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Well, I’ve been trying to drop a few – HEY!

September 18th, 2008 by Mike Nelson · 42 Comments

41Nxxs 8r L. AA280Recently, I got invited to Nastasia Liukin’s Bat Mitzvah, so naturally went looking for a leotard and was lucky enough to run across this affordably priced “knockout leotard” at Amazon.

Now, I’m not ashamed that I had to buy the biggest one they had, but I don’t think I deserved this slap in the face: go to the product page and get a load of the sizing.

Yes, the largest size (mine) is called “Adult Lard”! I’ll be buying my knockout leotard somewhere else, thank you very much.

Tags: RiffTrax

42 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Sep 18, 2008 at 7:43 pm

    Makes “husky” seem downright complimentary, don’t it?

  • 2 Nanobots on Sep 18, 2008 at 8:11 pm

    Well, I was going to say that Adult Lard in Fuchsia might not be so bad — but I see that you can’t get adult lard in Fuchsia! That size is only available in green. Now that’s adding injury to insult!

  • 3 Tim on Sep 18, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    It’s difficult to tell without scale, but that’s actually the “Adult Lard” size pictured there. That young Asian girl is actually 6-’ 5″.

  • 4 Enron Hubbard on Sep 18, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    Congrats on the invite, Mike! *Do* try to spell Nastia’s name correctly on the card, though.

    And if Alicia Sacramone is there, don’t let her *fall* in the Lokshen Kugel!
    Too harsh?

    Signed,
    Shawn Johnson’s

  • 5 Mr. Slick on Sep 18, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    Lokking for a lard tard huh Mike?

  • 6 Mr. Slick on Sep 18, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    Or “Looking” for one I should say ;)

  • 7 justhesh on Sep 18, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    I have no way of knowing why you would actually be looking at leotards on Amazon, but I’m glad you were.

  • 8 Charlie W on Sep 18, 2008 at 10:13 pm

    At first I thought it was a typo but then I noticed adult large next to it. Dear god, they’ve finally named a size after me.

  • 9 Kyle from Maine on Sep 18, 2008 at 11:58 pm

    Fuscia is known for being slimming. It makes an Adult Lard look like a Child Beer Belly.

  • 10 MVP on Sep 19, 2008 at 3:08 am

    Mike,

    I think even with the insulting size name you may want to rethink your decision. After all, if you notice in the product features, it comes with a free scrunchie!!!

    I wonder if that’s adult lard sized too…

  • 11 Spookette on Sep 19, 2008 at 4:18 am

    My poor sister wears a Youth Lard, but sadly, those are extremely hard to find.

  • 12 Doug on Sep 19, 2008 at 5:31 am

    I see this as a positive step. No coddling. It’s encouragement to lose weight. No one wants to ask for the adult lard clothing. Its a direct evolutionary step from husky.

    Of course- I lost 60lbs…so who knows. Maybe I became a douchebag.

  • 13 Smuttynose on Sep 19, 2008 at 5:59 am

    Adult Lard=Mature Crisco?

  • 14 The Professor on Sep 19, 2008 at 6:44 am

    I wonder how long it will be before Amazon fixes the error. I’m inordinately amused by this.

  • 15 Auntie Maim on Sep 19, 2008 at 6:55 am

    That “young Asian girl” looks like she’s been hit by a “Gamera” ray that lets her head grow normally, while her body stays tiny enough to fit into those scary children’s shorts favored by Japan’s Parliament of Annoying Children.

  • 16 Auntie Maim on Sep 19, 2008 at 6:57 am

    Nice story, Mike, but we all know you were just looking for an excuse to post a picture of that 63-year old gymnast you’ve been stalking.

  • 17 Doug on Sep 19, 2008 at 7:42 am

    You know, I hadn’t realized it before- but she is a rather creepy specimen. To paraphrase the puppet show (Brute Man episode) “she’s reminiscent of a tall dwarf”

    I cant tell if shes a young girl with an unfortunate face, or an older woman with a very well kept body.

  • 18 Courtney on Sep 19, 2008 at 7:46 am

    I’d rather be lardy than be doing whatever the hell she’s doing with her hands there. It’s a cross between “hey girrrrrrrl!” and “my Snickers got stuck in the vending machine and I swear I can almost reach it.”

  • 19 Enron Hubbard on Sep 19, 2008 at 8:02 am

    Her Birth Certificate provided by the Chinese officials says she’s 63, but ancillary evidence suggests that she is, in fact, only 59.

    Signed,
    Conspiracy File #: 080808

  • 20 Karen Han on Sep 19, 2008 at 8:03 am

    ummmm.lard =typo for LARGE? or someone is very insensitive. report them to AMAZON!!!!!!!!

  • 21 Doug on Sep 19, 2008 at 8:11 am

    And the award for most oblivious goes to…

  • 22 James Shearhart on Sep 19, 2008 at 8:35 am

    No no no, Mike, you un-hip dingbat, that was leet-speak for Large And Roomy Dress – later in the checkout process, you will be asked on which side you “dress”, and the garment is adjusted accordingly….

    Get with it, man, all the cool kids use mere letters to communicate complex ideas, words are so 20th century….

  • 23 Large LeMarge on Sep 19, 2008 at 9:53 am

    Look, I’ll have you know that “adult lard” no longer fits me. I have succumbed to the Baconator and Rally’s scrumptious potato wedges to have graduated to “Pizza the Hutt” status, and I am a better person for it. Be proud of your adult lard, Mike! It could always be worse. You could always wear a “youth thimble” athletic supporter.

  • 24 Scarlett on Sep 19, 2008 at 10:36 am

    Hmmm, I wonder if an Adult Lard would be the same as the Adult Chunky or Adult Big Boned sizings I’ve seen elsewhere….

  • 25 Katie M. on Sep 19, 2008 at 10:38 am

    Mike, were you seriously invited to Nastia’s Bat Mitzvah?? Well, mazel tov! Didn’t know she was a fan…..

    In any case, I think I speak for everyone when I demand that you post pictures of yourself in your brand new shiny green Adult Lard leotard, perhaps even whilst doing the splits (rawr!).

  • 26 MonkeyCheezPants on Sep 19, 2008 at 11:42 am

    Reminds me of my time as an EMT. We had a special device for transporting the morbidly obese (only in America). It was called an “Orca Flat”. That was the product name.

    I’m still amazed we never got sued.

  • 27 RemmieBarrow on Sep 19, 2008 at 2:03 pm

    Nah, only after you have rubbed everyones’ faces into your weight loss would you be considered a douchbag.

  • 28 Tim on Sep 19, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    I always thought that was called a “refrigerator dolly”.

    Or maybe I’m thinking of a different device…

  • 29 MST3Kelly on Sep 19, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    the young gal in the Amazon photo apparently honed her craft in a gymnasium near Chernobyl.

    Mr. Nelson: I’d take one pound of your rich, high-quality Adult Lard over a metric ton of stringy Adult Small. [not literally of course!]

  • 30 Invisible Cracker Mom on Sep 19, 2008 at 4:15 pm

    Could “Adult Lard” be a future title for a Rifftones tune?

  • 31 Invisible Cracker Mom on Sep 19, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    We had to read “Orca Flat” back in eighth grade.

  • 32 MST3Kelly on Sep 19, 2008 at 4:21 pm

    she must therefore have Level 5 security clearance.
    tiny shorts and a tiny backpack= no need to show credentials of any kind.

  • 33 camcat on Sep 20, 2008 at 4:29 am

    Don’t forget to wear the matching free scrunchie. I insist.

  • 34 camcat on Sep 20, 2008 at 4:31 am

    By Steinbeck, right?

  • 35 camcat on Sep 20, 2008 at 4:38 am

    I’m not sure it is female. I cannot find even a hint of breasts.

  • 36 RemmieBarrow on Sep 20, 2008 at 11:43 am

    Yah, you can’t forget the scrunchie. it is essensial for the complete look.

  • 37 Nanobots on Sep 20, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    Note that “Adult Large” is also listed on that page at amazon. The way the sizes are ordered, “Adult Lard” is larger than “Adult Large”.

    Or maybe “Lard” is just a short-form for “L(eot)ard”

  • 38 NavarezElectro on Sep 20, 2008 at 6:26 pm

    Tor Johnson always wore the scrunchie that accompanied his “Adult Lard” leotard.

  • 39 NavarezElectro on Sep 20, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    That was a thick, ponderous tome.

  • 40 Clint on Sep 22, 2008 at 7:10 am

    Still, “Adult Lard Leotard” has a nice ring to it.

  • 41 Ben on Sep 24, 2008 at 6:37 am

    You do realize that you have to maintain that same pose as long as you wear a leotard like that.

  • 42 Ben on Sep 24, 2008 at 6:37 am

    Actually, I think it is whether you want to keep that pose or not. Think “wedgie”