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December 19th, 2008 by Mike Nelson · 29 Comments

Puzzled and numbed by the oncoming holidays? Let the celebrities tell you what to do!

Grizzelda Rush
¬†Grizzelda Rush. Star of “Kiss Town”

“The holidays are for me a time to reassess everything, absolutely everything about who I am: am I eating enough fish? Am I spending enough time with Geoff (that’s Geoffrey Stack, her Kiss Town co-star and current live-in lover.) Right now we’re gutting our Beverly Hills home and putting in a greywater recycling system, so it’s a perfect time to look deep within myself.”

1024101 male models
Breck Jensen, lead singer of Craw

“The holidays rock long and they rock hard! I always go back home, just to get real again, to see the family, to get grounded. This year I can’t – I’m in Bali with Kurt (Feisting of Plugdust) on our world tour for our new album Wholly Crap - but I’ll have them email some photos to my Sidekick LX.”

Keely Reese of “Smile, Smile, Jump, Smile, Dance!”

“The holidays are the funnest!”

castro teague
Castro Teague,”Sgt. Stall” on Corpse Minder

“&*@#$ you! @#$#-ers! Merry @#$% Christmas, holiday @#$#!@# @#$%-ing @#$%@-ers @#$!@# you and @#$%^ my @#$!@-ing @#$%^ @#$%%!, if you can @#$% off your @#$%^ holiday @#$%^ and @#$%^ my yuletide @#$^%^!!”

Tags: RiffTrax

29 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Dames Like Her on Dec 19, 2008 at 10:22 am

    These vapid musings are like a shot of botox right into the heart.

  • 2 Onil on Dec 19, 2008 at 10:42 am

    Tell these celebrities to stick to politics, please.

  • 3 MVP on Dec 19, 2008 at 10:49 am

    But I want to know what national treasure Ryan Seacrest has to say about this joyous holiday season!

  • 4 MikeP on Dec 19, 2008 at 10:54 am

    I went to high school with Castro Teague. Nice guy, even if his musical tastes were a bit unorthodox.

    Dude was really into Barry Manilow.

  • 5 Nick Fechter on Dec 19, 2008 at 11:16 am

    Oh celebrities! You never cease to digust me with your spastic moments of insanity fueled by your narsacisistic idealogies that were probably brought on to you by your ambitiously crazy parents and an endless stream of criticism that came from the photos that were published in People magazine after a fiendish paparazzi hid in the bushes in front of your house late at night while you were with an anomynous individual you payed thirty bucks to strangle you in the shower!

    Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :D

  • 6 Tv Miller on Dec 19, 2008 at 11:18 am

    All this says far too much about apparently Mike’s mid-life crisis, attempting to connect with the youth of the world by pretending to know who the heck these people are.

    Mr. Nelson, it’s okay to move forward with some Kingston Trio and Peter, Paul and Mary. It’s okay to enjoy some Ernie Kovacs and Harvey Fierstein…well maybe not that last one.

  • 7 Nick Fechter on Dec 19, 2008 at 11:26 am

    (Ryan Seacrest sits down with a reporter)

    Reporter: So Mr. Seacrest, what do you find special about this paticular holiday season?

    Ryan: Well, I….actually this would be a good time to announce something to the world. Now I know this will probably shock alot of people, but I don’t want to spend another christmas living a lie……I’m Gay!

    Reporter: Okay, and?….

    (Seacrest looks apprehensively at the reporter)

    Ryan: Your….your not shocked?….Oh come on! I’ve been waiting for my moment of media fame with this announcement, and you mean to tell me your not even in the slightest bit surprised!? What could I have possibly given away that would’ve tipped you off!? Hmmm? HMMMM!!?

    Reporter: Um…I-uh….

    Ryan: *sigh* Oh save it, I’m late for a tapping of American Idol anyway…..

    (Ryan depressingly slumps out of the room)

    Does that answer your question?

  • 8 jason on Dec 19, 2008 at 11:27 am

    Or you could just wear bad holiday sweaters and post pics everyday for people to view, like this guy (who I knew somewhat because he dj’ed at the same radio station as me for awhile):

    I would especially like to see Bill’s bad Christmas sweater (tho Connor’s would probably be most horrific- I wonder if he has a Jar-Jar Binks in a Santa hat one? “Ooo- yousa make poodoo in stocking?”)…

  • 9 Enron Hubbard on Dec 19, 2008 at 11:40 am

    Don’t forget this charming Demon’s eye view on the season from Kiss’ Gene Simmons:

    “First off let me say what I *don’t* do for the holidays. I don’t whine about the commercialization of the winter solstice, all the while hoping some fictitious fat man dressed like a fur trader brings me better goodies than I’m giving to others.

    I don’t try to trick my children into modifying their behaviour in the vain hope that mercy shown to others will result in that mercy being returned.

    If you want anything in this world you have to earn it, and if you can’t get it that way, you have to take it by force.

    Santa’s not coming, kids. The stocking you hung by the chimney with care is empty, and will remain empty unless you stop living in a self-deluded dreamworld.

    Oh, and happy Chanukah.”

    (It’s a *joke*, Mr. Simmons, please don’t sue)

  • 10 chrismartindeed on Dec 19, 2008 at 11:56 am

    I hate to be a stickler for details, but you offered to show us what CELEBRITIES were doing for the holidays.

  • 11 Nick Fechter on Dec 19, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Castro Teague: @#$%@! I am a celebrity muther @#$%@%! Go get @$#@%@ by your !@#$#@$ you $@#$%ed #$#%@%! @$@%@#%@#%@%@%@%@#%@%@%@#%@%@#%@#%@-

    (head violently explodes)

  • 12 Amanda on Dec 19, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    Oh, my…well now, that’s just not nice.
    Cause you know his poor grandmother is standing somewhere in her girdle, looking through her closet, and wondering where in the hell could she have possibly misplaced her Jingle Bell sweater from 1985.

  • 13 Remmie Barrow on Dec 19, 2008 at 1:56 pm

    (Dude was really into Barry Manilow)

    That is definitely a red flag if I ever saw one.

  • 14 Remmie Barrow on Dec 19, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    I am getting to that age (mid 30s) in which I do not really care what these young “celebrities” are doing anymore….I mean, they could be locking themselve in a closet with a box of rabid ferrets and I would not care….Well, maybe for that last one I would care.

  • 15 chrismartindeed on Dec 19, 2008 at 2:59 pm


    I never saw anyone cuss in Esperanto before.

    You’re quite erudite.

    But you’re still not a celebrity.

  • 16 BEMaven on Dec 19, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    Grizzelda Rush.

    Breck Jensen.

    Keely Reese.

    Castro Teague.

    A little tired from your excursion into florid Harry Potter names, Mr. Nelson?

  • 17 Mike Nelson on Dec 19, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    Please, my dad was Mr. Nelson. Call me Keely.

  • 18 Kim on Dec 19, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Hmmm…I’m 20 and I don’t care, what does that say about me?

    Now if the ferrets had chainsaws that’d be must see.

  • 19 Nick Fechter on Dec 19, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    What do you mean what does it say about you!? It means that you’re crazy!……for not thinking that homicidal, flesh-eating babies are far more interesting!

  • 20 Nick Fechter on Dec 19, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    One more thing….are we sure that the photo of Castro Teague isn’t actually Ben Affleck?

  • 21 Ben on Dec 19, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    Sorry, I only take advice from Sid Vicious.

  • 22 Gamera on Dec 19, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    As a big fan of “Kiss Town,” I’m surprised Grizzelda isn’t eating enough fish.

    I pray she finds a balanced diet before the new year.

  • 23 Enron Hubbard on Dec 19, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    Oh, I gave up on “Kiss Town” after Becky Fetcher left and they replaced her with Mollyanna Holyewe.

    Like we were all supposed to believe that Mercome and Grenadine *weren’t* a couple. You *know* Kayona would *never* put up with that kind of behaviour!

  • 24 BEMaven on Dec 19, 2008 at 8:32 pm

    No, no, call ME Keely. I insist.

    Every person who has never seen my face me calls me Keely.

    Even a guy named Keely.

  • 25 Rowsdower on Dec 20, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    um… huh?

  • 26 Eddie Colton on Dec 20, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    I hope me not knowing who ANY of these people are is supposed to be part of the joke. Otherwise, I need to overnight order myself a walker for Christmas. Maybe just a Segway.

  • 27 Dames Like Her on Dec 21, 2008 at 12:55 am

    I’ll be in the Sun Room after Jell-o Time, cause I don’t know who they are either.

  • 28 Kris on Dec 21, 2008 at 10:24 am

    May I join in the ‘Too Old To Know’ crowd? I’ve got bits of Jell-o dribbling down my chin and need my Depends changed. And I’m still in my twenties. Bugger.