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Honestly, I WANT to Save the Whales, but…

September 25th, 2008 by · 42 Comments

…it’s gonna be harder if they INSIST on becoming bacon:

whale bacon

What’s that you say? The baconization of whales might not be entirely voluntary?

Respectfully, I say this is nonsense. All living things know The One Law (which, surprisingly, even overrules Ape Law):

    “That Which Can become Bacon, Must Become Bacon.”

The only measure of The One Law, above: deliciousness. Though the packaging and Japan-y-ness of the whale bacon above makes that quality suspect, there must be no other standard, such as the whiny little excuse of running out of whales. Feh! Whales know the deal. And like every other living creature, they accept, support and even love The One Law.

As do I. If the Bacon Council of Elders knocked on my door one day and informed me that I am delicious and therefore must become bacon, I would not hesitate to hand over my measly life. In fact, I’ve applied to be bacon several times, only to be told that I’m more like mutton, and therefore of little use to this world. Ah, the shame…

But now mammals even larger and more corpulent than myself — whales — have a chance for bacony glory. Who am I to get in their way?

Who am I to NOT eat them?

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