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Nathanial Matthias Sinister

November 10th, 2008 by Conor Lastowka · 35 Comments

Mister Sinister

**Scene – Mr. Sinister’s apartment.  Mr. Sinister sits in silence next to the phone.  A bottle of Champagne sits in a bucket of ice on a stand next to his recliner.**

[The phone rings]

Mr. Sinister:  Hello?  Murr-hur-ry!  Gimme the good news baby!  [pause]  You’re kidding me.  The Hobgoblin?  Kraven the Hunter offs himself and to replace him, The Sinister Six picks The Hobgoblin?  No…No Murray, I’m not angry…Just disappointed.  Yeah, I thought so too, really seems like it would make more sense…Well, you know what, there’s gonna be another chance.  Right.  OK, Murray, I’ll talk to you later.

[Mr. Sinister hangs up phone]

**Scene – Mr. Sinister’s apartment, several months later.  A visibly nervous Mr. Sinister sits in silence next to the phone.  A bottle of Champagne sits in a bucket of ice on a stand next to his recliner.**

[The phone rings]

Mr. Sinister:  Murray?  Hey.  Yeah.  I didn’t get it did I?  I knew it, I could tell by the tone in your voice.  *sigh*  Well, better tell me who it was.  [pause]  Gog?!?!  Are you kidding me!?  GOG!!?!  The Sandman suffers a personal tragedy, renounces his former life of crime as well as his teammates in the Sinister Six, and to replace him, they go with a guy named Gog?  No, I don’t know who Gog is…Giant reptilian humanoid…yeah, from the Savage Lands, yeah, you know that would probably have been my first choice too, a giant reptile from the freakin’ Savage Lands. Right, well I sound angry because I am angry.  Not at you, I’m just angry.  Yeah, maybe you should call back.  Alright, I will.

[Mr. Sinister angrily hangs up phone]

**Scene – Mr. Sinister’s apartment.  Mr. Sinister sits in silence next to the phone.  He is wearing a wife beater and boxer shorts.  His costume, still in a dry cleaning bag, is draped over the couch.   A bottle of Champagne sits in a bucket of ice on a stand next to his recliner.**

[The phone rings]

Mr. Sinister:  Hello?  Hey Murray.  Good news and bad news you say?  Well, good news first.  The Sinister Six is expanding to The Sinister Seven.  OK, lemme guess the Bad News…they found a really obediant dog in the Savage Lands and made him part of the team.  Am I close?  What’s that? [pause]  A zombie Mysterio…He died, but he came back as a zombie or something…Yeah, well you wouldn’t want a little thing like DYING to keep Mysterio out of his precious Sinister Six now would you???  They’re letting in Reptiles, they’re letting in Dead Guys, I don’t know what the hell I’m paying you for Murray, and the whole time Mr. Sinister, Mister…freakin’…Sinister, is sitting at home in his underwear.  Yeah, well it is sad Murray. Well I think that’s a good idea.  A great idea!  No, I will see you in hell!

[Mr. Sinister slame the phone down onto the receiver, waits three seconds, then picks it up and repeatedly bashes it down onto the receiver until it shatters]

**Scene – Mr. Sinister’s apartment. A disshevelled Mr. Sinister sits in silence next to the phone. He is wearing a wife beater and boxer shorts, has not showered and has noticably put on weight. A bottle of Champagne sits in a bucket of room temperature water on a stand next to his recliner. Empty beer cans litter the floor and he occasionally swigs from a plastic bottle of Early Times whiskey**

[The phone rings]

Mr. Sinister:  What?  Oh, it’s Chad, my new super-agent, come to the rescue.  You better believe I’m drunk!  Well, I started right after I saw the paper this morning my friend.  Yeah, I’ve got it right here.  Oh, don’t get up Chad, I’ll read it to you myself.  Ahem, “Sinister Six to expand to Sinister Twelve – New team members include Hydro-Man, Hammerhead, Shocker, Tombstone and Boomerang.” Yeah, it did come as a surprise Chad!  Six new members! And let me take another quick look at the list here…nope!  I’m not on the list!  You know sometimes… [Mr. Sinister becomes emotional]  Sometimes I just wonder if I’m even a person anymore…What do I have to do?  What more do they want from me?  I’M MISTER SINISTER DAMMIT!!!!

[Mister Sinister drops the phone and begins to weep, pausing only to pull from the bottle. His super would grow nervous three weeks later when his mail box began to overflow, and broke down the door to his apartment.  He refused to describe the scene to reporters.]

Tags: RiffTrax · silly

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