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Move over, Hugh Jass.

November 25th, 2008 by Bill Corbett · 56 Comments

There’s a new sheriff in town:

mike

*****

UPDATE: We tried to reach Mr. Litoris for comments, but he was traveling with his longtime associates Benjamin Dover and Michael Hunt.

(UPDATE regarding first UPDATE: Yes, I stole those from comments. But you stole them from Bart Simpson, and the movie Porky’s. And they stole them all from my mom’s delinquent kid brother, Uncle Ricky. So let the lawsuits fly, like so many winged monkeys, bearing so many subpoenas…

“The circle of life, ’tis grand in all its litigiousness.” — Seymour Butz )

Tags: RiffTrax

56 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Hugh on Nov 25, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    I could’ve sworn his last name was “Hunt.”

  • 2 Nick Fechter on Nov 25, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    Followed by deputies Seymour Butz and Harry Butz, and lets not forget lieutenant I.C. Butz.

  • 3 MonkeyCheezPants on Nov 25, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    How do you know about this, Bill? I live in the Bay Area, and I recognize the chiron as KTVU… and I missed this!

    HOW DO YOU FIND THESE THINGS?

    Are you Ozymandias?

  • 4 Bill Corbett on Nov 25, 2008 at 6:58 pm

    Yup. Look on my works, ye mighty, and … y’know. Blah blah blah.

  • 5 Nick Fechter on Nov 25, 2008 at 7:02 pm

    And Mike replaced Hugh Jass because he was expelled from the police force for sexual harrasing Ben Dover, but of course that didn’t compare to last weeks sexual harrasement case when Howie Felterpuss sexually harrased Eileen Dover…….ok I need to stop o_o

  • 6 jennifer on Nov 25, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    I. CANNOT. STOP. LAUGHING.

    FOR REAL. CANNOT. STOP.

    PS I done stole this here pic and put it on my blorg . But I done credited y’all… ;)

  • 7 Nick Fechter on Nov 25, 2008 at 7:25 pm

    And of course Mike wouldn’t have recieved sheriff status if not for the nomination by is partner Dick Hertz, who was a great cop that suffered from a yeast infection. He also recieved a nomination from Ivan Jagginoff, a cop who became famous around the precinct for the unusually long amounts of time that he spent in the bathroom. But his biggest nomination came from Mike Rotch and Hugh G. Reaction, who very good with the ladies ;)

    Well there you have it, I’m officially going to hell :D

  • 8 jennifer on Nov 25, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    NICK I BEG YOU, STOP…I’m already in so much pain here… *dying* LOL :)

  • 9 Nick Fechter on Nov 25, 2008 at 7:46 pm

    During his time as a sheriff Mike made alot of new friends like Mike Hawk, who was a cop that constantly complained about how his wife had kicked him in the groin. He was also good friends with Phil Mianus, who was a deputy who had severe case of constipation. But he made best of friends with Paul Mycock, even though he developed a less than reputable reputation as a frivolous womanizer when he sexually assualted Jenny Talia.

    WOOOOO BABY! SOMEBODY STOP ME! :D

  • 10 secretidentitycrisis on Nov 25, 2008 at 8:01 pm

    I think he’s related to Anita Hanchob.

  • 11 siskita on Nov 25, 2008 at 8:30 pm

    You guys are all cunning linguists!!!! Stop it!

  • 12 Nick Fechter on Nov 25, 2008 at 9:47 pm

    When Mike was made sheriff, he wen’t right to work into putting away the town’s worst criminals, such as Justin Sider, who was notorious for having brief sexual encounters in public. Another terrible wrong-doer was Mike Oxbigg, who has been arrested on several accounts of lued behaviour at barbeques. But the most dastardly of them all was china-man Wi Phukem Yung, who was made into an international criminal for his famous variations of child pornagraphy!

    Wow….I’m seriously messed up :P

  • 13 Nick Fechter on Nov 25, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    LOL! Nice one! XD

  • 14 Haywood Jablomee on Nov 26, 2008 at 5:49 am

    This is just a bad turn of luck for mike. I know his pain

  • 15 Ninjew on Nov 26, 2008 at 5:59 am

    I hear he was convicted of taking pictures of Mai Longdong with Sum Yungho!

  • 16 Ray Pugh on Nov 26, 2008 at 6:46 am

    How dare you people make fun of others’ names?

  • 17 Eric on Nov 26, 2008 at 6:54 am

    faaaaaaakeeeeeeee

  • 18 Bill Corbett on Nov 26, 2008 at 7:16 am

    of coooooouuurseeee.

  • 19 Dames Like Her on Nov 26, 2008 at 7:38 am

    I once encountered a real estate agent named “Dick Tingler.”

    And no, he wasn’t, and no, he didn’t.

  • 20 Smuttynose on Nov 26, 2008 at 7:46 am

    I honest-to-God know a Harry Mann. Really, and for true.

    He must have incredibly stupid parents or incredibly cruel parents or incredibly annoying parents.

  • 21 secretidentitycrisis on Nov 26, 2008 at 8:24 am

    My fourth grade teacher’s name was Mrs. Dyck, and her husband’s name was Harry.

    That’s pretty much all I remember from the fourth grade.

  • 22 Mstmompj on Nov 26, 2008 at 9:14 am

    The Bloomington, Indiana phonebook for several years circa late-1990s used to have a listing for Haywood Jablomie.

  • 23 Heather on Nov 26, 2008 at 10:57 am

    My mother used to work in an accounting office with a man named Dick Foote. He was a real jerk to everyone, too. They used to call him “Mr. Body Parts” behind his back. Probably because they weren’t allowed to call him Dick Head.

  • 24 Roper on Nov 26, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    Careful Bill. Mike Litoris is very sensitive, trust me you dont want to rub Mike Litoris the wrong way!

  • 25 euphoriafish on Nov 26, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    But how can it be fake when he’s on Facebook?

    http://www.facebook.com/people/Mike-Litoris/530705084

    :-O
    ;-)

  • 26 R.A. Roth on Nov 26, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    What’s so funny about his name?

    Dick Clicker

  • 27 Dames Like Her on Nov 26, 2008 at 5:29 pm

    I just remembered! Harry Butcitz. Worked with my father. He was a Teamster, so imagine the “good-natured ribbing” he had to endure.

  • 28 NavarezElectro on Nov 26, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    My father went to high school with a Guido Schwartz.

  • 29 Nick Fechter on Nov 27, 2008 at 6:33 am

    GASP! :O

  • 30 Nick Fechter on Nov 27, 2008 at 7:21 am

    The townspeople who Mike protected were always very grateful for him and always considered him a friend. People such as Jen Italworts, who men naturally avoided on a regular basis. Another friendly townsperson was M.T. Sack, who was the only person in the history of the town to have ever been neutered. But the most friendliest townsperson of them all was Neil Anblomi, who usually was seen on the corner giving anyone anything they wanted for a reasonable price.

  • 31 3D on Nov 27, 2008 at 10:50 am

    I had an occasional substitute teacher named Mrs. Chastain, a name that, unfortunately for her, lent itself way to closely to being morphed into “Mrs. Shit Stain.” She always seemed befuddled by life. People would just ask her matter-of-factly, “Mrs. Shit Stain, can I go to the bathroom?” and she would just nod with a thousand yard stare.

    Brought to you by Heywood Jablowme and Willis Dickfit, LLP.

  • 32 Brian O. on Nov 28, 2008 at 5:50 am

    Alas, Sexual Harris was nowhere to be found, and we’ll never know exactly what he meant.

  • 33 Nick Fechter on Nov 28, 2008 at 3:14 pm

    I remember one time my friend was dropping me off at my house and we passed a sign that advertised a lawyer named Jack Fluck, and my friend decided to crack a jock by saying that the first names of his children must be “Oh”, “Mother”, and “Stupid”

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