49 responses so far ↓

• 1 Ariel on Sep 12, 2008 at 9:24 am

  BACON! ALL THE BACON YOU CAN EAT!
  (Thats why he’s so happy!)

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  Reply from Hugh on September 12, 2008:

  Actually, the woman behind him is wearing bacon underwear. So, technically, yes.

• 2 Walter on Sep 12, 2008 at 9:42 am

  Few actors can really measure up the work of Joey “the pants” Pants. Whether he is chasing an escaped convict, (NOTICE I DID NOT SAY FUGITIVE), being an evil guy that sells out Keanu, or taking advantage of a guy with short term memory loss, WE LOVE PANTS! Even though he voiced a dog in a certain movie featuring talking animals, and was in a certain TV show version of a movie featuring Sean Connery, we still love him. So Happy Birthday JP, from me and all of the other Pantsaholics out there.

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  Reply from Walter on September 12, 2008:

  Oh, I just now figured out the instructions, and I did just the opposite. I’ll try again later.

• 3 Scott on Sep 12, 2008 at 9:44 am

  Much like the Highlander, there can truly be but one Joey Pants. Natural Enemy to poor acting performances, Mr. Pants is a thespian of the highest quality. Indeed, Mr. Pants is Second Best to no other actor. Mr. Pants uses the silver screen as a Canvas to paint his masterful works of art. I don’t think that there could be A Better Way to Die then to be watching a Joey Pant’s movie as the in-flight movie as the plane you were on went down in flames.

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• 4 Krud on Sep 12, 2008 at 9:45 am

  On this Majestic day, I hereby issue forth A Call For Help in praising that cinematic Daredevil Joey Pants, easily one of The Second Best Forces of Nature that the Moguls of Tinseltown have ever used on their movie Canvas. I personally can’t think of A Better Way To Die, in either this life or The Life Before This one, then to offer up my New Blood as a Memento to the glorious Mr. Pants.

  Let us… sing the praises of Pants.

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• 5 Casey on Sep 12, 2008 at 9:45 am

  “May God have mercy on your souls.”

  I am glad that was thrown into the post because I genuinely feel that what it takes to win this contest would absolutely put your soul in jeopardy.

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• 6 andrew t on Sep 12, 2008 at 10:09 am

  Let us now praise famous pants. Joey, that is. He forms the gridlines of the matrix of what makes tinseltown great. Even the monsignor at my church, not mention my rock’n’roll mom, love the guy. Bound to no man, the Pantster towers above all other thespians like majestic Amazon women on the moon. The idolmaker truly broke the mold when making Josephus Pantalones. If you disagree with my assessment of his brilliance, I must tell you I am ready to rumble, and will likely take your life as a memento of our heated disagreement. Could there be a better way to die? Some may say the answer to this question is not black and white, but as long as the taxman keeps U.S. marshals paid, as long as hoods are fighting their natural enemy, as long as bad boys are on top of the world, Joey Pants will remain one of the awesomest forces of nature.

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• 7 Veronica on Sep 12, 2008 at 10:15 am

  Joey Pants makes me want to give up all the earthly treasures I’ve ever known, move into a hut deep in the Tibetan mountains, and make a shrine to his transplendence.

  My family will try to contact me, and say things to get me to attend Thanksgiving at Frannie’s house, even beg me to get a TracPhone because it’s only $15 and are readily available at all Walgreen’s …

  but only Monsieur Pants has meaning! Only he can show us the way to true happiness!

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• 8 JoshWay on Sep 12, 2008 at 10:26 am

  Related image

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• 9 Smuttynose on Sep 12, 2008 at 10:34 am

  Who doesn’t love the PantsmeisterFor Pete’s Sake? As a brilliant character actor, Joey is considered The Last of the Finest“Hoods” around! And his <Majesticubiquitous chapeau hints that he’s always ready for The Pleasure of Your Company, and that you may become More Than Friendsfor a Short Time even if you are an Unknown!

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• 10 Smuttynose on Sep 12, 2008 at 10:40 am

  Ok, try again with the HTML:
  Who doesn’t love the Pantsmeister For Pete’s Sake? As a brilliant character actor, Joey is considered The Last of the Finest “Hoods” around! And his Majestic ubiquitous chapeau hints that he’s always ready for The Pleasure of Your Company, and that you may become More Than Friends for a Short Time even if you are an Unknown!

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• 11 Velcronix on Sep 12, 2008 at 11:53 am

  Joey, you Used People to get to The Top of the World in a Short Time, and you were once better known as The Fugitive Running Scared from the Taxman through the jungles of the Congo. Despite this, The Pleasure of Your Company is still only Second Best to that of the Robot in the Family. The In Crowd just wasn’t your thing. You knew The Immortals of Tinseltown were Bad Boys with sleazy Backstreet Dreams, and that there was A Better Way to Die than in The Squeeze of The Idolmaker. That’s why you’re The Last of the Finest.

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• 12 Tv Miller on Sep 12, 2008 at 12:02 pm

  I was fourteen, running scared through downtown in the mean season with the bad boys. It was risky business being out here with backstreet dreams on a midnight run all to be with the in crowd and I knew these goonies didn’t have the last word but with the destination America, you only had two options, being used people or on top of the world. In Fall 96′, forces of nature bound me to a life before this and sheer fate, a call for help and Mr. Pants saved me. He is the last of the finest my friends.

  God Bless and Happy Birthday Mr. Pants.

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  Reply from Tv Miller on September 12, 2008:

  Wait…I was thinking about Clint Howard. My bad.

• 13 Sasha on Sep 12, 2008 at 1:00 pm

  What pair of legs does it take to fill such spectacular Pants? I will tell you. Joey “the Taxman” Pants makes all the other so-called Bad Boys of Tinseltown look like a bunch of Fugitive Goonies. His Majestic legs are always Ready to Rumble with the Forces of Nature like a Hercules amongst Perfect Opposites, and break into a Midnight Run to Marshal that One Special Victory: great acting. He has always pushed his Matrix of showmanship to the Outer Limits, beyond Black and White, beyond even the Empire of the Sun or the Amazon Women on the Moon, and remains the Last Word in today’s thespians. It would take a Dangerous Heart, possibly seeing
  Through the Eyes of a Killer, to pursue such Risky
  Business as trying to M*A*S*H* the Last of the Finest, Joey “El Diablo” Pants.

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• 14 Doug on Sep 12, 2008 at 1:01 pm

  Comes now, Joey Pants, second best to no man. His exploits are the stuff of legend. Never one to be bound to the rules of mere mortal man. Joey Pants is a force of nature, bedding a cavalcade of calendar girls- loving them the way only he can.

  But while he shames the immortals with his majestic beauty, he’s gracious. Oh Joey Pants will love your woman, and love her well- she will be his canvas on which to paint his love. But once your woman has been loved by Joey Pants, she has been given everything she’ll ever need.

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• 15 Tim on Sep 12, 2008 at 1:13 pm

  For Pete’s sake, we are bound by forces of nature to celebrate this; the birthday of Monsignor Joseph Pants. Joe spends his time looking at Teresa’s tatoo through the eyes of a killer, and though hoods and bad boys often have Joe running scared through downtown Los Angeles, Joe finds himself part of the “in” crowd in majestic Tinseltown. Joe has attributed his success to his rock ‘n’ roll mom, who lovingly gave Joe a normal upbringing, despite the presence of a robot in the family.

  We are more than friends. Happy Birthday, Joey Pants, the last of the finest!

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• 16 Charlie W on Sep 12, 2008 at 1:32 pm

  Joeseph Pants, the cooker of bacon in Black and White as well as color, shall celebrate his birth. Being one of The Immortals of our planet this is a festive holiday in The Matrix of our lives. Me and the Kid will be celebrating by making a Midnight Run to the store and cooking bacon.

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• 17 Tom on Sep 12, 2008 at 1:42 pm

  Mr. Pants career is a series of amazing stories. One could say acting is a risky business, not so with Mr. Pants as for actors he is truly one of the immortals. As you can see above he is on top of the world bound by a matrix of lovely women, taking them for his babys day out. The moguls know with JP on the job no effort will be second best. Yessir, this man’s career has racing stripes!

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• 18 justhesh on Sep 12, 2008 at 1:53 pm

  I would go DOWNTOWN on Joey’s PANTS.

  That’s all I’ve got.

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• 19 Annie on Sep 12, 2008 at 6:57 pm

  How to describe my love for Joey Pants, that daredevil? Everything before was black and white. It’s like I have been filled with new blood. Now, I’m at the top of the world. The way I was before I saw my first Pants movie, it was like there was a robot in the family. From here to eternity, that’s the last word.

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• 20 Ryan on Sep 12, 2008 at 7:17 pm

  Wow, the same birthday as me! Cool!

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  Reply from Bill Corbett on September 12, 2008:

  Happy birthday to Ryan, too!

  Ryan contest to follow!

  Reply from Mr. Slick on September 12, 2008:

  Ryan to is a great Humantitarian and a great American! He was born… I give up, sorry Ryan I’ll practice for next year.

  Reply from Triangle O. Daver on September 12, 2008:

  Here’s my Ryan entry:

  Ryan is a Homegrown Company Man with Five Fingers. He may seem to have Cruel Intentions, but he’s Playing by Heart. I Know What You Did Last Summer, Ryan, but The I Inside won’t Breach our silent contract. I’d let you Crash on my couch 54 times, but you live Nowhere near me. When Chaos reigns, Ryan will be certainly be the Last Battle Dreamer.

  …You are Ryan Phillippe, right?

• 21 Mr. Slick on Sep 12, 2008 at 9:19 pm

  Let’s not be short about Pants.
  Joey was born Pluto Nash Sept 12, 1951. Fearing lawsuits from the Disney corporation he changed his name to Joe Pantoliano to cash in on the whole Italian ethnic niche that was forming in Hollywood. Joey was one of the many Bad Boys of Hollywood and was always Ready To Rumble just to see his name printed in Black and White in the papers. In his later years Joey mellowed out and even donated his time and money to the U.S. Marshals office.
  Now a days Joey can be found relaxing with his Cats & Dogs painting Racing Stripes on his 1977 Ford Pinto.
  Joey is a great American and a great humanitarian and thus deserves our respect:
  Heres to you Joey Pants, one of the good ones!

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• 22 AndrooGee on Sep 12, 2008 at 9:20 pm

  I’m on top of the world! Only one thing could make me feel this way. It’s the first and last word in the dictionary of my heart. I speak, of course, of lust. I’m talking about el diablo atractivo Monsignor Pants! My backstrreet dream is to be his main squeeze… This guy’s so sexy he could be a calendar girl. You’d have to have a robot in the family tree not to swoon! I used to avoid bad boys, but J-Pants has shown me that I can like bad boys, too. He won one special victory… over my heart.

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• 23 Triangle O. Daver on Sep 12, 2008 at 9:37 pm

  Joey Pants may seem like an Unknown Majestic Silver Man, but he’s Bound to be on Top of the World someday. Me and the Kid went on a Midnight Run Downtown a Short Time ago — Spring Break ‘83, I believe — and I saw Joey Pants on an old Black and White television set. I wish I could be More Than Friends with Joey Pants. Even Bad Boys need to make A Call for Help when the Pants is Ready to Rumble. For Pete’s Sake, Mr. Pants, The Life Before This was meaningless without The Pleasure of Your Company.

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• 24 trumpysmagicsnout on Sep 13, 2008 at 4:29 am

  According to Jenna Fischer on the Lollilove commentary, Joey Pants tried to get it on with her when she first moved to Hollywood. The man has impeccable taste.

  That is all.

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  Reply from Walter on September 13, 2008:

  What’s Lollilove?

  Reply from trumpysmagicsnout on September 16, 2008:

  A film Fischer wrote and directed years ago.

• 25 Walter on Sep 13, 2008 at 8:21 am

  This is my real entry that actually follows the rules (see comment 2).

  Movie titles are in all caps.

  We love Joey. He is one those USED PEOPLE who we can’t take our eyes off. Yesterday was “the Pant’s” birthday, so I thought I would say a few words to honor him and his cap. This Italian American HERCULES, has said on more than one occasion some witty phrase which I am too tired to come up with. Some might compare his life to that of a FUGITIVE, but I would say he is more of a god. He is a smart guy who always get the LAST WORD. But his life was not with out trouble. He was charged with GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 times before he turned nine. But thanks to some quick foot-work by his lawyer, all charges were dropped. so Happy Birthday Pants. Here is looking to many other films to come.

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• 26 wes on Sep 13, 2008 at 9:56 am

  I closed my eyes and thought of Joey Pants and it gave me the Goonies. I imagined The Matrix of his fingers wrapped around my Bad Boys felt like Risky Business, but it was One Special Victory for A Piece of My Heart.

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• 27 Enron Hubbard on Sep 13, 2008 at 11:33 am

  Pants!
  (Sung to the tune of Pants!)

  (chorus) Pants! Pants! Sing the praises of Pants!

  Friend, you’re walking the EZ STREETS when you’re walking with Joey P!

  (repeat chorus)

  He’s the LAST OF THE FINEST. He should really be called “your Highness! Pants!

  (repeat chorus)

  Bill would be on TOP OF THE WORLD if he was Joey’s girl!

  (repeat chorus)

  (spoken) That’s right ladies and gentlemen, join THE IN CROWD and put THE SQUEEZE on huggable Joey Pants today!

  Who is never SECOND BEST? Pants!
  Who, among THE IMMORTALS puts hair on your chest? Pants!
  FOR PETE’S SAKE, who gives life it’s zest? Pants!
  (You can say *that* again!)

  Signed,
  Deep Hurting

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• 28 Brenda Arcane on Sep 13, 2008 at 7:02 pm

  Sing in me Muse the virtue of the MAJESTIC Joey Pants.
  Could A BETTER WAY TO DIE be found than to breathe one’s final shudder in his illuminating presence, before the medical examiner wraps you in CANVAS and gurneys you out of the I-Max theatre?
  Ah Muse, one who would believe Joey Pants SECOND BEST to any other soul is naive to the DECEIT of the shadows in Plato’s Cave.

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  Reply from Heather on September 13, 2008:

  Kudos on subtly comparing Joey Pants to Odysseus with that opening line, there.

• 29 Heather on Sep 13, 2008 at 9:19 pm

  I sing of Pants and the Joey, who wears the name with such grace and precision.
  The Last Word in modesty and virtue,
  Engaging in the Risky Business of lobbying the GOP on behalf of the insane.
  Fellows, think me not The Idolmaker, worshipping a golden calf.
  No! Joey Pants is the Silver Man! It’s a completely different transition metal and taxonomic order!
  At a tip of his trademark cap, the laws of gravity reverse, and I begin Falling Up.
  Bad Boys, where be thy roguish charms now?
  O Joey Pants, all I desire is The Pleasure of Your Company.

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• 30 Brian O. on Sep 14, 2008 at 11:01 am

  So is this what they meant when they penned “Sing the Praises of Pants”?

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• 31 David TC on Sep 14, 2008 at 1:56 pm

  This is a test post to see if my html is any good.

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• 32 David TC on Sep 14, 2008 at 1:57 pm

  The sky was falling, the idolmakers gave a call for help; the squeeze was on. For a short time, Tinseltown’s moguls, on top of the world with their empire of silver dreams, had thought themselves immortals. Unknown to them, majestic heights are bound to give way to a mean season. These fugitive bad boys, running scared, fighting like cats & dogs, knew they couldn’t settle for second best, new blood was needed. But who?! And then, like the sun, up from a backstreet downtown arose a daredevil, a man who, like the forces of nature, would always have the last word.

  Happy birthday Mr. Pants!

  And now, to aid those attempting to discern movie titles, the following version is provided with visual aids included.

  The sky was falling, the idolmakers gave a call for help; the squeeze was on. For a short time, Tinseltown’s moguls, on top of the world with their empire of silver dreams, had thought themselves immortals. Unknown to them, majestic heights are bound to give way to a mean season. These fugitive bad boys, running scared, fighting like cats & dogs, knew they couldn’t settle for second best, new blood was needed. But who?! And then, like the sun, up from a backstreet downtown arose a daredevil, a man who, like the forces of nature, would always have the last word!

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• 33 Michael on Sep 15, 2008 at 5:39 am

  Joey pants after completing the mile; four minutes once again.
  Joey acts. Nobody greater. Hearts soar. Men weep. Awards certain.
  Joey garners some firewood. The orphans will be warm tonight.
  Joey fights for liberty, and gives the terrorists a fright.
  Joey cooks a meal; new recipe; the flavour’s heaven sent.
  Joey would win but doesn’t want to stand for President.
  Joey takes to bed ten beautiful women. Needs sixteen more.
  Joey trousers corporate money, and gives it to the poor.
  Joey counters corruption, crime, race hatred and the credit mess.
  Joey Pants each day wakes up, basking in his splendidness.

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  Reply from Michael on September 15, 2008:

  Ok, that didn’t work. It looks like you can’t put “pre” tags in the comments.

  This is what it was supposed to look like.

• 34 finalmonkey on Sep 15, 2008 at 7:47 am

  Goodbye Joey, you foolish, foolish man. Why did you have to be a DAREDEVIL and join the other side? Was it all for an imaginary piece of meat? Why did you have to sink to such DECEIT? You know he’s the One, right? Then again maybe its not so BLACK AND WHITE. You think you’re on TOP OF THE WORLD but in fact you’re RUNNING SCARED. The humans will come after you, but maybe you’ll outsmart them. You always were a crafty one. So on this anniversary of your birth, I hope you are smarter than I, for your sake.

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• 35 Tom Stone on Sep 15, 2008 at 12:05 pm

  Joey Pants: the man, the legend, THE MATRIX of criminally creepy facial expressions, the most off-putting person on the Sopranos (beating out ‘Big Pussy’.) More than that, a friend. To THE GOONIES of the world. To LARRY, THE CABLE GUY (HEALTH INSPECTOR) a reliable source of cheer and snake-leather boots. To children, someone who never scolds, never calls them BAD BOYS and girls (instead merely looking all bald and weird at them.) To the movie-watching public, the unsettling thing between them and a straightforward movie about anterograde amnesia. I hope this tribute sees you on TOP OF THE WORLD.

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• 36 Travis on Sep 15, 2008 at 1:56 pm

  Now, I don’t like calling just anyone a LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR, but jeez, this guy deserves it. What…a…MAJESTIC…man. He is like NEW BLOOD to movie going audiences that were desperately in need of a transfusion and weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses. He definitely earned his RACING STRIPES with the best of ‘em. So to you, Joey Pants, I raise my glass, you DAREDEVIL of the multiplexes, you BAD BOYS II of the cinema…may your EMPIRE OF THE SUN shine ever-brighter. Happy Birthday.

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• 37 G-Force on Sep 15, 2008 at 5:42 pm

  What a man, TO LIVE AND DIE showing his RACING STRIPES while still doing THE JOB one better that SECOND BEST. I havent seen this much dedication in a man since SPRING BREAK ‘83, when I had a great glass blower make me a MAJESTIC MOMENTO to THE US MARSHALS, those brave men. Joey’s acting is stronger than THE FORCES OF NATURE. This man’s birthday can bring peace to CATS AND DOGS because they are PERFECT OPPOSITES and are always READY TO RUMBLE with GARY THE RAT especially while on THE EASTER EGG ADVENTURE. So Happy Birthday, DANGEROUS HEARTed Joey!

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• 38 Edgewriter on Sep 16, 2008 at 10:23 am

  Dear Mr. PANTS, JOEY,

  Congratulations on your recent bithday. According to our records, you work in the FILm industry as an ACTOr. Some would even say you are the SECOND BEST in your field. Surely, as a UNKOWN -year old, surely it has come to your attention that age is one of those FORCES OF NATURE that wears everyone down. At your age people rely on drugs or CATS AND DOGS To keep their spirits up.

  Well, Mr. PANTS, JOEY this is no longer neccesary. Join our fitness club RACING STRIPES. Don’t worry about age being a factor here. If you are confused or hurt yourself, just put out A CALL FOR HELP and our personal trainers will be here to assist you. Act now. Make your already fantastic body even better.

  Sincerely,
  LARRY THE CABLE GUY, HEALTH INSPECTOR

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  Reply from Edgewriter on September 16, 2008:

  BTW any imperfections in spelling or punctuation are here purely to make the letter more authentic

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