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Honestly, I WANT to Save the Whales, but…

September 25th, 2008 by Bill Corbett · 42 Comments

…it’s gonna be harder if they INSIST on becoming bacon:

whale bacon

What’s that you say? The baconization of whales might not be entirely voluntary?

Respectfully, I say this is nonsense. All living things know The One Law (which, surprisingly, even overrules Ape Law):

    “That Which Can become Bacon, Must Become Bacon.”

The only measure of The One Law, above: deliciousness. Though the packaging and Japan-y-ness of the whale bacon above makes that quality suspect, there must be no other standard, such as the whiny little excuse of running out of whales. Feh! Whales know the deal. And like every other living creature, they accept, support and even love The One Law.

As do I. If the Bacon Council of Elders knocked on my door one day and informed me that I am delicious and therefore must become bacon, I would not hesitate to hand over my measly life. In fact, I’ve applied to be bacon several times, only to be told that I’m more like mutton, and therefore of little use to this world. Ah, the shame…

But now mammals even larger and more corpulent than myself — whales — have a chance for bacony glory. Who am I to get in their way?

Who am I to NOT eat them?

Tags: RiffTrax

42 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Ben on Sep 25, 2008 at 4:43 am

    Why doesn’t Kevin Bacon have a line of bacon in supermarkets? Kevin Bacon’s Bacon…it practically sells itself…they can even give a job to that dog from this commercial.

  • 2 Ryan on Sep 25, 2008 at 4:47 am

    I can just see the commercial for Kevin Bacon’s Bacon “Thank you sir. Can I have another?”

    I hope you are defering to Kevin on what is or is not Ape Law. Speaking of which, I remember Bobo seemed to find mutton quite yummy, so be careful there.

  • 3 Samantha on Sep 25, 2008 at 4:56 am

    Is the One Law related in any way to Rule 34, because if it is, I’m gonna go throw up now.

  • 4 Ariel on Sep 25, 2008 at 5:00 am

    Whale Bacon.
    Maybe we could just make it out of the ones that can’t be saved but save all the others?

  • 5 Smuttynose on Sep 25, 2008 at 5:02 am

    More Japanese bacony treats- they give you “Piece in heart, fragrance in mouth”. I bet you can’t get that kind of feelig from stinkin’ whalebacon! And the company is called “Yurun”, pronounced, well…

  • 6 Adam on Sep 25, 2008 at 6:37 am

    …why on earth is it not simply called “Kevin’s Bacon”?

  • 7 Adam on Sep 25, 2008 at 6:54 am

    I’m sorry, Bill, but I personally am coming down against whale bacon, and coming down HARD.

    “Whale bacon” is no more actual bacon than “turkey bacon” is, which is at best a well-intentioned imitation and at worst a vile mockery of genuine bacon.

    In fact, this odd mass of tissue, floating in eerily neon-pink fluids in a plastic baggie next to other unidentifiable (but no doubt equally horrible) items, blasphemes against bacon through its very existence in a way that the very worst turkey bacon never could.

    I put it to you that the One Law has been misinterpreted.

    Given that TRUE bacon only comes from one animal source, I suggest that, rather than demanding the baconification of all substances with the slightest “bacon potential”, the Law demands that all those specifically of the porcine persuasion who can be converted into bacon must at some point become bacon.

    I have several other theses on the proper way to revere bacon, and I will be nailing them to Rifftrax’s front door as soon as virtual door technology is perfected and implemented by Rifftrax, which I understand will be a matter of days. Perhaps even hours.

  • 8 Bill Corbett on Sep 25, 2008 at 7:08 am

    Hm. Hm. Hard to argue with that. Tough, yet quite logical.

    To me — and indeed, to The One Law — the quality of deliciousness is the true proving ground. So far no other animal (including me, as I say above) has stepped up and proven itself worthy.

    So yes, one tries to keep an open mind… but one must be skeptical at this point, after the utter failure of turkey.

    Your points are valid. I’m listening.

    But more than that, I’m hungry.

  • 9 Smuttynose on Sep 25, 2008 at 7:29 am

    Hey Adam- you workin’ on an iRiff yet?

  • 10 Gamera on Sep 25, 2008 at 7:43 am

    No legs good. 4 legs good bacon.

  • 11 Tim on Sep 25, 2008 at 7:54 am

    Wow. That whale bacon is…pink. Disturbingly pink, I’d say.

  • 12 Krud on Sep 25, 2008 at 7:56 am

    Y’know, when I first saw someone talking about “Kevin Bacon”, I immediately thought of your co-riffer, Mr. Murphy. Only as bacon.

    I’m guessing we should all be disturbed by that thought.

  • 13 Tim on Sep 25, 2008 at 7:57 am

    You’re walking a thin line here, Adam. With all of your theses-writing and door-nailing, you’re bound to ruffle the feathers of the staid bacon establishment.

    They’ll probably make every attempt to brand you a bacon-herectic, and try to persuade the mob to burn you at the stake. Or smoke, salt cure, and thinly slice you at the stake, as it were.

  • 14 Tim on Sep 25, 2008 at 7:59 am

    “…why on earth is it not simply called ‘Kevin’s Bacon’?”

    Mostly due to the fact that the mere thought of “Kevin’s Bacon” causes every human being to wretch violently.

  • 15 Adam on Sep 25, 2008 at 8:18 am

    Bill: If you’re hungry, might I suggest…some bacon? The pure, honest deliciousness of bacon gleaned from the proper sources? It’s what nature intended.

    Tim: The bacon establishment has strayed from the path by allowing – dare I say, INDULGING – these bacon imposters, who taint the good name of bacon. It is THEY who have become heretics, and history will vindicate me.

    (And yes, damn it, I DID write a Martin Luther-based pun.)

    Smuttynose: Well, we’re certainly writing new shorts, and we absolutely plan to move them over to iRiffs once we can do so, so I guess the answer is yes. But if there’s a specific thing we should be doing in order to prepare an iRiff…then I didn’t know about it. But once I know what it is, I’ll do it and the answer will be yes again, only more so.

  • 16 Enron Hubbard on Sep 25, 2008 at 8:36 am


    Thanks for the laugh!

    A Talmudic discourse on a most unkosher subject! Priceless!

  • 17 Tv Miller on Sep 25, 2008 at 9:13 am

    I first heard of “The One Law” when it was discussed by a soccer team in the Andes Mountains.

  • 18 MonkeyCheezPants on Sep 25, 2008 at 9:13 am

    You silly dogmatic fools! Debating the One Law as if it were from some imaginary Bacon God! As a Bacon Atheist, I must point out that the One Law is merely a superstitious holdover from ancient times, as away of enforcing the Bacon Order.

    No, the One Law is no divine commandment, it is simply a way to prevent things tragedies like this:

    We don’t need bacon superstition to guide us, we just need the cold hard reality that UN-BACONIZED SWINE WILL TRAP YOU IN YOUR HOME.

    It’s like Dawkins wrote in “The Bacon Delusion”. Either we baconize them or the world becomes one giant piggery.

  • 19 Michaela on Sep 25, 2008 at 10:12 am


  • 20 Spookette on Sep 25, 2008 at 10:21 am

    Good lord, that is some blubbery bacon.

  • 21 Clint on Sep 25, 2008 at 10:31 am

    I’ve figured it out!

    Whales, of “Save the Whales” fame, once thought to be endangered, have discovered a way to ensure their species lives on…

    Become bacon.

    They took a cue from their distant, delicious cousin, the pig, and have simultaneously conspired against us and for us in our attempts to extinguish them by offering themselves as delectable scallop-wrap.

  • 22 Ben on Sep 25, 2008 at 11:35 am

    Kevin Bacon’s Bacon sings…I can envision a whole product line of bacon products with a picture of Kevin Bacon in various costumes ala Paul Newman with his line of products. Yes, see Kevin Bacon dressed as a Royal Mountie on a package of “Kevin Bacon’s Canadian Bacon”. Kevin in a sombrero on a package of “Kevin Bacon’s Jalapeno Bacon”

    Well, you get the idea…

  • 23 Ben on Sep 25, 2008 at 11:38 am

    Yeah…you don’t want to know what part of the whale that comes from…but I am thinking whale nipples.

  • 24 Edgewriter on Sep 25, 2008 at 11:38 am

    Ah, but you forget the lesson learned from faux crab. It vaguely looks like crab, yet tastes nothing like crab, yet is still quite delicious. I remember the first time I took my brother out to eat real crab. Let us just say that he was dissapointed that is didn’t taste like the fake thing.

    Perhaps they should take a lesson from imitation crab. On most packages t is called Krab.

    Whale bacon could be called Bakon. Just mull that one over, whilst I ponder the slab of whale blubber on my plate that could with proper smoking be turned in to bakony goodness.

  • 25 Jess on Sep 25, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    I can’t have been the first person to post the Bacon Tiara, can I?

    That which isn’t originally comprised of bacon is better off in bacon-form

  • 26 Adam on Sep 25, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    This right here = funny. If you disagree, you’re wrong, and you should know that about yourself.

  • 27 Adam on Sep 25, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    Actually, I would have no problem at all with fake bacon were it to acknowledge somehow that it is not, in fact, bacon. “Whale bakon”, or “bakin”, or “b’con”, or something similar, would be perfectly acceptable, because the product would acknowledge its inferiority by accepting a perversion of the word “bacon” as its name, rather than arrogantly posturing as the equivalent of (or an adequate replacement for) genuine bacon.

    For example, I have no problem with “Beggin’ Strips,” aside from the fact that the new guy who does the dog’s voice is a very poor replacement for the first guy. “Bacos” are also acceptable…though perhaps inadvisable.

  • 28 RemmieBarrow on Sep 25, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    OK, just the thought of whale nipples being made into bacon is making me trow up.

  • 29 Tim on Sep 25, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    Actually, I think “b’con” is what’s served by the Klingons.

  • 30 Josh on Sep 25, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    Could somebody pass this chocolate bacon along to Bill? Thanks.—-mos-b.html

    I’ve tasted that. It tastes exactly what you think it would taste like.

  • 31 torgosPizza on Sep 25, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    Choco-bacon has been mentioned in the RiffBlog before. See here:

  • 32 Mr. Slick on Sep 25, 2008 at 9:11 pm

    This is why we freed Willie!

  • 33 Scooter on Sep 25, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    well maybe it’s just a bad translation. In its language of origin, it would be a similar version of bakon, just there was a poor translation that made it bacon.

  • 34 Scarlett on Sep 25, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    This now explains Star Trek IV. The cigar/lead pipe alien ship wasn’t there to talk to the whales, they were there because they were achin’ for whale bacon. Which totally makes their almost destroying the Earth and nearly destroying my love for Star Trek completely understandable.

  • 35 James on Sep 25, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    No Sarah Palin hunting jokes?

  • 36 Ben on Sep 26, 2008 at 4:38 am

    Now that you bring that movie up…what was the deal with that pipe and ball ship? It cruises through Federation space right to Starfleet HQ and nobody seems to know where it came from, who it was or where it went? I don’t know about you, but if I were a Federation citizen, I’d be demanding some answers. How do we know it wasn’t a Borg cylinder, since they like baby toy shapes for their craft like cubes and circles? I mean, should the Feds expect another attack later by a triangle ship looking to communicate with dodo birds?

    Personally, I’d blame Spock for the whole debacle and court martial him again.

  • 37 Auntie Maim on Sep 26, 2008 at 7:03 am

    Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong…that tiara just made me retaste my breakfast porridge.

    The crappy ‘do doesn’t help, either–having those scraggly little hairs so close to Bacon just makes it all wronger.

  • 38 Scarlett on Sep 26, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    I mean, should the Feds expect another attack later by a triangle ship looking to communicate with dodo birds?

    The Feds thought about that possibility and came up with “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Dodo!”, which incidentally was just Imitation Krab.

    Frankly, I blame Kirk for the whole thing. From his “regifting” of the glasses Bones gave him to the “Well, double dumb ass on you!”. At least Spock did what every commuter wishes they could do to anyone with annoying radio habits by doing the Vulcan Neck Pinch on that punk guy with the radio. Note of warning: don’t do the Vulcan Neck Pinch while riding in a car to get past “the driver gets to choose the station” law. Not good if you don’t have one of those Driver’s Ed cars with steering wheels on both sides and the insurance companies get in a real snit whenever you mention anything Vulcan or fill out forms in Klingon.

  • 39 R.A. Roth on Sep 26, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    Bacon is pork, the end. Canadian Bacon, although made of pork products, isn’t bacon, for it lack the authentic crispiness and texture of true bacon, and whale flesh cannot be bacon anymore than lead can be transmogrified into gold.

    Randy “One Bacon” Roth

  • 40 Heather on Sep 26, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    This mockery of bacon becomes even more disgusting when you realize that whale bacon is often served raw. Clearly, the Japanese don’t know what to do with the One True Bacon.

    Wait– can this be? The Japanese apparently DO NOT EVEN HAVE REAL BACON. This is a travesty! Someone call Amnesty International House of Pancakes!

    I hate getting political on a public blog, but I am writing to my congresswoman to demand that she vote against ratification of the Bacon Non-Proliferation Treaty. You all should do the same. THE WORLD MUST KNOW!

  • 41 Quote of the day | Isn't the Light OK? on Sep 26, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    [...] – Bill Corbett [...]

  • 42 WalterKovacs on Sep 26, 2008 at 9:39 pm