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The Cheese-Time Continuum

August 30th, 2008 by · 84 Comments

As a child I suffered through a series of recurring nightmares during which a small blob of congealed milk fat with matchstick legs and a hideous carrot-like nose would dance horribly and sing songs lauding cheese. With the aid of recently-developed nightmare capturing software, I am able to recreate them for your enjoyment.

Why? Why “Timer”? What, I beg of you, is the connection between cheese and time? Doesn’t every snack (e.g. Combos, jerky, fried crickets) exist in time? Cheese, as far as I can see, has no special claim in this regard — so again, why Timer?

What? Put ice cubes in a bowl and add cauliflower, celery sticks stuffed with cheese? How is that accomplished? Then add olives? What the hell is the result, and is it even conceivable that a kid would eat it? Should eating it even be attempted by anyone of any age? Do you eat the ice cubes, too? What is this?

OH, GOD, HE’S INSIDE ME NOW!

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