Comments on: A contest to honor Joey Pant’s birthday today.

By: trumpysmagicsnout

trumpysmagicsnout — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:49:26 +0000

A film Fischer wrote and directed years ago.

By: Edgewriter

Edgewriter — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:30:26 +0000

BTW any imperfections in spelling or punctuation are here purely to make the letter more authentic

By: Edgewriter

Edgewriter — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:23:22 +0000

Dear Mr. PANTS, JOEY, Congratulations on your recent bithday. According to our records, you work in the FILm industry as an ACTOr. Some would even say you are the SECOND BEST in your field. Surely, as a UNKOWN -year old, surely it has come to your attention that age is one of those FORCES OF NATURE that wears everyone down. At your age people rely on drugs or CATS AND DOGS To keep their spirits up. Well, Mr. PANTS, JOEY this is no longer neccesary. Join our fitness club RACING STRIPES. Don't worry about age being a factor here. If you are confused or hurt yourself, just put out A CALL FOR HELP and our personal trainers will be here to assist you. Act now. Make your already fantastic body even better. Sincerely, LARRY THE CABLE GUY, HEALTH INSPECTOR

By: G-Force

G-Force — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 01:42:13 +0000

What a man, TO LIVE AND DIE showing his RACING STRIPES while still doing THE JOB one better that SECOND BEST. I havent seen this much dedication in a man since SPRING BREAK ‘83, when I had a great glass blower make me a MAJESTIC MOMENTO to THE US MARSHALS, those brave men. Joey’s acting is stronger than THE FORCES OF NATURE. This man’s birthday can bring peace to CATS AND DOGS because they are PERFECT OPPOSITES and are always READY TO RUMBLE with GARY THE RAT especially while on THE EASTER EGG ADVENTURE. So Happy Birthday, DANGEROUS HEARTed Joey!

By: Travis

Travis — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:56:45 +0000

Now, I don’t like calling just anyone a LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR, but jeez, this guy deserves it. What…a…MAJESTIC…man. He is like NEW BLOOD to movie going audiences that were desperately in need of a transfusion and weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses. He definitely earned his RACING STRIPES with the best of ‘em. So to you, Joey Pants, I raise my glass, you DAREDEVIL of the multiplexes, you BAD BOYS II of the cinema…may your EMPIRE OF THE SUN shine ever-brighter. Happy Birthday.

By: Tom Stone

Tom Stone — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 20:05:30 +0000

Joey Pants: the man, the legend, THE MATRIX of criminally creepy facial expressions, the most off-putting person on the Sopranos (beating out ‘Big Pussy’.) More than that, a friend. To THE GOONIES of the world. To LARRY, THE CABLE GUY (HEALTH INSPECTOR) a reliable source of cheer and snake-leather boots. To children, someone who never scolds, never calls them BAD BOYS and girls (instead merely looking all bald and weird at them.) To the movie-watching public, the unsettling thing between them and a straightforward movie about anterograde amnesia. I hope this tribute sees you on TOP OF THE WORLD.

By: finalmonkey

finalmonkey — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 15:47:24 +0000

Goodbye Joey, you foolish, foolish man. Why did you have to be a DAREDEVIL and join the other side? Was it all for an imaginary piece of meat? Why did you have to sink to such DECEIT? You know he’s the One, right? Then again maybe its not so BLACK AND WHITE. You think you’re on TOP OF THE WORLD but in fact you’re RUNNING SCARED. The humans will come after you, but maybe you’ll outsmart them. You always were a crafty one. So on this anniversary of your birth, I hope you are smarter than I, for your sake.

By: Michael

Michael — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:45:23 +0000

Ok, that didn't work. It looks like you can't put "pre" tags in the comments. This is what it was supposed to look like.

By: Michael

Michael — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:39:36 +0000

Joey pants after completing the mile; four minutes once again.
Joey acts. Nobody greater. Hearts soar. Men weep. Awards certain.
Joey garners some firewood. The orphans will be warm tonight.
Joey fights for liberty, and gives the terrorists a fright.
Joey cooks a meal; new recipe; the flavour’s heaven sent.
Joey would win but doesn’t want to stand for President.
Joey takes to bed ten beautiful women. Needs sixteen more.
Joey trousers corporate money, and gives it to the poor.
Joey counters corruption, crime, race hatred and the credit mess.
Joey Pants each day wakes up, basking in his splendidness.

By: David TC

David TC — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 21:57:31 +0000

The sky was falling, the idolmakers gave a call for help; the squeeze was on. For a short time, Tinseltown’s moguls, on top of the world with their empire of silver dreams, had thought themselves immortals. Unknown to them, majestic heights are bound to give way to a mean season. These fugitive bad boys, running scared, fighting like cats & dogs, knew they couldn’t settle for second best, new blood was needed. But who?! And then, like the sun, up from a backstreet downtown arose a daredevil, a man who, like the forces of nature, would always have the last word. Happy birthday Mr. Pants! And now, to aid those attempting to discern movie titles, the following version is provided with visual aids included. The sky was falling, the idolmakers gave a call for help; the squeeze was on. For a short time, Tinseltown’s moguls, on top of the world with their empire of silver dreams, had thought themselves immortals. Unknown to them, majestic heights are bound to give way to a mean season. These fugitive bad boys, running scared, fighting like cats & dogs, knew they couldn’t settle for second best, new blood was needed. But who?! And then, like the sun, up from a backstreet downtown arose a daredevil, a man who, like the forces of nature, would always have the last word!

By: David TC

David TC — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 21:56:02 +0000

This is a test post to see if my html is any good.

By: Brian O.

Brian O. — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 19:01:34 +0000

So is this what they meant when they penned “Sing the Praises of Pants”?

By: Heather

Heather — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 05:29:40 +0000

Kudos on subtly comparing Joey Pants to Odysseus with that opening line, there.

By: Heather

Heather — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 05:19:06 +0000

I sing of Pants and the Joey, who wears the name with such grace and precision.
The Last Word in modesty and virtue,
Engaging in the Risky Business of lobbying the GOP on behalf of the insane.
Fellows, think me not The Idolmaker, worshipping a golden calf.
No! Joey Pants is the Silver Man! It’s a completely different transition metal and taxonomic order!
At a tip of his trademark cap, the laws of gravity reverse, and I begin Falling Up.
Bad Boys, where be thy roguish charms now?
O Joey Pants, all I desire is The Pleasure of Your Company.

By: Brenda Arcane

Brenda Arcane — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 03:02:41 +0000

Sing in me Muse the virtue of the MAJESTIC Joey Pants.
Could A BETTER WAY TO DIE be found than to breathe one’s final shudder in his illuminating presence, before the medical examiner wraps you in CANVAS and gurneys you out of the I-Max theatre?
Ah Muse, one who would believe Joey Pants SECOND BEST to any other soul is naive to the DECEIT of the shadows in Plato’s Cave.

By: Enron Hubbard

Enron Hubbard — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 19:33:12 +0000

Pants!
(Sung to the tune of Pants!)

(chorus) Pants! Pants! Sing the praises of Pants!

Friend, you’re walking the EZ STREETS when you’re walking with Joey P!

(repeat chorus)

He’s the LAST OF THE FINEST. He should really be called “your Highness! Pants!

(repeat chorus)

Bill would be on TOP OF THE WORLD if he was Joey’s girl!

(repeat chorus)

(spoken) That’s right ladies and gentlemen, join THE IN CROWD and put THE SQUEEZE on huggable Joey Pants today!

Who is never SECOND BEST? Pants!
Who, among THE IMMORTALS puts hair on your chest? Pants!
FOR PETE’S SAKE, who gives life it’s zest? Pants!
(You can say *that* again!)

Signed,
Deep Hurting

By: wes

wes — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 17:56:34 +0000

I closed my eyes and thought of Joey Pants and it gave me the Goonies. I imagined The Matrix of his fingers wrapped around my Bad Boys felt like Risky Business, but it was One Special Victory for A Piece of My Heart.

By: Walter

Walter — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 16:21:45 +0000

This is my real entry that actually follows the rules (see comment 2).

Movie titles are in all caps.

We love Joey. He is one those USED PEOPLE who we can’t take our eyes off. Yesterday was “the Pant’s” birthday, so I thought I would say a few words to honor him and his cap. This Italian American HERCULES, has said on more than one occasion some witty phrase which I am too tired to come up with. Some might compare his life to that of a FUGITIVE, but I would say he is more of a god. He is a smart guy who always get the LAST WORD. But his life was not with out trouble. He was charged with GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 times before he turned nine. But thanks to some quick foot-work by his lawyer, all charges were dropped. so Happy Birthday Pants. Here is looking to many other films to come.

By: Walter

Walter — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 16:04:17 +0000

What’s Lollilove?

By: trumpysmagicsnout

trumpysmagicsnout — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 12:29:30 +0000

According to Jenna Fischer on the Lollilove commentary, Joey Pants tried to get it on with her when she first moved to Hollywood. The man has impeccable taste.

That is all.