Folks, success in Hollywood is not as much a matter of blind luck and cult membership as some people would like to think. Regarding the seemingly mercurial nature of the box office, screenwriting legend William Goldman famously postulated, “Nobody knows anything.”
Mr. Goldman needs a primer in Rogenomics.
Simply stated, Rogenomics serves to express the apparent vicissitudes of Hollywood as a function of the interaction of certain foundational elements including and in relation to, but not limited to, Seth Rogen. These elements, interacting with – and sometimes against – each other, are subtle yet universal forces, which taken as a whole embody a system for explaining succinctly why a film as seemingly worthless as, say, Superbad is actually the monolithic model of the future. Let’s explain it in simple Rogenomic terms. First principles:
Essentially, that Seth Rogen is Money; as a medium of exchange and a storehouse of value, the two are interchangeable. This is the most fundamental statement of pure Rogenomics. But before we scrap the Federal Reserve and convert to a Rogen Standard, you should know that many consider Pure Rogenomics to be dangerously oversimplified; to that end I’m a student of the Aptovian School, based on this constant:
In which x equals anything Judd Apatow touches, not limited to the inclusion of, nor diminished by the absence of, Seth Rogen. Perhaps it’s an oversimplification, but the Apatovian School (and its Sandlerian and Ferrellian counterparts) would dispute the truth of “Rogen equals Money,” without Apatow, especially over time, expressed thusly:
Within the Aptovian Rogenomic discipline, then, we can confidently use these elements to predict the future. Take for example the upcoming movie The Green Hornet, in which Seth Rogen is playing the shadowy limo-riding superhero. For this role, Rogen has slimmed down, muscled up and attempted to shed his elemental schlubness – patently self-contradictory, and about as likely as water shedding its “hydrogen-ness.” Here’s what happens when we formulate these components as a statement of Rogenomics:
Absent schlubness and Apatovity, Seth will always become Robert Wuhl; therefore the movie is doomed to failure. However, put Seth back on the lard-and-donut diet, and hire on Judd Apatow, and it projects like this:
Perhaps the Green Hornet is a belching, hapless cowardly pervert, without a single virtue, yet who is allowed to French-kiss the likes of Jessica Alba. Perhaps he’s a late-stage wino who staggers around town in his underpants. He could be a skin-popping mass murderer who dresses in Nazi drag and sings Charles Manson’s folk songs – the point is that it doesn’t matter. This solution will produce consistently positive results every time; the rest is just window dressing.
Next time we’ll discuss the exciting new developments in Rogenomics, particularly the introduction of Jonah Hill as a null integer, a Rogenomic cypher if you will, able to occupy a place in any equation without affecting the outcome. In the meantime, a quick look at the simple non-Apatovian exception that earned Rogenomics the attention of the Nobel Committee: