Brianna, the “and the rest” of the Queen’s handmaidens.  Not issued an accented ‘e’ at birth, she was doomed to a failed life. This quote from the Handmaiden Sisters of Atris* speaks volumes:

“She has always brought shame upon us. In terms of combat, she is the least among us. Her stance always had too much passion about it.”

So to sum up:

-Her combat = brings shame.
-Her stance = too passionate.
-Her name = jarring when reciting the whole list of Queen’s handmaidens, (aka the “Doc” effect).

Brianna – She’s the total package!

*I have no idea what this is

Tags: RiffTrax · people conor will see in hell

24 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Hugh on Aug 14, 2008 at 11:22 am

    Conor, I hate to break it to you, but Brianna existed almost 4000 years before Padme was even born. She’s from a totally different era, namely the era depicted in the video game Knights of the Old Republic II. Thus, not one of the queen’s handmaidens, but indeed a handmaiden.

    Stop looking at me like that.

  • 2 Triangle O. Daver on Aug 14, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    direct to video ?

  • 3 Invisible Cracker Mom on Aug 14, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Don’t forget “Fume’ ” and “Flambe’ “. Of course, they were mostly consigned to the kitchen. And they didn’t smell as pretty as the others.
    The dry-cleaning bill for all of that orange velvet must have been massive.

  • 4 Conor Lastowka on Aug 14, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    Sorry, I meant “crappy”

  • 5 Desiree Fawn on Aug 14, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    Oh snap.

  • 6 Rob T Firefly on Aug 14, 2008 at 3:07 pm

    I have one thing to say:
    Sashé, Shanté.
    Shanté. Shanté.
    Shanté, Shanté, Shanté.

  • 7 Kyle on Aug 14, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    I saw a sign outside of a local movie theater that said “Midnight Showing of The Clone Wars!” I felt bad that they’d be staying open so late for maybe two people.

  • 8 Hugh on Aug 14, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Sorry. The truth must be told.

  • 9 David TC on Aug 14, 2008 at 4:26 pm

    Oh how droll Mr. Binx, however, I can’t help but think that your time might be somewhat better spent evaluating the relative merits of a certain commemorative unit of exchange.

    My lord in heaven above, can’t you see what your doing to Suzy with this dereliction of your responsibilities? Or do you so delight in the suffering of a fellow human, that you deliberately withhold the outcome of your fiendish little tourney?

  • 10 David TC on Aug 14, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    oops, you’re not your, curses!

  • 11 karen on Aug 14, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    i liked the star wars movies for the action and humor(toungue in cheek) NOT the endless mind numbing names of people invovled. bo-ring!

  • 12 Avy on Aug 14, 2008 at 6:06 pm

    Must have just gotten lazy after a while, or something… O.o

    Either way, this should definitely not be associated with the original trilogy. It all went steeply downhill after Episode One. X_X

  • 13 fanboy3445 on Aug 14, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    Right on, Hugh…I’ll admit as well I have maybe a bit too much knowledge regarding the handmaidens of Padme Naberrie, but perhaps I should leave the comments to more accomplished aficionados.

    If you’ll pardon me, I have to go re-read my SW: E1 Queen Amidala Journal. Oh God, I wish I was kidding…

  • 14 NavarezElectro on Aug 14, 2008 at 8:14 pm

    George Lucas has multi-millions worth of technology and staff trained to expertly produce “trompe l’oeil” beings of all kinds and descriptions, and their accompanying environs. He touts this ability, dismissing those so-called purists who long for the days of stop-motion and Muppetry. Fine. Then why produce a product in which the characters are rendered so hideously? Is he worried that if he unleashes all of his CG powers that we movie-going mortals will confuse them with living creatures and mass panic from inferred insanity will result?
    Maybe it was easier and cheaper for the factories of the East to produce action figures et al that resemble these monstrosities.
    Sorry, guys. I used to love Star Wars… I guess I still do.

  • 15 Neb on Aug 14, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    I’m just glad the handmaiden pictured is CGI, because HOLY COW…can you imagine trying to babe-fu your way through a skirmish with those outlandish gazongers? Hope she has a CGI 1/4″ steel boned undergarment in there somewhere.

  • 16 MST3Kelly on Aug 14, 2008 at 9:32 pm

    wonder how many Lucas CG modelers would volunteer for bra construction division?
    or for that matter, codpiece rendering?

    wow. we’ve entered a really weird area, here.

  • 17 Kleenex on Aug 15, 2008 at 6:22 am

    Brianna?? More handmaiden names from the Old Republic era include Ashley, Savanna, Sierra, Moesha and of course, Posh Spice.

  • 18 mooshakes on Aug 15, 2008 at 9:05 am

    I appreciate the star wars and all, but you guys are slipping from this blogs purpose. Maybe you need this to keep you focused -

  • 19 Tom on Aug 15, 2008 at 10:12 am

    Hmmmmm….“She has always brought shame upon us. In terms of combat, she is the least among us. Her stance always had too much passion about it.”

    Is that the Naboo way of saying she was a skank? Always ready for some Jedi party action?

  • 20 NavarezElectro on Aug 15, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    “Direct to crap”

  • 21 Geoff on Aug 16, 2008 at 10:11 am

    The funny part is, this (as said before) is from KOTOR II, when the KOTOR series is probably the best thing to come out of the Star Wars series since the original trilogy.

  • 22 Skenderberg on Aug 18, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Brianna’s actually an interesting character from a decent video game… probably because she was invented by people with only the vaguest of connections to George Lucas.

  • 23 Thom_Serveaux on Aug 18, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    I’m probably only saying this because I’m not the least bit familiar w/ the KOTOR part of the franchise, nbut Brianna kinda reminds me of Dark Horse Comics ‘The Ghost’…

  • 24 MSTJedi on Aug 20, 2008 at 8:57 am

    In the wake of the prequels, I’m glad for KOTOR, because otherwise I’d be one deeply disappointed fanboy. I’m hoping The Force Unleashed will be at least on par with the Jedi Knight series.