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Get away from my nuts.

December 18th, 2008 by Bill Corbett · 43 Comments

nutcracker

Nutcrackers. This time of year is lousy with nutcrackers.

But they keep baring their teeth at me, and I don’t like them.

nutcracker2

Help, Santa!

Also scary: they’re German.

[NOTE: Those who suspected that this post was written simply for the title are 99% right. The other 1% = my deep love of insulting Germany.]

Tags: RiffTrax

43 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Trelvix on Dec 18, 2008 at 12:19 pm

    God, I loved her in Hello Dolly.

  • 2 Bill Corbett on Dec 18, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    Her beard was longer then, as I recall.

  • 3 Ryan on Dec 18, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Of course you can see their teeth. They are clearly zombies and their lips have rotted away.

  • 4 Ryan on Dec 18, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    I can hear Crow going “RRRRRR!” at the angry looking car in the car show portion of Design for Dreaming (Schick Razor car, the ‘extension of my manhood’ car, etc.)

  • 5 chrismartindeed on Dec 18, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    Being part German and part Scottish, I have an excellent remedy for nutcrackers.

    It’s one coconut, lightly chilled, then shot directly at their mouths at a velocity of 175 mph from a cannon.

    Chew on that, Nussknacker!

  • 6 Steve R. on Dec 18, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    And besides, these things are responsible for making me go see my cousin in a stupid ballet for 2 hours! Honestly, why would a woman fall in love with something that is petrifyingly scary?

  • 7 Adam on Dec 18, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    I find the best way to handle nutcrackers of this sort is to use them as puppets and annoy people nearby with them.

    I don’t even really think of them as nutcrackers anymore. Now when I see them, I see Christmas puppets.

  • 8 Walter on Dec 18, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    “Mom…My Nuts.”

  • 9 Nick Fechter on Dec 18, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    (Stevens, a mild mannered nutcracker, logs on to the rifftrax blog and sees the recent post)

    Stevens: What the!?…..Oh my…Jesu-Carl! Carl, we’ve got a problem.

    Carl: Yeah, what is it?

    Stevens: Take a look at this!

    (Stevens shows Carl the blog post)

    Carl: Oh this is just great! W-What does he mean by that we excessively bare are teeth!? We don’t have any lips!

    Stevens: And what does he mean by that we’re German!? I’m a quater Vietnamese!

    (Adolf Hitler walks in the room with a cheery look on his face)

    Adolf: Hey, I just got the strudel warmed…what’s the matter? Why do you guys look upset?

    Carl: Because of this!

    (Carl points at the computer screen and Adolf takes a look)

    Adolf: Uh! Well that big meanie! What did I ever do to him!? *starts crying*

    Stevens: Shhh-Shhh…it’s okay, it’s okay…..

    (The rabbi walks in)

    Rabbi: What’s with all the commotion and what not?

    Adolf: Oh it’s horrible my darling! Some meanie poo-head is making fun of Germans!

    (Rabbi looks at the blog)

    Rabbi: What!? Germans are a loving people, what have they ever done to deserve this treatment?

    Merry Christmas Rifftrax! :D

    -Nick F.

  • 10 blablover5 on Dec 18, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    You know what’s really fun to do when you’re bored in a store?

    Line up all the nut cracker so they’re chewing on each other. Maybe take a bite out of an arm, a leg, or if you’re really talented they can chew each others faces off.

    I did it with two anamatronic snapping crocodiles. I don’t think too many people were injured or traumatized.

  • 11 RemmieBarrow on Dec 18, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    Leave it to the German’s (including me…Yes, I am part German) to create something that looks and sounds and has a name simular to a torture device.

  • 12 Ryan on Dec 18, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    ooh! Cool idea, zombie nutcrackers! Now that would be cool.

  • 13 Ryan on Dec 18, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    Sounds perfectly nowrmal to me.

    Ryan “Thumbscrew” Downey

  • 14 James Shearhart on Dec 18, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    Speaking of which, I now have a Visual Aid to point to when I have to explain why I dislike x-mas so much – I saw an endcap full of nutcrackers at the local Target, and one of them was done up on full Army cammo, complete with rifle. Yeah, peace on earth….

  • 15 Nick Fechter on Dec 18, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    But it’s horrible over at the rat nation because they’re being run by a horrible tyrrant! The Nutcrackers need to go over there and overthrow that dictator so that they can police the rat nation for a few years while morally and economically straining their own nation in the process!

  • 16 MonkeyCheezPants on Dec 18, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    I saw that cracker, too. I noted the accuracy of the camo to current military uniforms, and sighed, depressed and despondent.

  • 17 Scarlett on Dec 18, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    I think the scariest part about the whole thing is that they look like meth addicts and they all carry weapons of some sort that are probably used to mug the other Christmas ornaments.

    And that I think a short film about an evil Nutcracker would be funny. Disturbing and wrong on many levels, but funny.

  • 18 James Shearhart on Dec 18, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    I was gonna make a pun about Shell and Jaw, but I couldn’t be bothered….

  • 19 Nick Fechter on Dec 18, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    I think there was one on an episode of “Intervention” on A & E.

  • 20 Tim on Dec 18, 2008 at 3:24 pm

    Bill, let’s just be glad their teeth are all they are baring at you…

    —Tim

  • 21 michael on Dec 18, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    All of your comments about scary and odd Nutcrackers are valid.

    Still, I would rather watch the homicidal ‘crackers (whoops…but they are white, aren’t they?) shuffle around rather than Macaulay Culkin…

    *shivers*

  • 22 michael on Dec 18, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    Is this the same Adolf Hittler they keep talking about in the news who couldn’t get his name written on a birthday cake?

  • 23 Katie M. on Dec 18, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    Has anyone ever tried to actually crack a nut with a nutcracker? I tried once. The nutcracker broke. GYP!!!!!!!

  • 24 Bill Corbett on Dec 18, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    Excellent point.

  • 25 Auntie Maim on Dec 18, 2008 at 4:27 pm

    Um…it doesn’t pee on the seat?

  • 26 Nick Fechter on Dec 18, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    That’s because they weren’t originally intended to crack THOSE type of nuts…….

  • 27 Auntie Maim on Dec 18, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    Hey, I think you’ve found their weak spot! Quick, everyone, grab some nuts!!

  • 28 Nick Fechter on Dec 18, 2008 at 4:31 pm

    The very same!

    You wouldn’t imagine how upset he and his gay black best friend were…..

  • 29 Anthony on Dec 18, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    I once saw a production of The Nutcracker. The guy playing said cracker of nuts had to be wearing the most obscene dance belt to ever exist. There was no escaping this asshole’s batch. Every second he’s on stage, there it was, larger than life. The horrors I have seen…

  • 30 Onil on Dec 18, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    Don’t worry about the Germans so much, Bill. As long as the dessicated corpse of Indiana Jones is around to make sequels, the world will be safe from the Teutonic plague.

  • 31 Steve R. on Dec 18, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    What do you mean, “it doesn’t pee on the seat”?

  • 32 Mr. Slick on Dec 18, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    Evil, brought to you by the German Dental Association

  • 33 Eddie Colton on Dec 19, 2008 at 12:35 am

    Would you rather have your nuts cracked by these, or by the creepy hunchback in Prisoner of Azkaban?

  • 34 mrbasehart on Dec 19, 2008 at 3:53 am

    Do you think if they got a room in a hotel together, they’d call it a ‘nutcracker suite’? Ho Ho Ho!

    Kill me now.

  • 35 Ben on Dec 19, 2008 at 5:44 am

    So I take it then that you won’t be naming any of your children after Adolf Hitler?

    http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/moms/6168348.html

  • 36 chrismartindeed on Dec 19, 2008 at 9:03 am

    Brandishing your accursed nutcrackers like that made it snow 10 inches here in Michigan!

    Thanks for the bad Ju-Ju, Minnesota.

  • 37 Laura on Dec 19, 2008 at 9:08 am

    Nutcrackers freak me out…. Just like my grandmother’s room filled with porcelain dolls.

    Also, sorry I freaked you out a couple blogs ago, Bill! I was having fun, sorry :( .

  • 38 Dames Like Her on Dec 19, 2008 at 9:42 am

    I almost got through the Xmas holidays without seeing any Nutcrackers- especially the horror of that first one and its erect— candle.
    Thanks.

  • 39 Katie M. on Dec 19, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    Ironic, ain’t it? The nutcracker’s Achilles heel is, actually, NUTS — Kinda like Superman and his weakness being fragments of his own native planet. Go figure.

  • 40 maryc on Dec 19, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    I used to be way into collecting nutcrackers back in the day.

    I even had one that was the same size as a “My Size Barbie”.

    Needless to say, my husband made me get rid of it.

  • 41 Nick Fechter on Dec 20, 2008 at 9:22 am

    Did you say a life-sized nutcracker!?

    What on earth would you want to crack with a nutcracker that big!?

  • 42 MonkeyCheezPants on Dec 23, 2008 at 6:27 am

    “Quick, everyone, grab some nuts!!”

    …?

    I think I like your family’s holiday traditions.